Promises aren’t meant to be broken

NotSoGoodGrammar | Rush | UnBeta-ed | ANGST (with a capital A.N.G.S.T.)

9, 681 Words

 

 

 

 

~DONGHAE POV~

 

There’s this one person who always annoys me, and I can’t call it day without him ruining it. It was all started when he transferred on our school and accidentally bumped on me on the very first day. He was this bubbly-hyper kid who always had this big smile on his face who would you thinks that, he had no problems at all in his life. A boy who would you think that will make this thousand of jokes and make you laugh with him and later on you will just figure out that the two of you were already the best of friends.

 

The very first time we met on the school lobby, he immediately flashes his biggest smile and introduces himself even before he can stand up after the accident.

 

“Lee Eunhyuk… It’s nice to meet you a…”

 

But before he could even finish his words and shake hands with me, I immediately walk away and left him.  And started that day he never stops asking why I ignored him, and that was the beginning of my biggest dilemma.

 

It was everyday, whenever we would see each other he will run to me, talk to me, ask everything he could ever think of which annoys the hell out of me. He will not stop and even share tables with my friends on lunch time and continue on pestering me, that even my friends help him to annoy me.

 

“Donghae, stop being rude!”

 

“Be nice to Eunhyukkie….”

 

It didn’t stays that way though when he found out that I was a part of the school soccer team. That was the day when he asks me to be friends with him, and one of my teammates called me for our training.

 

“You’re playing soccer? Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

‘Why would I tell you?’

 

I just always walk away.

 

Then I started to feel guilty seeing his sad face.

 

Honestly he’s not that annoying, sometimes I will find him cute, throwing tantrums.

 

It even made me happy receiving gifts from him. He’s giving me foods, candies, cakes and even flowers, everything made me smile but of course it was my biggest secret because I don’t want him to know that he’s making me happy.

 

There’s a reason why I’m pretending not to care, and that is, I want to annoy the hell out of him too, just the way he did to me the first time we met on the school lobby.

 

Just to make fun of him.

 

But still, there’s one thing that keep on holding me back to be friends with him

 

 

…..again.

 

 

Time passed by, and he became my number one fan. He’s always there to support me. Sending gifts to good luck me, pay a visit on my training to still watch me.

 

“You’re so cool! ” he’s always saying and I was like this cool guy pretending not so happy about the compliment and just ignore him who keeps on talking beside me, telling me that he wants to play too but he can’t.

 

“Why you can’t?” I asked him back for the first time out of curiousness but he just smile at me offering  me a drinks to shut me up not to ask him that again.

 

“I’ll be leaving now! Good luck!”

 

He still was smiling, showing that he’s happy, but what he didn’t know is, I can see through him that he’s not. There’s always this weird feeling whenever I will look at him in his eyes, I can tell that he’s sad. And I was thinking that, maybe I was just feeling guilty for not showing him that he’s okay with me, that we can be friends after all that happened.

 

That whenever he would ask me,” We’re friends now, right?” with the biggest smile on his face.

 

“No we’re not.” Is the answer I always tell him, and not even a second there’s that sadness on him again. I want to tell him that I was just kidding to make him smile again, but something was holding me back and telling me, it’s just right, so I just let it be…

 

“Okay! I’ll just pray you’ll win the game. Bye!”

 

I want to wipe that sadness out of his eyes.

 

I’m sorry. I want to apologize but I can’t even try to.

 

I know he’s hurting inside, even though he’s hiding it with his brightest smile and that fact is what hurting me too.

 

 

///

 

 

Days, weeks, months, he didn’t stop being by my side. I didn’t find him annoying anymore, but still I’m acting that I’m annoyed because I just want to.

 

He didn’t stop sending me gifts.

 

He didn’t stop talking to me, telling me new stories every day just to make me talk to him, but not even a single day I did speak back to him. I’m always pretending that I’m not listening, but the truth is, I’m forcing myself not to listen because anytime now I can burst out laughing on his stories and shame myself in front of my friends and specially to him, which I’m preventing to happen.

 

He didn’t stop watching my game and cheer for me. He’s always present even though I know sometimes it’s obvious that he’s so tired because of our nonstop school works and projects and he’s still there, waiting for me, telling me I’m the coolest soccer guy in this country.

 

Staying late after school just to wait for me after the training and matches, it annoys me. It’s hurting me seeing him sleeping on the bench and will smile at me when I woke him up when the training is over. I don’t want seeing him on that state. Because knowing his effort just to be friend with me again is enough to honestly break my heart.

