I never knew that this would happen. The cheating. The fighting. The constant bickering between us. I never realized the hardships we experienced until now. But let me tell you the story of my first love.

 

It all started when we had a class together. Man, he caught my eye from the start. The school was coming to an end and I still haven't got the balls to talk to him. Nothing to say. Nothing to talk about. That's how boring I am. But I wanted to do something. So I did. I gave him my number. I was freaking out on the inside but totally chill on the outside.

 

He messaged me first, oh man did I freak out. Every time he would message me back, my cheeks got red and I would constantly scream and shout. That was how excited I was. Late night chats and video cams were the best of my summer nights. It was too bad that he was older than me by not one year, but three years. That class was just an elective and that's why we had that one class together. He was set to college and I was being left behind.

 

What surprised me the most was that he would text me first. That would mean that he thought about me, right? Somehow we started to date. It was perfect like every beginning relationship.

 

But somewhere down the way, we started to become distant. I don't know if it was me or him that started it. I was busy with schoolwork and I don't doubt that it wasn't the same for him too, he being in college and all. But our conversations were short, shorter than usual. It got boring with the typical greetings and such. Our video chats were the same. Just the occasional, “What are you doing? Oh bye.” I will never forget the day where he avoided eye contact for the first time.

 

Then I found out why he's been being distant. He was cheating on me with a girl in college. He didn't tell me, I saw a picture of them holding hands being all lovey dove from Facebook. I cried so much that night. I thought about how he didn't really like me; about how he never really did care about me. Or maybe he did, but it was only just a matter of time until he used me. Used me like I was nothing but a dirty rag and to be thrown away.

 

It was the day for our video chat. He still avoided my eyes and he always on his phone. Smiling all giddily from here to there. I knew it from that moment that he was no longer mine. He was already gone. Far from my reach and I couldn't get him back.

 

“Let's break up.” I started.

 

“Is that what you want?” He asked. Now he's pretending to care. I know it all. He's relieved that I'm saying this. He's free from my hold.

 

I only nodded. I was on the verge of shedding tears. Something that I didn't want to do in front of him. Showing him I'm weak will allow him to think he's at fault. It technically is but I really think it was mine. I wasn't trying hard enough.

 

“Okay.” The chat ended. And finally, I let it all go. Crying sure did help in some ways but it showed my vulnerable side.

 

Time was the only medicine for my heartbreak. I deleted my Facebook account because I couldn't handle the happiness he had while I was being miserable. The fact that he was so happy without me was something I couldn't bear.

 

A month had passed and it was July. July was definitely the month of hot days and cool nights. I got over it. Well, I think I did. I no longer cried and I erased those past memories. But wounds were reopened when he texted me out of the blue.

 

“Hey. I miss you.”

 

Why did he do this to me? Especially when he had hurt me so much, but you know what? I don't think I ever did get over him.

 

“I miss you too..”

 

That was the beginning of our second chance. The funny thing is that he never told me about the girl he was cheating with. I never brought it up, but it still would've been nice to know why he did. Now that I think about it.. Why did I never bring it up? Maybe I was too afraid hearing the reason why. Yeah, just maybe.

 

Honestly, I couldn't trust him 100%. He hurt me before so there was a reason why I couldn't. But this time was better. On the weekends, he came to visit. He always brought gifts, such as flowers, boxes of chocolates, and stuff animals. That guy sure did make me smile. Our conversations were silly and random but it was something that I looked forward to everyday.

 

I actually thought we were good this time. We didn't have big fights and everything was fine. Our relationship became serious. Serious enough for me to introduce him to my parents. My mother loved him and couldn't wait for him to be her son-in-law, which was embarrassing. On the other hand, my father wasn't ready to let his little girl go. But my boyfriend convinced him that he wouldn't hurt me, that he would go to the ends of the earth for me. So my father approved of him and threatened that he would murder him in his sleep if he even made me cry.

 

July and August passed. Autumn came and it was the season where all the leafs turned from meadow green to various colors of yellow, red, and orange. Leaf piles were made for us to jump in. The weather was perfect for both shorts and sweaters. It was my favorite season of the year.

 

Unfortunately, things turned sour. Autumn suddenly became the worst season of the year for me. Out of nowhere, my boyfriend became aggressive. He would hit me if I ever talked back or if I even looked at other people. He controlled what I wore and what I did. I lost all my friends in high school, but he told me that he was the only person I needed. And I believed it. After all, he made me happy.

 

I became a lone wolf. I never went out and always wore long clothes to cover the purple bruises that were on my body. Gone were the promises he made, gone were the laughs and happy times. But I still

loved him.

