Fanfiction: Just a Human

Author: meeghan94

title | five out of five

The title is short and to the point; it directly lets readers know that it's of the supernatural genre. After just reading the foreword, I could tell how it's related to the story, seeing as how it was written out.

appearance | seven out of ten

I like how you included a picture of Onew as a vampire in the poster, sort of to get the readers more into the story. However, the story is mostly about Minjeong, is it not? I think it would've been fitting to have a picture of a girl in there also. Using just that picture for the background is sort of distracting from the actual story. I suggest getting an actual background. The picture is already used in the poster so it is not really necessary to use it as the background.

description & foreword | eight out of ten

In the description, I don't really like how there are symbols added in, as there are also in the characters section. The bolding, underling, and coloring is also distracting from the text. If you want to put emphasis on a specific word, italicize it.

The text alignment is all over the place; I suggest you keep it all centered so that it is more visually appealing, rather than looking all-over-the-place. The excerpt from the story in the foreword does not need to be centered. It was not centered in the story; so therefore, it shouldn't be centered in the foreword either. Again, if you want to make a certain word stand out to the reader, use italicization, not capitalization and bolding. Otherwise, the actual information given is decent.

plot | thirteen out of fifteen

Honestly, the basic plot, to me, is that Onew needs blood, always with Minjeong somewhere nearby. The thing about the plot that makes me wonder is why Minjeong runs away to live with Onew so easily. Is she really that easy to convice? Also, would Minjeong really grow comfortable around people that she knew to be vampires, much less actually believe them when they first tell her? Other than that, the plot was great; it was constantly moving, never stopping to give out useless information.

characterization | six out of fifteen

First off, the way you portrayed Minjeong was a bit mediocre. Her character was too naive and gullibe to be real; although this is fanfiction, there should still be some element of realism in there. To be honest, you weren't very creative with this character. The girl just seems to accept everything that's thrown at her. If you limit the character's abilities, meaning that maybe she won't go with the flow and whatever she faces, you will be creating future problems. Difficulties are not always bad though. They allow the character to, in a way, push the envelope, and grow as a person, therefore making them a dynamic character.

Key's character, however, is slightly more realistic; readers can tell that he is having an internal conflict while the other characters. Onew and Minjeong aren't really going through the same thing. In your author's note at the end of Chapter 33, it explains too much of the story. If your story was well-written, your readers would know exactly what was going on without you having to clarify for them.

I can see that you've created a sort of good vs. evil conflict in this story. You can write a perfectly good story with this idea; however, you need to create incentives for those characters. Why are they the bad guys? did they choose to become the bad guys? I know that these questions are somewhat answered by you saying that these events repeated over and over again as the characters are, in a sense, reincarnated. There is always a beginning and an end though. Where is the beginning to this story? When did these events first take place? What actions triggered these events to fall, one after another, like dominoes life after life? Character development, with dynamic adn static characters, is key to a well-written and enjoyable story.

story flow | six out of ten

The flow, plot-wise, was pretty consistent, with no filler chapters. However, as stated in the characterization section, there is no character development. If you had a better grasp of character development, then your sense of flow would be great. On the other hand, sometimes it felt like you didn't want to waste time to write something that let the reader know information without directly telling them. Many times, I felt like you just plain out told the reader what vampires were like or what happened in their past life. I couldn't really imagine somebody actually talking about themselves like that.

writing-- spelling, grammar, & punctuation | sixteen out of twenty-five

I didn't list this below with the other examples because I can't reword it for you. Subjugate is actually a verb and not a noun. You used that word multiple times incorrectly.

"He said he couldn't give Jinki as much as last time, and that Jinki might need to reconsider finding a subjugate. Jinki grimaced and shoved his phoe back into his pocket angrily. He refused to do that. He knew it was probably a good idea. Powerful vampires were known by their herem of subjugates, but Jinki had never had one (in his life), and he didn't want one."

Incorrect: Minjeong bit her lip. She didn't want Jinki to starve, and she knew that he still had a few bags of blood left (she had checked when he wasn't looking). "You... can eat, if you want to."
Correct: Minjeong bit her lip. She didn't want Jinki to starve, and she knew that he still had a few bags of blood left (she had checked when he wasn't looking). "You can eat, if you want to."

Incorrect: Key's massages were like HEAVEN.
Correct: Key's massages were like heaven.

Incorrect: "I'm going to get the ice-cream. BRB~,"
Correct: "I'm going to get the ice-cream. Be right back." or "I'm going to get the ice cream. B-R-B."

Incorrect: After the incident had given her that scar, MInjeong had learned self defense, though sometimes it was hard to use.
Correct: After the incident that had given her that scar, Minjeong had learned slef-defense, though sometimes it was hard to use.

In the first example, there is no need for the ellipsis. Also, you shouldn't use all caps in your writing at all. Another thing you want to watch out for is using text talk in your work. If you meant that she actually said those individual letters, then you should space them out, as I did above.

Using symbols in your writing makes your work look unprofessional. If you want to put emphasis on a word, use italics. As for the last examples, self-defense is hyphenated, not two words. I also feel like you use the phrase, "the incident had given her that scare," too often. Maybe you could elaborate more on the accident. Another thing is that ellipses are only three dots. no more, no less.

curiosity of reading more | four out of five

I normally do not read vampire stories. At first glance, this looked like a regular, cliched story about vampires, despite your number of subscribers. After reading a couple of chapters though, I found it captivated me.

originality | three out of five

Although the basics of this story were rather cliche, the rest of it was quite original. Usually, vampires have some sort of power, immortality, and a craving for blood. However unique this was, I still feel that you could've let information run through subtly, instead of directly telling them. If yo ujust say it in the story, it sort of ruins the mood.

general comments:

This was a well written story. If yo uworked on your characterization and not directly telling your reader things, this would be an even better story. Don't be discouraged by your score and keep writing.

-supershineeftw

Total score | 68/100 | 68% D