Final

We felt like grown-ups when we bought lunch by ourselves for the first time.

There we were, standing in the middle of the bustling cafeteria. The shrill cries of the kindergarteners and the breathy giggles of the grown-up 5th grade girls and the raucous laughter of the obnoxious boys mingled to form a medley of noise unique to an elementary school lunchroom. The odor of raw dough and catnip and body sweat permeated the air.

Your grubby fingers grasped at mine as we stared at the gruff lunch ladies. They were spooning questionable globs of cheesy lumps and brown mush onto Styrofoam trays.

“What are you getting, Baek?” you whispered excitedly into my ear.

I shrugged, attempting to appear cool. “I don’t know, Haneul. What are you getting?”

“I’m getting everything.” You performed a happy jig that caused some of the 3rd graders to stare at you. “Baek, doesn’t this feel-,”

“Cool?” I flashed you a huge grin. “I know. This is the first time we’ve been able to pick our own lunches. And my mom even gave me actual money to give the lunch ladies!”

You sighed, utterly satisfied. “Being a 1st grader is really like being a grownup.”

It was true. You and I had been coddled the entire 6 years of our lives. Anything we did had to be approved by our parents; why, we couldn’t even take a plane to France without having to “ask our parents”! (We ended up using a few cardboard boxes in the attic as an “airplane” and going anyway).

But for the first time in the world, our parents had entrusted us with the privilege of purchasing hot lunches at the Seoul Central Elementary School Cafeteria. Buying something all by ourselves! No grown ups watching! Although the two of us had been in the 1st grade for a few weeks, we were already experiencing the sensation of- what did Mommy and Daddy call it? Something like munchy tree... ah, maturity!

“Baekie, you’re a 1st grader, now,” Daddy had informed me at dinner the week before I started school. “That means you’re maturing, just like Haejol. You’re a big boy now.”

“I’m bigger than Baek!” Haejol protested, banging down her spoon on the polyester tablecloth. “I’m already in the 3rd grade! And look-,” Haejol stuck her tongue between the two gaps where her front teeth used to be-, “the Tooth Fairy’s already visited me twice!”

Mommy affectionately tucked a loose curl behind Haejol’s ear. “Yes, yes, we know, sweetheart. But that means, as the older sibling, you’re supposed to take care of your little brother. Alright?”

Haejol heaved a dramatic sigh, rolling her eyes. “Alright. I guess.” But I could see her trying to hide a grin. I stuck out my tongue at Haejol and she flicked my forehead with her green-and-pink painted fingernails.

“You and Haneul were assigned to the same class, right?” Daddy asked me. I nodded enthusiastically. “Good. Now you’ll have a friend to stay with you!”

A smug leer appeared on Haejol’s face. “Don’t you mean girlfriend?”

I gasped in shock, shooting up so quickly that I knocked my bowl of bibimbap over. “Haejol! Park Haneul is not my girlfriend! Eww!”

“Haejol, stop provoking your brother,” Mommy chided, and Haejol nodded meekly- not before throwing me a smirk.

“I was just make a hypothesis,” Haejol argued, her tongue twisting to form that last unfamiliar word. “Baek and Haneul have been together since they were in diapers. They always play together and talk together. And now they’re in the same class, so it must be fate-,”

“First of all, I don’t know what a high-paw-the-sis is,” I snapped. “And second of all, no way, Jose! Girls are gross. I’m going to be like Daehyun uncle.”

Mommy and Daddy exchanged a groan. Daehyun uncle was my Mommy’s beloved brother who had pledged to stay single all his life. Rumor had it that he traveled everywhere from Beijing to Bermuda to Berlin, residing in a whole assortment of quaint cottages and high-rise apartments and 5-star hotels (later, I would discover that he had gotten 3 different girls in 3 different countries pregnant as well).

But my favorite part about Daehyun uncle was the tinted snowglobes he would bring us from all over the world. They would be filled with powdery white flakes, suspended in the clear plasma that surrounded the locus of the snowglobe. We had snowglobes with a beryl woman standing in the center, her hand ing a torch into the air, and snowglobes with miniature black skyscrapers jutting into the air, captioned, Chicago, Illinois.

Gazing into the snowglobes was like looking out upon the world from the safety of my own house; I could experience the wonders of our globes by merely sweeping my eyes across these translucent orbs.

It was beautiful.

“You are not going to be like Daehyun uncle,” Daddy clucked, shaking his head. “I know you may not think this now, Baek. But one day, you’re going to find a nice girl with a nice personality that loves you, and you’ll want to be with her forever. That’s the woman you’ll marry.”

Mommy threw Daddy a tender look, gently rubbing his knuckles with the pad of her thumb. “Mommy was that woman for Daddy.”

“Ew, stop.” Haejol pretended to retch into her paper napkin as Daddy leaned over the table and placed a soft kiss on Mommy’s lips. “You two are making goopy eyes at each other again. I’m going to puke!”

“This is why I’ll never ever be Haneul’s boyfriend,” I informed Haejol. “I’ll have to make gross goopy eyes at her.”

Speaking of other gross things, you were glaring at the cafeteria lunch like it was a clump of cockroaches having a fiesta on your lunch tray. I think the excitement of purchasing lunch for the first time wore off after you actually examined the food we had bought. I glanced at the dry-erase board propped up on the wall next to the lunch line.

Today’s Lunch: Macaroni and Cheese served with Black Beans.

The only identifiable item on your plate was a single hair that drifted across the sea of yellowish cheesy like a piece of driftwood in a vast ocean.

