Begin Again
Begin AgainIt was a day after my twentieth birthday that I began to have this haunting dream. It wasn’t vague but it wasn’t vivid either. It wasn’t even pleasant.
I saw flashes of red—blood—it felt as if I was in a middle of a war. I stood guarded because it seemed like I am the queen watching my soldiers—one by one—fell to their deaths all because of a man; the traitor. He was far from me but I could feel his eyes were watching me. The odd thing was my heart almost yelled for all of this to stop. But how could I? Why should I? That man is a traitor. But why did it felt like I long for him? My heart ached as he fought his way towards me. He was already wounded but he kept going. Perhaps he wanted to kill me but when he was thirty steps away from me I could see tears in his eyes but three arrows had already pierced through him.
I woke up in tears every night. Looking at how worst I have become my parents sent me to a shrink and gradually the dream vanished. It wasn’t until that one day when a dying man triggered the dream back into my sleep.
“You look miserable Dr. Seo do you want a cup of coffee? To freshen you up a little bit”
“Yes please. Thank you” I say. Indeed I am feeling rather miserable. That dream appears for the third time this week and I couldn’t catch a good sleep.
With a freshly brewed coffee in my right hand and a couple of files in my left, I made my way to make my regular rounds on my patients. I deal with cancer patients mostly but I am a surgeon as well. My next round will be at the E.R and that is where that person is.
It didn’t bother me at all when I was first introduced to his case because like the other cancer patients that haven’t reach the critical phase there is still a good chance of survival through surgery. Or so I thought. His cancer has affected his vital organs; his heart, his right lung and his left kidney. This was what triggered the dream. His cancer growth is similar to the man’s wounds.
“Good morning doctor” he says to me with a very unusual cheery face for someone who have only just had a major surgery yesterday. “Which part of my body will you fix this time?”
I blocked the thoughts of the dream away and I try to sound less timid this time. “Your next surgery will be sometime around next week Mr. Jung, right now we’re letting your body heal”
His mouth formed an O. Things got quiet as I checked his vitals but once my hand was on his, all I could hear is my own heartbeat.
“Have we met doctor?” he suddenly asks. My eyes immediately averted to his and once our eyes met I swear he is the man in my dream; the traitor in my dream.
The dream came again and this time everything was almost silent.
There he was standing a few feet from me; bloodied and wounded. Three arrows went through his flesh. He was limping and his eyes were still on me. There wasn’t hatred in his gaze. I could feel it. He wasn’t here to kill me. He was here to see me.
‘Pardon me your grace. Are you sure about this?’
Someone who seemed to be my imperial guard asked. I could feel myself nod. “His death is necessary for our land to be free and far from conflict” I replied but my voice sounded restricted and halfhearted even.
‘It is necessary for our land but is it necessary for you?’
I turned away to see the traitor. He wasn’t too far from me now.
The imperial guard approached him and I could see he was whispering something to the guard. His eyes were still on me. So were mine. He shuffled forward but again his path was blocked by the guard. He made another step and another but as he was trying to extend his hand the guard had already pierced him with his sword.
I woke up in cold sweat. The dream has appeared much detailed then it was when I was younger. For years I have stopped having the dream but that man unlocked it from my thoughts. Is he really him? Is he really the traitor from my dream?
“What are you doing up and about Mr. Jung? Aren’t you supposed to be in bed?”
My shift starts at noon today and cancer patients usually prefer to stay indoor but here I saw him dragging his oxygen tank wandering around the hospital lawn.
“It’s getting stuffier in there doctor. I might go crazy if I stay another minute” he smiles. “You’re having late shift today?”
I nod. “I have an hour or so before my shift starts. Wanna go to the cafeteria?”
“Sure! You’re paying for me though”
We talked and talked along our way and through our conversation I realize it was as if I have known him. Is it crazy to dream of someone you have just met a couple of days ago? I won’t deny that he has a killer good look but I can’t help but wonder if there is something the dream is trying to reach out to me. His eyes, his lips and his laughter all seemed too familiar in my head. Slowly I intercepted the topic of clairvoyance and prophetic dreams into our conversation. What he says next I did not expect at all.
