“This is a nightmare,” Donghae shakes his head. The shop assistant looks at him with a sour face, but Donghae doesn’t notice.  “A real nightmare.”

It’s the third week in a row when Eunhyuk dominates covers of magazines.

EUNHYUK - NEW RISING STAR

DISCOVERY OF THE YEAR - read the interview on the life and career of Eunhyuk, page 13

WHO HE REALLY IS- Eunhyuk’s secret confessions

Donghae buys all three titles and hides them quickly in the bag.

***

His favorite brand now is Gucci; he has soft spot for it. So he reads on the page fourteenth, just below the oversized picture of Hyukjae. He’s wearing fancy clothes and perfect makeup. He looks straight at the camera, coldly and seductive at the same time. At least, that’s what Donghae would think, if not for the fact that he feels nauseous.

Hyukjae doesn’t differ Gucci from Doce&Gabbana and has a soft spot for strawberry milk. His face looks the most beautiful in the morning, just after waking up, when it’s brightened with a lazy smile, showing all gums.

But this isn’t Hyukjae. This is Eunhyuk.

“You're reading these stupid interviews again?” Heechul asks lazily, and even though they’re talking over the phone, Donghae quickly closes the newspaper.

“I like to stay updated,” he defends himself weakly. “We were friends after all, I want to know what he’s been up to.”

“This is bull, Donghae, it washes out your brain,” Heechul sighs.

“Nothing is wrong with my brain,” he assures, laughing a little.

“I'd beg to differ.” Heechul mutters. “But anyway, I'm calling to tell you that next weekend we have a meeting at the Westin Chosun. These big shots  from China want to negotiate with us and the boss decided to show off.”

“Westin Chosun, huh?” Donghae chuckles. “ That means he’s going to drown all our savings just to buy them a dinner?”

“Well, of course, the whole boss, right?”

“Cool,” Donghae says, but then he remembers. “Oh, Christ, I have to get my suit dry-cleaned.”

***

Westin Chosun is even more overwhelming than on the pictures. The richly decorated interior, crystal chandeliers and tablecloths that are made of more expensive material than Donghae’s dress shirt.

They seat at a table against the wall and talk business. The conversation goes smoothly, smoother at least than Donghae would expect. He is prepared, but he has almost nothing to say, except  reciting the data from the tables, because Heechul does all the smooth talking. The Chinese business men look happy. They nod and agree with almost everything. Donghae suspects it has something to do with the best salmon he has ever ate and wine that had been alive longer that he has.

When negotiations begin to come to an end, Donghae breathes quietly and looks around the room. On the input side comes a group of people that look like they were cut out from the latest fashion magazines. Three beautiful, tall girls and four men. All elegant, all perfect, all with unfading smiles plastered to their flawless faces.

“Isn’t it Eunhyuk?” asks the girl at their table, assistant secretary of the business men, who points to a table by the window.

“Who is Eunhyuk?” asks someone else.

Donghae looks up and notices Hyukjae heads toward that table. A tall black-haired man with strong arms and handsome face is holding his waist.  For a moment, they’re smiling at each other before they occupy the adjacent places.

“Celebrity,” Heechul snorts dismissively. “Nobody important.”

At dessert, negotiations ends and the subject descends on diplomatic and loose threads. Donghae excuses himself and goes to the bathroom. He wonders how many times the value of these tiles exceeds the value of his entire apartment.

“Hi,” says the voice from the door when Donghae washes his hands.

“Oh,” he responds when he realizes it’s Hyukjae.  “Hi.”

“What are you doing here?” Hyukjae asks, stepping closer.

“I’m washing my hands,” he  says, turning off the water and taking a paper towel.

Hyukjae chuckles softly.

“I didn’t expect to meet you in a place like this,” he says.

“Well, ever since I got out of diapers, I decided to find out where one should take care of  physical needs and it was the most appropriate place.”

Hyukjae smiles, this time more sincerely and goes silent for a moment.

“You look good, Donghae ...”