One of your friends, Do Hanmi, twisted her head around from the table behind us to peek at our lunches. “Holy guacamole,” she giggled, wrinkling her nose. “Don’t you guys know that you’re never supposed to buy lunch on Tuesdays?”

“Yeah, the Mac and Cheese is worse than Elmer’s glue,” Oh Sehun snorted in his nasally voice. “And I should know. I’ve eaten both.”

“This is a totally super catastrophe,” you muttered. You took your plastic spork and pushed around my beans, drawing faint brown flowers on the corners of my tray. “Let’s bring lunches from home tomorrow, kay?”

I smiled. “Yeah. Hey, Haneul, my mom bought me a new set of Play-Doh yesterday. Do you wanna come over?”

“Invite us too!” Sehun and Hanmi squealed in unison.

You gave me your million-dollar smile, the smile that lit up the entire room and made me feel all warm and happy inside.

“Of course, Baek.”

I learned something that day: although something may seem amazing and enticing when you gaze at it from a distance, it may not be what you expected- as experienced with the cafeteria lunch. Just because something is new to you doesn’t mean it’ll be good for you. The two of us believed that being grown-up enough to buy lunch by ourselves was an unimaginable privilege, an enigma which we would be a wondrous thing to experience.

In the end, it just caused us diarrhea for a week.

We felt like grown-ups when we went camping at Nanji Hangang National Park and our parents let us have an entire cabin to ourselves.

Technically, we didn’t have the whole cabin to ourselves. Haejol was with us, too. But she was always yapping away on her cell phone with her new boyfriend. The only times we saw her was at some wee hour in the morning, when the two of us would hear the creak of the rusty door hinges as Haejol snuck back into our lodge. We knew that she had been pestering my mom with questions about the best ways to act around boys.

We were guessing that Mom would finally realize her precious first-born was in a relationship any day now.

This summer, our families had decided to spend their vacations together. “Haneul and Baekhyun will have a blast,” your father had chuckled, clapping my dad on the back. “It’s the summer before their 8th grade, the last time they’ll have to have fun before they’ll have to really start concentrating on school.”

“How about me?” Haejol had protested in a shrill voice. “What am I supposed to do there? I don’t have anyone!”

My mom beamed, tucking Haejol into a tight hug. “You can spend time with me. We haven’t talked in forever, what with my new job and all. You and me can go on walks and go fishing and go swimming there.”

“Really?” Haejol asked, a flicker of hope rising in her voice.

“Really.”

Now that Haejol was taken care of, our freedom was ensured. From the moment we got to Nanji Hangang, you and I spent nearly every waking moment hiking and exploring and adventuring.

But one of the most defining moments of my childhood occurred during that trip.

Remember when we went hiking but we steered off the path and started walking straight through the forest? I can still recall the feeling of the thick wall of humidity in the air, the way it pressed at my skin as we pushed our way through the dense foliage. The two of us trod through the thicket, bushy grasses scratching at our ankles as we placed our hands on cracked tree trunks to keep ourselves steady. You anxiously looked back once every few seconds, afraid that one of our parents or Haejol were calling for us.

“Calm down,” I murmured, kicking aside a dead tree branch lying on the ground. “We’re not going to get in trouble.”

“Baek, I’m nervous,” you groused, nervously tugging the sleeve of my tshirt. “What if our parents get mad at us? Or what if we get bitten by, like, a snake? Or fire ants? Or we get stung by wasps-,”

I stuck a finger on your lips. “Hush. You worry too much.”

“Get your hands off of me,” you snapped, slapping my arm away. I won’t deny, I thought you looked really funny at that moment. You were usually so well put together and calm. The complete opposite of me.

My parents always used to lecture me about my hot temper, my wild actions, my lack of a “filter” in my mouth. But you were always cool and collected, carefully analyzing a situation while keeping your head.

That wasn’t how you were acting then, though. You were freaking out like Lindsay Lohan when she found out her spirit was in her mother’s body.

The two of us continued on in the woods. Occasionally, we would stop and rest. You would squat down, taking care to prevent your clean white shorts from touching the dirt of the forest floor.

After what felt like an eternity of walking, the initial thrill I had possessed from venturing out into the unknown alone had worn off. My stomach was grumbling, my mouth felt sticky and dry, and my skin itched from the heavy moisture in the air. By this point, you and I had progressed a considerable distance into the dense thicket of trees. We hadn’t been bitten or stung by anything yet, but I still felt uncomfortable.

Against my expectations, however, you had stopped complaining. I don’t know why. Maybe it was because you had given up on trying to change my mind.

Finally, I announced, “Let’s turn back.”

“How?” you asked tiredly.

“What do you mean, how? We just turn around and walk back to the cabin.”

“But which direction is our cabin in?”

My eyes widened. “Uh...,” I rapidly turned a 360. Where... were we? Oh crap, were we lost?

You crossed your arms. “You don’t know where we are, do you.”

“I know where we are. I just don’t know where the cabin is.”

“Are you serious?!” you burst out, stomping your foot on the damp soil. “You’re the one that suggested we walk into the forest, Baek! I told you this was a bad idea.”

“Give me a break, Haneul,” I snapped. “Why couldn’t you keep track of where we were going, huh? Do I have to do everything? Jeez, for someone who’s supposed to be so smart, you sure are stupid sometimes,” I mumbled under my breath. Unfortunately, I spoke those words louder than I thought I did. They were perfectly audible to you.