 

This isn’t supposed to happen. But I don’t know why I can’t make it stop and make it right.

 

“Oh...I’m sorry, I fell asleep!”

 

“Bench is made to sit on to watch the game and not to sleep!” and I was this stupid trying to hurt him more.

 

He didn’t answered and I know he’s truly hurt on what I said. I sound so mean on that one but there he is forcing himself to smile again, “I’m just re-charging to cheer on you…you know?”

 

“Whatever…” I’m sorry.

 

“Let’s go home?” he asked sounds pleading that almost break my heart.

 

“I still need to go somewhere else… bye!” I just need some space to knock some sense in me. This guilt is eating me.

 

 

 

The following days he still didn’t stop on what he’s doing so I go straight to the point because it always guilt me whenever I will see him hurt to every mean words I was saying to him just to stop him tiring himself to cheer on me. He didn’t need to do that.

 

Or maybe he’s thinking that, when he cheered and supported me on my game, we can be friends

 

……again.

 

“Can you just stop? Can’t you understand that you annoy the hell out of me? I don’t even want to see you again, but you keep on coming back!” I want you to stop torturing yourself, enduring all the mean things I was saying to you, because you’re hurting me too seeing you like that. Just stop hurting yourself, because I can’t stop myself from hurting you and it always guilt me….

 

“Why you’re so mean?” he always asks me that whenever I would yell at him.

 

…..I just want you to stop, “Stop it, just go away and leave me alone!”

 

Surprisingly, that day he didn’t talk back again and did what I said.

 

He finally left.

 

I should be happy, but the guilt is eating me more.

 

The next few days before the match, there’s no more Lee Eunhyuk that was following me every day, wherever I go.

 

“Where’s Blondie?”

 

“I don’t know!”

 

“Did he already give up? Aigoo… our Donghae is too mean..!”

 

“He’s always annoying Donghae, serves him right!”

 

That day I found out that not everyone on my circle of friends like him.

 

“I already get rid of his gifts in your locker! You should thank me!” Kibum said.

 

“You what?” I yelled at him…

 

“Why you look so surprised? I always cleaning your locker because that annoying Blondie always leaving a trash inside… I thought you didn’t like it? So why yelling at me now?”

 

“I didn’t tell you to touch my things…”

 

“And that trash is not yours….”

 

“Donghae calm down, Kibum can you just shut up?”

 

I didn’t calm down and walk out from there. I was so mad when I heard that, I just figured it out why I’m not seeing Eunhyuk’s gifts on my locker anymore. I thought he already stop sending me gifts this past few days but I will just find out that my friend throw it away?

 

I was walking on the hallway trying to calm myself when I saw Eunhyuk. He’s walking approaching my direction while looking down on his book, reason why he didn’t know that we’re about to bump each other.

 

These past few days he didn’t ever try to talk to me again, nor greet me whenever we would see each other on the hallway, which scared me because I didn’t want that to happen. I know I was being so rude the last time, but I honestly wanted to apologize this time, say to him the whole truth that we can be friends

 

….again.

 

That we can be like that again… like before…

 

“Oh my god I’m sorry…” he immediately said when he bump on me. I hold him in my arms and he’s still didn’t realized that it was me.

 

“It’s okay!” I said and I saw that he was about to freak out when he heard my voice.

 

“Dong… uhmm, I’m sorry, I’m not watching my step…” he’s trying to pull out himself from my embrace. I felt disappointed but I let him go. And he did walk away.

 

I want to call him, to say sorry for everything but I just realized that moment that apologizing is not that easy to say.

 

 

~*~

 

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Not really…”

 

“You look depressed…”

 

“I am!”

 

“Don’t think too much. Is it about the game?”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Are you thinking about the game this weekend? Or something else? Or probably someone?”

 

“You’re talking non sense!”

 

“Aishh…so stubborn! Can you try to be honest with yourself sometimes?”

 

I’m trying…

 

“What are you doing?” I tried to change the topic when I noticed that he’s doing something on that box he’s holding since earlier.

 

“I’m cutting this paper with your fan’s name on it, put it in the box, and make a raffle draw before your match this weekend!”

 

“You’re kidding me?” I asked him again because it’s sounds funny.

 

“I’m not like you Donghae, so shut up!”

 

“Seriously Kyuhyun?” he just rolled his eyes on me. Means, he’s not kidding at all. “What’s that for?”

 

“Your fan club president didn’t tell you?”

 

“I won’t ask if I already knew!”

