A feel good chapter of some sort.

xx, luneboy

It was only after the first few depressive months that I started to think about him more often and I realized that just because someone lives in your head or in your heart doesn’t make him or her any lesser or any less real than what he or she was when they were alive.

Sometimes when you think you’ve offended someone you have to tell yourself that you really haven’t. Sometimes when you think you’ve hurt someone, you have to tell yourself that it’s really all in your head. And sometimes when you think that someone doesn’t love you anymore because of a mistake that you made, that person will still, in reality, love you with their whole existence. I sometimes remember the time I shouted at Kyungsoo and I wish I could take all of it back but – but things happen for a reason. 

I control my bad thoughts as much as I control my good thoughts and I think all of us are built like this too. Sometimes when I remember Kyungsoo holding back his screams of pain, I choose to remember the times we spooned on the hospital bed; the feeling of his lips on mine; the way his eyes sparkled even on bad days as long as I was there. The soft touches feel much better than the hard ones and I control them.

I write this alone now – I have always been alone since Kyungsoo passed on but being alone means being free, doesn’t it? Being alone means your friends want to shower you with as much love as possible; being alone means the die-hard romantics around you yearn to be with you; being alone means doing the things you want without worrying about anyone else telling you that what you’re doing is wrong; being alone means enjoying both the rain and the sunshine in all its entirety.

But I guess I never was truly alone. Sometimes I feel the caress of the wind on my arm and I pretend that Kyungsoo’s wings are just brushing against my soul, telling me that there are no more people leaving me for good, no more tears left to cry, only words to speak and courage to plant within myself so the rain won’t scare me anymore.

And I’m not afraid anymore because the rain can sometimes be beautiful. The rain can sometimes come in the form of padded wrist cuffs and tear streaks. The rain can sometimes come in the form of an angel called Do Kyungsoo. And that sort of rain – oh that sort of rain will be yours to embrace forever. That sort of rain came to me and that sort of rain will belong to me forever.