I opened my post slumber eyes to see her shadow in the bathroom. A smile crossed my lips and I thought happy thoughts. It's been weeks since we've gotten this far and I still can't seem to grasp the idea of seeing this every morning without my heart skipping a beat. These are my happy days. I've finally been able to feel a sense of comfort, a sense of calm after the storm passing. Some may think of me as a monster but I was merely doing my job. I needed to protect those around me, those that I held dear to my heart but protection never comes tax free.

I pulled the covers over my shoulders and snuggled up under the sheets with my nose hidden at the crook my of pillow and duvet. Will I ever get used to this happiness? I don't remember the last time I've felt as light as a feather. I guess I have her to thank.

It all started in college. Her shining hair blinded my eyes. Her comfy yet stylish clothes intrigued me. How could someone look so stunning in just jeans and a flannel? One look at her and I knew I needed to befriend her. I needed to know who this person responsible for taking my breath away for the very first time.

After some failed attempts and skeptical glares, we became the best of friends. She told me that I understood her without needed to be told a single word but I couldn't tell her that I researched every nook and cranny of her life. It was uncontrollable. I was born to poke and pry. I was raised like this. It was part of my job.  It's dishonest but it had already been done.

Years passed. We graduated college, got jobs and then she confessed to me. She said that she couldn't live without me by her side. I was scared. I didn't think she'd understand who I was when she got attached. I wanted to tell her that this isn't what she wanted. She was just lonely and I was the first person she could think of. Though all that would have been a wasted effort . She was already in too deep with her head barely above water. I saw it in her eyes.

Then there was me and my own wants. I loved her since root one. I couldn't deny my wants when they were handed to me on a silver platter. Why ignore what's right in front of me? So I said yes. I accepted her with open arms and a steady heart.

That brings us here today. She as my secret wife. Yes. Secret wife. Koreans still don't accept same gender relationships and I couldn't just leave this country with her out of the blue. Believe me, I would if I could. That's what seems to control every single aspect of my life. Can I do this? Can I do that? I blame one thing and one thing only. I can't escape it. It's part of me just as much as my skin and bones. I've tried to jump out of the fire and each time I've been burned. So now I just accept it. I work around it and I'd like to say it's been panning out quite well, until I have to leave again.

I felt little shakes of my shoulder and I fluttered my eyes open. I turned towards the source and smiled radiantly. She smiled back at me just the same. I pulled her down on top of me and kissed her forehead. She seemed a little upset and I knew why.

"I haven't brushed my teeth yet, babe." I chuckled.

"Then go brush them now so you can kiss me." Her pout is still as cute as ever.

"Alright." I sat up. "Go make me some brunch and I'll be right down."

"You can make it yourself." She cocked an eyebrow.

"But I like your cooking!" I whined.

"Too bad. I'm lazy today."

"Make me some coffee then?"

"That, I can do." She kissed me on the cheek and left for the kitchen.

I want things to stay like this forever. No more leaving, no more fear, no more insanity. I don’t want her to weep tears every time I set foot out that door with the possibility I might never come back again. Doors. There’s this uncanny thing about them. To others they are the bridges to new opportunities, a sense of privacy, or a wall of protection but to us, they are the pathway to uncertainty. I guess that’s why the only door that’s ever closed in our house is the front door.

I walked out of our room after freshening up and sat on the slightly broken into couch. Weeks of sitting isn’t enough to break the stiff leather. I smelt the coffee heading my way and smiled another time.

“One coffee for you.” She handed me her famous well known coffee.

“Thanks.” I held it gingerly.

“And one for me.” She sat next to me.

"Taengoo's coffees are the best!"

I took a sip and slung my free hand around her shoulders to pull her in closer. She scooted her hips right against mine and snuggled into me. One hand held her mug and the other fiddled with the hem of my shirt. I kissed the crown of her head and pressed the on button of the controller with my big toe. She looked up at me and I gave her a peck on her pouting lips.

"What do you want to do today?" I asked while watching the news.