 

“Aishhh…okay so this will serve as your gift for your ‘fans’ and the lucky person who will be chose among this hundreds name on this piece of paper will be your lucky date.”

 

“WHAT THE HELL...?”

 

“You should be nice to your fans sometimes…” he said, and immediately Eunhyuk invaded my mind.

 

Then I thought maybe his name was one of my fans who want to have a date with me.

 

“I’ll help you cut it…” I lied; I just want to check if Eunhyuk’s name was there.

 

“Seriously, I thought you didn’t like the idea?”

 

“Who said I’m not?” I just hope there’s Eunhyuk’s name on it.  I want to use this chance to apologize to him and started to treat him well, like before. I just hope I can do it.

 

 

~*~

 

 

So here I am hiding on the corner of this huge amusement park looking for the lucky winner of the draw the other day. Well, I already knew who won because I cheated and because I want this person to be my date.

 

I came an hour early to check on him, I just want to make sure that he will come. He’s still avoiding me and it’s almost two weeks already, making me curious if he really didn’t want to be friends with me anymore.

 

I can’t still see him in an hour of waiting, “Is he coming?” after asking that myself, I saw him coming from the group of people walking along with him on the street. Looking so fresh, so cute, and so innocent with his baby face but I can see that tiredness in his eyes. He looks anxious not like the first time we saw each other; so far from that smiling face I used to see whenever we cross each other way on the school hallway.

 

I only realized it now how much I missed his bright smile those past few days that he tried avoiding me just not to annoy me. I felt so sorry.

 

He took a sit on one of the bench obviously waiting for me. I know he’s thinking of something, the way he looks on his feet and biting his finger nail, the old habit I can still remember from him.

 

I decided to come out half an hour of his waiting but when I saw him standing and about to leave, I immediately run towards him, afraid that he just walks away on our date. “Eunhyuk…” the first time I called him by his name.

 

He turned around slowly, and when he saw that it was me, he immediately turns his gaze away which hurts me.

 

“I’m late… uhm..” I’m sorry

 

“I’m actually expecting that you wouldn’t come…” he said that surprised me, “but I’m glad you did” and then he smiled.

 

I felt relieve.

 

“… and I know that you didn’t like me as your date, so it’s fine if we didn’t pull this…”

 

“No, it’s fine!” I stop him from saying that because it’s not true and I know he’s hurting thinking that I didn’t like him as my date.

 

“Okay…” he just answered looking so shy, so different from the Eunhyuk who used to annoy me every day.

 

“Let’s go?” when he nodded, I really wants to hold his hand and walk together inside, but still I’m such a loser, so I didn’t even try.

 

He’s not talking to me the whole time that made the atmosphere awkward.  I didn’t expect him to act like this; I’ve been imagining these things where he would pull me to every ride he wants to try. That he would ask me to buy him this toys and foods that he wants, but he’s not.

 

He didn’t even want to look at me which starting to annoy me. I don’t want him to act like that because I know he’s just forcing himself to avoid me. I saw him many times stealing glances at me.

 

Maybe I should start it all this time.

 

“Uhm… You know… I really anticipated for this date…” I started and he looks at me this time with his cute curious doe eyes.

 

“I want to enjoy this as much as…uhm, I mean us… we enjoy this together…”

 

“I’m sorry…” I heard him whispered.

 

I secretly smiled, “aren’t you enjoying the rides?”

 

“Huh??? Uhm, no, it’s not that… what I mean is, you… you don’t have to do this if you didn’t really like me as your date. I’ve been thinking if you’re just forcing yourself. You know? It’s fine with me if you tell me honestly…” he answered with that sadness in his eyes again.

 

“Honestly?” he nodded. “Well, I really like to do this with you…” I said, and I don’t know where it came from but it feels so right to say it to him. It feels so right to be honest with myself.

 

He widens his eyes in surprise, “Really…?” he confirmed and I nodded. Then I saw him hiding his smile. I know he’s just pretending to avoid me since earlier.

 

“Don’t worry; you’re not annoying me…” I said with a smile to make him comfortable and I saw him blush.

 

“Well… I want to try all the rides with you…..” he said.

 

“Then let’s go…”  I answered and that moment after so many days I saw his bright smile again.

 

We started to enjoy every minute of our date that we didn’t realized that our time is almost done. We decided to take the Ferris wheel for the last ride as we haven’t tried all the rides yet and we’re about to part our ways now.

 

I’ve been looking at him since earlier and I can’t explain these overwhelming feelings inside me.