“My parents made me see a shrink when I was younger but no matter how many times I met this shrink the dream won’t go away”
“What did your parents do after that?”
“They brought me to see a monk and… what he said was funny really” he let out a soft chuckle. “He told me I have an old soul residing in me and I was experiencing what he said to be my past life”
I haven’t thought about that before. “Wow…” was all I said. “Well, I have this friend and she is experiencing the same thing as you were. I should tell her to see a monk then. It stops right? The dream”
“It disappeared alright” he suddenly went quiet. “It returns”
“When does it start again?”
“This might sound crazy but…” he fiddled with his cannula, “It started when I met you”
The dream came again and this time everything was silent and still.
There he was standing a few feet from me; bloodied and wounded. Three arrows went through his flesh. He was limping and his eyes were still on me. There wasn’t hatred in his gaze. I could feel it. He wasn’t here to kill me. He was here to see me at the cost of his own life. His dignity is still fully intact.
‘Pardon me your grace. Are you sure about this?’
Someone who seemed to be my imperial guard asked. I could feel myself nod. “His death is necessary for our land to be free and far from conflict” I replied but my voice sounded restricted and halfhearted even.
‘It is necessary for our land but is it necessary for you?’
What the guard had said rang truth. I could run away and leave this land but I won’t. He knows me too well. I wouldn’t just leave this land, the land where my ancestors had fought so hard for. I couldn’t do that and he knows that.
I turned away to see him, the traitor and my once love. He wasn’t too far from me now.
The guard asked for my permission to execute him. Why would he ask me again? I have decreed for his death. But I wasn’t certain. I don’t want him to be killed. I don’t want to see him hurt. I feel like running to him, begging for everything to stop. But how could I? I have decreed. A ruler could never undo what has been done even though he once had a place in my heart. No. He still has a place in my heart.
The imperial guard approached him and I could see he was whispering something to the guard. His eyes were still on me. So were mine. He shuffled forward but again his path was blocked by the guard. He made another step and another but as he was trying to extend his hand the guard had already pierced him with his sword.
I was just woken up by the dream when I received a call from the hospital. Jung Yonghwa’s lungs suddenly collapsed.
I went to the hospital almost immediately and when I arrived the other doctors had already began on him. When I saw him seeming almost lifeless it was as if my heart has stopped for a moment. I kept staring at the heart monitor. He is still breathing.
“Hey doc…” his voice softly echoed beaten by the sound of the heart monitor.
“You gave us a fright for a moment there Mr. Jung” I say. I couldn’t really tell him that I almost lashed through the glass when I saw his heart beat had flattened. I barely leave his bed side.
“I had the same dream again…”
“Really?” I couldn’t tell him I’ve had it too just moments before the call.
“I think I understand what the dream is about”
I wonder what he can deduct from the dream. I have been searching for answers ever since the dream returns to me. “I am repenting my sins from my previous life. Did I tell you I was shot down with arrows? The cancer started at the spots I got hit and the worst is my right lung. I got stabbed exactly where the cancer accumulated. I don’t expect you to believe me doc but I just need someone to talk to”
“I’m sorry I brought up the topic. I am only a doctor. It is an utmost privilege for you to have this conversation with me”
He sighs before smiling at me. “It feels like I’ve known you for a long time doc…”
I nod, smiling even because I too am feeling the same way. If it is true that his condition now reflects his sins from the past, what is the reason for me to have this dream?
“You rest well Mr. Jung. Just ring the nurses if you need anything” I say as I was leaving. I am relieved to know that he is doing well now. But before I could leave his side I hear a faint whisper from him.
“I’m sorry”
The dream came again and this time everything was silent and still.
