This story is written from Lay’s POV..

it was again.. the same sensation I wake up to every morning.. the same one I bid farewell to with every sunset.. London’s foggy, ticklish, cold breeze..

I smiled to Mrs. Parker, my dearest neighbor who never fails to make up an excuse to break into my apartment and claim that it’s untidy and smelly so that she can spend the day hours making me food & washing my shabby clothes to make sure I can still survive… was I grateful? At first yes.. but then, I felt burdened.. she was an old woman with various ailments that leaves her with too little energy to get through the day, she was never strived for to look after me…

April is approaching in 3 more months… well, then that gives me 90+ days before my 40s knocks my life’s door..

I tapped Mrs. Parkers shoulder and kissed her hand.. I made my way to the down town, riding Kris’s dilapidated car.. what was this guy thinking when he brought this 1985 design’s Ford car, can I count on him at all…? He still lend me this oddly-moving piece of equipment, shouldn’t I show some gratitude?

I looked up to the sky once I stepped out of Kris’s car.. it was again, a cold-windy day in the fog city..

I was supposed to meet up with Kris himself in our usual café in the middle of Manchester city overly crowded roads..

I wonder though, what was there to meet up outside the apartment and talk about to one another about.. the man kind of lives with me, considering that he either stay until past midnight working on editing articles or his columnists’ awfully written pieces –as he always blurt about- or brings his work home and I use his non-stoppable grumbling and snoring when he pass out from the tiresome leaning on the pile of papers, as my own back ground music… I laughed at the thought… at least, he kept my company.. I was after all, an old, Asian expatriate, in a city that lacks nothing, but the warmth & an escape.. a way out.. a shelter that leads to anywhere… to anyone… but you..

*Flash Back*

 lay-ah.. did you score 90% as an average at the end? You could have done better.. anyway.. Congratulations on your graduation

“th…..thanks dad..’’

~

lay-ah, you’re enrolling in medicine school..

‘’but dad…’’

Don’t argue with me!

‘’as…. You wish….’’

~

lay-ah, the letter arrived just as I requested, you’re enlisting in the military next month !

‘’but… dad am not even 25 yet…’’

The threats of a war with the Japanese are serious, what kind of citizen you think you are if you don’t serve your country when it needs you the most…

‘’that’s…….. You’re right dad…’’

~

And that how things flew afterwards..

The first year of training was the coldest, the cruelest…. The ugliest..

It was 1 month after my 24^th birthday, in which I spent in that arid place that I met him..  Consul.Kim… Dad’s ultimate role model… my… light beam.. the reason I cherished every moment of my second year, in that place that was no-longer gloomy, warm-less, dark & saddening..

He was my teacher, my tour guide in a life that I spent in nothing but studying, blindly-obeying my father’s commands… and fantasizing about the woman of my dreams..

He taught me how to shoot using a gun…a rifle, how to back up the introductional line-up of soldiers.. how to set a plan-B in extreme cases of needed supplies of food or first-aid…

That wasn’t it all…

He taught me how to dream, how to sit up bases for a life of my own, away from dad’s control or traditions or whatever barrier that block my way to approach the happiness I deserve..

It wasn’t until December of that year… that life decided to crash me… to set me into pieces..

The war did take place.. and despite mother’s prayers & kid’s pleadings… it did set my country in fire..

I can’t really remember much of it… all what crosses my memory from that hateful day is the sound of bombs, shooting, squeals… bloody sand, dead bodies…. And Consul Kim’s last words echoing, stuttered, and drenched in despair..

‘’ lay ….. lay-ah…. My….son…or…or daughter…. My wife will be giving birth…. To our first child….. in….. few days…..please…..’’ & he managed to compose himself a bit despite his ripped chest that poured his blood forming a tiny line of blood river before it dries on the cold sand….’’hold my baby for me…caress his cheeks… hold.. his tiny fingers….. name him…..su…ho…..’’

*End of Flashback*

I settled in that same wooden chair, I claimed as mine.. since I placed my foot in this café of yours Kris-ah… I took my first sip of my favorite espresso, that –with its cruel bitterness- awaken all the feelings I hid deep down my ribs… those who fell miserably to trap you in their cage… to grip a hold of you, to embrace you when the darkness fell down, to squeeze you close to a heart that aged untimely, chasing you around in a loop that drifted you away.. with every breath I took….

*Flash back*

I ran, I fought my falling tears that digged a line down my cheeks… and ran… swallowing the pain that overtook me… the sorrow of being helpless.. useless.. loser & vulnerable thinking that I can stood on my two legs once again after I covered his grave with tears.. and blood showering my torso as I lost not only you… my source of light and hope… my dignity that slipped away, defeated by non-other than that enemy…. And my left arm…

I knelt down, the moment the doctor in charge told me that the delievery went too well, and that… babyish cries that were heard, belonged to no one else… but.. Suho..

it was a baby boy..

I gathered what’s left of my energy & carried the kid carefully… the tears falling while I smile… was I in pain? Was I ready to live as a handicap for my remaining years? How shall I start off a new life now…? did we win the war? How am  I supposed to pass your wife your last greetings…?

That vortex of questions that took over my brain was pushed aside… the moment I smelled your skin’s rosy smell.. were you pouting at me? I smiled despite the sorrow, the pain, the despair… despite everything the stepped on my wounds the moment you blinked your eyes.. I felt life opening its arms to me.. a soul migrated to heaven… while another blossoms… both were held in my arms… the moment I felt my self-composure dumped me without other thoughts… I handed you back to your mother’s soft arms as I murmured..

