I'm sorry because I left you

I'm sorry because I didn't understand

But should I really be sorry?

You did the same to me,

Don't you remember?

  "Hey, what's up with those lyrics?" Chanyeol flinched, not noticing Baekhyun come into the room. "Just because you write songs for me doesn't mean I'll sing every one of them." Chanyeol looked up at the singer, always taken aback by his features. His pale skin that contrasted sharply with his inky black hair, the way his eyes were slightly turned down giving him a puppy eyed look. Even the way his jawline was more angular instead of square left Chanyeol stunned by the man. At the moment he was smiling at him, which was rare now. Chanyeol hardly ever saw him smile when he was with him. 

  "And just because you don't sing them doesn't mean I can't write them." Chanyeol replied bitterly, looking back down at his paper. He sighed wearily, picking up the paper and crumpling it up. "I'm tired. I'm going to get some coffee." Chanyeol stood up, stealing a glance at the singer. The smile was gone, replaced with a more familiar look that he usually had with Chanyeol recently. Some concern, a little sad, but mostly regret. 

"Chanyeol," His name sounded foreign coming from the man. "If you need to take some time off you can, I can just-"

"It's fine." He left Baekhyun with his curt reply, walking out of the room without an explanation. Exactly how Baekhyun had left him, not through words but with actions. Which only seemed to hurt Chanyeol more.

♦4 months earlier♦

   He had to find Baekhyun. There was a song that he just finished and it had to be sung, preferrably by none other than Byun Baekhyun. 

  "Ah, Baekhyun! I was looking everywhere for you..." But the composer trailed off, Baekhyun just kept walking. He stood there for a moment, deciding whether or not he should try to speak to him again and also taking in the situation. He was with a girl, occasionally the two chatted and laughed about something Chanyeol didn't know. Honestly he didn't care. The only thing he cared about right now was where Baekhyun's hand was. His right hand was intertwined with the girl's hand. The hand that Chanyeol had held so many times, the hand that he knew as well as his own...was being held by someone else's. He tried to think of a rational explanation. Baekhyun doesn't have any sister's so that can't be it...a cousin? He didn't mention anything about relatives coming to the studio. It can't be anything too serious though, right? The thing that annoyed Chanyeol was that he ignored him. The only other time that Baekhyun had ignored him was when he had drawn a red heart on his face while he was asleep. He almost went the full day with it on until Tao, his manager, asked him about it. Even then it was only a couple minutes. 

  "Did you get the song finished?" Tao suddenly came up behind him, snapping him back to reality.

  "Huh? O-oh, yeah I did." Chanyeol said eloquently. Tao nodded his head and glanced in the direction of Baekhyun and the girl.

  "Kind of a shock isn't it? Didn't expect him to get a girlfriend right now. Or anytime soon for that matter." Chanyeol turned his head slowly towards Tao, letting the words sink in.

  "What?" The confusion apparent on his face. Baekhyun always said he was like an open book.

  "You didn't know? They just started dating a couple of weeks ago so I guess that makes sense." A couple of weeks? This can't be right. Tao must be jumping to conclusions...

  "Um, I-I just now realized I forgot a page of the lyrics..." Turning around he tried to walk normally. But considering he just found out that his boyfriend of almost two years was, has been, cheating on him that was kind of hard to do. He didn't know where he was going. The missing paper was just an excuse to leave. He walked past a coffee vending machine, where they had their first kiss. Chanyeol clenched his jaw, fighting back the tears that were threatening to spill over. Stumbling down the empty hallways of the entertainment building, his vision not as clear as it once was. Then he remembered that he was still holding the lyrics. Glancing down at them he read part of it. Tears wetting part of the paper, the ink smudging.

You always seemed like a dream

A fantasy that couldn't come true

Even now, with you in my arms.

Is this reality?

 His hands shook and they gripped the papers tightly, almost as if they were keeping him from just collapsing. Why did I ever believe for a moment that this relationship would work out? He felt tired, exhausted. Sinking to the floor he dropped the lyrics, not caring about them anymore. That's probably how Baekhyun felt about me when he started dating that girl... Getting up from the floor he decided to ask for half of a sick day. He couldn't face Baekhyun, not yet. He left the lyrics on the floor, by the coffee machine.

