Sehun

Why do I still keep writing in this stupid journal.

Nothing has been the same ever since that day; I think I'm ing scarred and I will never forget.. The truth was shoved into my face like an exam paper with a big, fat, glaringly painful F written in red ink. But this isn't as trivial as a mere school paper because this isn't trivial at all.

Nowadays people tell me I've changed. No ?! I don't care what anyone tells me. They don't matter, well, who does. I don't live to please anyone but myself. I live for me alone. No more stupid, cheesy smiles and laughter. all with those warm pats on the back during a hug, the "crinkle" by my eyes. Hell, I don't even like hugs.

I feel numb but my chest still hurts. I want to feel nothing.

You know, when I look at people with eyes cold and piercing, and I scare them off? Good. It's hella funny. It's the only thing that gives me satisfaction now, I think. Gone is the warm and positive, childlike Sehun.  Oh my god.... today people told me these today
"Sehun-a you're so cute.."
"Sehun, why are you adorable?"
Sehun you're sweeter than this cake!"

What the . I'm not cute.

Look at me. I am a black cloud of rain. At school, "Ice Cold Sehun" is my new title. It's kind of satisfying.

...I still keep asking this same stupid question.

Luhan hyung

Why

Why ing WHY

I can't write anymore. This journal is stu

The entry ended mid-word. The dark letters were written boldly, harshly, almost breaking through the paper.

Sehun laid in his bed.

After that day, that was the question that frequented his thoughts. Why did Luhan leave in the first place? If it was inevitable, why did he have to hurt Sehun so cruelly? And since when had he been planning the scheme?

For how long was he tricked? How long had he been in the dark from Luhan's true intentions? All those years and memories spent together must have been all an act. A stupid game to stupid Luhan

 Sehun fought the guilt that came from calling the only one he loved, stupid. Stupid...I'm the stupid one. Even with all his anger, Sehun could not bring himself to insult the man. Sehun felt so stupid and played; betrayed. How could he have been so naive. At that coffee shop that the next day after Luhan had bid him a see-you-tomorrow, Sehun's fragile glass heart gave in. It was as if all those years of knowing each other was spent with Luhan tapping on it, day after day, eventually making a crack in it. On that day at 12 in the afternoon, he succeeded.

Sehun could not comprehend just what the point was. But did he really want to? Could he even? Luhan made no contact and gave no explanation. Sehun simply had to cope, and this was his method.

He picked up his pieces - cutting himself in the process - and shut down all sense of compassion. Now, Sehun refused to feel strongly about anything.

This was his new motto.

Be heartless, or be heartbroken; there is no in-between.

-

end