 

It’s been ten years that I haven’t seen him this close to me. Ten years since the last time I had the conversation with him. Ten years that I haven’t heard him laugh and see him smile at me.

 

It’s been ten years, but today, it feels like yesterday.

 

I want to talk to him about what happened on us ten years ago but I’m too afraid to even think about it. I don’t want to remember that anymore so I try to forget about him but fate is playing on us.

 

It’s like I’ve been suffering for a long time, managed to move on, to forget about him, to accept that he’s not coming back anymore, but now he’s here.

 

He suddenly pops out in front of me and act like nothing happened before. I don’t want to believe it at first when I saw him standing in front of me, introducing himself as Eunhyuk, when the last time I remembered his name was Hyukjae, my crybaby Hyukkie.

 

I felt like dreaming that moment and I’m afraid it’s really a dream because I’m sure if I wake up from that dream, I would not see him again. So I tried to ignore him, telling myself that he’s not real, he’s not there on the first place because I know he wouldn’t come back anymore.

 

But he’s there, smiling and talking to me.

 

And my mind set was, ‘I’m just dreaming, he’s not real’ so I keep on walking away from him. The only thing that reminds me; that everything is real and happening is the guilt I always feels whenever I see his sad face.

 

So I tried to accept the fact that he’s real and all the pain I managed to forget and threw away many years that passed, suddenly came back like a wave of emotion that I felt like I’m going insane.

 

I really want to tell him everything I’ve been through after he left me without even saying good bye to me ten years ago. I want to know if he suffered too, if he cried every night the way I did, if he even think about me all those days that we’re not on each other side.

 

I want to ask him why he left me alone when he promised me that he wouldn’t ever do that.

 

Why he didn’t even said good bye?

 

“Donghae…” I heard him called me bringing me back on my trance.

 

“Why?” I looked at him and I saw him smiling looking outside the window.

 

“Hmmm???” he look at me confuse, “oh…did I call you out loud?” he said shyly.

 

“Yes you do…”

 

“I’m sorry… I’m not supposed to…” he said and looks outside by the window again.

 

I know he has something to say but I didn’t ask him anymore and just watch him enjoying our last ride together.

 

 

 

 

“That was fun, right?”

 

“Yes…”

 

“Let’s do this again next time…”

 

“Huh?” he looked surprised on what I said.

 

“We can go back here and try those rides we didn’t try earlier…”

 

He just smiled on what I said. I want him to say something but I don’t want to force him. It makes me think that he didn’t enjoy our time together.

 

We continue to walk side by side and anytime soon, we’re about to part our own ways. I suddenly felt nervous and I don’t know why. Since earlier there’s this feeling that he’s there but yet he’s too far away and there’s this voice inside me that telling me that this is the last time we will see each other again.

 

Is this really a dream? Is he only in my dream? Because I felt like I’m just sleeping and when I open my eyes he’s not there anymore.

 

“Donghae…” I heard him called again that I immediately look at him.

 

“You called me right?”

 

He laugh, making me feel so alive, making me feel this is real, “yes… uhm, I need to go this way now…” he pointed at the right direction where I was suppose to take the left one.

 

‘’uhm…yeah…” I manage to answer.

 

“I really enjoyed our date…” he bowed hiding his flush face, “I’m sorry I’m the one you dated. I know I’m annoying since the very start, and I just want to apologize to you about that right now. I promise I won’t do that again…” he smiled again before bowing his head in front of me.

 

His words felt like a knife stabbing my heart, “You’re not annoying…” I said feeling so irritated by myself. I am the one who made him feel that way, and I’m regretting it all now.

 

He didn’t look back at me and just nodded his head, “still… I’m sorry… for everything…”

 

I know what he truly meant for that and I felt like bursting inside. I want to let it all out now, what I truly felt after what happened on us ten years ago. But before I could even say a word, he said good bye and turn to walk away.

 

“Good bye Donghae…” his soft voice snap me out and looking at his back walking away from me made those hurtful memories flash back like an old movie.

 

I saw my younger self kneeling on the ground while looking outside the huge gate in front of me and calling for his name all day long until I passed out and didn’t saw him that day ever again.

 

So I ran this time before that huge gate closes again and ran towards him for my dear life because I know he’s just there outside and waiting for me.

 

“Hyukkie….” I called him. In my memories, he didn’t look back because he didn’t hear me.

 

But this time, I saw him widens his eyes because I know he was surprised that I called him that name again. He stops walking and turn around just to see me running towards him.

 

“Hae…” and