I stood a few feet away from her but the closeness did not feign how far I really was from her.

It had been a year but until now I just couldn’t stop watching and following her.

She was at the same place as the first time I saw he. Sat at the same seat she’d been sitting every time she visited the place. And no matter how crowded the place was, she still seemed to occupy the space, still stood out among the crowd. But the usual brightness that surrounded her seemed to be gone.

She smiled a sad smile, her eyes beamed in fake happiness to something her companion told her, and the longer their conversation went, the sadness in her expression stayed if not, grew worse. Suddenly her gaze turned towards my direction and for a moment I thought she was looking at me. Time stopped just like the first time her gaze landed to me but this time it didn’t last long. The clock ticked once again when I realized how impossible it was. Her expression didn’t change as she continuously just looked through me. She only turned away when her companion grabbed her attention. The longer I watched her, the more painful I felt. But as much as I want to take away the loneliness from her, I can’t for all I could do was to just watch her and hope that she would once again smile. That she would be ahppy again.

And once she was.

The first time I saw her, winter suddenly felt less bleak than it was supposed to be. The coldness was replaced by warmth when I saw for the first time her smile that could probably melt anything that’s frozen. And at first I thought an angel graced the earth a visitation until I saw her turned to one of her companion and began a conversation. I didn’t know how long I stayed there watching her. I felt the time stopped and myself stopped breathing when her gaze suddenly landed to mine. She looked away as soon as our eyes met. I had never thought watching someone could be so satisfying until I just found myself doing it and not noticing how time flew by with me smiling at every smile she did, frowning at every frown she did. It took me an eternity to realize how mad I probably looked like watching her from afar but I knew I wasn’t the only one who was captivated by the beauty she graced for almost every pair of male eyes in the packed restaurant was directed to her. Only that, she didn’t seem to notice the attention she caused or maybe she just didn’t care. Several times I tried approaching her only to find myself glued to my spot and mind blank of whatever word I should say in order to introduce myself. Time passed as I stayed statued to my spot and until she and companions left, I was still pathetically watching her. I watched until the last glimpse of her faded but it stayed etched in my memory and until the sudden brightness and warmth that she brought tailed behind her bringing back the bleakness of winter to the place she just left.

And even though the uncertainty of seeing her again clouded my mind, I just knew during that moment that she already owned a large and vital part in my heart. Something bloomed inside me that I’ve never felt before. Something that even a couple of drinks or sleeps wouldn’t just easily take away. Probably it wasn’t just me who felt that way but also half of the male population in that restaurant and the other males she graced with her presence. And all I could do was to just hope and pray that one day I could see her again.

She stayed in my mind for days and sometimes I couldn’t help but doubt if the memory of her was just a part of my playful imagination only to feel the warm feeling once again with the thought of her and it would remind me how her presence still felt so real even after days had already gone by. And then one fateful day, the angel that I thought was just a part of a dream showed up in one of the many photographs of my sister and her friends.

--

It seemed the conversation between her and her companion finally ended. I continuously watched her as they stood up from their seats and began to make their leave. I followed them just like I always did. I sometimes feel like I did a better job as her shadow. They parted ways when they reached the end of the street. They hugged and once again I watched her smile a sad smile as she said her goodbye. I continuously followed her as she made her way to the bus stop. I couldn’t help but smile learning that she still preferred to walk than to drive. The brightness of the sun reflected against her porcelain skin and even though she wore only a plain white shirt and jeans, she still looked the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on. And as I continuously followed her, I also continuously prayed that I could be able to walk beside her, hold her hand or place my arm around her. But praying didn’t do anything, not anymore.

--

Sandara Park. Her name was as unique as her. And from the moment I learned her name, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling every time I spoke of it, which was every time I think of her, which was almost every second, and every time I think of as to how close she really was just from me. I was never aware of my sister’s friends. I had only heard about their names a couple of times and had forgotten about them almost as immediately as she told me about them. And I’ve never wanted to hit myself as often as I did during the time I found out about her whenever I remembered myself ignoring my sister’s stories about her friends.

I couldn’t forget the confused expression on my sister’s face when I suddenly asked her things about the woman among her friends in one of her photos posted in her room. At first she was annoyed at my questions but later on she grew suspicious and soon realized my interest in her friend and began teasing me about it. I had never been so creepy-looking as I did each time I asked my sister about the angel I found. But I couldn’t help but ask more things because the more I knew about her, the closer I felt to her.

--

I sat  on the seat behind her and watched as she leaned her head against the window and watched the view outside. I was used to seeing her do this but it felt different this time and the months before The brightness that once surrounded her seemed to be slowly fading each day. And it seemed that sadness was slowly eating fragments of her life each day. It was frustrating and painful to watch her like this but what was more painful was that I couldn’t even do anything about it. As much as I wanted to comfort her, take away the sadness in her I can’t. My voice wouldn’t reach her, and  my touch wouldn’t do a thing for it was as useless as a whisper of the wind.

I watched as her shoulders slumped as she let out a sigh. She seemed to do that too these days. She was too blank during the travel that she almost missed her stop. I followed her down the bus and the whole walk towards my sister’s house.