Your face turned red as you stormed up to me, sticking your face in mine. “Byun Baekhyun!” you shrieked, and that’s when I knew things were really bad. You never called me Baekhyun; it was always Baek (or occasionally Baekie, witha smatter of Baekpies thrown in).

But “Baekhyun”? Oh dear.

“You’re stupid!” you cried, jabbing your index finger into my chest. “I am not! I’m the one who told you we shouldn’t be doing this, first of all.”

“I was just trying to be bold and take risks! You wouldn’t know about that, Park Haneul.”

You threw your hands up in the air in exasperation. “Because I’m not an idiot like you! I don’t do stupid things in school, like pranking Miss Dae with your dumb little friends Kyungsoo and Sehun and Jongin. Who was the one who tried to set Principal Kim’s podium on fire during the schoolwide assembly?”

“That was supposed to be a joke! I didn’t know his beard would catch on fire!”

“Because you’re an idiot, Baekhyun!” You stuck your hands on your hips. “And I’m stupid? Who’re you kidding? I’m way smarter than you! I won the ‘Most Academic’ award at the school banquet. And I always get higher grades than you!”

“I know you’re smarter than me!” I roared. My temper was quickly approaching its limit. “I know you always get praised by the teachers and always rank first in our class, okay? I get it, you’re smarter than me! I’m reminded about that every single day by everyone!”

My angry shouts echoed into the empty space, resonating through the air. A flock of birds glided through the air above us, letting out ringing squawks. Apart from the rustle of the leaves and the chirp of the insects in the forest, everything was silent.

You were staring at me with a dumbfounded expression. My chest was heaving. Your mouth was slightly agape, your right hand slightly outstretched.

Finally, a sense of realization washed over me. What was I doing? Why was I shouting so loudly at you? We hadn’t had a fight like this since we were 10 and we were arguing about who got to pick first for dodgeball. You were my best friend. How could I have gotten into a fight with you?

But really... bubbling underneath the voices inside my heart urging me to smooth things over with you, was.... resentment. That’s right. I was jealous of you. Honestly, I always was. This wasn't the first time that my ugly green envy had reared its head.

Since we were always by each other’s sides and we had known each other for so long, it was natural that teachers, students, and family friends would compare the two of us. Examine us as if we were mildly intriguing specimen under a microscope, quietly discussing amongst themselves.

Yes, Baekhyun is a nice boy, but look at Haneul. She’s so smart. She’s won every single competition she’s entered. She’s never scored below a 95 on an assignment. Haneul is perfect. That girl is going to get places in life.

Remember all those potlucks and family parties and gatherings that our parents’ friends were holding? The ones we had to wear starchy button-down shirts and slacks to (or in your case, block-like dresses that made you look like a refrigerator when you walked)?

Remember how all the adults there would dote on you? Introduce you to their kids as the Park Haneul? Pester you for study tips? Gush to you about how proud your parents must have been of you?

I despised that.

They never looked at me.

They looked past me. At you.

And here we were, lost in the middle of the woods in god-knows-where, possibly about to die of dehydration and starvation and poisonous bug bites, and I was thinking about all those stupid parties. Where I was shunted aside. Treated like a shadow. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

You took a shaky step away from me. Your face was painted with angry and shock and sadness and regret and an entire medley of heart-wrenching emotions. My heart welled with regret but for some reason I couldn’t- just couldn’t- move to console you.

Then you whispered, “I’m jealous.”

I reeled back. My eyes enlarged to the size of quarters. “What? Jealous? Of what? Me?”

“Yeah. Jealous of you. Sorry, Baek.” You gave me a wry smile. “I think... that’s why I just lost my temper right now. I just... I guess it all just came out.”

“Haneul. Why in the world you be jealous of me?”

“Are you kidding?” You snorted. “Baekhyun, you’re... Baekhyun. The Baekhyun. Everyone loves you. You’re nice and funny and popular and cool. Dude, you’re practically the king of the school. Even all the girls in our class-,” You suddenly slapped your hand over your mouth. I chuckled softly, running a hand through my hair.

“Wow, the great Park Haneul is complimenting me,” I teased. “I’d better record this and take pictures. Because I’m never going to hear you call me cool and funny again.”

The tension flew from your shoulders as you let out a soft giggle. “That’s right, Baek. I’m never repeating myself again.”

You were back to calling me Baek. Yes.

“And what was that you said about the girls in our class?” I continued, inching closer towards her. “All the girls in our class what?”

The petrified expression on your face was priceless. I had to bite my lip to prevent myself from bursting into laughter; however, I think I ended up slipping a smile anyway.

“S-shut up, Baek,” you stammered, backing away from me. “I didn’t say anything. Get away from me.”

“Haneul, do you have a crush on me?” I cooed.

“As if!” Your face was brighter than the radiant July sun.

“Awww!” My arms wrapped around you, squeezing you to my chest. You shrieked, frantically flurrying about in an attempt to shake me off. But there was no breaking my firm embrace; you were trapped in my death grip.

“Gross, Baek, get away! Ew!” you cried.

“I’m sorry, Haneul,” I sighed. I patted your back in what I hoped was a comforting manner. “I was out of line. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that... it kind of just all came out. To be honest, I didn’t ever think you would want to be like me...,”

You laughed. “Are you kidding? Sometimes, I think that you’re my friend only by obligation, because we’ve been friends since we were babies. It’s like you’re in a world completely different from mine.”

