Everyone just went there after school (not the ones who studied, no, they didn’t associate with us) because that was what high school students do. They spend their time and money on cafes with rock music in the background accompanying horrible coffee because school is too dreary, home is too boring, and anywhere else didn’t have music.

There was one boy in particular, however, that wasn’t from the high schools around the area. He was never seen in uniform so the rumors about him dropping out of school weren’t surprising when it reached my group of friends.

No one really knew his name, nor where he came from or why he sits at the same spot everyday devouring book after book.

We tried to figure out what his occupation was but there were too many guesses among us that could be correct and that was just the type of person he was – mysterious, unreadable, lucid, almost non-human.  

There were only two things people definitely knew about him – the fact that he dropped out of high school, and the fact that he sleeps around. A lot.

People wouldn’t even have to ask him for –they just ended up doing it anyway. Even those who were straight. It was never frowned upon because that stranger never told anyone who he had with and besides, we were all ually frustrated, curious teenagers. (Like that made it forgivable)

His name, for a very long time (both to people who haven’t slept with him and people who have) was “The boy who would sleep with anyone.”

***

A few days after graduation, one of my friends tried to kill himself. It was something along the lines of high expectations and never being good enough; something along the lines on his wrist and fortunately being careless enough as to leave the toilet door open. It was shocking, to say the least, because he once got an award for being the brightest person in our level, no matter how stupid it sounds.

His hands were bound to the sides of the bed by padded wrist cuffs and he couldn’t even pull up his blanket to hide them from us. We tried not to look at it for too long but he couldn’t meet any of our eyes from shame when a nurse took the cuff off his left hand.

We also brought a fruit basket to the hospital but realized when we wanted to peel an apple that everything in the room was made out of plastic. The bowls were plastic, the cup was plastic, there were no mirrors (not even in the toilet which was locked 24/7 unless he had to use it).

“Hey, can we get a knife in here?” One of us called the nurse standing outside the door.

He’s on suicide watch, the nurse said, his face void of expression, and Baekhyun utterly exploded.

“WE KNOW, OKAY! BUT WE’RE GOING TO CUT. THE. DAMNED. FRUITS.” Baekhyun let his chair fall to the floor. “Stop treating him like he’s crazy! JUST STOP!” 

The nurse grimaced apologetically and just went back to his post like he’s seen this scene (too many times) before. Yixing picks up the fallen chair and Baekhyun sits down, crying loudly into his hands. A pensive 30 seconds goes by and Kris spoke up angrily about how the skin of the apple has more nutrients anyway and that Baekhyun should really stop crying because Chanyeol is still alive.

Boys being boys, none of us really spoke the whole hour we were there until Chanyeol told us to go home and assured us that he wouldn’t try it again. Baekhyun kissed him on the cheek, lightly touching his wrist and whispering words of comfort in his ear until Chanyeol was about to cry.

All of us patted his back – Kris ruffled his hair, saying that he should get better so they can rap together soon – and told him that we would be waiting for him. 

“Chanyeol,” I turned around, leaning against the frame of the hospital door after everyone had left. “You left the door unlocked. You – You wanted someone to find you, right?”

Chanyeol turned his face away as much as his right wrist could allow.

 “Anyway,” I stood there for a couple more seconds until I was certain he wasn’t going to say anything. “I’m glad that person did.”

***

I stared at the boy who would sleep with anyone.

My other friends weren’t in the mood to go to the café so I went alone, instead, after visiting Chanyeol. By a mysterious force called impulse, I sat myself opposite the boy who would sleep with anyone using the excuse of ‘I don’t have a watch’ even though the one I always wore sat at the bottom of my backpack.

He didn’t seem surprised that I just plopped down right opposite him. So I decided to push my luck.   

“I’m Jongin.”

“Hey.” He put down his book. This is a great start, I remember thinking to myself.

“Why do you come here every day?”

I could see a small smile tugging at his lips. “The same reason you come here every day.”

“Oh? And why do I come here every day?”

“Because life is too boring and there’s no where else to go.”

I thought for a while.

“Well… that’s not… entirely incorrect…” I tried going for an ambivalent route but my traitorous voice made it sound desperate.

He smirked and I felt my stomach flip.  

“Anyway, why do you sleep around so much?”

“Dunno.” He replied, absentmindedly tearing a napkin into thin strips.

“Do you really just sleep around with everyone?”

“I know everyone says I do, but I actually have standards.” He looked up and gave a smile that said I will always surprise you. “I only sleep with people that intrigue me.”

“What good does that do?”

“Dunno.” His eyes become more opaque than usual. “Helps me put things into perspective I guess.”

I didn’t understand how that explained having but I left it alone. Sometimes mysteries aren’t meant to be solved no matter how much you want to solve them.  

“Am I interesting?”

He raises an eyebrow. “What, are you trying to get me to sleep with you?”

“No,” I stuttered even though it really wasn’t what I meant and he laughed. “I just wanted to know.”

