It’s completely amazing, Baekhyun thinks, how Chanyeol could be so painfully beautiful and not see it. He’s torn every time he sees the taller man standing in front of a mirror, eyes glaring into his reflection with thoughts of destruction and self-hate.

Baekhyun's the only person Chanyeol can trust with his own self so he lets him see the parts of him he'd never dare to reveal to anyone else. He sees it in Chanyeol's eyes when they're alone together - the look of pain in them because he just can't stand it. Chanyeol can’t stand the sight of his large ears, even larger eyes and mouth, his coarse skin and uneven features. He tortures himself every chance he gets, allowing his thoughts to scream imperfection and the desperation of needing to fix it before it gets worse.

Baekhyun’s even more amazed at how Chanyeol doesn’t see how enchanting he is just by being himself - his opinion on his appearance shrouding the pure-hearted and kind man he is. Baekhyun compares him to both sunshine and moonlight because Chanyeol is bright and even in his state, he’s always had a light glowing around him that Baekhyun perceives to be hope. He appreciates the beauty in the little things - which Baekhyun finds so painfully ironic - and is always considerate of everything around him, which is one of the many reasons why Baekhyun adores Chanyeol.

He comes home from vocal exercises with Kyungsoo one night and he isn’t so surprised to find Chanyeol standing in front of the mirror in their bathroom, eyes trained on his reflection. It’s safe to say he’s the only one who has seen Chanyeol like this, so he’s the only one who knows how to help him even when the taller man never asks.

“Chanyeol.” he whispers, closing the bathroom door behind him. He stands behind him with fidgety hands, wanting to reach other and place an arm around Chanyeol but always hesitating. Baekhyun’s always had an underlying fear that Chanyeol will crumble or fade away if he ever so much as touched him but when he does, deep in the night when the lights are off and reflections are forgotten, Chanyeol never flinches nor withers away and Baekhyun’s more than thankful he lets him love him the way he doesn’t love himself. “Chanyeol, hey, let’s go to bed.”

“I’m not tired.” Chanyeol replies. His voice is firm but it falters a little, making Baekhyun wince under his breath. This is how he knows his best friend and other half is lying.

“You always say that.” Instead of touching him, Baekhyun’s hand grabs onto the hem of Chanyeol’s plain grey shirt and he tugs on it a little. “I’m here now, okay? It’s late and we have a long day tomorrow so let’s get some -”

“Baek,” The taller croaks. Baekhyun’s grip on his shirt tightens. “I hate it…”

I know. “Stop, please stop.” he says, voice trembling but kept soft. “You keep doing this to yourself and it’s painful to watch. Stop looking at yourself if you can’t stand your own appearance.” Baekhyun’s forehead creases in undeniable worry and his eyes cast down to the tiled floor. He shuffles his feet forward so he’s a little closer to Chanyeol.

“You don’t see what I see.” is all he gets back.

Baekhyun lifts his head and his eyes meet Chanyeol’s in the mirror. He cracks a small smile but his eyebrows still crease. “You’re stupid.”

Chanyeol’s lips twitch and Baekhyun knows he wants to laugh. “I know.”

He takes his hand away from Chanyeol’s shirt and with careful hesitance, he reaches for his hand to entwine their fingers together. He tugs on it until Chanyeol turns so he’s facing him, back turned to the mirror. Baekhyun smiles up at him, eyes crinkling into crescents and he waits until Chanyeol smiles back to lead him out of the bathroom.

Baekhyun jumps onto his bed, pulling Chanyeol down with him, and he mentally curses the other’s height because while his legs fit the length of the bed rather snugly, Chanyeol’s legs are way too long for both of their beds and it makes Baekhyun wonder how many pints of milk a day the taller man drank to reach such a height. Their positions are slightly weird because of this but Baekhyun swings one of his legs over both of Chanyeol’s and wraps an arm around his torso, leaning his head on Chanyeol’s chest to listen to his giant heart beating.

“Chanyeol?” He mutters, tracing shapes on the other’s stomach. It’s been silent for a while but it’s not uncomfortable. Chanyeol hums in response. “What do you see when you look at yourself in the mirror?”

He hears him a breath in, a question that has always left Chanyeol stranded on pressuring seas.“Imperfection.”

Baekhyun shuts his eyes tight. “You always answer the same thing.”