There he was standing a few feet from me; bloodied and wounded. Three arrows went through his flesh. He was limping and his eyes were still on me. There wasn’t hatred in his gaze. I could feel it. He wasn’t here to kill me. He was here to see me at the cost of his own life. His dignity is still fully intact.
‘Pardon me your grace. Are you sure about this?’
Someone who seemed to be my imperial guard asked. I could feel myself nod. “His death is necessary for our land to be free and far from conflict” I replied but my voice sounded restricted and halfhearted even.
‘It is necessary for our land but is it necessary for you?’
What the guard had said rang truth. I could run away and leave this land but I won’t. He knows me too well. I wouldn’t just leave this land, the land where my ancestors had fought so hard for. I couldn’t do that and he knows that.
I turned away to see him, the traitor and my once love. He wasn’t too far from me now.
The guard asked for my permission to execute him. Why would he ask me again? I have decreed for his death. But I wasn’t certain. I don’t want him to be killed. I don’t want to see him hurt. I feel like running to him, begging for everything to stop. But how could I? I have decreed. A ruler could never undo what has been done even though he once had a place in my heart. No. He still has a place in my heart.
The imperial guard approached him and I could see he was whispering something to the guard. His eyes were still on me. So were mine. He shuffled forward but again his path was blocked by the guard. He made another step and another but as he was trying to extend his hand the guard had already pierced him with his sword. I watched him fell.
A gasp escaped my throat. He is dead.
Tears began to fall freely down my face. He is dead.
I could feel my knees failing me and my consciousness was beginning to recede and in a moment I found myself staring at his teary eyes. They were dead. They were gentle but they were dead.
I had tears in my eyes. I couldn’t get home since my shift starts soon so I ended up sleeping on the couch in our break room (more like doctors leisure room to me). I didn’t even realize that I was still wearing my pajamas when I came in. Luckily I have spare clothing in my locker.
After making my usual round at the wards I then went on to the E.R where he is now. I already long to see his face and the sound of his voice make me relaxed. But when I finally came to him he was still sleeping.
I watched him sleep. I watched his chest going up and down in a steady breath. I feel like crying. If what he said is true, that the dream is meant to show that he is repenting his sins from the past and for me to just forgive him, isn’t it cruel? He lives just to die.
“Hey doc”
His voice broke my reverie. I could see him giving me a worried look and I realized that I didn’t just feel like crying. I am crying.
“Is everything alright? Why are you crying?’
“It wasn’t my friend that has been having this recurring dream” I confessed.
“I know” he says simply.
“This isn’t fair”
“What is?”
“You… Your second chance to live a new life only to…”
“Die again?”
I didn’t say anything. His hand reached out to me and openly I reached for his.
“I think this where I say ‘I have been waiting for an entire life time for this moment’ just like in those movies”
I let a small smile escaped my lips. “I think I should reply it with ‘I have been waiting as well’”
This time it was a new dream.
A few days had passed after his death. My imperial guard was visiting me in my chambers. I was dying.
“What did he say to you? I saw him whispering something”
‘I couldn’t your highness’
“General… Please…”
He contemplated for a while. “Please excuse me for my words for this were his. He was calling out your name and that he was close to you. He kept calling out your name until the end”
Tears began to fall again. His last moments… that was the man I had loved. Merely pronouncing my real name is considered treason but him, he couldn’t care less. Along my rule as the queen he was the only one who would say my name and who would build me up time to time again when I feel like failing. I yearn for his voice calling out to me, calling out my name.
“No one is going to call out my name… my real name… ever again”
As I let the words out my tears fell. I long for his voice knowing that I will never get to hear him. But not for long… Not for long…
“I found this in the inter-webs” he suddenly said after a while of clicking on his laptop. I was there with him as I was having my break. “I think this was us…” he then showed me a web page that contains Korea’s history.
“Me?! The queen of Silla?! Queen Seondeok!” I yelled.
He quietened me down with his alarming stare. “You’ll draw attention to us silly!” He laughed.