I jerked back. “Are you serious, idiot? No way! Sorry, Haneul, but you’re going to be stuck with me for a while. Because we’re going to be best friends forever.”

This time, you were the one to let out a big “Awww!” and pinch my cheeks in a painfully tight grip.

You taught me something important that day. Everyone possesses qualities that make them special, that make them the envy of other people. When you think you’re utter crap with nothing going for you, that’s the wrong thing to do. Chance has it that there’s someone out there right now, looking at you and wishing they could be like you. That’s why everyone should accept themselves for who they are.

We felt like grownups when we went to our first high school party.

It was on the anniversary of my mother’s death, did you know? Initially, I wasn’t planning on going to Naeri’s party. But Haejol had withdrawn into her room, as usual, listlessly laying on the bed, her clothes reeking of cigarettes and weed. Father was gone. Probably at a bar somewhere. Drinking his sorrows under the table.

I couldn’t stand the silence in the house; it felt like it was reaching up my throat, its fingers tightening around my Adam’s apple, choking me, preventing me from taking a single breath, killing me. The night before, Father had staggered home, dead drunk. He stumbled to Mom’s old armoire, ripped all her faded night shirts and tan work slacks and long, lacy party dresses from the drawers. Threw them on the ground. Stomped on them and then collapsed to the hardwood floor crying and sobbing and shuddering and wailing for her, wailing for his precious Taehee to come back, come back, come back.

Who would have known that an absent-minded co-worker on the 28th floor of Mom’s office building accidentally forgot about the bag of popcorn he left in the microwave? Who would have known it would have caused a fire to spread throughout the entire floor, blocking off elevator usage and effectively trapping anyone on another floor who wished to escape?

My mother worked on the 33rd floor. She had no chance of escaping.

“Fire” is listed as the cause of death on Mom’s death certificate. But no.

It was a bag of popcorn hat killed my mom. A ing bag of popcorn killed my mom.

When I first found out, I thought it was pretty funny, yeah? The doctors called my response hysteria, not unsuaul for someone who is grieving, but I actually thought it was funny. A bag of popcorn ruined my life. A bag of popcorn caused my cheerful older sister to spiral into drug addiction, to cause my father grief when he even saw our house, to make me lose the one person who would always be there for me at one ring of a phone, one call of the mouth, one tap on the shoulder.

Mom.

We didn’t even have her body. She had burned alive. From time to time there were slivers of hope that pierced through my heart. Maybe she’s still alive, they whispered. Maybe she survived somehow.

But as the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months, that theory crumbled.

The two of us cried at her funeral. I still remember the way the stench of death and loss infused the air at the funeral home. It was in everything. It was sickening. I wanted to vomit.

So on the day of Naeri’s party, I called you. Told you that we should go. I wanted a distraction. Just a distraction.

The bass of Naeri’s Bose speakers hit our ears before we could even see her house. Her house was blaring loud, angry rap music, perfect for getting down and dirty. You mentioned to me that Naeri’s parents were on a business trip in Japan; the whole reason why she was throwing this huge party in the first place.

I remember how you tried to play the party off as no big deal. “It’s just a dumb party,” you scoffed, flipping your hair. “Just because we’re in high school now doesn’t make it special. Is this supposed to be a ‘cool’ high school party or something, because boys and girls will be there? Who cares?”

My eyebrows shot up. “You haven’t been to a boy-girl party before?”

“Well, I’ve been invited,” you responded, blushing, “but I haven’t had the time to go. I’ve been studying a lot recently. But now it’s winter break!”

I knew you were overjoyed to be at Naeri’s party. When we stepped inside, the two of us couldn’t see more than 5 feet ahead of us. The entire place was filled with writhing adolescent bodies, jumping and pounding their fists to the music. An eerily familiar odor aded the air- one that I had smelled on Father for many nights in a row. Alcohol. Naeri had alcohol here. I could practically taste the beer on my tongue.

You froze. I knew you had smelled it too.

“Uh, actually, Baek, I don’t feel too well,” you said, uneasily biting your lip. “My stomach kinda hurts. Let’s go home.”

Suddenly, a pair of arms were thrown around my neck. “Baekhyun,” a breathy voice purred, rubbing up against my torso. Your jaw dropped, along with mine. Lee Soojin was standing in front of me, wearing an outfit that would have been too small on a poodle. That’s how much fabric was on her body.

A strange, unfamiliar sensation was rising in my stomach. However, it wasn’t an unpleasant feeling. A thrill skittered through my nerves.

“I’m so happy you came,” Soojin tittered, drawing circles with her index finger on my bicep. You were glaring at me and her with a scandalized expression. “Naeri said she invited you, and I was just dying to see you here.”

“Yeah.” I forced a wide grin. “I’m happy to see you here too.”

“Baek, my man!” a hoot rang out from the center of the room. Kyungsoo, Jongin, Luhan, Sehun, and the entire gang of my friends pushed their way through the crowd. They were each sporting red Solo cups. I could take a gander at what those drinks were.

“Hey, guys.” I clapped Tao on the back, throwing a wink at Kyungmi. “Nice to know you’re here.”

“Baek, you’ve gotta try this.” Kris handed me a cup full of a thin amber liquid. “This is good.”

My face went blank. I cautiously took the cup from Kris, edgily whirling around the contents of the drink. Should I try it? Alcohol was poison, I know. I had experienced that first hand with my father and my sister. It had ruined them.