"Watch movies like this." Her head rested on my shoulder.

I chuckled. She loves staying at home doesn't she? "But baby we did this yesterday."

"But I like it. It doesn't require me to move." And now her pout makes another grand entrance. I won't fall for it this time.

"Let's go out and have a nice lunch. Hmm?" I nudged her a bit. "We both don't feel like cooking."

She signed but I knew I was winning. "Okay."

"Great! Let's go get ready!" I chirped and jumped off the couch.

"Now!?"

"No, when were fifty." I rolled my eyes. "Yes now! Let's go! I'm hungry!"

I put her coffee down and grabbed her hands lifting her bum off the couch. I followed her into the room and dressed accordingly. When was the last time I got all dolled up for a lunch date? I decided that today would be the perfect time to give an answer to that question. I pulled out a nice summer dress I’ve been itching to wear ever since Taeyeon bought it for me. She came out with elegant simplicity once again. A checkered blue flannel with a nice loose white tank top accompanied with washed out Jean short shorts. It reminded me of the day we both met. I looked at myself and felt like I was a little over dressed.

“You look fine.” She brushed away my worries.

“Thanks.” I smiled.

“Let’s go shall we? I’m actually kinda hungry.” Her hand took mine and we headed out.

After we parked our car along the curb a few steps behind us, we decided to let our instincts choose our meal. Her right arm was over my shoulders and my left around her slim waist as we walked the busy streets of Seoul.

It's a relief that people see us as really close best friends instead of lovers. Maybe it's because of the innocence and charming beauty we both have. Who would think that these two stunningly beautiful girls would be gay?

I felt a tug on my arm as Taeyeon pointed at a nice pasta place. It was the smallest part of Italy in Seoul. I smile and nodded in agreement. I could use a nice fettuccini. Just as Taeyeon opened the door for me and stood on my left, I felt a hand slip in my right. I looked down and saw a note with a symbol I knew all too well. I looked back and cranked my neck left and right for any trace of a person walking away in haste. My eyes roamed the faces of every person passing by and I couldn't find anyone familiar.

"Babe?" I heard her voice call for me.

"Sunny bunny?" I couldn't tear my eyes away from the streets.

"Soonkyu..." I felt her hand on mine and another tenderly turning my face around.

"Sorry." I closed my eyes and sighed.

"Everything okay?" She had so much worry in her eyes.

"Mhm. I thought I saw an old friend." I lied. "I guess I was wrong."

She chuckled. "Alright. Ready to go in?"

"Oh hell yeah. I'm starving." I unconsciously rubbed my stomach.

"Then lets make that grumbling tummy of yours happy." She poked my stomach and smile so charmingly.

---

An intense sense of dread washed over me like an unexpected tsunami. The utter thought of returning to the battlefield spilt shutters throughout my veins. Is there a way out of this? Who am I kidding? If there was a way I would have taken it already. It has only been a month and a few days and now I have to go back for I don’t know how long. Taeyeon isn’t going to like this.

The waiter left after we took our orders and I excused myself for the restroom. I could do this routine in my sleep, slip out the note, take out my phone, punch in some codes and call specified number. I sighed a long breath as I leaned on the door waiting for the pick up.

“I see you received it well.” A husky voice on the other line filled my ear.

“When do I leave this time?” I asked dejectedly.

“Tomorrow night. 12:21 AM. Location for pick up will be provided later tonight.”

“Okay.”

The line went dead and I rubbed my temples. I’m sorry Taengoo. I feel nothing but guilt and regret towards you. I made a promise to tell you as soon as I find out but I wish I never did. I can’t bare to see your sad eyes once more. I walked out of the restroom and put a smile on my face as I sat down.

“Tae…”

“Hmm?” She looked up from her phone.  “What is it?”

“I have to leave again.” I said with my sorriest expression.

She looked at me but I couldn’t understand what was going through her mind. She had such a somber expression. It wasn’t full of sadness like it usually is. Her hand slowly went