  Tao, being the understanding manager that he is, let him take the rest of the day off along with the next day also. Chanyeol felt slightly guilty because he was taking time off for his own personal reasons but being there with Baekhyun would be much worse. Maybe a change of scenery would be good for me. He decided to go to Busan and get away from the big city of Seoul.

  Chanyeol arrived in Busan a few hours later, taking in the smell of the ocean and clean air. He was already feeling more at ease. Booking a hotel seemed like the best option at the moment. Usually whenever he went to Busan he would come with Baekhyun and they would go to his beach house, but he didn't have the key on him. The memory reminded him that he was alone this time. That there was no Baekhyun here with him, that he had left him for someone else. His hands gripped the steering wheel tighter and his vision started to get blurry. Blinking away the fresh tears he tried to concentrate on the road. I can't get into an accident. A few minutes later he found a hotel, parked his car, and walked in. While he was studying the room, deciding whether it was an okay hotel, he saw a couple over at the directory. They were pointing to places on the map, probably deciding what they should see first. It reminded Chanyeol of a time when him and Baekhyun went to Japan about a year ago. Neither of them knew very much Japanese and had never been to Japan before, but it was a business trip. Baekhyun had one day off while they were in Japan so they decided to do something together. Being in Tokyo they had a lot of options.

  "We could go to Takea Street, there's probably lots to do there." Baekhyun suggested, pointing to it on the map. Chanyeol nodded slightly but then spotted Ueno Zoo printed in all capital letters on the map.

  "What about Ueno Zoo?" Chanyeol looked at Baekhyun hopefully, biting his lip to keep him from smiling too much. Honestly, he was really excited about the thought of going to a zoo. Baekhyun smiled and glanced at his boyfriend who was grinning despite his efforts not to. 

  "Sure," He looked at the map again, pointing to a bridge. "After we go to the zoo we should go to the Rainbow Bridge, it looks really pretty at night." Chanyeol nodded, still smiling. They folded up the map and headed towards Ueno Zoo. When they got there it wasn't as crowded as they expected. They almost looked at everything in the zoo, but it is 35 acres. Baekhyun, most of the time, was being dragged by Chanyeol to the exhibits. Chanyeol seemed to really like the red pandas because they spent almost 10 minutes just watching them climb up trees and eat. 

  "Baekhyun! Look at it! Isn't it adorable?" Chanyeol was grinning from ear to ear, practically cutting off all circulation from Baekhyun's hand with how tight he was holding it. Baekhyun nodded and couldn't help smiling from how he was acting. 

  "Yeah, it's pretty cute." Baekhyun glanced at his watch. 6:38 pm. "Chanyeol, we should probably go to the Rainbow Bridge now if we still wanted to see it. The lights should be on by now." He smiled, looking up at his boyfriend. 

  "Alright." Glancing one more time at the red pandas, he walked with Baekhyun out of the zoo. Taking a taxi they arrived at the Rainbow Bridge about 15 minutes later. Since it was summer the sun was just barely starting to set, creating a golden background for the bridge. "Wow, it looks amazing." They had stopped their taxi on a street across the bridge. Baekhyun nodded and took out his phone. 

  "Let's take a picture." They took the picture with the sunset and the bridge in the background. The lights from the bridge reflecting off of the water and their happy expressions being preserved within it. The memory was bittersweet, it was happy but now it was broken by the knowledge that Chanyeol couldn't go back to a time like that. I wish I could, even for just one day. I wish that I could...

  Chanyeol glanced back at the couple. They were walking away, towing their luggage behind them. Extra clothes. He was going to be staying for two days, but he forgot extra clothes. Oh well. Sighing, he walked over to the reception desk and checked in. Chanyeol almost broke down again when he realized what number his room was. 506. Baekhyun's birthday.

  The two days went by quickly, almost like a blur in Chanyeol's memory. Most of it was pain. Practically everything reminded him of Baekhyun in some way. One really memorable and painful moment was when he went to his favourite food cart for lunch. It's always the same person there and everytime Chanyeol went to Busan he was with his partner. When he walked up he was in a fairly happy mood, smiling when the employee recognized him.

  "Chanyeol! Long time no see. But, where's Baekhyun?" His smile faltered, remembering once again that he was alone.

  "Oh, h-he's not here. He's kind of busy right now..." The woman just nodded her head.

  "The regular?" Chanyeol bit his lip to keep him from talking because he didn't trust his voice. So instead he just nodded his head and tried to smile.