 

Our conversations were no longer cute and silly. There were only full of questions. “Where are you? Who are you with? What are you wearing?” This became a normal routine. I didn't bother to video chat anymore ever since he gave me a black eye. According to him, I was disgusting and that no one else would take me, that I was lucky that he is being kind enough to take me.

 

Enough was enough. I couldn't handle being tormented anymore. So I broke it off..by text. Only God knows what he would do to me if I did it face-to-face. The relationship was going to get me killed. I didn't want to be a victim of an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, he didn't take it too well. He called me every day threatening me to take him back. His voicemails were full of insults saying that I was ugly, dumb, and I was most likely to die alone. Two months have passed, and now those voicemails and texts were begging me to take him back. He was sorry and that he was wrong. I ignored them all. I couldn't be with a guy who has cheated on me and took me for granted.

 

That all changed when he came to my door with a giant teddy bear holding a heart that said “I'm sorry.” He wore a tight black t-shirt and some jeans. Dark bags were under his eyes as if he haven't had sleep for days. His eyes sparkled when he saw me open the door.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey.”

 

And it continued from there. I forgave him again. I know it seems silly and really stupid, but I love him. Even though he has hurt me physically and emotionally, I can't live without him. He's my everything.

 

Three years went on by, it seemed quick but at the same time slow. I'm attending college now and my boyfriend is currently working. The third chance of our relationship was going strong. When I forgave him three years ago, I was afraid of him. Every time he came close, I would cringe and roll into a ball. It was that bad. But he took his time. After 2 months or so, I was able to hug him. It progressed and now we're back to square 1. We're back to the honeymoon stage as you call it.

 

I moved out of my parents and got an apartment with my boyfriend. I still remember the day we moved in. My boyfriend carried loads of boxes into the apartment. We got an upstairs apartment and there wasn't an elevator. So it was hefty work for him. After we moved in the furniture, we attempted to arrange our stuff. But it failed when we started to tickle each other and ended up sleeping in the cold living room instead of our bed.

 

He was sweet as always. He still brought me flowers and stuff animals like before. Sometimes he would visit me in college during his lunch break. When he did, we would go to a cafe nearby and feed each other. Man, I still remember how he used to say “Ahhh~” with his cute eye smile every time I fed him.

 

But like always, good things come to an end. I really can't say I didn't expect it. He got laid off from his job and open jobs weren't available. He blamed it on himself. It was the reason why he started to do drugs. He stayed home all day, not doing anything but smoke pot on couch.

 

“Where do you get this? How do you have money for this?”

 

“Don't worry about it babe. I know a guy.”

 

“Can you at least explain how you can afford this?”

 

“I'm using your college intuition. I'll pay it back. Don't worry babe.”

 

That wasn't the case. I ended up dropping out of college and got a job to support myself and my boyfriend. The rent and the bills had to get paid someway or another. And my so called boyfriend wasn't going to do it. So I had to be the man in this relationship.

It was tiring, let me tell you that. I worked late hours and came home to an apartment that smelled like pot and my boyfriend sleeping on the couch. There were many times where I had cried myself to sleep. How is that I'm the only person in the relationship? Am I the only one trying? Do I deserve this?

 

“I'm tired of providing for the both of us! Get up your lazy and go find a job!”

 

“You don't think I haven't tried?!”

 

“It's been a year. A ing year since I have seen you with an application!”

 

“What do you ing know?”

 

Tears were rolling down my face. How can he do this? What happened to the guy I used to know?

 

“Get a job.”

 

“Or what?”

 

“Or else..I'll leave.”

 

“Go ing ahead. You said that a million times. And look, you're still here.”

 

He walked back to the couch and started to smoke again. I went to my workplace. It was better than staying at a place what I call “home”. After work, I came back to him asleep on the couch. He was muttering, “I love you.” My heart couldn't take it. It would be easier if someone could just tear my heart out. That way I wouldn't feel this pain I'm feeling right now. So I packed my bags. Before leaving, I placed a blanket over him. His face looked too peaceful. I hesitated, can I really leave him behind? No, I have to do this. Grabbing my bags, I opened the door and left. But is it a bad thing to say that I still love him?