“Thank you,” he says, nodding. “My plastic surgeon will be delighted when I tell him that.”

He presses his lips together when he sees the seriousness in Hyukjae’s eyes.

“How are you?” asks the older boy. His face is sad. Donghae can see it even under layers of makeup and mask practiced nonchalance. His lips quiver slightly, the best sign that Hyukjae is upset.

“Okay,” Donghae shrugs, taking a few steps toward the exit. He can’t deal with it right now. “I have to go back to our guests. Hang in there, Hyukjae.”

***

“It's noon, why didn’t you get up yet? Have you been drinking again, Donghae? What's going on with you lately?” His mother voice is strong and drilling painful holes in his sleepy mind. “It’s not how I raised you, my boy. You have the day off, you should get out and get some fresh air. What happened to your dancing?”

“Mom,” Donghae mumbles and rubs his eyes. “I haven't been dancing for three years now.”

“That doesn’t mean you couldn’t start again. Why don’t you go out a bit more?”

“I do,” he defends himself as he goes into the kitchen and puts some water to make coffee.

“Oh, yes, you and this Heechul of yours, or whatever. I’m not talking about it, boy. It’s not healthy to have a habit of partying every weekend.”

“I’m not partying,” he says sincerely. “I just had a rough week and I decided to get some sleep.”

“Don’t complain. Not everyone has a good job as you do. Your father labored for thirty years in a factory to support us. You should be thankful that you carry such a comfortable life.”

“I know, Mom,” he says sheepishly, because it’s the only correct answer. “I promise I’ll do better.”

 When the conversation ends twenty minutes later, Donghae breathes a sigh of relief. He takes his half empty cup and goes to a balcony. Maybe his mother is right? Maybe he should go outside? He could start jogging; long time ago he loved  to exercise and had a lot of fun playing sports.

He knows that him watching foreign sports on television doesn’t count.

***

"It’s really quite nice,” he says honestly.

“Well, of course it is,” Sungmin laughs and pushes a bit harder, ahead of Donghae.

Donghae doesn’t mind. He is proud of himself, he didn’t gone roller skating for years after all, he would have every excuse to break his legs, or at least scratch his knees. But no, nothing like that happens. He goes straight and steady, his muscles cry a little from the aching, but it’s okay, because the sun is still high enough and Friday evening brought more people to the park and everything is loud and cheerful, and Donghae feels like a teenager.

“I feel like an idiot,” he says, but laughs loud at the same time, when Sungmin skillfully rides around him.

“You should get a dog and go by yourself. You'll look cool and modern that way,” he says. “Besides, with a dog you'll be more motivated. I may not always be free ..”

“Thank you anyways,” Donghae says, when they both ride side by side. “Lately, I have no desire to sit at home.”

“Something going on?” Sungmin asks, just for a second glancing at his face.

“No,” Donghae smiles gently. “I just miss human companionship.”

Donghae knows Sungmin long enough to know that he is able to guess. He wouldn’t have to ask, read everything between the lines, but Sungmin apparently wants to know more details.

“What happened to you and Hyukjae?” he asks directly. “I thought things between you two were good... We were sure that you’ll end up as a married couple.”

“Oh, well...” Donghae says, trying to find the right words. “It didn’t quite work out.”

“Why?” asks Sungmin and Donghae knows it’s a genuine curiosity.

“I don’t know,” he says honestly. “I was so sure that everything was great between us, but turns out he wasn’t on the same page and wanted to quit it. So I let him go.”

“Oh, it’s such a pity,” Sungmin says, a little sadness on his face. “I'm sorry, I always thought that he was so in love with you. Kyuhyun constantly complaining how he was always talking about you.. He was so happy when you finally got together.”

Donghae just nods, because suddenly his heart begins to break again and he can’t utter a word. He knows that Hyukjae really loved him. He knows, because Hyukjae was the one who approached  him, who came to him on a rainy afternoon and asked if he could have a sip of his water because he had to swallow a pill. Hyukjae was the one who asked for his phone number when Donghae then drove him home, pale and trembling, with a huge headache. It was Hyukjae who called first, who first proposed to go on a date, who questioned Donghae about his marital status. He was the one who wanted to call it a thing, who gave all the names like "couple" and "lovers" and "love" and "together". Donghae was the one who let himself be loved.