“Don’t do it, Baek,” a soft voice pleaded from behind me. I whirled around. You were standing there, looking tiny and forgotten in the midst of all of my friends. An anxious expression riddled your features as your peered at the beer in my hand.

“What are you doing here, Haneul?” Soojin asked, rather unkindly. “I thought you stayed at home studying all the time.”

Your face flushed. “I... just wanted to try going to a party,” you mumbled. Your fingers started fidgeting behind your back.

My friends chortled unkindly, obviously humored at your discomfort. “Well, how are you supposed to get the full party experience without taking a drink?” Sehun asked you in an exaggeratedly slow voice, like he was talking to an infant. “Why don’t you try some, Haneul?”

“Yeah, try some.” Luhan a half-filled cup at your hands.

And all of a sudden everyone had ganged up around you from all corners of the party, watching in anticipation to see if the valedictorian, the perfect child Park Haneul would take a drink. I watched the scene as if I was viewing everything from the other side of a looking glass, not an active part of the incident but still able to take in all the proceedings. I didn’t miss the desperate glances you threw at me, your eyes begging for me to do something, defend you, get my friends off your back.

But I didn’t.

On the surface I told myself it was because I was frozen in shock. Everything was happening so fast that I couldn’t process what was happening. But that’s not true. I would be lying to myself- and you- if I kept thinking that.

I didn’t do anything because I was curious to see what would happen.

I wanted to see if you would do it. If Park Haneul would finally break the rules.

And when you made that sound- that sound that sounded like you were choking- and you stumbled backwards and flew out of the house, tears streaming down your face, I didn’t move. I didn’t run after you when my friends started guffawing and howling with laughter, chanting that you were a goody-two shoes and a prig and a straight edge.

I hated to admit it, but it felt... refreshing.

You were gone, finally. You couldn’t hold me back from doing anything I shouldn’t have.

I wanted to do something I shouldn’t have.

So when I chugged 5 bottles of Bud Lite that night and slept with Soojin twice, you weren’t there to stop me.

I learned something that night.

I felt liberated when you weren’t there. When you left that night- left the party, left our friendship, it felt like you were taking all the horrible, pathetic, disgusting things you knew about me far, far away. You knew all my dark, dirty secrets, from my adverse reaction to my mother’s death to my deepest insecurities about not being good enough for my family to the reason behind my unhealthy lust for adventure.

I learned that you were my conscience.

And that removing you made me feel free as hell.

We felt grown up at graduation.

I was quite relieved to be there; the principal had informed me a few months prior that if I didn’t pull at least a 70 average in my core classes, I wouldn’t be able to graduate. Thankfully, I had several advanced class nerds who were practically begging to help me cheat. While they were busy writing my book reports and laboratory studies and extended essays, I was at another party, chugging vodka while 3 girls high off coke simultaneously tried to make out with me.

The good life.

I didn’t know what I was going to do after high school. Probably pick up a few more part time jobs to support myself. I had moved out of my house a year ago- if I spent one more moment living with Haejol or my father, I would go crazy- and had to pay the rent. There was no way my grades could get me into a college- hell, I couldn’t even afford college.

What had once been a necessity, an understood part of my future, had now dissolved into a mere fancy.

If my mother was here, she would’ve been furious. She would have cried at the way our family turned out. But she wasn’t here.

I took a seat in my assigned plastic folding chair. Graduation was being held outside, in the massive courtyards. The graduation committee had spruced up the existing flowers that were there and even added new touches to the scenery as well: clusters of vivid blue hydrangeas, their petals wide open as if kissing the air, bright purple and orange orchids tucked behind the seats of every student, soft pink lilies adorning the stage. The medley of flowers honestly looked like a mess, but it was a beautiful mess. The different blossoms somehow came together to form a busy but alluring set-up.

Kind of like high school. Although some florets stood out more than the others, the quieter buds in the background provided a gentle feeling to the courtyard. Other flowers clashed with each other, their petals providing an unpleasant contrast to each other. Despite the fact that the decorations looked rather chaotic, every individual flower possessed a certain beauty that caused the viewer to sigh in appreciation.

And right as I was looking upon the pastel daisies lining the grassy rows, my eyes fell upon you.

Your wavy black hair was tumbling loose past your shoulders, for the first time in years. I had always seen you at school with your hair up in a bun; or, on special occasions, in a braid. You were fixing the bright red graduation cap perched on top of your head. A black clip accidentally tumbled out of your hair. I couldn’t help but smile.

“Who are you smiling at?” a voice asked, coming up behind me. Kai slung an arm around my shoulders as he followed my line of vision. Apparently he had managed to shake himself from the gang of girls who were chasing him through the courtyard. When he saw you, his face contorted into an expression of disgust. “Ew, Humdrum Haneul? Why’re you staring at that?”

My stomach clenched at the nickname ‘Humdrum Haneul’. It had originated in the middle of freshmen year, a few weeks after the party. Everyone was still making fun of you for chickening out of taking a drink at Naeri’s party. We were reading the Phantom Tollbooth, and while our teacher was explaining the meaning of the word “humdrum” (which meant boring and drab), Sehun cried, “It’s Haneul! Humdrum Haneul!”

Your face flushed bright red as the entire class burst into mean-spirited titters. I could see the tears beginning to well up in your eyes. Our teacher tried to quiet everyone down but her efforts were to no avail. We couldn’t stop laughing.

We.

I was laughing at the name too.