 

I changed my number and my appearance. My previous look reminded me too much of him and I needed a change. Let's just say, I finally I got my life back together. I graduated from college and now I'm working as a nurse. Helping people was always my dream, the thought of saving someone showed me how precious one's life is. Life is a roller coaster. It has its upside downs and sharp turns, but it will soon be over. So make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

 

The hospital I worked at wasn't a big hospital, so it was quiet on most days. The pay was okay, it paid my bills and that's what matters. But my luck is the worst. A patient had his arm broken and all the nurses weren't back from their lunch break so I went to treat him. His back turned to me. When I touched his shoulder, my whole world came crashing down. It was him.

 

“Finally. So there are people working here.” He looked at me. That was strange. It seemed like he didn't recognize me.

 

I only chuckled. As I treated his arm, I felt his stare on me. It was like he was burning a hole through my skull, yes it was that strong.

 

“Done. Now go to the reception counter to get a release form.”

 

“I'm sorry...but do I know you?”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“I'm sorry if this sounds weird, but I feel like I know you.”

 

“You don't recognize me?”

 

“Does that mean I do know you?”

 

“Yeah, yeah you do.”

 

I found out he had an accident with some bad people. Probably because he couldn't pay for the pot. He was hit on the head and he lost his memory. I felt bad for him, he lost a part of himself, memories are the only things you have when you grow up. He was sent home after he signed the release form, but he was like a boomerang. It keeps coming back. He came back to the hospital the next day asking for his past. So I did. I told him how we were dating and the things he's done. I told him all his flaws and all of his favorite things to do; I spent the whole day telling him who he was.

 

“Wow, I was a jerk.”

 

“Yeah, you were.”

 

“Uh, I know its sudden, but do you wanna go for a coffee sometime?”

 

“Really? I told you who you were. You broke my heart so many times.”

 

“I know I know. But I'm a new man. I know you can't trust me because of the past, but now I know how you feel and I wouldn't make those same mistakes. I did lose my memories..”

 

I only laughed. It's true that he's changed, well, memory wise. Was it worth the heartbreak again? But deep down, I still loved him.

 

“Sure.”

 

Two years passed, and I'm still going out with him. He really proved himself. There were small fights, but it was a regular thing for couples. He showed me that he cared and loved me everyday. I was truly happy.

 

We walked to a park one weekend. I sat on the swings and swung back and forth. My boyfriend sat on the other and watched me. We didn't talk, but it was okay. It was comfortable.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

He got off his swing and went down on one knee. This can't be happening, right? Is he going to propose?

 

“I love you. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He took out a small navy blue box from his jean pocket.

 

As he opened the tiny box it revealed a small diamond ring. “Will you marry me?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Fast forward to the day before our wedding. We weren't allowed to see each other, since it was bad luck for the groom and the bride. But who the hell cared. I sneaked out of my hotel room and saw my fiance in the lounge area. We went swimming in the hotel pool. It was late at night, so no one else was there. The night ended with us making out and a slight cold. But that wouldn't stop us from getting married.

 

I was getting my makeup done when I heard the groom went missing. Did he run because he had cold feet? Why today?

 

Everyone went looking for him. I was told to stay in my hotel room. Man, I was anxious as hell. I called him so many times but it only led me to his voicemail. An hour went by which seemed like an eternity. I got a call from his phone.

 

“Hey, are you okay? Where the hell are you? If you didn't know, it's our wedding day!” I bombarded him.

 

“I'm sorry. But the groom was found dead. Come by the police station right now. I'm so sorry hun.”

 

My knees collapsed. How can he be dead? It was our wedding day. The day where we start to spend the rest of our lives together. Today was the day to say “To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part.” I ran to the police station only to hear the devastating news of the love of my life.

 

He went to a floral shop to buy some flowers. That idiot went to go buy flowers on his wedding day. Some burglars came into the shop and demanded everyone to drop to the floor. But that idiot resisted and tried to persuade them to leave. The burglars shot him, stole the money in the register, and ran off.

 

“We found this in the bouquet he bought.” The officers said.

 

They handed me a card with his handwriting on it.

 

“Hey my bride! Today, we are getting married and I can't wait to spend my life with you and start a family. I want you to know that I love you and hope that you think of me when you see these outside of your hotel room. Fighting! From your soon to be husband.”

 

That ing idiot. His death hit me hard. I wished it was a nightmare. That it was only a dream and I would wake up to his sleeping face. But no, it was reality. A reality that I couldn't escape from. I had to face the fact that this time the boomerang wasn't coming back.

 

Its been 30 years since that incident. I'm now laying in a hospital bed, depending on a machine to help me stay alive. I haven't been with anyone since. He was the love of my life and he will stay that way. I never got over it. He will remain as my first and last love. A love that will stay in my heart forever. And his name? His name was Sehun. Oh Sehun.