“Well, now

If little by little you stop loving me

I shall stop loving you

Little by little

If suddenly you forget me

Do not look for me

For I shall already have forgotten you

 

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life

And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots

Remember

That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms

And my roots will set off to seek another land”

-Pablo Neruda

 

§§§

 

Christmas day literally began with a bang as Sehun fell down the stairs. He'd woken up, vision blurred from sleep and limbs still heavy from lack of. Damn exams. At first, the only thing that crossed his mind was waking the rest of his dorm mates up so they could open presents, then he decided that food came before any celebration so he started his descent down the stairs. This turned out to be a 'not so good' idea since Sehun really had no sense of balance when he was tired. Almost immediately he lost his footing and tumbled down, failing miserably to regain his balance on the railing and ended up in a tangled heap at the bottom. Thankfully, no one was around to see him so he managed to console himself with that. Sehun stood and brushed himself down, glancing around fervently. When he was sure that absolutely no one was around he finally made his way to the lounge room, being extra careful not to fall again. Yet that was the slightest of difficulties compared to the sight before him. A gargantuan Christmas tree was sitting there by the TV, surrounded by a sea of presents and tinsel. It was virtually impossible to access the lounge room with that thing there! Sehun suspected the size of the tree had something to do with a certain Baekhyun and Chanyeol. He really marvelled at their stupidity. How on earth was he supposed to move around in that jungle of colourful paper and Christmas cheer?

 

Sehun rubbed his temples. They didn't have room for all this! Because 1) the lounge room was tiny. 2) the lounge room was tiny and 3) the lounge room was freakin' tiny! He waded through (literally, waded through) and stopped in the centre of the mess. He didn't have time for this.

 

“Sehunnie!”

 

Sehun was tackled to the ground by an over excited Baekhyun and Luhan before he could stop them. He gasped for breath and pushed some of the presents away in order to give himself room. What little air he had left in him was expelled by the fierce hug he received.

 

“Merry Christmas!” Luhan beamed. He had reindeer horns poking out of his messy brown hair and a red and green sweater on over a T-shirt that he’d gotten for his birthday.

 

Baekhyun was trying to fit a red nose onto Sehun. Sometimes they could be really childish and it annoyed him to no end. But the fact remained that these were his hyungs so he had to restrain himself from biting their heads off.

 

Sehun pushed the two elders off of him and stood, making sure he made a few metres of distance between them. “Yeah. Merry Christmas. So, why are you two up so early? Especially you, Luhan. You never get up early. It’s like, against the laws of the universe for you to become an early-riser.”

 

“D.O's gone out just now to go buy food for breakfast,” Baekhyun explained excitedly. “He said we should see what that loud thump was about. Chanyeol and the others are still sleeping.”

 

Sehun laughed nervously. “Must've been a car hitting a pot-hole or something.” He mentally punched himself for being so clumsy. It just had to be loud enough for everyone to hear. He was going to get laughed at during breakfast. “Now could you get offa me?” Sehun shoved Luhan harshly, but the reindeer managed to maintain balance.

 

Finally, Luhan managed to stick the Rudolf nose onto Sehun and then fell backwards. Only, he was sniggering as he rolled around on the floor. “Wow ‘Hunnie! You look ridiculous!”

 

Sehun scowled. “Gee thanks.” He sniffed and returned his attention to Baekhyun who was trying his hardest not to laugh either. “So, D.O went alone. To the shops. On Christmas. He never does that. Like Lu never wakes up on time.”

 

Luhan nodded slowly and uncertainly. “Well, he said he wanted breakfast to be a surprise,” he reasoned.

 

There was a pause. It might've passed as an awkward pause where both parties were wondering what to say next but it was long enough for Sehun to wonder...

 

“That's not the whole story is it?” Sehun asked suspiciously.

 

There was another pause. Definitely fishy.

 

The tension suddenly formed between the two made Baekhyun shift uncomfortably. “As we said. D.O wants to bake something special. Only Yixing knows what he's planning to make though. Apparently cooks never reveal their secrets.”

 

Sehun eyed his friends with an intensifying gaze. He scratched his dyed blonde hair and raised an eyebrow. There had to be something else to this. There was something missing. Sehun mentally slapped himself. He felt like he should know. Maybe D.O knew. Sehun would have to ask him when he came back.