He shrugged his shoulders, “Dunno. But I can sleep with you if you want to.”

That night was the first time I had .

***

List of things I know about the boy who would sleep with anyone

1.      I was 15 when I first saw him and now I’m¹⁷₁₈ 19. He has never missed a day of reading.

2.      He dropped out of high school.

3.      He’s always reaches the café before we do and leaves later than we do. (How does he even get here? Maybe he’s a ghost)

4.      He never has any gadget on him – no laptop, no hand phone. Never checks it anyway.

List of things I want to know about the boy who would sleep with anyone

1.      His name.

***

The months after the fall when I was 19 to the fall of the next consisted of me going over to his apartment once every two weeks, even if it meant ditching 9 other people. He told me things about himself that he apparently never told anyone, not because I was special but because I was justthere. I didn’t take it as an insult, though. I didn’t know why and I still don’t but I just didn’t.

He told me that we were the same age except he had a fall out with his dad when he was 13 so he quit school and left home. He did the “normal” – working odd jobs until he had enough money to waste his life away at cafés before running out of money even though the coffee he made at home with his high class coffee machine was way better than the one at the café. When I asked him why he even goes there, he just said that it was because he liked waiting for young boys to fall into his trap.

He was joking, of course. But long talks with him made me realize that he was so weird, you could never know when he’s legitimately joking and when he isn’t. He kept clinging shamelessly onto his favorite phrase – “Dunno” – and sometimes you can’t even tell if he had been listening at all.

***

“Have you ever thought of the perfect age or way to die?” He looked at the coffee in his cup swirling from the previous turbulence created by his spoon.

Round and round and round and round. Just when you think it’s about to go on forever, it stops and leaves you with nothing but disappointment. That was what he told me one day anyway.  

Without being conscious of it, I tilted my head to the left. “Why will dying ever be perfect?”

“You’re always like this.” He shot back quickly, almost like he was expecting it. “Always so eager to live.”

I smirked and pretended that was my explanation because in reality, I didn’t know why I was so in love with my dreary life. “Why such a question, anyway?”

“Dunno. Just asking.”

I shook my head, marveling at how peculiar he was. 

I took a sip from my cup. “I think if I had to choose an age, it would be 50.”

“50 seems like forever.”

“Uh-huh. What about you?”                                

“Probably 30. Maybe 25. I don’t know.” He brushes his feet lightly on the wooden floor – almost touching but not touching at all. “Life really bores me. Even 5 years seem like a very long time.”

It was a very long time, I soon came to realize. Because all it took was 2 years for him to die.

***

I went away for holiday for the winter when I was 20 and when I came back, he wasn’t at his apartment. He wasn’t at the café either and the thought of never seeing him again made me miserable. The fact that he didn’t even tape a note to the door of his apartment made me want to hate him but I could never bring myself to do it.

I found a job after I stopped waiting for him at the café and started to go about my daily rituals again. I worked, I ate, I slept. I liked to tell myself that he wasn’t part of my ritual but nevertheless, for certain reasons, I was unable to forget him. I remembered him from time to time and occasionally wondered where he was, if he was happy. But I never went as far as to inquire after him. Maybe it was my lack of courage, maybe it was my inability to think irrationally.

It wasn’t until the summer of my year as a legal adult that I went to visit a friend who was hospitalized for his eating disorder. I turned the corner and the boy who slept with anyone was just – there. I felt the weight in my hand disappear.

He just looked up at me with no expression on his face (what was I expecting in the first place? A tearful reunion with skinship and an enthusiastic greeting?). He didn’t seem at all surprised to see me but I definitely wasn’t ready for – for this.

He was in a wheelchair and a hospital gown and his face was pale, bones almost cutting through his skin. His eyes – were the same. It was almost like his soul didn’t change at all (how could it, for any darker and it wouldn’t even be a soul).

“Hey.” He picked up the letter I had dropped on the floor – the two words on the front of the envelope had obviously caught his eye. “Sehun? Oh yeah I heard he was here because he was trying to lose weight and got too carried away with it.”

I stared at him, stunned. It probably wasn’t the most intelligent thing to do but I couldn’t bring myself to look away.

“What? I thought you would’ve missed me more. No hi?” He grimaced at the silence that ensued and let out a tsk. “Fine. Cancer’s a real .”

It felt like I had just walked straight into a wall; or someone had just dumped ice down my back. Either way, I forgot how to breathe. It wasn’t only until a whole 10 seconds had passed before I felt like I was suddenly coming up from underwater. My ears popped loudly – one after the other – and I could definitely hear the blood rushing to my head.

“What?” The edges of my vision became fuzzy as the truth settled on my bones. “What did you say? …Cancer?”

“Yeah, I know right.” He gave an obnoxious scoff and looked at me with the same gaze that stole my heart months ago. “Me. Out of so many people.”

***

I held the hand of my now-boyfriend.

