there

Wonshik makes everything sound the most beautiful.

The low baritone murmuring in his ears was enough to make his head light and his eyelids heavy. If he closed them, maybe he wouldn't wake up again, but that wasn't so bad, not if this was the way he was going to go out.

Jaehwan glossed a hand up the whole of his arm and felt goosebumps as the voice continued to talk to him, lulling him into a pleasant trance of subconsciousness.

"Sometimes you can see the light flash by the window because it keeps turning. It’s a little hard on the eyes because the moon shines directly through the window too, but it bounces off of every available surface and bathes your skin. It feels nice."

His skin feels tingly and pleasantly cool and he skates his fingers down his arm again.

"There’s a river near here too, and if everything is quiet enough, you can hear it bubbling and humming. It’s louder than the crickets but you can still hear them too."

Behind his eyelids, the moon dances off the flowing dips and ripples of the running river and the crickets jump from leaf to rock and into the grass, rubbing their legs together and creating music. He dips his fingers into the running water and the clear ribbons flow between them. The cool air is nipping at his bare arms and legs but he can feel the warmth of a body just right next to him, their thighs just barely touching.

"The river leads to a wide open lake . . . At night the water is dark, like if you took even one step in it, it would swallow you whole, but in the sunlight . . . In the sunlight it's opalescent and translucent. A bridge to another universe. Sometimes I just think it's a place I only created in my head, but I want to show it to you. I wish I could take you there."

Through the veil of unconsciousness in his mind, Jaehwan hummed, a heaviness settling deep in his bones and muscles. It's that familiar feeling that manifests in the darkest hours of the night, when the thoughts he's carefully tucked away in the farthest corner of his mind slowly but surely creep out, trying to overtake him. With every reminder that there is no warmth next to him, not really, the cold, almost painful heaviness gets stronger, stings more.

"I want to go there with you," he breathes, not even sure he's awake anymore. Being awake is so tiring. It wouldn't be so bad if he could go there, with him.

He brings his hands together, fingers lacing and pretending it's Wonshik's hand, because that's what he wants it to be.

"Will we ever get to go there together?" His voice sounds strange. It must be the river. It must be the crickets. It must be the lake that would devour him unforgivably. But if Wonshik was holding his hand, if they went together, that would be fine.

Sigh. "I don't know."

The river water turns freezing around Jaehwan's hand and the chirping turns to screaming.