My friends and I made life miserable for you throughout high school. After Naeri’s party, they selected you out as their primary target for bullying. There was something so funny about your goodness, the way you wouldn’t succumb to peer pressure or do stupid , that just made them so mad. I’m sure Kai and Chanyeol and Sehun and Kris viewed it all as a game, as a pleasurable past time to distract themselves from the drab life of school. Just another cliche incidence of the popular jocks bullying the nerd.

But it was different for me. My harassment was a way to convey my lasting frustration over your superior abilities; you were valedictorian, the winner of several more contests, the teachers’ favorite. My feelings as a child had not changed.

However, it went deeper than that. When I made fun of you... I felt like I was suppressing the secrets you held about me even further down. The more scared you were of me, the less likely you would be able to tell everyone how screwed up I really was on the inside. I intimidated you. You kept your mouth shut. Our friendship was fading to a hazy memory. No one remembered that I used to talk to you.

It felt like there was a gaping hole smack dab in the middle of my soul. Every terrified expression or frightened squeak my friends and I caused made the hole grew bigger.

I think my friends and I were the reason that you became so withdrawn. You never spoke anymore, unless you were called on in class. You never smiled, laughed, frowned, cried. You were an emotionless robot. Only at school to learn. Not to make friends or have fun.

We robbed you of your high school experience.

The guilt would catch up with me on the mornings after parties, most notoriously. There was something about my agonizing hangovers that would bring back memories of you.

If you were here, you would make me warm stew and pat me on the head. If you were here, you would berate me for drinking that much and being a moron. If you were here, you would sigh in exasperation but still hug me.

Maybe it was because we were at graduation. Maybe it was because I knew I’d never see you again. Maybe it was because I missed you too much.

But I found myself striding over to you.

“What are you doing, Baekhyun?” Kai shouted after me.

You were watching me approach with wide eyes, like a deer caught in headlights. Your hands limply fell to your side. No doubt you were expecting me to start teasing you again, or humiliating me in front of everyone. After all, what other reason would I have to talk to you? The sight made me cringe. It was beginning to kick in: I had truly destroyed our friendship. What was once a close, caring relationship had turned into a frightened look, a downcast expression.

I bent down and picked up your hair clip from the grass. “You dropped this.”

Your fingers quickly snatched the clip from my hand. “Thank you,” you uttered in a nearly inaudible whisper.

Some tugging feeling in my chest prevented me from leaving. I’m sure Kai was completely taken aback, wondering what the hell I was doing with you. But I found myself asking, “How’re your parents?”

Your jaw literally dropped. “G-good,” you stammered after a moment of disbelief.

“Is your mom still part of that book club?”

You regarded me with an uneasy look. “She quit.”

“Why?”

“Why do you care?” you growled. An instant later, you slapped your hands over your mouth, regretting your words. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

“There’s no need to be so apologetic, Haneul.” It was the first time I had spoken your name in 3 years. “I just... want to catch up with you.”

“Want to catch up with me?” Your eyebrows furrowed, something I recognized from our days of friendship that was a sign of impending danger. My stomach flopped around a few times. “Excuse me, but why do you want to ‘catch up with me’? We don’t have anything to catch up on.”

Ouch. That hit me like a brick in the head. I knew I had been a terrible friend and an even worse person, but I was attempting to make amends with you. “What are you talking about, Haneul? We were friends for so long-,”

“Don’t say my name,” you growled, and my eyebrows flew up. “We were never friends. If you had really been my friend, then you would’ve stuck with me, and helped me. You wouldn’t have made my life hell for years.”

All former reservations about addressing me rudely had flown out the window. Something in you had snapped, something that let the anger and frustration and fury directed at me flying out from their barriers.

“I thought we were best friends for so long,” you snarled. “We were together since we were in diapers. Talking together, studying together, laughing together, doing everything together. You were always outshining me, Baekhyun, but I didn’t mind because you were my ing best friend. And then you just drop me like a hot potato because I’m not cool enough for you? Because I didn’t take that ing drink at that one goddamn party? You ruined my life! You and your friends made me want to kill myself! It was easier just staying at home than coming to school and bearing your taunts and teases and insults!”

Deafening voices inside my head chanted, You deserve this, you deserve this, you deserve this.

You continued your harangue: “Why do you want to suddenly make up with me after so long? Are you trying to prank me? Play another joke on me? Well, I’m sorry to inform you, Byun Baekhyun, but you’ve extinguished every other possibility. You see, you’ve done so much to me that you really have nothing left to do. Congratulations!” You clapped your hands sarcastically, tears blurring your vision. “You’ve completely succeeded in making the valedictorian’s life a complete hellhole! Someone should give you a medal.”

Everyone was staring. Teachers, students, faculty, parents. I think your parents were there, camcorder forgotten in your mother’s hand, gaping open-mouthed at the scene we were making.

And that’s when you flew from the scene, your body shaking with sobs.

Later, when I looked back at graduation, I wished I had run after you. Endure the embarrassment, catch you by the arm. Get on my knees and apologize. Explain myself.

But I stood there like a coward, guilt wracking my senses. My friends slowly came up behind me. Kris placed a hand on my shoulder.

“You okay?” he asked in a low voice. My friends must have known that something truly serious had occurred between me and you. That is why they didn’t question why I talked to you and approached you.

I stood stone-faced, stolidly staring at the spot where you had been standing.

I wasn’t okay. I had finally realized. I couldn’t survive without you. I needed you, your cheerful laughter, your biting sarcasm, your deep empathy. You knew me so well. And you were the only one who could truly fix me. I should have talked to you about the pain my mother’s death caused me; instead, I chose to ignore it and shield my true emotions with partying and and alcohol and drugs, just like my family did.