  Other than that, everything just felt numb. Nothing was quite as exciting as it would be were he with Baekhyun. 

  By the time he got back to Seoul it was dark. Walking into his empty house, he sat down on his sofa and his phone. No missed calls or texts. Not like Chanyeol was expecting anything. Still, he felt empty. Not a word from Baekhyun since that day. 

  Chanyeol woke up the next day, just going through the motions of his morning routine. Shower, get dressed, breakfast, brush teeth, go to work. Go to work...maybe I should act as if it never happened. He scoffed at his own thoughts. Easier said than done... He arrived to work right on time, as usual. Walking to the recording room he saw Baekhyun. Chanyeol tried not to look at him, but he looked different. He looked...tired? Not physically tired just miserable. Apparently he had been staring too long because the man glanced at him, recognition crossing his eyes. Chanyeol almost walked over to ask him if he was alright, but Baekhyun looked the other way and kept walking. Chanyeol did the same, not letting the hurt show.

  The months went by, Chanyeol going one way and Baekhyun going the other. Chanyeol tried calling him a couple times, but he never answered. That was when he officially gave up. Baekhyun wasn't his anymore. He occasionally saw the girl, but usually he just avoided Baekhyun all together now and the girl was always with Baekhyun. The only time he ever conversed with the man was when he was giving him song lyrics. They were recently all sad ballads. The singer complained occasionally, saying things like "Can't you write something more happy?" or "Seriously? Another sad ballad?". Chanyeol didn't mind though, Baekhyun was talking to him again, even if it was just complaints it was still something. Something that gave Chanyeol some hope that their relationship wasn't completely gone. Another thing that Chanyeol noticed is that Baekhyun didn't smile anymore. Even when he was with the girl, the smile was forced. It was so obvious to Chanyeol, he had seen his geniune smile countless times. Yet, he didn't do anything. Didn't talk to Baekhyun about it, didn't even try to make a joke just to see his actual smile again. Why? Why can't I?. Those four words were in his mind constantly for the past month. To be honest, he didn't know why he couldn't talk to Baekhyun anymore. 

  On some nights when work was more painful than usual, Chanyeol would go the cafe on his street. It was small and most of the time empty but that's what he liked about it. He could just go there, order some coffee and sit there. No distractions, no people that made his life painful. Just quite peace. Occasionally there would be this other man there. He was sharp. An angular jawline, feminine eyes, thin lips, and fair skin. He reminded Chanyeol of Baekhyun in a way. This man's hair was lighter though, more of a red brown. Whenever he was in the cafe he always reading a book. Chanyeol thought about talking to him, but always stopped himself before he could. He decided that he would go to the cafe today, not because it was an especially taxing day at work but because he was curious if that man was there. Chanyeol kept telling himself he was just curious, that it wasn't anything besides curiousity. He didn't have feelings this person whom he's never talked to. When he walked into the cafe, he saw the now familiar red brown hair and the edge of a book a few feet away from him. Instead of just ordering his regular black coffee and sitting by the window, he walked over to the figure. He was standing in front of him, but the man didn't notice him yet. Chanyeol was about to walk away without saying anything but a quiet voice stopped him.

  "Do you need something?" Chanyeol froze, looking down at the other person not knowing what to say. The man looked up at him, a slight smirk forming on his lips.

  "Uh, n-no. I-I just wanted to say "Hi" because I see you in here a lot..." The other man seemed to enjoy watching Chanyeol stumble over his words because the smirk slowly turned into a smile. Chanyeol laughed nervously, tring to fill up the silence. 

  "Yet you haven't said hi this whole time." Chanyeol just smiled, realizing this was true. It felt odd, to smile again. The other man set down his book, stood up, and offered his hand for Chanyeol to shake. "I'm Luhan." He took it and was surprised at how soft Luhan's hand was. Another thing that reminded Chanyeol of Baekhyun. 

  " Park Chanyeol. Most people just call me Chanyeol" Luhan released his hand and sat down, picking up his book again. "What book is that?" Chanyeol decided to sit down next to Luhan, the man didn't seem to mind. 

  "My book." Luhan looked up at him and turned the book so that he could see the cover. Sure enough it said Luhan's name on the cover in bold silver letters.