 

“Sehun, you seen Baekky anywhere?” A very sleep-deprived looking Chanyeol came plodding into view. Sehun envied the way he so easily put one foot infront of the other like he could actually walk down the stairs. “Nice nose by the way. The Rudolf-look really suits you.”

 

A head popped out of the ocean of present and Sehun yelped. Baekhyun looked concerned as he pulled Luhan up next to him.

 

“How did you get there?!” Sehun frowned.

 

Ignoring him, Chanyeol continued, “do you have my laptop? I can’t find it anywhere.”

 

Baekhyun smiled at Luhan. “You don’t happen to have it Lulu?”

 

Luhan’s face reddened. “No! I mean, I haven’t had it since I w-watched…well you know…the movie.”

 

“Sehun, how about you?” Chanyeol rubbed his eyes. His curly hair was incredibly unorganised that morning, forming a puff of brown hair around his face.

 

Sehun racked his mind. If anything he’d probably used it for studying for the mid-term exams. “Maybe. I’ll go check.” With determination, Sehun started on his perilous journey back up the stairs. His hand began turning a weird shade of white as he gripped the railing. And only when he reached the top did he breathe out. Signs of life were beginning to stir amongst the clutter of boxes and books in the hallway. Lights had appeared under doors. Sehun found his room and pushed it open. He scanned over his unmade bed, dusty desk and wardrobe before his eyes settled on a silver laptop sitting under his bag that he usually took with him to uni.

 

“Morning,” Suho said as he wandered past. He had a Santa hat and beard tucked under his arm. “We’re going to try and get Kris to wear this.”

 

Everyone in the dorm had taken to calling Yifan, Kris. He was a Chinese exchange student from Canada and his actual English name was a Kevin, but no one thought of him as a Kevin so Kris just stuck. A cool city name suited a cool city guy.

 

“Good luck with that,” Sehun said.

 

Suho grinned evilly and shuffled off.

 

Sehun peered out into the hall and saw Suho had stopped to converse with Chen. He closed his door and…

 

§§§

 

 

BANG!

Sehun jumped a metre into the air. “What the-?! KAI!”

Kai patted Sehun’s back as tried to control his fit of laughing. “You should’ve seen your face. Not that I did, but just you're reaction! Oh man.”

Sehun hit Kai in the arm and hung his head to hide his blush. He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to go out. To go shopping.”

“Ah, late Christmas shopping are we? I might join you.” Kai disappeared for a moment and returned wearing a jacket and combat boots. “Borrowing these from Tao because he’s nice and I don’t have any warm footwear.”

“Right.” Sehun said. He would’ve offered to lend Kai some shoes if he’d asked. Sehun felt a bit put out.

“Are you feeling okay? You sound a bit flustered,” Kai pointed out.

“Really?” Sehun covered his face with his hands like he had a habit of doing. “I-I’m fine.”

“No wait- You're blushing aren't you?!” Kai exclaimed triumphantly. “Is this belated present shopping for someone special?” He shoved Sehun playfully.

“Wha-what?! No way. I’m just…what made you think that?” Sehun mumbled through his hands.

Kai reached up and ruffled his then black hair. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell Luhan.”

“Lu-Luhan?” Sehun buried his face further into his hands. This was getting unbearably embarrassing.

“Didn’t you-? Oh! Haha. I wasn’t supposed to tell you that,” Kai said. “Thankfully, you’re such a good friend and won’t tell him that I told you. Right? You won’t tell him right? Anyway, who is this special someone?”

“I don’t have a special someone!” Sehun said a bit too quickly.

“You lie!” Kai said accusingly. ”Now tell me. I promise I won’t get mad. Even if you have got a crappy taste in girls.”

“I didn’t…I don’t!” Sehun’s face was so hot that it felt like it might melt at any given moment.

“Oh come on. You’re the worst fibber in the whole world. Now talk.”

Sehun gulped.

 

§§§

 

 

“You alright?” D.O asked Sehun as he emptied his plastic bag onto the kitchen bench. The shorter still had his scarf wrapped around his face. He’d walked in with his face a faint shade of blue and nose red from the cold.

 

Sehun poked the carton of eggs that landed infront of him. “I think I’m depressed.”

 

“Or, it might just be that you don’t like looking like Rudolf.” D.O patted Sehun’s nose, who tore it off (the reindeer one).