“How bad is it?” I breathed out and the words hung in the air like a noose ready to loop around someone’s neck.  

“One year tops.”

I moved the hair out of his eyes – they were still as beautiful as ever. “We can make this happen. We’ll steal time.”

Then he suddenly looked up at the ceiling, voice low and forlorn. He sounded almost hateful as he said, “Why did you come when I decided to give up?”  

I looked at him and didn’t know what to say so I trailed kisses down his forearm. “I’m sorry I came so late. I’m so, so sorry.”

 A silence followed and the only sound in the room was my lips onto then leaving his skin. It wasn’t until I kissed the back of his hand that he opened his mouth, voice cracking.

“Jongin?” He said

“Yeah?”

He was crying. He was crying and he – he never ever ever cries. The tear streaks down his cheeks darken his pale cheeks just a shade darker and the red in his eyes almost bulged out in comparison to his sunken cheeks.  He still looked beautiful but he was crying.

“Why are you crying? Please don’t cry,” I said shakily, and like an idiot, the tears in my eyes started to pool too.

“I’m scared.”

I felt the breath being knocked out of me and looking at his face, I saw in it a disaster.

His sobs sounded like shrill ringing in my ears. “I’m so scared, Jongin.”

I leaned over and kissed away his tears but I was just 20 and he wasn’t a kid anymore. How were we supposed to kiss everything better?

***

“Jongin, tissue.” I opened the door of the toilet, hurriedly pulling out a few sheets from the box.

He wiped his lips, reaching up with his right hand to flush down the tissue paper and what was left of dinner. He stood up shakily, holding onto the metal bars affixed along the toilet walls.

“Ugh. I feel nothing but absolute all the time.”

“I know.” I pulled the beanie over his head, frantically trying not to notice the hairs that shed with my touch. “It’s okay.”  

He let his forehead fall onto my shoulder, arms wrapping around the small of my back, squeezing tightly.

“I love you.” He whispered into the basin of my collarbones and I bent down to nuzzle against the soft cotton of his beanie. “I’ve loved you since you were 19. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“It’s okay. We still have time.”  

He chuckled. “We really don’t. I don’t.”

“It’s okay. We’ll steal time.” I ghosted my fingers over his neck and down his back, relishing in his small shudder.

“You keep saying it’s okay.”

I pecked him softly on the cheek. “Because it is.”

“You’re so affectionate it’s disgusting.” He teased, grabbing me by the waist. “Want to get way more affectionate?”

“What are you talking about?”

He smirked that smirk he always did and slowly grinded his hips against mine.

“Are you serious?” I pulled back, looking at him with wonder and surprise and – wow. “Now? Here?”

He nodded his head.  

“You just said you felt like !”

“I don’t care.” He kissed me again and by the time we pulled back, a tear manages to escape his eye. “I don’t care. Just pretend it was our first. Please.”

Soon, all that was left were our boxer-briefs – and our tears.

“I don’t think I can live without you.”

“I can’t live without – without you either.”

“So don’t leave me,” I begged, intertwining my fingers with his hair.

His eyes widened for a bit before grabbing the back of my neck and both our body and soul became one.

***

Renewed list of things I know about the boy who would sleep with anyone

1.      I was 17 when I first saw him and now I’m 17 18 19. He has never missed a day of reading from when I was 17 until – yeah.

2.      He dropped out of high school because his dad kicked him out of the house.

3.      He’s always reaches the café before we do and leaves later than we do. He walks to the café.

4.      He never has any gadget on him – no laptop, no hand phone. Never checks it anyway.

5.      His name is Do Kyungsoo.

***

On some days I would think that he was getting better – his complexion would get better by leaps and bounds – but from one day to the next, everything would fall apart without a care in the world. Even then, I hoped that someone – anyone – would give us just a bit more time. I would take everything – two years, two months, two days, even two minutes. But it was almost like no one could hear us over the buzz of the hospital machines or the other kids lying in their beds.

I didn’t care about the other kids. I just needed Kyungsoo and all of him. I needed everything – every fiber, every touch, every kiss I could ever get from him in a life time and the next. It was selfish of me, to think about it now, but all I wanted was for everyone to stop praying for once – even just one second – so my prayers for the person I loved could get through to whoever was listening.

I had already spent 9 months with him and it felt like absolute hell having to watch him be in so much pain. I couldn’t imagine what it was like for him to go through all the injections and puking and sleepless nights alone.

I tried so hard to make up for the time we lost. There was never one day I wasn’t by his side or at any of his checkups. But for every night I spooned him in the cramped hospital bed, soothing him through his nightmares and breakdowns, the more I felt like what ever time we had left would never ever ever be enough.  

***

The day Kyungsoo told me he wanted to die was the only time I had ever shouted at him but everything was made up for with teary make out sessions.

Two nights later, Do Kyungsoo, the only man I had ever loved left me alone in this vast world that suddenly seemed so much bigger than before.