It has been a week since I came out clean and it has been only three days since his second surgery. Truth be told, our once severed relationship is almost mended but not the cancer in him.
“I’m sorry” I laughed. “If I was the queen then who were you?”
“I was the dark knight of course. I was Bidam”
“I wonder what had happened to them back then… What caused Bidam to betray Seondeok?”
He shrugged. His face grew concerned.
“I am not blaming you Yonghwa… that was our past. But forgive me…”
He looked at me questioningly. “What was there to be forgiven? Everything was my fault… Bidam’s fault”
“I am sorry for letting you get killed”
He only looked at me. “I understand that Joohyun. I let myself being clouded and it was my own doing that ended me then. It was my doing also we ended even before we could began. I am the one who is sorry. I have been in pain for an unmeasurable eternity but now I think I can finally rest in peace. I think that’s the very reason why this cancer won’t seem to go”
“What do you mean?”
“I am meant to die Joohyun”
His last few words stung. I don’t want him to go and leave me again. I won’t let him. Not this time.
I promised myself that I won’t let him die. It looks like those words are just merely spoken out of naïve thoughts. His cancer is slowly consuming him. No amount of surgeries and chemotherapy could help him. I’ve been watching him deteriorating each day. His restlessness increases, his vomiting getting frequent due to the chemotherapy, his thick black hair fell more and more every day and so does his smile.
I tried to squeeze my schedule so that I could spend longer time with him and to be honest ever since we found out that all that is left for him is hospice I am the one who is growing even more restless. The thought of him dying right in front of me is just… unbearable.
The dream has stopped interfering my sleep. Yonghwa as well. But even without the dream he still couldn’t get any proper sleep. How could he? All he said to me was he’ll get a plenty of proper sleep soon.
“In the other life I have, in the other universe with limitless time; will I be with you?”
He had asked me one day. I was having a fine time fixing his finger nails when he suddenly looked at me with a serious expression.
“This is our ‘another’ life Yonghwa… I am with you as you are with me”
He let out a few soft chuckles. He is now limply lying on the same hospital bed ever since he got admitted. “Not for long your highness…”
I stopped fiddling with his fingers. “You know I hate it when you talk like this. You are not going to die. Don’t you dare give up. I won’t let you die. I let you die a lifetime ago and it was my biggest regret. Don’t you dare give up on me”
“My life is destined to end Joohyun. As my doctor you are aware of my current state. I am incurable now. Let’s just say that now I am repenting my sins for betraying my country and my love” he replied sounding almost nonchalant.
“But I have forgiven you! When I saw you at the battlefield I have forgiven you! You should’ve healed!” I cried. Finally after days and weeks of holding back my tears I let everything out.
This is a totally new dream.
I see him standing a few feet in front of me with his usual smug smile. His bangs parted sideways and his long black hair tied back in a high ponytail and my hair was down and I was wearing my princess attire. This reminds me of when we had first entered the palace’s court. If I had known…
‘Bidam’ I called out as walk towards him. I could feel butterflies in my stomach, jittery even.
He smiled to me with his arms open wide wanting me to run into his embrace.
‘Deokman’
That moment when his lips calling out my name, my real name, I feel the happiness I had long for. Only Bidam could have that effect on me. So I ran. I ran towards him and I felt the static of his touch first as our fingers intertwined and finally I could feel his warmth engulfed around me.
‘Shouldn’t we be free from this new life now that we have met once again?’ I said.
He kissed my hand. ‘We are now after I know you have forgiven me’
‘But why is this young man still dying?’
‘I did tell you that it is his fate to die’
‘He has to die in every lifetime?’
He didn’t answer.
‘But Yonghwa and Seohyun did nothing wrong. Everything was our fault to begin with. Why do they have to bear the consequences because of the fault from a lifetime away?’
He embraced me once again before answering to me. ‘It is Yonghwa himself actually. He hasn’t forgiven himself. His spirit won’t heal because of himself unable to forgive his very self’
‘Shouldn’t you be telling him that?’