You had taught me so much. How could I just blindly ignore all the lessons we experienced together? From the little expeditions we had as kids to the important trips we took as adolescents.

You gave me so much, Haneul, so ing much. And I just discarded it all like unimportant trash.

And now you hated me.

I could have not been a coward. I could have faced you. My imperfections. My flaws. My past. My present. My family. Everything.

But I merely turned away and told my friends, “We need to go all out at the party tonight.”

I feel grown up at your funeral.

I’m writing this on the back of your funeral program right now, wedged in a corner in a deserted hallway somewhere in the funeral home. I couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t stay in your service anymore, I couldn’t hear your mother’s heart-wrenching sobs, wracking her body, I couldn’t watch your father fall apart at the sight of your elementary school photos. Haejol wailed for the first time since my mother’s death.

“Haneul didn’t deserve this,” she choked. “We’re ups. Human garbage. We deserved to die more than she did. Not Haneul. Haneul should have lived.”

My father embraced her for the first time since my mother’s death.

It has only been a week since graduation. The last time I saw you healthy and alive. But it was that very night when I killed you.

Your parents can’t stand to look at me. Whenever their eyes lie upon me, they are looking at their daughter’s murderer. I’m sure it takes all their willpower not to scream at me and throw me out of the funeral home. When they saw me walk into your service, head bent and shoulders small, they were in half a mind to throw me out.

Would they ever have expected that their daughter’s best friend and the son of two of their oldest friends would kill her in the end?

They let me stay.

I ended up running out anyway, tears streaming down my cheeks.

You loved me. You loved me until the end.

I was at the post-graduation party at Luhan’s house, the night after we had graduated from high school. Our encounter from earlier had caused a greater need to drink in my body. I wanted to wipe out the remorse and forget about all the grief I had caused you. So I resorted to alcohol and drugs.

An hour into the party, I was ing hammered. The thumping music from Luhan’s speakers overtook my senses. Faces faded in and out of my vision, smiles popped out at me and occasionally the sensation of skin against mine would register in my brain. Everything was a dizzy blur and I couldn’t make out anything in Luhan’s house only strange figures and high-pitched giggles and fog clouding the windows but was that fog it was May how could it be fog my head throbbed but in a good way-

I went crashing into a tall fixture and toppled to the floor. Something fell on top of me and I screamed out in pain.

People came running to my side, gasping and asking me questions. All I could hear, however, were buzzing murmurs itching at my ears. Snippets of sentences flew out at me:

“...how much did he drink...?”

“...he needs to go home...”

“call.... parents...”

“...aren’t picking up...”

“try this number...”

“I’m okay!” I slurred, staggering up. “I’m going home! Bye bye bye!”

“You’re drunk!” someone protested, clutching my arm. It was Hana or Soojung or Hyeri or Naeri or some silly girl, trying to hold me back. Silly girls. They didn’t mean anything to me. It was only Haneul I cared about. Not these girls.

I must have said that out loud, because everyone was gaping at me in shock. “Are you talking about Park Haneul?” an astonished voice questioned, and I jerked my head up and down.

“Didn’t we just call a Park?” someone else muttered.

“Baekhyun’s wasted,” someone else said. “Completely gone. Keep him here until that girl gets here-,”

“I said I’m fine!” I roared, furiously batting around myself. “Get away! I want to go home!”

A pair of strong arms clasped themselves around my torso. “Shut up, Baekhyun, and sit down. We called someone to pick you up. You can’t drive home like this-,”

“Screw off!” I sharply elbowed my captor in the gut. He let go with a pained oof! and I tore away outside. Before anyone could catch me, I stumbled to my truck, sitting in Luhan’s driveway, and threw myself inside. Steadily approaching voices were nearing me. I quickly jammed my key into the ignition and started the engine. Within seconds I was speeding onto Main Street.

Everything around me was shaky and murky and shadowy I couldn’t make out anything I couldn’t see where I was going or what I was doing my body was starting to ache and my entire body was tingling and my head began to pound was I coming off my high I hoped not I didn’t know what was going on was that a person no it was a tree was I going straight it felt like I was looping around in circles and circles a honk screeched past me why did they honk how dare they bastards what was that headlights blinded my vision and I swerved one way and I wanted to throw up and suddenly I hit something I crushed something and my entire body flew forward and my temple hit the dashboard and

Darkness.

When I woke up, I was lying in a stiff white bed.

My body felt like it had been through hell. Like it had been pounded by a sledgehammer, run through a shredder, creamed in a blender and tossed into a microwave. A shudder ran through my body as a wave of pain coursed through my head. And my leg... I emitted a shout of pain. It hurt the most. I wanted it to stop. I clenched my eyes shut, praying that I would stop aching this badly-

“You’re awake, Mr. Byun Baekhyun.”

Struggling, I wrenched open my eyelids. A stocky, blonde-haired woman was standing over me, clad in a pair of blue scrubs. A nurse, I realized. Did that mean I was in the hospital? A glance to my left revealed a clear IV cord attached to my arm. A heart monitor in the corner was meting out systematic beeps. I was alive. I knew I was alive. I was perfectly fine, save for my excruciating pain. So why was I in the hospital?

“You’ve been out for a day and a half,” the nurse informed me, checking my oxygen saturation level. “You’re lucky to have survived. The amount of drugs and alcohol you consumed should have killed you. It’s a miracle that you’re still functioning normally right now. But I can’t say the same for others.”

