“No recollection. I had no recollection of how I got here. Did it happen again?” I asked apprehensively. The past ten minutes were all I had since lunch, and dread tugged at my heart as I anticipated the reply. Dr Park eyed me cautiously as he nodded, watching my every motion and change of expression.

“Tell me all you recall.”

“I was in the cafeteria eating lunch with some people from the student council and as usual there are people following me around. I was leaving the cafeteria to go to the washroom. Then suddenly I see Kaeun outside that door and I'm walking into your office.”

“You are friends with Seo Kaeun, my patient?”

“Friends? I don't know if she sees me as a friend, but something like that.” I fiddled with the round container in my bag, not exactly sure of what to do with it. I could return it to her, but she would realised that I found out.

I opened the door to an apparently flustered girl as she quickly made her escape, averting my eyes as she scurried out to the lobby. She didn't hear the noise and didn't turn to realise that she had dropped something. The small bottle had made a cacaphonous clatter as it hit the ground. I picked it up, and pocketed it.

“She has depression, doesn't she?”

“Did she tell you?”

It was like the walls were closing on me, a current of panic that electrified my heart – I could die. A feeling confused me, the feeling of being so worried you could die. How many times had she cried herself to sleep, has she fought and struggled and argued and screamed at the voices and urges to do stupid things? For how long has she been alone?

“No, she didn't. I found out on my own.”

*          *          *

Black swirled in my head like shadows obscuring my vision. Pangs of jealousy entrenched themselves into my stomach like punches in a brutal barfight except this time, it was me I was fighting with. How annoying, just when I thought I have her, some saintly prince had to sweep her off her feet.

How unfair.

My eyes hungrily stalk her from the administrative office. She was drawing, and she looked beautiful drawing – focused, wise, serious eyes, hair tied up in a bun, strands of hair falling naturally on her forehead. Like ink tainting clear water, I could feel the darkness clouding my thoughts and affection for her.

I wanted her, and I wanted her to belong to me.

That saintly, self-righteous prince will lose, and she will belong to me. That mere innocent kid will regret ever playing around with what rightfully belongs to me. That 'gentleman' will show his true colours, as I will mine, and we will fight.

He will lose.

I strolled along the corridors, head held high with a slight smirk on my face, the one they all called 'scary'. The freshmen swarm parted for me, a metre radius of space just like how I ordained it to be. Their faces were pale, eyes wide, heads lowered in submission. Just like how there is nobody in this school I cannot conquer, there is no one who can rival me or even begin to challenge me.

He will lose.

I arrived at the concert hall, sharp eyes scrutinizing every detail.

*          *          *

Snowdrops scratched at the greyed windowpane, as I pulled the sheets up towards me. The thunderclouds circled in the sky, releasing torrents that lulled me to sleep. I was sprawled out on the bed, warmly covered in blankets, fiddling with a small container in one hand, and my cellphone in another. The pills in the bottle shifted as I turned the container around, making a discordant, rattling noise.

The lit cellphone screen was stuck on the contact page – her contact page. My thoughts struggled with the dilemma of texting her, my thoughts wandered to what she could be doing, and whether she was alone. What if she was sad, if she needed someone to be there for her?

As I fiddled with the container mindlessly, my fingers flew over the screen in an attempt to snatch the words out of the emptiness of my mind to construct a decent sentence.

Darkness and frost that came with the eleventh month made me wonder if she was warm enough, if she had hot chocolate and thick blankets, if her heater worked properly, if her bath water was hot. If she was safe and sound and comfortable. I lazily kicked away the shards of broken glass on the floor as I walked to the kitchen.

...This was stupid. I was stupid. But I was happy.

*          *          *

Layers of snow fluttered onto my umbrella as I breathed heat into the frigid air. The chilly winter wind stung my eyes as I trudged up the hill to her apartment. The doorbell barely rung before it swung open and she invited me in.

“You insisted on coming, I haven't cleaned anything up yet-”, she complained.

“It doesn't matter.”

I placed my bag on the table, and its contents spilled out as I ped it. Shelves of instant hot chocolate mixes scattered over the table as I scanned the messy studio apartment. Her laundry was piling up at a side and her bed was not made. Empty energy bar wrappers were cluttered near the trashbin.

“...I change my mind. Why is this place so messy?”

“I just haven't had time to clean it up-”

Rolling my sleeves up, I started sweeping the wrappers into a plastic bag.

“What are you doing?”

“Helping you clean your rubbish dump of a house-”

“I meant, what are you doing here?”

My body stiffened at her almost-hostile tone. I turned to face her, softly holding her piercing gaze. Such a fragile girl living by herself in such a cramped up apartment, and she expects me not to worry about her?

“I'm here to take care of you.”

“But why?”

I froze again at the question I didn't really have an answer for. Her voice, draped with curiosity, broke the deafening silence again, “Why are you taking care of me?”

“..Look, Kaeun. It's winter and I was about to sleep and it was cold outside and I thought of you, okay? I wondered if you had enough blankets and if you were warm enough. I wondered if you were safe. I came here to take care of myself rather than taking care of you, okay?”

“I didn't want to be alone, either.”, I whispered, my voice barely audible.

Her features softened and her lips curved into a small, shy smile.

“Thank you.”

That made me happy.

Author's Note:

I took really long to update this but I hope you guys like it! School started for me so I got a bit busy, but I'm hoping I can update every week! Thanks for subscribing <3