where are you? 



the tinkling sound of laughter resonated in the air. they are in the busy streets of seoul. colorful flashes of lights – blinding, but not ever quite – gets caught in between reflections and the constant buzz of people around. conversations are held loud and overheard; blurred snippets of a certain stranger’s life or information pass through the ears. they hear, but never listen.



jongin catches the vague figure of someone enveloping someone in a tight hug from the corner of his eyes and wonders what it is like to be embraced, enveloped in someone else’s warmth again. It’s been long, and he curls his fingers tighter around the other male’s, hoping to squeeze out whatever sort of warmth he has left to offer.



a hushed whisper (or rather, a small cry thinly-veiled with desperation) – softer than rustle of the trees and drowned out by constant drones and the distracting, unmoving mannequins donning pretty dresses and handsome suits by the shop windows – was left unheard.



“where are you?”



the fingers that were intertwined with his are cold. the grip is slack, dead almost. and he turns to stare at the shorter male longingly, sighing and interlocking their fingers ever so tightly.



it was as if kyungsoo would simply float away if he doesn’t hold him close enough.



hyung, where did you go without me? i miss you.





~






don’t you remember?



jongin puts on his brightest smile – crinkled eyes and pearly white teeth matching the alabaster white long sleeved shirt he is dressed in. The pants he had picked out from his messy closet flatters his long legs. it felt like ages since they have been worn and frankly he was doubting whether they would even fit.



walking out of the room with a tie in hand, he hopes kyungsoo would notice the little effort he had put in. he hopes kyungsoo still remembers.



kyungsoo looks up, acknowledging his presence with an empty smile, and jongin does his best to ignore his lurching heart. It’s been long, and his facial muscles suddenly feel sore from grinning too much, because how much he yearns for gummy smiles cannot be simply measured with days or time anymore.



smile, i miss the way you plump lips turns into heart shape when they reveal gums and straight teeth, i miss you.



jongin wants to say. but his words rolls into lumps and gets stuck up his throat when kyungsoo takes the tie from his hand and winds them around his neck. windsor knot, he remembers kyungsoo once telling him, he never got the steps right.



when kyungsoo tightens them perfectly, jongin thinks he hears a soft complain. something along the lines of - you really should know how to tie a tie at this age. the soreness of his facial muscles disappears into the thin air instantly, jongin lights up like fireflies in the night sky. a soft glow could almost be seen radiating off his face. you still care after all.



that was until kyungsoo gives a noncommital comment, “it's a nice shirt to go with the tie.”



one would be amazed at how much impact the words from kyungsoo would have on jongin. they engrave themselves deep into his mind - you forgot after all - and suddenly he seems to be the only one with a naïve smile in the darkness. the shimmer of hope seems to pale, become a shade dimmer.



so the soft complain was just a thought after all, a faded memory.



jongin forces himself to keep his smile from fading. at least kyungsoo had complimented, noticed.



don’t you remember? those were your first gift to me.





~






sorry



the black leather wallet drops onto the ground with a small thud and it falls opens and a wallet sized sticker photo comes into view. it makes kyungsoo bite his lips and furrow his brows.



their faces were barely centimeters from each other each other. kyungsoo has his chin resting on jongin’s broad shoulders; he could see the look of absolute adoration in the younger male’s eyes. he still can.



but that wasn’t only what made the little pieces of his heart fall apart. it was also the kyungsoo in the picture, smiling so blissfully with edges of his lips upturned and eyes in half-moons. he wonders if he could smile like this again, and he tries. forcing his lips to curl and squinting his eyes, he looks in the compact mirror and compares himself with the picture.



kyungsoo doesn’t see any similarities because who was he kidding? it can never be the same, will not ever.



all he sees in the reflection was a pathetic image of a person who he doesn’t recognize as himself – trying to smile against the wishes of his down turning facial muscles. his mouth twitched and he almost lets out a humorless chuckle when he drops the wallet once again. except that he doesn’t find the energy to even dry laugh anymore.



“kyungsoo?”



jongin awakes from his slumber with a gravelled murmur heavily laced with sleep. kyungsoo doesn’t reply to him, only rushes to the sofa and plops himself down on his side, pretending to be asleep.



he imagines jongin walking over to the wallet with his weary but ever so naive smile. he would probably pick the wallet up and thumb over their faces in the photos, that fool, reminiscing as much as it hurts.



when kyungsoo hears jongin’s footsteps nearing him, the unmistakable beat which his heart skipped and the childlike aura jongin has around him (always b with hope), he buries his face in his own arms, turning away from the said person, the memories he carries. he claps his hands over his mouth to muffle and force down the cries that was threatening to spill out, he closes his eyes so that jongin won’t see his tear-rimmed eyes.



kyungsoo feels the sofa dip, arms snake around his waist. a lone tear trails down his pale face.



sorry, for all the wounds i inflicted on you.