My head swirled with confusion. “What... what happened? What do you mean, others?”

The nurse stared at me with a dispassionate look. Although she was trying to hide it, I could see the disgusted glint in her eyes. An ominous feeling of foreboding was beginning to wash over my senses. Something had happened. Something was not right.

“It’s not my place to tell you,” the nurse informed me in a curt tone. “I’ll bring in Officer Dae.”

Officer?! What had I done?

Several minutes later, a tall, sinewy man strode into my hospital room. He was wearing a stern expression, along with a navy blue police uniform. A gold badge was clipped to his shirt pocket. Officer Dae Hyun.

I gulped. Hard. . I must have really ed up if the police was here.

“Hello, sir,” I rasped. Stay calm, Baek. Stay calm. You’ll see what happened, and you can talk your way out of this.

“I see you have regained consciousness,” Officer Dae said coldly. “We have already contacted your father. He should be here soon." I cringed involuntarily. Great. Just great. Anything where my father was involved was guaranteed to start and end in disaster.

Officer Dae ignored my displeased reaction and inquired, "Now, Mr. Byun. I will explain to you why you are here. Do you have any memory of the party you attended two nights ago?”

I winced, rubbing my head. “It’s all blurry pieces to me, sir.”

“Mr. Byun, you were at your friend Lu Han’s post-graduation party on Friday, June 6th. You took copious amounts of the drugs dopamine, heroine, and . In addition, you consumed so much alcohol that your breath surpassed the Breathalyzer test’s illegal mark for alcohol consumption by several marks. That itself results in several laws broken: underage consumption of alcohol, usage of illegal drugs, driving While intoxicated.”

I nodded, a downcast expression on my face. Inside, though, I was relieved. I had talked myself out of these situations before. This would be a piece of cake. I would be home in no time. My father wouldn’t have to meddle in this at all.

To my surprise, the officer added, “That’s not the worst of it.”

My eyebrows quirked up.

“Your friends at the party attempted to call someone to pick you up, due to the fact that you were so inebriated you could barely walk. Your father and sister did not pick up the phone, so your friends went through your contact list, looking for adults. Finally, they found an entry that read ‘Mrs. Park’.”

Yes, I know. I still had your mother's number saved in my phone, along with your number. I would always make up some excuse as to why I didn't delete them. Honestly, I don't think I wanted to let go of the faint remnants of our friendship.

But I wasn't understanding how any of this connected to why I was lying in a hospital bed.

“They called her and informed her about your situation. Mrs. Park was aghast. Her daughter, Park Haneul, overheard her phone conversation. Park Haneul immediately demanded to go pick you up from the party. She was terrified that you might hurt yourself." The police officer's voice grows louder, more intense. His eyes are burning with fury. "She wanted to bring you back to her house and take care of you. As Mrs. Park described it, Haneul was close to tears with worry.”

“No,” I whispered. I knew what was coming. I knew what was coming.

“Haneul left her house at approximately 12:33 AM, heading for Mr. Han’s house. According to eyewitness approximations, you left Mr. Han’s house at around 12:40 AM. As determined by the skid marks left by your vehicle at the scene of the crime, you were driving 60 miles per hour in a 30 mile zone.”

“As Haneul was driving up Gyeongbu Street, heading north, you were racing down Gyeongbu Street, too, heading south. However, you were driving in the wrong lane. Your state of intoxication deterred you from driving properly, identifying road signs and lane markers, and- most importantly- detecting that there was another vehicle heading straight your way in time.”

“No,” I breathed, shaking my head. “No, no, no-,”

“Your truck collided with Park Haneul’s car head-on. Your truck was almost twice the size of Park Haneul’s car. In addition, you were driving nearly 30 miles faster than her. You survived with minor injuries- a broken leg, a dislocated arm, and a few scrapes. Unfortunately, Park Haneul was not so lucky.”

“What happened to her?” I murmured, my voice trembling. “Where is Haneul? What happened to her? Tell me, dammit!”

Officer Dae bowed his head. “As of Saturday, June 7, 12:43 AM, Park Haneul is no longer alive.”

The screams of despair that left my mouth rung in my ears for years.

The police say I am facing indictments of intoxication manslaughter, possession and usage of illegal drugs and narcotics, drinking while underage, driving while intoxicated, and a slew of other charges. I could be spending 30 years in jail. Maybe my entire life.

But that would never make up for what I did to you.

That could never make up for what I did to your parents.

What I did to-

I’m crying. I’m crying again. I want to die. I want to die, Haneul, I want to see you again, but I won’t, because you’ll be in heaven and I’ll be burning in hell for the rest of eternity, repenting my actions over and over again and IT STILL WOULDN’T BE ENOUGH, IT WOULDN’T BE ENOUGH BECAUSE I LOVED YOU AND I MURDERED YOU AND YOU STILL CARED ABOUT ME EVEN THOUGH I WAS HORRIBLE AND EVIL AND AWFUL TO YOU AND I WANT TO KILL MYSELF I WANT TO DIE I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU HOW CAN I LIVE WITHOUT YOU I NEVER PROPERLY APOLOGIZED I NEVER TOLD YOU THAT I LOVED YOU HOW CAN I LIVE WITH MYSELF I KILLED THE WOMAN I LOVED HOW CAN I

I love you, Park Haneul.

I wish we could have grown up together.

A/N: It's 3 AM and I feel like this story makes no sense but whatever