  "Ah, you write. So do I, but I write lyrics not books." Chanyeol's smile faltered a little mentioning what he does but Luhan didn't notice, or at least he didn't show it. He put down his book again, this time closing it and bookmarking his place. Turning to Chanyeol he just stared at him, almost as if he was trying to memorize every feature on his face. After a while Chanyeol shifted awkwardly, getting uncomfortable under his gaze. "Luhan?". He just smiled but his gaze didn't waver. 

  "Why do you come here?" Chanyeol was taken aback by the question, it was so straightforward. But he kind of liked that, Luhan was just straight to the point. So he decided to tell him the truth. He told him everything. Chanyeol didn't know what posessed him to do it, he barely even knew this man yet he was telling him everything. Luhan just listened, occasionally he would comfort Chanyeol. By the end, Chanyeol was crying into Luhan's shoulder. He didn't seem to mind this either, almost as if he was expecting it. He didn't try to push him off, or try to tell him to pull himself together. Luhan just hugged him and let Chanyeol cry.

  The two continued to talk, meeting up at the cafe almost everyday. Luhan was so much different than Baekhyun, yet he occasionally reminded Chanyeol of him. Walking to the cafe again, he stopped at the door, hand hovering over the smooth silver handle. Baekhyun? He blinked a couple times, not believing it. His vision cleared, seeing the brown hair and slender frame. Chanyeol's heart faltered a little, in dissapointment and relief. Just Luhan. He glanced up at him then, waving and smiling at Chanyeol. Relaxing a little he opened the door, hands still shaking slightly. 

  "Are you okay? You look kind of pale..." Chanyeol sat down next to Luhan, avoiding his gaze. 

  "Yeah, I'm fine." He didn't buy it though. Leaning down he looked at Chanyeol, seeing the dissapointment and hurt on his face. He sighed, already knowing what was wrong.

  "It's Baekhyun isn't it?" Chanyeol just nodded, he didn't even have to say anything for Luhan to know. Another thing that he liked about him. "Do you want to talk about it?" He fidgeted nervously. I've told him everything else, why can't I say this? Forcing a smile on his face he turned to Luhan. 

  "It's nothing, don't worry." Luhan didn't push it, he leaned back in the wooden chair and stared out the window. Orange and golden hues illuminated his face, making him look almost unreal. Chanyeol smiled slightly, just looking at Luhan made him feel better. Directing his attention to the window he saw a beautiful sunset. Pink and orange streaks painting the sky with the slightest hint of blue above everything. Sitting next to Luhan they watched the sun set. No words were exchanged, because there wasn't the need to talk. For the first time in what seemed like forever, Chanyeol felt happy.

  The pain that Baekhyun had caused him was almost forgotten. Of course it was still there, but it was dulled. Luhan helped Chanyeol forget the bad memories by replacing them with new memories. Memories of happiness, smiles, and laughter. Of sunsets and coffee, and affection and love. Chanyeol still missed Baekhyun sometimes, but Luhan was always there to comfort him. Even work was bearable now. Chanyeol was writing happier songs and talking more often. Baekhyun must have noticed though because he smiled more. It wasn't his usual smile, this one was almost drained of the emotions that come with smiling. But it also wasn't forced, it was genuine. Maybe he's happy that I've moved on? It was still so obvious to Chanyeol that Baekhyun wasn't happy in his relationship. It's been 3 months since they started dating and Baekhyun...he just wasn't himself. Yet still, Chanyeol didn't have the courage to ask him about it. He was concerned, he still cared about Baekhyun in some way, but he couldn't talk to him. 

  "Good morning, Tao." Chanyeol smiled and waved at the manager, his mood surprisingly good at work. Tao waved back and continued walking to wherever he was going. Chanyeol stopped at the coffee vending machine, not even hesitating before getting some coffee and walking over to the recording room. Baekhyun wasn't there yet so he just sat down and sipped his coffee. Maybe I'll talk to him today, ask him how he's been. He didn't have much time to consider what he would even say before the door swung open and a slim figure walked through the door. Clearing his throat Chanyeol set down his coffee, glancing up at Baekhyun. "Hey," Baekhyun glanced up at him, something crossing his face. Surprise? "H-How have you been lately?" It was a minute or two before Baekhyun responded.

  "Um," Baekhyun wasn't looking at him, instead he was staring into the recording room at the microphones. Chanyeol could see that he was biting his lip though. "Okay. How about you?" Chanyeol took a deep breath, not sure how to respond. Honestly, he didn't think the conversation would continue. 