‘I did. It is only a matter of time for him to understand’
I lay my head on his chest and I could hear his heartbeat. I have been waiting for an entire lifetime to hold him.
‘The matter of time is not in his favor love. His time is ticking fast’
“Yonghwa! Yonghwa look at me! Stay with me!”
I have been called in and to see that the patient is Yonghwa I could feel my heart sank. It is not his time to go! I won’t let it!
His heart had failed twice but I am glad to see his is still fighting. His parents are finally here. I could not imagine the hurt of watching your child… dying.
“Dr. Seo thank you for everything” Mrs. Jung has said right after Yonghwa’s sudden heart failure.
I could not say anything. I could only bow and gave her a very halfhearted smile. There is nothing to be thankful of. The storm is not over.
When his parents left I sat with him. My shift hasn’t end but I asked someone to replace me. So here I am holding his hand in mine silently praying that everything would be alright.
“Joohyun…”
I sat up to see him awake. “Hey you…”
“I am sorry…”
“There is nothing to be sorry about”
“I don’t want to leave…”
That is when I see tears flowing down his eyes.
“I am scared…” he continued. “I don’t want to die…”
I began to tear up as well. “Then don’t die. You remember what Bidam said in the dream right? Forgive yourself”
“What would that do? Will the cancer magically disappear?” he said sounding a bit mad.
“It’s worth a try. Don’t you believe in miracles?”
“The fact that my past life relates to you how could I not believe. Joohyun… I don’t want to leave” his breathe hitched, “I don’t want to die… I finally found you”
I wish I could hold him tight in an embrace but I couldn’t with all the wires attached to him. I could only squeeze his hand tight making sure he knows that I am fighting for him that he isn’t alone in this. “Your parents had told me about something earlier. They say they found a new treatment”
“Really?”
“It’s in a medical institute… In Seattle”
He went quiet. “What are the chances of my recovery?”
This I don’t know how to lie to. “It is a trial procedure and it is promising”
“Joohyun…”
“Please just give it a try”
He looks conflicted. “Then we have to part. Do you want that? If I die without you knowing will that be fine?”
“Letting you go to the States will be the least of my regret. I would rather hear you try than die without trying. But one thing I want you to do is… please forgive yourself. It wasn’t you. It was Bidam. Please Yonghwa…”
He looked at me and I could feel his eyes staring at me very features. “Do you really forgive me after all I had done? After almost destroying you?”
“I have. I have always forgiven you Bidam… and now Yonghwa… please I beg of you. Stop dwelling in the past. You are Yonghwa now not Bidam as am I no longer Deokman. Please…”
“Thank you Joohyun…”
The hospital has arranged for his immediate flight to Seattle but I couldn’t be there to bid a goodbye as I was pushed into a sudden shift. Sure I am his doctor but seeing the hospital has noticed our relationship I wasn’t allowed to go with him. Another doctor went with him instead.
My phone beeped as I was on my way to check on another patient. It was Yonghwa.
‘You haven’t really answered me’
‘What was the question again?’
‘Just in case I can’t make it alive.
It’s just a simple question really’
Tears threatened to fall thinking of the possibility. It was a 50/50 survival rate and I am trying my best to think of the positive side that he will survive this procedure but I couldn’t. I kept thinking that I will lose him just like Deokman had lose Bidam. The only difference is I refuse to let him die.
‘What is the question my dark knight?’
‘In the other life I have, in the other universe with limitless time; will I be with you?’
‘I did answer you’
‘Not the answer I’m looking for. Will I be with you?’
‘Of course Yonghwa. I bet my life and my next life on it’
‘Thank you.
Goodbye for now Seo Joohyun.
I love you’
I don’t care about the watching eyes as my knees failed me. I was already crying my eyes out when my colleagues ran towards me asking questions.
‘Goodbye.
I’ll wait for you’
'Thank you'
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