~






i’ll be better



jongin wakes up to clinking keys inserted into keyholes and squeaking wheels of suitcases getting dragged across the marble floor. kyungsoo. he instantly shoots awake and prepares to scramble out of bed, hair in a mess and tangled between bedsheets, before he hears the clicking of locks and shutting of doors with a gentle bam.



kyungsoo never slams the door, jongin takes a trip down his memory lane and recalls, abruptly at the soft shut. ever.



but what’s the point of reminiscing now? it's finally all gone. (but there still seems to be this heavy load weighing him down. it shouldn't be like that)



kyungsoo’s gone and probably never coming back like the way he never slams doors. ever. it really hurts. like a thousand tiny needles just pierced into his heart and punctured it all at once with a muffled pop.



jongin know that the day where kyungsoo leaves would come, but no matter how much he had prepared for the heartbreak, it never ceased to hurt, especially when kyungsoo didn’t even leave a goodbye. he curls up under the blanket and squeezes his eyes shut.



was he that bad of a boyfriend? didn’t the little gestures and kisses show enough? all jongin wants is for kyungsoo to be back.



a hand to his chest and he could still feel the uneven lub dub of his heart pumping painfully against his ribcage. jongin remembers the remnants of tears wispy over kyungsoo’s eyelashes some time before, and he wounds up tighter than ever. if only kyungsoo could tell him. whatever’s wrong?



“i’ll call out for you again, hyung” jongin chokes out a promise to kyungsoo, even though the other male isn’t going to hear it. “i’ll call you again.” a softer murmur, hands the metal ring around his finger. don't worry.



jongin misses the smaller male’s soft brown orbs. he misses the nose nuzzling against his neck. he misses the heart-shaped smile formed by pink luscious lips that he could kiss all day, all night long.



i’ll be better, so you won’t cry





~






i try to.



jongin sits at the empty table, food hot and steamy right in front of him. it probably smells heavenly, considering the amount of effort he had put in. it looks great too. but jongin’s senses are numb, numbed by the wallowing feeling of loss in his heart. he wonders if kyungsoo will like it.



he tries to imagine kyungsoo sitting opposite him, poking his food as usual with his lips forming a cute pout. “is it too spicy?” kyungsoo would ask, feeding jongin a spoonful of spicy rice cakes as if jongin is a guinea pig. not that jongin ever minded of course, he would never mind.



“nope, it’s perfect.” jongin would answer with a blissful smile, the leftover bits of the sauces off the corner of his lips and giving kyungsoo a smack of his lips.



but when jongin closes his mouth, there is the painful clamping of teeth against teeth and he realizes that kyungsoo isn’t here to feed him spicy rice cakes anymore with a wince.



the food goes cold and untouched. jongin couldn’t bring himself to even lift the chopsticks. his stomach growls in protest and he could almost imagine the stomach acid digesting the walls of his stomach.

jongin’s appetite was long gone, without kisses in between and the taste of the mixture of food in hyung!'s mouth. even opening his mouth seems like a chore now as he places the food into the fridge. he wonders if kyungsoo would like those.



jongin finds himself plopped on the sofa after he was done with dinner. or rather, his nostalgia for kyungsoo over dinner.



the love seat they had bought became colder than he had last remembered as he sat alone. though oversized and more than comfortable for one person, Jongin dislikes the emptiness. he’d rather be squeezing with kyungsoo and sharing body heat.



the screen turns flashes, and a familiar penguin in bright blue and ridiculous yellow hat appears. beady little eyes behind rude orange glasses, he wonders how could kyungsoo ever like such a creature.



"but it’s so cute!" kyungsoo’s gushing over that character plays in his mind. jongin remembers the faithful day when kyungsoo chose a pororo stuff toy over him. jongin remembers bashing the stupid blue penguin and burning the stupid porong porong forest over and over in his mind.



it would have been fine for him to say that he regretted bringing kyungsoo to the pororo themed park if he hadn’t earned a shy peck on his cheeks at the end of the day. besides, that was the happiest jongin had ever seen of kyungsoo.



he turns the volume up by a notch, hoping to shut out the deafening silence and perhaps convince himself that he is not alone. as a matter of fact though, he really is not alone. accompanied by thoughts too loud for himself, he reaches for the pororo stuffed toy next to the couch and cuddles it, hoping to catch whatever wisp of kyungsoo there is left. he didn’t even take his favorite soft toy with him. a dejected thought crosses his mind and try as he might to kick it away; it clings onto his legs and refuses to be rid of. what if kyungsoo doesn't want to be reminded of him at all?



jongin falls asleep to the happy ending song of the movie with fingers clutching onto the blue penguin tight and shivering. it would be nice if kyungsoo replaces the penguin in his arms the next day, he thinks as sleep tucks him in with little kisses of hope.



but you’re not here. i miss you.












-end-


a/n:

- inspired by b1a4's lonely which i am very very addicted to and in love with

- no kyungsoo doesn't have any sort of diseases related to memory

- hope this wasn't too bad?

- comments are rlly greatly appreciated < 3