It isn’t until two hours later, when they sit in a cafe garden and eat cake, that dark clouds start to gather above their heads. Sungmin drives him home and gives him an umbrella, so he won’t get wet in the pouring rain. He kisses him goodbye on the cheek and waving cheerfully from his car when Donghae jumps over puddles. Umbrella in one hand, backpack in the other, and Donghae is smiling broadly, because his tights never felt lighter before. He can still feel  coconut cheesecake on his tongue and his face hot from the sun.

He jumps over the last puddle and is about to close the umbrella, when he notices someone standing at the gate. The figure has drooped shoulders and is shaking from the cold. Even though it's been almost two months, he would  recognize anywhere the typical shuffling foot in place while waiting for someone.

“Hyukjae?” he asks in astonishment. “What are you doing here?”

Hyukjae doesn’t answer. He just stares at him with wide eyes that seem now full of fear. Donghae throat tightens. The boy is wet, gray t-shirt sticks to his chest, his mouth twitching, his hands are all red.

“You'll get sick! Why are you standing in the pouring rain?” he asks frantically, pulling the keys out. “ Come quickly. You need to warm up!”

When they go upstairs, Hyukjae doesn’t say anything, and Donghae give himself time to understand.

Why is Hyukjae at his door? Why is he soaked and frozen, when it's in the middle of summer and the rain is warm? Why the hell is Hyukjae here?!

“Go to the bathroom,” he says as they enter and take off their shoes. “You’ll tell me later.”

Because he knows that there is something to tell. Maybe even a lot. It doesn’t escape his notice that Hyukjae lost weight and got gaunt, and the sadness on his face is one of those the long, depressing, painful facial expressions. Donghae’s skin crawls when he thinks what could have happened.

“You can use my clothes,” he shouts towards the bathroom door.  “I'll leave them for you on the bed. I’ll be waiting in the kitchen!”

He makes two cups of hot tea, briefly considering adding rum to his because he is not sure if he can cope with the presence of Hyukjae in his apartment in such mysterious circumstances.

“Hey,” whispers voice from the door and Donghae’s ex-boyfriend is there, staring at him uncertainly.

He has messy hair and red cheeks, which makes him look fragile and innocent. Donghae’s heart jumps – from sorrow or joy, he doesn’t know.

“Come to the living room,” he smiles at him.

They sit on the couch and Donghae gives him a cup of tea. Hyukjae brings his legs to his chest and plays with the cup, not looking at the other in the face.

“What is it, Hyukjae?” Donghae asks quietly, as the boy's face seems to be lost in deep thoughts.

“I do not know, Donghae,” he whispers with some difficulty. “I thought ... I thought that when we'd break up, things would start to get better. You know, just .. It's not that I stopped loving you or anything, just got caught with all these things, so many things going on my head, plus Heechul always telling me to do something about you and always telling me how unhappy you are because of me, and I thought that if we parted, things will start to heal faster, and that is would relieve both of us from more troubles.”

Donghae is silent. He understands what he's talking about, and even though he's never agreed with this, he understands his position. Not that he isn’t terribly sad because of it.

“But when we broke up .. When it really happened,” continues Hyukjae, breathing hard and swallowing. “I only realized how much I need you. Sure, at first I didn’t have time to think about it because I’ve just been running from recording to recording, from one session to another, and I’ve been going to sleep in the middle of the night, and getting up at dawn, and I even once fainted from exhaustion ... But after a while it occurred me how often I think about you, how strongly you were connected to my life, how often I want to call you and tell you a joke that I read or send you a song that I liked. And then it hit me that you were no longer in my life. You have no idea how much I was...”

“I have,” Donghae says for the first time. “I do get it.”