--

She was the jolliest person I knew but a sensitive one as well. She liked doing the silliest stuff but you shouldn’t about it because she’ll sulk like a kid and could really be hurt by it. You wouldn’t want her hurt because it would also be painful to see her sad. Just let her act silly because you’ll admit to yourself that she looked really adorable that way. She’s loyal to her friends, caring and she never forgets but you should always answer her txt messages because she would feel abandoned when you don’t and would soon feel bad and might erase your number. You shouldn’t pretend that she didn’t exist as a part of teasing her because she would figure out immediately and would really backfire to you. You don’t want her ignoring your existence in return. She could be awkward and shy at times. Even if you were already introduced to her, the next time you see her, you should take the initiative to approach her first because she would be too shy to approach you. She couldn’t talk on the phone when it’s past eleven in the evening because she felt awkward talking on the phone. Just txt her about it and she’ll reply. She loved animals but with the exception of horses and dogs (as far as my knowledge about it, though she was learning to familiarize herself to dogs). She loved cats in particular. And despite how beautiful and wonderful she was, she could be insecure at times which could be added as to how humble she was. And once you get to know her more, you’ll feel the need to protect her. Not because she looked frail or weak, but because she’s someone special. She’s someone who’s rare to be found anywhere else and you’ll feel overwhelmed by the fact that you met her. And later you’ll just find out that you would do anything just so you wouldn’t lose her.

--

I waited outside my sister’s house. I watched them both through the window and I hoped my sister would tell her that she needed to get back to her old self, the one who was not as sad as the one in front of her. I hoped my sister would be able to take away the sadness in her that I can’t. But I knew she did, just like the other people around her but it seemed like no matter how much they tried to make her happy, no matter how they tried to bring her back to her old self, she still couldn’t escape the sadness that enveloped her.

After a while, they both went outside as they bid goodbye to each other.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to accompany you?” I heard my sister say.

“I’d rather just be alone when I go there.”

My sister could just nod and smile. I know that she too was trying.

Atfer they hugged each other, they parted ways. I followed her once again as she rode another bus, once again took the seat behind her and once again watched her be lost in trance.

The ride wasn’t long. I followed her down and as she walked towards her new destination. Soon we reached a big gate and inside it was a broad field surrounded by trees. I left her by herself and waited outside. It was already mid afternoon, the wind started to blow, the trees around swayed along with it. I watched her make her way through the path and towards one of the mounds along the field. When I saw her stopped, that was when I turned my back away from her for the first time that day.

She took a little longer than the other days and when she came out of the gate, I watched her look up to the sky, her gaze wandered for a bit as if looking for something and suddenly, a small smile curved on her lips before she looked down. She stood there for a moment before she heaved out another sigh and began her way back to the bus stop.

--

She still had her three cats. They all welcomed her as she arrived home. I watched her through the windows as she moved around the house. The night continued to deepen and this time I found her sitting on a lounge chair watching something. I moved closer to see what she was watching tonight and I felt a pang when I realized what it was.

It was her on the screen, looking as beautiful as ever but this time much better. Wearing her wedding dress, she smiled on the carema. I could hear loud cheers behind and the beautiful smile on her face grew. The camera turned to the other direction and the pang I felt grew worse when I saw myself on the screen this time wearing another set of big smile. The cheers grew louder and the camera turned back to her direction.

“I just want to admit something.” She said, her cheeks reddened as she looked at the camera first and behind it. This time the camera captured us both in the video. I watched myself in the video looking confused and I remembered each second of it.

“When you said that it was you who’ve seen me first in that restaurant, well the truth is that, I’ve already known about you even before that. I purposely went to that restaurant because I know you would be there.” She said, her cheeks reddened some more.

“What? Why… I mean… then why didn’t you approach me?” I heard myself say in the video. I could also hear the loud laugh from the people.

Because you were staring at us. As in really staring at us and… I thought you were staring at Chaerin and not me so I got nervous and wasn’t able to approach you.” She said with a pout. I heard the people laugh once again. I watched myself say something and the next thing I saw was us kissing each other passionately in the middle of the cheering crowd.

The longer I watched it, the more painful it was to watch. I looked away and turned my gaze to my wife. She had her eyes on the screen, her lips curved in a smile but the happiness that she showed covered up the sadness that she really wore inside. And that sadness streamed down against her cheeks. She reached to wipe her tears. Even after it had been a year since I left, she still wore our wedding ring. After wiping the tears, she went back to watching. The smile seemed to be clued on her face, hiding the pain she was feeling inside.

--

It wasn’t the first time I watched her watching the video of us in our wedding day. It wasn’t the first time after my death that I’ve watched her crying while watching it but I hope it would be the last time I watch her tormenting herself over her loss.

I laid down on the bed beside her, lying face to face with her. Tears still streamed down from her closed eyes and I knew it wasn’t the first time she would cry herself to sleep. I raised my hand and despite its futile result, I laid my hand against her cheek.

“Let me take away your pain, baby.” I whispered against her silent tears.

She suddenly opened her tear-stained eyes, her gaze wandered for a bit before it landed to mine.

“Jiyong?” She whispered with trembling voice.

“I’m here, Dara.”

“I miss you, baby. I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too. But you need to live, baby. For the both of us. Please be strong. Please be happy again.” I pleaded even though I know she wouldn’t hear a thing. For a moment she just stared through me before her eyes slowly closed, tears kept streaming down the sides.

“I love you, Jiyong. I love you.” She whispered between her tears.

“I love you too, baby. So much.” I wrapped my arms around her despite the fact that she wouldn’t feel a thing.

“You said you wouldn’t go.”

“And I’m here now. With every step you make, I’ll be with you forever, baby.” I looked down and saw how she snuggled against my invisible embrace and for the first time after a year, she smiled a blissful smile.