  "Good, I've been good." He smiled a little and tried to see Baekhyun's face, but he turned away from him more. The man suddenly stood up and walked towards the door.

  "I'm going to talk to Manager Tao for a moment." Chanyeol frowned a little, suspicious, but then nodded and turned back to his coffee. He's probably just confused because we haven't talked in so long. Baekhyun didn't come back until about an hour later, by then Chanyeol had almost a full song written. He sat down, looking at Chanyeol for a moment, then quickly averting his eyes. 

  "Here," Chanyeol handed him the papers. Baekhyun looked them over, a slight smile appearing. 

  "Happy lyrics..." He laughed shakily, then bit his lip again.

  "Yeah, isn't that what you want?" Baekhyun nodded. It was so quiet in the room after their conversation that Chanyeol heard something hit the papers that Baekhyun was holding still. Chanyeol knew that sound, he heard it when he first found out about Baekhyun's new relationship. Leaning in closer he realized he was right. "Baekhyun," Mild surprise tinged his voice. "Are you okay?" He looked up then, his eyes slightly glossy, wet streaks creating trails down his face. 

  "Huh? Oh." Rubbing his eyes he laughed a little. "I-It's just allergies..." He tried to smile at Chanyeol, but Chanyeol knew it wasn't allergies. Baekhyun's never gotten allergies. If Baekhyun wanted me to know he would have told me, right? Leaning back in his chair he sighed.

  "Right, allergies." Chanyeol glanced at him. Relief? "Well, should we go over that song?" Baekhyun nodded and stood up, walking towards the microphones in the other room. Putting on some headphones he gave Baekhyun the signal that he was ready. He nodded and looked over the lyrics again. Two minutes went by and Baekhyun hadn't made one sound. What's wrong? Chanyeol mouthed the words to the singer. He shook his head, setting down the lyrics. I can't, Chanyeol. I'm sorry. He left the room soon after, basically running. Chanyeol didn't understand. It's almost as if Baekhyun wasn't over the relationship, and yet he was the one who left. Chanyeol almost went after him but he realized that Baekhyun had left for a reason. Because of me, I did something. But what? 

♦One week later♦

  Baekhyun didn't come to work for three days after that incident in the recording room. Chanyeol still went to work though, trying to come up with new songs for when he came back. But for some reason, he couldn't think of anything. He was basically all alone. Luhan was in China at the moment for a booksigning event and Baekhyun wasn't at work. Walking down the hallways he saw Tao and decided to ask him about Baekhyun.

  "Hey, have you heard from Baekhyun at all?" Tao nodded slightly.

  "Yeah, he says he's sick." 

  "Oh, I see." Chanyeol was about to start walking again when Tao stopped him.

  "Maybe you should visit him sometime." Tao waited for a response, so Chanyeol just smiled.

  "Um, yeah. Sure." I can't do that. If Baekhyun can't even handle being in the same room as me he won't be able to handle me coming to his house. Deciding against the idea he walked towards the recording room.

  Baekhyun came back 2 days later, taking a full week off. He looked worse than he has been. Disheveled hair and puffy eyes with bags underneath them. Chanyeol tried to give him some space, but he was concerned. 

  "Baekhyun, are you alright? You don't look too well..." Beakhyun just mumbled a quiet "I'm okay" as he had been every time Chanyeol asked. Which was a lot lately. Had they broken up? No, I would have found out by now. Maybe he really was just sick... The coffee machine was always Chanyeol's first stop when he came to work. Upon seeing Baekhyun earlier he decided to get him some coffee too. Baekhyun was already in the recording room so he just walked in and held out a cup of coffee towards Baekhyun. He hesitated, but eventually took it and sipped some of it. He smiled a little then set it down and sighed. Sounding exasperated. 

  "I can't sing today because my throat is still sore." Baekhyun sat up a little, but was still staring at the coffee cup. He was sick. 

  "Oh, yeah. That's fine. I didn't come up with any new songs anyways while you were gone." Chanyeol said non-chalantly. Baekhyun, however, looked surprised.

  "Not even one?" Baekhyun finally looked at Chanyeol, he could see that he looked slightly concerned. He shook his head.

  "Not even one."

  It was like that for a while. Chanyeol struggled to come up with lyrics. He told Luhan about his problem and he just said that Chanyeol is overthinking it. That helped slightly, he wrote one songthe next day. But it just didn't come as naturally anymore.

  

♦Present time♦