Hyukjae nods his head and for a moment stares into space.

“Anyway,  I thought I could handle it, because I was the one who left you, the one who started backing up from this relationship in the first place... But then I met you in that restaurant, in that filthy luxury hotel and I saw you, so beautiful and confident, surrounded by all these people, and I saw that ... you don’t need me anymore,” he says, and the tears run down his cheeks.

Donghae stays silent. He has no idea what to say, and his thoughts are rushing headlong, because although he understand the words coming out of Hyukjae’s mouth still has no idea what it all means.

“God, I'm sorry,” breathes Hyukjae. He hastily wipes tears from his cheeks and shakes his head. “ I shouldn’t have come here. You don’t need to hear it. It doesn’t make any sense. I have no right to ...”

“Why?” Donghae asks, stopping him before he would be able to withdraw from the moment of sincerity. “Why are you here?”

“Donghae, I'm ...” Hyukjae starts but then stops again, struggling with some thoughts and Donghae wants nothing as much than to pull them out of him. “I’m so terribly sorry…”

The rest, if there’s any, gets stuck in his throat when he begins to cry. Donghae is not sure what to do so he settles the cup from his hands, and  puts his arms around the man that still loves him, bringing him to his chest. Hyukjae curls firmly into him, hold his waist, and sobs even more loudly. Donghae storks his hair and kisses the side of his head, again and again, until Hyukjae falls asleep in his arms.

***

A strange tingling sensation on his face wakes him up. He opens his eyes to find Hyukjae stealing a kiss. The boy looks at him with fear, but Donghae just lazily stretches and smiles.

“Good morning, darling,” he says sweetly.  “Did you sleep well?”

“Yes,” Hyukjae smiles gently. “Never better.”

They lie for a while facing each other, looking into each other's eyes. Donghae reaches out and touches Hyukjae’s cheek.

“I can’t believe you're here,” he whispers.

Hyukjae smiles at him sadly and nods.

“I missed you,” he says again.

“I know,” whispers Hyukjae. “I'm sorry.”

Donghae doesn’t really want to hear it. He knows he should and probably should ask a million questions to make sure what it all means, but he’s too scared to know the truth.

“Shhh,” he whispers. “It’s alright. Stop apologizing. I'm glad you're here, even if it happened for some bizarre reasons. It was nice to sleep with you again.”

Hyukjae smiles and reaches out to hold his cheek. Donghae doesn’t think, only closes their faces and kisses those beautiful lips, which he so sorely missed.

The kiss is sweet and sad, filled with longing and apology, with a hint of impatience. Donghae wants nothing more than keep this moment forever.

“Oh,” escapes from  Hyukjae’s mouth as Donghae backs away.

Donghae smiles and peck his lips one last time before getting up.

“Come on,”  he says cheerfully. “I'll make a breakfast.”

He's putting eggs into a pan, when Hyukjae walks into the kitchen. He smiles at him, but the boy has a very strange expression on his face.

“What is it?” asks Donghae.

Hyukjae doesn’t say anything, only shows him the newspapers in his hand. The last four issues where Eunhyuk appeared.

“Oh,” Donghae laughs. “So you've discovered my secret. Yes, I am your crazy fan. Go ahead and laugh.”

Hyukjae sighs and sits down at the table. He hides his face in his hands, while Donghae finishes preparing a meal and puts in front of them with two cups of coffee.

“Eat before it gets cold,” Donghae says, ignoring the unnatural silence and tension. “You got so terribly skinny, I can’t look at it.”

Hyukjae hesitates and takes his cup. Drinking slowly and then sighing.

“Now, will you tell me what's going on, or you are going to stay miserable the whole day?” he asks, putting a bite of scrambled eggs into his mouth.  “I understand this is hard for you, I still need some verbal explanation.”

“I don’t know,” Hyukjae says softly. “I don’t know what to do, Donghae. Everything seems so ing confusing.”

“That is a part I know myself,” Donghae says with a gentle smile.