 

“I swear Kyungsoo that I am depressed. See this face? It belongs to a depressed person,” Sehun banged his head against the bench top. “And I don’t even know the reason why!”

 

“Hmm…maybe, you’re going through your mid-life crisis,” D.O suggested while he sprayed some oil onto a fry-pan. “It’s been known to happen.”

 

Sehun leant back in his chair. “Are you saying I’m old?”

 

“No. I’m merely saying that some people live shorter lives than others. I knew someone who bought a sports car at around our age and died when they were like, forty something.” A soft sizzling sound filled the room as D.O poured some eggs onto the heated pan. “I, for one, don’t plan to die till I’ve completed my life’s dream.”

 

“And what might that be?”

 

“To take over the world with my fabulous cooking of course. What else?” D.O said very seriously.

 

Sehun chucked an apple at his friend’s head. It made contact with a satisfying thud. “I may be under-going psychological problems at the present but you, dear Soo, are crazy. We’re the uni’s local Mental asylum. Chanyeol can have schizophrenia with that creepy smile of his and Lay can have identity issues. Sometimes, in his sleep, I can hear him talking about rainbows and crap. And no matter what you say it won’t deter him from thinking he’s a unicorn.”

 

“Sounds like a plan,” D.O said. “Now scoot. I want breakfast to be a surprise.”

 

Sehun stood up and straightened his hoodie. “It's bacon and eggs isn't it?”

 

“No it isn't!” D.O lied miserably.

 

When Sehun reached the change in flooring that separated the kitchen and dining room he turned back. “That reminds me,” he began. “You went to the shops by yourself. You always go with someone. Why the sudden change?”

 

“What part of ‘surprise’ don’t you get?” D.O asked sharply, suddenly defensive. “Now get out, or I’ll dice you and add you as extra flavouring to the dish.”

 

Sehun backed up. “Okay. Okay. No more questions. Got it. You’re upset. But if you ask me, if pain happens, let it happen. I, personally, don’t have time for such trivial things…and that could be the reason I’m so aggravated!”

 

D.O banged some pots down menacingly and Sehun took that as his cue to leave.

 

§§§

 

“You should really leave poor D.O alone. You all year round.” Kai took a small sip of his hot chocolate before kicking Sehun’s leg under the table.

“You can talk,” Sehun said, returning the kick. “Playing pranks on poor innocent me.”

Kai smiled sadly. “So it doesn’t bother you?”

A flicker of worry crossed Sehun’s face. “Sorry?” Throughout the years Sehun had known Kai, he had never seen the maknae sad before.

“It doesn’t bother you that I like D.O?” Kai asked.

“Not at all. I don’t mind that you’re gay,” Sehun said. He fiddled nervously with the collar of his shirt. “In fact, let’s get it over done with, so am I.”

“You? Gay?” Kai’s eyes widened. “You’re one of the straightest people I know.”

It took a while for it to sink in till Sehun realised that Kai was making fun of him. “Shut up.”

Kai shrugged. “Don’t mention it. Friends’ purposes in the world are to embarrass other friends.” He leant forward and hugged Sehun. Kai wasn’t usually a touchy sort of person so it came as a surprise.

Sehun stopped and felt his heart-beat reach such a speed that his heart could’ve burst out of his chest and ran down to the nearest hospital to ask to be put back into his chest. “What’s the hug for?”

“It’s Christmas,” Kai said simply. “I think it’s nice to hug people on Christmas. And maybe on birthdays.”

Sehun’s palms grew sweaty. “Kai, I-”

 

§§§

 

 

“Thehun! Do you like your present?”

 

Sehun shook his head and glared at whoever just made fun of his slight lisp. He only ever did that when he was stressed. Or upset. Did that mean he’d been lisping? If he was depressed…that nagging feeling was driving him mad. What was he forgetting?

 

“Are you even listening to me?”

 

Sehun focused on Luhan who was still eating his bacon and holding out a wrapped parcel to him. “I haven’t opened it yet.” Sehun carefully ripped off the paper. Underneath was a box of chocolates in the shape of a reindeer. A letter was tucked under the lid, which he opened after he snacked on a few of the sweets, sharing them around.

 

 

Dear Sehun: it read.

 

Merry Christmas! I noted that you might be feeling a bit out of it today…

and I heard that chocolates have this magic healing property, so I thought

I might buy you some. Just don’t eat them all at once. You’ll get sick and

won’t feel so great, but moving on…what else to say?

