The whole stage was filled with people going about their individual tasks. Cameras, lightings, and table props were scattered all around as from the background the song ‘Swing’ blared through the speakers continuously for several minutes. On the sides, Donghae and the rest of Super Junior-M sat on the floor, waiting to be called back for their turn. It was past 10PM and everyone was already feeling tired and sleepy after a whole day’s practice. To pass the time, they goofed around and played with one another, all except for Donghae who was just watching idly from his spot. He felt so exhausted that he just wanted to finish everything and go back to the hotel. When at last one of the staffs called them, he stood up along with his other members and they started their last session for the day.

‘Swing’ replayed once again and the group matched the song with their choreography. Tired as they all were, they still moved flawlessly and showed everyone their dancing prowess onstage. When the last beat of their second dance echoed through the whole arena, everyone clapped and complimented the boys. And then it was time to wrap up.

“Great job, everyone!” Called the director.

People bowed down to one another. “Thanks for the hard work!”

Everyone proceeded to the backstage. Eunhyuk spotted Donghae a few steps ahead and so ran up to him. Placing an arm around Donghae’s shoulder, he said, “Ya, we’re going to tour around the city tonight.”

“Tour?” Donghae chuckled. “What time do you think it is right now?”

“Come on, we don’t have much time left. We’ll go back to Seoul Tuesday night.” Eunhyuk continued to persuade him. “Hong Kong’s really beautiful at night with all those lights. We might not have this chance again while we’re here. Let’s just go, huh?”

“Hong Kong’s beautiful even when it’s daytime.” Donghae pointed out. Eunhyuk made a pouting face causing him to laugh. “Ya, alright. I’ll go with you guys.”

Eunhyuk grinned happily at his bestfriend before tapping him on the shoulder. “You know, this is also a helpful way to forget,” he said calmly.

Donghae stared at Eunhyuk, who only patted him once again then tried to catch up with the others, leaving Donghae to watch s’ retreating backs. He pulled down his cap to cover his eyes, and instead of heading to SJ’s room like he intended to, he made a detour for the restroom. Once inside, he leaned his arms on the sink and stared at his face in the mirror.

He guessed he wasn’t surprised at all to find how awfully exhausted he looked. His body was practically screaming for rest; his energy was no more and he felt so drained. But his physical status didn’t make him worry. For eight years he had been accustomed to that kind of life, and each year only made it worse. Super Junior was his life and ELF was his lifeline, so no matter how terrible it made him feel physically, he didn’t complain. He loved that part of his life. He really did. But it wasn’t that. What caught his attention was different this time. Every day he would feel something inside him, and later when he’d look at himself in the mirror, that something seemed to have manifested itself in his features. At first it was nothing, he thought to himself that it was just the strain from their busy schedule, that once he was able to acquire a full one-day vacation he would be able to relax and be back to his old self. He thought that way for weeks, months, or was it a few years? And even now when he looked back to a few years ago, somehow he felt oddly foreign to his old self. His band mates probably didn’t notice a change that much, but he knew. Donghae felt it. He was different. It’s strange how the things familiar to him now were the appearance on his face and the clouded feeling inside his heart.

He leaned back on the wall, threw his head up, and shut his eyes. Just a moment of uninterrupted relaxation. When he opened his eyes again, he fished his phone out of his jeans pocket. He pressed a few keys, then stopped when he arrived at the particular screen he wanted. His eyes roamed around the picture for a full minute, just looking, and possibly memorizing every single detail, which he didn’t need to since he already knew them by heart. In the midst of a million people in the crowd, only one face would emerge. Only one he’d recognize everywhere. He pressed another key. It was enough for him, he seemed to have gained back some of his energy somehow. Even if it was broken, a smile was already in place.

Delete ‘Yoona @ Gayo Daejun ‘11’?

Bracing his self and his slightly cold finger, he pressed ‘YES.’ The photo was deleted.

Donghae sighed and hung his head low, still holding the phone, he flipped it over and over again in his hands. How is she, was the question that automatically popped in his head. His brain had been exhausted finding answers for his usual question almost every single time. Some days when he had the time he would go online, poring over sites to catch up with the latest news on SNSD, just to be sure that she’s okay and not being sick. When he saw her looking happy and lively on their shows, relief would instantly flood him and by then his heart could be at ease. Still, it wasn’t enough. He wanted to be there, wherever she was. Those times that she wasn’t by his side, he would wear himself out worrying for her, especially since the girls were having all those concert tours. Even with his own busy days he would wonder if she was healthy, if she was happy… He wanted to witness her smile, not with him being separated from her by screens, but he wanted to see her smile for him. It hurt how the one person he so much wanted to be closest to his heart was the one who had to be the farthest from it…