Hyukjae is silent for the rest of the breakfast and Donghae abandons attempts to find out anything else. He washes the dishes and allows Hyukjae to sink even further into his gloomy mood.

“I don’t…” Hyukjae begins when Donghae wipes his hands. “I don’t even know how you've been.. I didn’t even ask. I'm terrible person, right?

Donghae smiles warmly at him and walks over to his hair.

“You are not,” he says. “But you will be when you will get out of my apartment today and leave me again.”

Hyukjae opens his mouth and his eyes widen in surprise.

“Because that’s you’re going to do, right?” asks Donghae. “You came here because something happened, something hurt you, but you're not going to stay.”

“Donghae, I'm ...” Hyukjae says, in a panic looking for the right words. “I don’t want to make promises that I can’t keep. I want, I swear I want to fix things between us, but I don't know what awaits me there.”

“I know that,” Donghae nods. For some reason he doesn’t feel unhappy. “No need to hurry. Give yourself the time. You need it to figure everything out.”

“Are you really that nice?” Hyukjae asks after a short pause, with a slight smile on his face. “Are you really that perfect?”

“Of course I am,” Donghae smiles and leans down to kiss him on the lips. “You always knew that.”

***

“You're a moron…” Heechul says and sighs heavily. He is too old for this.

“I know,” Donghae says and smiles as if he just won the lottery.

“Seriously, you're a total idiot,” says Heechul seriously. “After all this you accept him with open arms? Just like that? You didn’t even make him beg on his knees?”

“Well .. Would it change anything?” Donghae shrugs and drinks the rest of his coffee.

“You realize that your relationship is even more ed up now, right?”

“Of course,” Donghae says in seriousness. “But you have to notice that my attempts to forget about him somehow did not produce the expected results.”

“Because you're a moron,” Heechul nods. “You should have just left it all and started to live a normal life, find someone who really will be able to love you, instead of being happy for some scraps thrown by this pseudo-star.”

“The problem is that, Heechul,” Donghae sighs heavily. “That I love this pseudo-star like crazy.”

***

“I know,” says Hyukjae, rolling his eyes. “I'm a moron. I went to Donghae and messed with his head, snatched him from the beautifully composing process of healing his broken heart. I’m holding him back and hurt him by doing so. I know that.”

“Good,” Heechul smiles. “ this up and I will chop your head off.”

***

“How is he?” asks Hyukjae, when he soaks in the tub, letting the hot water relaxes his muscles and tired body. Donghae is sitting behind him.

“Pretty good,” says Donghae, who reaches for the shampoo. He kisses Hyukjae’s shoulder and with a hand draws wet patterns on his chest. “He’s mad at you, mad at me – nothing new.”

Hyukjae chuckles and rests his head on Donghae’s shoulder.

“You need to invite him over, though,” Donghae says after a moment. “One decent party with those long-legged celebrities and you can probably convince him about anything.”

“You think?” Hyukjae asks slowly. After a moment, he smiles brightly. “I’ll let you plan everything; menu and all. Invite Sungmin and everybody. You can even play that weird music of yours.”

“It’s not weird!” Donghae complains, outraged.  “And besides, it’s not suitable for parties…”

“So choose something else,” Hyukjae shrugs. “Seriously, it doesn’t matter to me.”

“Why is that?” Donghae laughs. “Why I should plan it? It’s your party…”

“You know, since you’ll live here, it’s gonna be your party as well..” he says shrugging, but Donghae can hear strangling smile in his voice.

“Lee Hyukjae, are you asking me to live with you? If you're going to do it, do it properly.”

“Lee Donghae,” he says, turning around to face Donghae. “Will you…”

“Of course, I will live with you!” laughs Donghae and kisses his lips. “I just don’t know what’s up with that sudden decision.”

Hyukjae turns back and leans against his chest again. He sighs heavily and pulls Donghae’s arms to embrace him more tightly.

“It’s not sudden at all,” he murmurs when Donghae buries face in his neck. “I just don’t want to miss any more moments of our life together.”