Hmm…

I hope you realise that Kai was the one who told me about that small fact.

He’s smarter than he looks that Kai. Can you believe that he actually knew

the capital of South Korea? It’s a miracle. Anyway…

 

 

Something wet hit the paper and Sehun realised that he was crying.

Everyone had stopped eating and was staring at him.

 

 

He said some bubble tea might be better, but I got lazy and decided to buy

these instead.

“Tell him not to forget me,” I quote (from Kai).

So this present is from me and Kai. A shared present.

 

From,

Luhan

 

P.S. Do us both a favour and don’t listen to him. I know, it’s hard

for you but it’ll only make things worse.

 

 

Sehun flinched slightly as Yixing patted him on the back. There was a faint comforting touch in his action. Sehun pushed the ‘unicorn’ away from him. “Why did you give me this?” Sehun demanded angrily. He jumped away from the chocolates.

 

Luhan blinked. “I just thought…that…since it’s been a year since…”

 

Sehun wiped at his eyes furiously and ran out of the room, not caring about the fact that he seemed like a sulking child.

 

D.O put down his fork and knife. “Tell me, you wrote something in Sehun’s card didn’t you?”

 

“Well yeah, but he’d told me to tell you both so I just assumed that it’d be okay. Coming from him…” Luhan’s voice trailed off.

 

“Oh. You mean him,” Kris said knowingly. He pulled off his grey beard Suho had somehow managed to force him into. “I can’t believe you actually did that, Luhan. Better if you just let it rest. Now Sehun’s going to be in a bad mood for the rest of the day. No more festivities for us. Only dark clouds and rain.”

 

“What are you guys even talking about?” D.O asked.

 

“I’m not telling him!” Chanyeol said, closing his laptop, when everyone looked at him.

 

“Me either,” Baekhyun agreed.

 

“And don’t you dare look at me. I’m spending quality time with my Gucci over here,” Tao said, hugging his new bag to his chest.

 

“Look guys, it’s Christmas. Lighten up. It’s a time to start afresh. Don’t dwell on the past.” Yixing adjusted his unicorn horn on his head as he said his daily words of wisdom. “I'll do it.”

 

“So, does that mean you’ll tell him?” Luhan said hopefully.

 

Yixing sighed. “What all these wimps apparently have difficulty telling you was that Luhan hit a sore spot of Sehun.”

 

“Okay…” D.O nodded, not following.

 

“He talked about someone no longer in his life?”

 

“Still not getting it.”

 

“He mentioned Kai.”

 

 

§§§

 

“Why so glum?”

“I’m not.” Sehun cocked his head to the side.

Kai laughed. “I may not possess the ability to see but I can hear it. In your voice.”

“I’ve just been pondering.”

“Pondering? You never ponder.”

“I ponder! In fact, I ponder so much that I have learnt a lot over my twenty years on this earth. I am a treasure trove of knowledge.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes.”

“Then you can tell me...what I look like.”

“Pardon?”

“Describe myself to me as a present. Being blind kind of limits me to looking at myself in the mirror each morning. I mean, if I did I’d probably take barely any notice anyway but tell me.”

“I don’t really feel like I need to-”

Kai stared blankly at Sehun. “Am I that ugly?” he joked.

“Of course not!”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“You’ve got tanned skin…you’re fairly tall and have er, black hair. Well, when I say dark skin it depends on the lighting. At the moment, it’s not that tanned. Tao and you have the darkest skin though. You have a nice face overall. Personally, you’re fairly handsome, so I imagine D.O has a thing for you too,” Sehun said.

“So you think I’m good looking?”

“Maybe, not that I’m interested in you!”

“If I’m so hot then I wouldn’t have been bothered if you did,” Kai teased.

It had been common knowledge among the dorm mates that Sehun had a crush on Kai except for D.O and, evidently, Kai. You couldn’t really blame them since Kai had a disability that restricted his insight into things (literally) and D.O was very unsuspecting on matters such as that. It was completely off his radar. Even for all the time the three had known eachother Sehun had never revealed his crush on Kai, Kai had never revealed his crush on D.O. And D.O was happy just pottering away in his kitchen making cakes and what-not when he really should’ve been studying.

