Holy crappie it's been a long time since I've written to you guys.

 Well I guess this entry will be based on lessons I learned in my 18 years of life so far.

1.“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” 

― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

Yes. I couldn't agree more, and that is because I'm sure lots of us always joke about this, this whole "single for life" garbage that we find tragically funny. Well it's been true my eighteen years and counting of living. I have at least had my first kiss and went on dates ( the ones where my friends think they are the perfect one for you.. .). But yeah, dates. Now I'll tell you as a young woman myself, I can't argue with you about how unfair love is sometimes, I can however tell you that when you wait, and you wait really long, love is sweet, but still with all that other crap we all read on this site sight and see everyday in couples, love is still sweet after the long haul. Gosh I sound like an old woman...

2. Regrets

At the end of the day you can't say you regret it, because at one point you didn't think of any consequences.

Let me tell you one thing I would never tell not even my mother. The one moment I have to regret is the day I let my guard down and was confused and vulnerable enough for someone I had barely just met to "lay" me in bed, nothing beats that feeling of doubt from myself about how I let myself do that with someone I hardly even knew, and no I don't need any sympathy from that experience because I could have said no, I however was too scared to. No, I wasn't hurt, I was just angry at myself for being so vulnerable and showing such a side of myself to someone I yet again, didn't know.

So children do take heed to this warning. Don't do it unless you are ready and you won't regret it. I'm sure I make myself clear, and remember I'll stuff candy in your ears if you oppose my rules. Jelly beans because those are hard to remove, believe me I know. Don't even ask.*puts hand up*

3.Say what you need to say.

Now this was just recent. But we all are scared of the "friend zone " what I know now is that if you love someone or you need to tell your lover something, never hesitate because of you do the chances will be lost.

He was one of my new coworkers, I hated him when I first met him and it might've been more to do with the way that he was so cocky and way too confident that at first I never saw his charm. The feeling was mutual we became close and soon we able to tell each other about the first impressions we had of one another, and believe me just like me his weren't pleasing. It was after that that we became close with each other, even my work supervisor would ask me "when are you two going to be official?" And I would never reply. Because while we got close to each other and it was frustratingly evident we both liked each other, we both just couldn't say the words to actually clarify our thoughts. So when either of us talked about someone else we had had feelings for, we were both only shooting one another in our hearts to protect ourselves from ever muttering the words out loud.

These words were "I love you."

Eventually I'll be honest I started to fall deeper for him, but he had put up his walls the day he told me I was his closest 'friend' at work. I knew when to give up, but I didn't, even now though we are close still I have this dull ache in the left side of my chest, and it's a dull ache meant solely for him, and it's all because I was too afraid to say the words. 

This lesson relates to anything you feel afraid to speak up about, I'm telling you as a newly registered idiot(or so I've been told) you should never feel insecure in your words, you think them for a reason, so spit them out even if the reaction they get isn't a good one.

4. Courage

 This is a lesson I can tell you about that I learnt, but you need to do this yourself and find whatever it is that's bringing you down so that you can face that fear.

Mine would be the day which I'll let you know was when I was sixteen and I decided to quit being part of the background, I started to open myself up to those around me to learn how to really live.

Courage was also the day I conquered my fear of being alone, I'm not and that's thanks to you, the day you logged into this site to decide clicking on my personal story, and courage of not being alone was when I was able to be happy about your support you continue to give me every day. You give me courage to acknowledge that with you listening to me I'm not alone that I don't have to be scared of lonely anymore.

4. Happiness (no not the Red Velvet kind..) 

I felt most happiness today when I woke up and realized that I don't have any demons I feel that I should face. I felt completely happy today when I realized that I no longer have to keep my shades closed up, and that I was able to throw out my razor, that I don't want to keep my suicide journal and that I actually feel genuinely happy. I am happy. I am proud of myself for achieving today what I thought would be impossible I didn't have to give anyone a fake smile today and it was relieving. I don't feel any traces of my sad depressed thoughts on my mind, and I'll be honest I'm scared, but I'm feeling better with the happiness in my body.

Today I will conclude this entry with the final thought I had while writing this.

I no longer feel like I want to disappear or let the earth swallow me. I don't feel gravity dragging me down today I don't know if I will the same way tomorrow that I do today, but I want you to know that I'm grateful for your advice( your comments to me on this story and site) and I love you lots and hope you continue to support me in my decision of telling you my story, no matter how hard it is for me at times, and I know you might get frustrated that I don't talk to you much (update) but I'm glad to know that you are here to listen, and I want you to know. 

* takes your hand*

"I love you too." 

Entry Three.

 Hey everyone, I did it I really did I updated you guys on my life, I mean it's only been a few months, however I really meant it, I'm clean today of any depression/ suicidal thoughts. I can only say that I hope you continue to look forward to more of my life I share with you.

-Isha McGlenning