“There's no other answer. It gets worse each time. The more the fans or the stylists call me handsome or cute or even pretty, the more I see and feel the complete opposite. It’s like there’s something wrong with my head to make me think this way. I hate it but I can't help it..”

He listens to to Chanyeol’s caged heart beat erratically and his fingers tangle themselves in his shirt. Chanyeol cups a hand over Baekhyun’s, squeezing it tightly. Baekhyun lifts their hands up to his lips and he kisses Chanyeol’s hand with promise.

“There’s nothing wrong with you except that you’re blind. Just not literally. If you could see yourself the way I see you, you’d be boasting about how stupidly handsome you are all the time rather than thinking you’re not good enough. You're more than good enough, Yeol - you're more than your looks.”

“What do you see when you look at me?”

Baekhyun decided on the very first day they met that Chanyeol was, is and will always be amazing, even if he just sits there and does nothing but breathe. Chanyeol was sweaty and his hair was so long it stuck to his face when Baekhyun walked in, introducing himself as their new group member and vocalist. The tired lines were already etched on Chanyeol's face but when Baekhyun looked up at him, he found beauty in his hard work. It’s been over two years since that day and he’s never changed his opinion. He’s seen Chanyeol when he’s not torturing himself, he's seen him in his best and worst times - how his eyes glimmer with hope and determination, how his slightly large ears are so cute when his entire face flushes in embarrassment, how his mouth does all kinds of things to Baekhyun when he talks, sings and raps. Chanyeol is the only one looking at the parallel version of himself, never accepting what he sees and maybe he will never understand how Chanyeol could be so blind but he knows that he loves him enough to fill the space where he refuses to love himself.

He smiles into the night as Chanyeol buries his face in his hair, turning on his side to embrace Baekhyun just a little tighter. “I think you’re perfect in all the imperfect ways, Park Chanyeol. I don’t care about your looks because there’s so much more to you beneath it all and even though it that you don’t see it, I will always be here to look at you and love you for all that you are.”

His words hang in the air above them and Baekhyun wonders if he’s said too much, but he doesn’t regret it and probably never will. Every chance he gets, he’ll tell Chanyeol just how much he adores him. Maybe it'll help him be less afraid.

“Thank you, Baek.” The taller man sighs into his hair, content and finally satisfied. Baekhyun wonders if it’ll be enough to make the negative thoughts swimming around in the other’s head go away for a while. “I don’t know where I’d be without you. Or who I'd be without you.”

Baekhyun blushes into oblivion, heart hammering at his words because no matter what he says or does, moments like this with Chanyeol end up with him falling deeper and deeper in love. He never wants to stop falling.  “Just shut up and hug me to sleep, you idiot.”

Chanyeol happily obliges and he pulls Baekhyun closer to him. Under his touch, the latter breathes in the scent of home he finds in Chanyeol and prays that tomorrow will be a brighter day for him.

“I hope you wake up with a smile. I hope you wake up too sleepy to look into the mirror and have to brush your teeth blindly. Toothpaste will drip down your mouth and you’ll forget to wipe it off, but I’ll be here to wipe it for you. I hope you’ll forget to look into the living room mirror on your way to the kitchen. I hope Sehun pisses off Kyungsoo enough for him to throw something at the mirror hard enough for it to break so you won’t have to face it.” Baekhyun murmurs into Chanyeol’s shirt, heart calming but static in his chest. "I hope you won't hate yourself anymore."

Chanyeol chuckles in response and simply holds him tighter. If only they could stay like this forever, in the dark away from terrible thoughts and the rest of the world, Baekhyun thinks it would all be fine. Maybe he can’t get rid of Chanyeol’s complex or even tone it down, but maybe it’ll all be okay in the end. As long as he’s there with him, maybe Chanyeol will never get hurt.

“You think and do too much for me sometimes. I’m sorry I never give anything back.” Chanyeol whispers. “I love you, Baek.”

Baekhyun smiles and presses a kiss to his chest. “There’s no need to give anything back. Just love me, Yeol, it’s all I need. I’m a better person with your love. I love you, and your complex, too. I hope you always remember that.”

On nights when they’re wrapped in each other’s arms and love, hope fills the small cracks in the walls of Chanyeol’s heart that threaten to break him, and the warmth of Baekhyun is the only light he lets in. He drowns in his own overwhelming thoughts during the day but at the end of it all, Baekhyun is the lighthouse guiding him home.

;A; i love baekyeol.