 

§§§

 

 

“I’m sorry,” Luhan whispered softly when he closed the bedroom door behind him.

 

Sehun gripped his desk tightly. When he looked at Luhan he didn’t see an apologetic hyung. Instead he saw a blind boy who he’d loved, which hurt so much more. He was seeing Kai everywhere. “He-he didn’t die. Kai never died. He just moved away because his parents couldn’t cope after the accident. They-they sent him home.”

 

“Sehunnie, I’m really really sorry. But don’t be so sad.” Luhan tapped Sehun’s shoulder.

 

Kai nudged his arm and squeezed his hand consolingly.

 

“C-can you leave me alone?” Sehun said. He sunk lower beneath the desk.

 

“I’ll go get you some ice cream. I’ll pay. Besides, I want to prove that I can be an independent person,” Kai said.

 

Luhan reached forward and put his reindeer horns onto Sehun. “Come on, 'Hun. Smile?”

 

Kai took a step forward. He let go of Sehun’s arm. Sehun knew that he should follow but he knew that Kai wanted to prove something here so he simply handed the tanned one his stick and let him wait at the lights.

 

“At least get out of my room?”

 

Sehun wished D.O was there to see it as Kai walked across the road towards the shop on his own. They had never let him do this before. And yet…

 

“I said. Can you get out?”

 

Luhan didn’t budge.

 

“KAI!” Sehun screamed as the car came zooming down the road, but…

 

“Are you deaf Luhan? I don’t want you in my room. Now get out!” Sehun shoved Luhan away.

 

“I already told you, I’m sorry,” Luhan scowled as he hit the floor.

 

“KAI!”

Sehun ran out onto the road and dragged Kai’s body to safety. When Sehun had caught his breath again he bent down and put his ear to Kai’s chest.

 

“It was my fault. My stupid fault,” Sehun said. He began hitting his head against his lamp.

 

“Being an idiot won’t help so stop that,” Luhan said. “Now.” He physically yanked Sehun backwards and grabbed his shoulders.

 

“Luhan! GET OFF OF ME!” Sehun growled.

 

“Not until I seemingly shake some sense into you,” Luhan said. He shook Sehun slightly and vigorously.

 

“Stop,” Sehun whined.

 

Luhan shook him again.

 

“STOP IT!”

 

Another shake. Particularly rough this time.

 

“Alright. Alright. I'll stop being an idiot,” Sehun grumbled.

 

“Good.”

 

There was a pause.

 

“Could you please let go of me now?”

 

Luhan released his grip and rummaged around in his jeans pockets as if searching for something. He squinted in concentration and pulled out another envelope. “Now that you're calm..er...you can probably read this.” He held it out.

 

Sehun took it and examined it before holding it back out. “It's from him isn't it?”

 

Luhan didn't reply, not taking the letter back. “You're not going to find out unless you read it right?”

 

Sehun glared. “Fine. If that's how you're gonna be...” Sehun ripped open the envelope and tossed it to the floor before unfolding the paper within. He sniffed and began to read.

 

 

 

 

Dear Sehun,

 

I got Kris to write this because he was the nearest person,

so sorry for the messy handwriting. I think Kris is glaring

at me as I tell him what to write so let me get straight to

the point. I realise that I am a total jerk. It wasn’t until I heard

you telling me my appearance the other day that I

realised just how selfish I really am. Though, this is probably

the worst Christmas present you have ever received

(I can just tell that Kris is nodding in agreement). Shut up

Kris! I swear, I could punch him at the moment. I know

you'll laugh at that. A blind man hitting a 'cool city guy'.

Anyway, I want to apologise to you for my jerkiness.

And don't act confused. You know what I'm talking about

but seriously, don't feel bad. If I wasn't so infatuated with

that damn D.O then I might just fall for you.

 

Yours sincerely,

Kai

 

P.S. Do me a favour and try not to forget me when I'm

gone, even though I don't deserve it. 

P.S.S hit Kris for me when you're done reading this.

He's pretending the throw up at the moment.

 

 

 

Sehun felt his heart stop beating. For that one second it stopped, it came to a stand still. And when he looked at Luhan he felt light-headed. This was the worst-best Christmas ever.  

 

 

Author's note: [CONTENTID5]I finally added a chapter. After many hours…It's 4000 or something words, seven pages…I need to go sleep now[/CONTENTID5]