He checked his watch for the time, eleven minutes had passed since he entered the restroom. The guys were probably waiting for him so they can go on their tour of Hong Kong City. If his situation were a little different, he would have eagerly anticipated roaming the streets of Hong Kong on this late hour. Eunhyuk said that it would help him take his mind off of Yoona even for just a little while. And indeed, Donghae agreed, it might be a breath of fresh air to have other things occupy his mind. Only, he also wished to share that night with Yoona. Every experience he encountered in life, whether good or bad, he wanted to tell her about it, and if he were to indulge himself in something really wonderful, he wished for her to be there and experience it with him. To others it was probably just lovesick, but for Donghae it went along the deeper line of wanting to share his life with the one he loved, for only then can he experience all things at their fullest. In response to what Eunhyuk said, no, he didn’t think he could forget. On the contrary, he’ll miss her even more.

He sighed again, now being emotionally worn out as well. He had his drama for the day, it was time to move on. And to be continued tomorrow, he thought bitterly with a slight jerk of the head. When he finally composed himself, he moved to stand in front of the mirror. Using his fingers, he brushed his hair to the side, flattening it so that it wouldn’t stay up too much. He rearranged his features so that his smile was perfect, and after making sure his clothes were unruffled, he grinned at himself in the mirror for good measure. Feeling satisfied, he took his phone, made a peace sign, and pressed a key.

FLASH.

He logged in to his Instagram account, typed in the caption, and finally uploaded the photo. Once done, he pocketed his phone, smiling lightly as he did so. At least he could do something for his fans, and if he’s able to make them happy in any way, it was enough for him. Slowly, he felt the heavy feeling from earlier coming back, as if it was tugging at his insides and requesting for attention. And sure enough, when he looked up in the mirror, his slight smile seemed vague compared to the overriding expression he was seeing there. It was like seeing his emotions come into being and plaster itself all over his body so that his physical self would mirror exactly everything that he was feeling. In all honesty to himself, he didn’t bother much seeing that kind of look on his face. He guessed he just got used to feeling that way everyday even though on the surface he was happy. Since a long way back he had not been an entirely happy person. Loneliness had become his company, and when this feeling of loneliness got worse over time he just thought it as growing up with a friend. What bothered him is the thought that someday, the feeling of being used to would slowly fade away, and he’d be left anxious and wondering if he’d be spending the rest of his life feeling lonely…

As if there were clouds surrounding his heart, he was starting to feel like they’re preventing him from truly feeling anything, except for the pains that were already there. And true enough, his expression remained blank even with the smile, and his eyes looked glassy and searching… completely empty, as his reflection stared back at him from the mirror. He thought of his post a while ago, it was tired, but still happy.

He hoped people didn’t notice.

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I finished most of a single chapter in one day XD That’s a first nowadays, lately I write a oneshot fic for 2 months, and it’s still not yet done. Lol. Anyway, I hope it isn’t too wordy, ooc, or dramatic. The photo I included regarding his Insta update doesn’t match any of his actual Insta posts, but I wrote this one before searching through his account, and it’ll be a pain to change things here after I finished it (I’m just lazy.. heheh), so just think that the pic actually matches ^^

Thank you for reading!

I just want to share. I came to write this chapter when I came across this one two days ago while searching for Donghae’s pics… (I think this was from a year ago)

When I saw this, I was like, “Oh my gahd..” *heartbroken* I actually tear up. Before this, I was already thinking the same way about Donghae, based from what I’ve seen so far (I’m a new Donghae bias so I don’t know much yet). To confirm from another that I’m not alone in this note, it actually hurt. I hurt for him. And to think the person who posted this had actually thought that DH seemed bored with life, as if he didn’t have any more reasons to be happy, hit me really hard. I was just thinking that he was probably sad or really lonely, but not to that extent. I don’t want to play psychic and get ahead of what his real emotions are. For all I know, I’m just being too imaginative. I don’t judge Donghae, none of us know how he really feels.  Each of us perceives him in the way we see him, that’s just it. The way I see it, Donghae’s just transparent when it comes to his emotions, that’s why when I see his expressions on some of their performances, I just conclude that he might be feeling lonely -> and there goes the Donghae in my fic.

Of course, as what was mentioned, my views are purely hypothetical. Anyway, this pic was posted on Tumblr a year ago I think, so I just hope that if this is true somehow, it’d be all in the past now. I wish I’m wrong about Donghae. I wish wherever he is right now, no matter if now or in the future, he’ll be happy.

It’s really hard to like someone. All of my biases turn out to be guys who I want to protect with everything I’ve got.

I’m so dramatic. I’m getting shy XD

On a happier note… I wish LEADER LEETEUK-SSI a BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Can’t wait for his comeback! I’m full of anticipation for 7jib! And SS6.. jebal!!! ><

Credits to the owners of the photos. Thanks to everyone who commented, subscribed, and upvoted!! 'Til next chap, guys!! <3