“Suho … name him… Suho …..”

& your name was the last word passing my throat that day… the same word that painted my happiness… and my despair..

*End of Flashback*

Kris called saying that he was trapped by his boss for one more hour.. didn’t I expect him to run in late? He begged me to wait for him… and I didn’t complain.. today.. for some reason revived my old fantasy of walking around this city, collecting souvenirs for a memory of a middle aged man.. who never knew how did his manhood gave up facing your charm’s gate.. a man who never thought that you will ever point your painful bullets to his very soul.. a man who admitted defeat.. Admitted crying.. longing… nostalgia.. but, within the limits of decency.. as I was left with nothing to be ashamed of.. not age… not my feckless body… nothing at all.. not even your unspoken rejection…

*Flash back*

It wasn’t until April of that year… 2002… until I made up my mind.. and decided to run an exhibition where I can make profit for selling my paintings.. I found out late in time, that the only thing i had passion for is..drawing..I was always a man of honour… for me, my paintings were reflections of my mind… my soul and being… selling them was more like selling pieces of myself to strangers who claim appreciating my art.. I stood nervously on a corner waiting for Kris … my life-time friend to assure me that everything was going just fine.. and to tap my armless shoulder in a supportive manner..

“its D-day hyung.. you shouldn’t be the one trembling in worry.. it’s those TV reports who should.. who knew an old dude can still attract young ladies?’’ he said poking my sole arm and I smiled.. after all, this was meant to be a charity work, I wanted to donate the revenue of this gallery to the poor..

I smiled to the camera as the blond reporter gestured me to do so.. she asked me if there is a particular person I want to dedicate my thank-yous for and I smiled nervously… beside Kris, Mrs. Park my -new neighbor- and…..Tiffany maybe? There was….too little people with too much effort exerted to back me up…

“so Mr.Zhang is there anyone else you would like to thank or send a greeting to before we end this interview…?!”

I rubbed the back of my neck nervously..

“there is no-…’’

‘’Suho-ah… Suho... over here….”

I heard Kris’s voice calling for someone… calling for an unknown being…or that was what i thought of that moment..

That was the first time I heard your name .. the very first time since I was at the moment of bleeding between life and death.. 20 years ago, so I felt myself hanging by those 4 letters that made up your name.. pulling myself up from the the trap of my empty years, holding into ropes of dreams..

 “Suho… Kim Suho.. Kris-ssi keep talking about you all the time Mr.Zhang.. I was transferred to the magazine branch where Kris-ssi work at few weeks ago… please reserve me a room in your busy schedule.. I want my biggest hit to be an exclusive interview with you.. hmmm? Plz Mr.Zhang…’’ he introduced himself.. begged cutely, holding my hand with both of his.. i saw his eyes averting from my missing arm to my other one.. he wasn't pitying me, was he?

I gave no response as I found myself drown in the dark shades of black in this pair of eyes…

‘’Kim Suho you said…?” I asked..

“yes.. nice name ha? the guardian… a unique name with a unique meaning..” he added, flashing me with that smile that was nothing but a sign of my nearing downfall..

It was around 6:00 p.m when Kris and his new colleague helped me out in closing my atelier.. gladly, the gallery was a success..

“dinner…?” he offered once we stepped out into the busy street, the sun sat an hour ago..

“isn’t it a bit too early for dinner…?” Kris asked.

But he end up dragging us to a Thai restaurant where he seemed so fond of its food..

“so… you are from chenon too..?” I asked… it was my hometown, the stubborn brain of mine refused to think what it was thinking.. it… can’t be..

“yes, I grew up there, but then we moved to Seoul one year later, my mom wanted to escape from the memories of hers and dad….” And I witnessed his charming smile from earlier… fading..

“Suho’s dad used to serve for the Korean military.. he was among the soldiers who died during the war with the Japanese…” Kris illustrated in a low tone..

“you never met him, did you?” I asked, my attention poured on nothing else but him…..

“never.. I was told that my dad sent one of his detachment’s soldiers to witness my first moments in life… that man… he named me… he was the first to touch me… to hold me… to-….” I couldn’t register the words he added after that as I found myself storming out of that place, running to no certain destination…

How could it be…? after 20 years… how can this irrational fate bring you to my life… and why do I feel my inside shrikes in misery Suho… why?

~

“it can’t be….”

“I didn’t believe it at first either…”

“Mr.Zhang is….”

“yes he is Suho!!…. He is…..”

And it was the night before my 39^th birthday… the night I was embraced by coldness, killing-silence… and his arms..

‘’I never believed in miracles… but I always believed in fate.. you are my fate Mr.Zhangi… you are… my...everything….’’

And it took me something beyond my willpower to think of "what everything was his everything?" What… reason did I have to allow that sternness of  greed to take over me with the need of nothing… but to keep your arms around my ageing torso..

~

Life wasn’t a boring cycle that rotates every day with the same details and acts or faces… because…and for some reason.. your sole existence enforced everything to blend into non-existence, leaving me with a shabby coat, old umbrella…. And you dancing under the rain like a child who was rewarded for not breaking the wooden toy he always wanted to own.. what was your reward Suho..? or was life rewarding me after all the dry years with a reason not to live….but to revive every sad soul drenching in sorrow.. how can anyone be in pain… when your wet bangs failed to cover that piercing pair of eyes that radiated love…. Hope…. And you…. What logic will excuse anyone to stay in pain… when you were the cure for every wound…

~

“come on Mr.Zhang just this once…”

“do you even know how old I am? How can you ask me to ride a bike… I have only one arm Mr. Kim just in case you forgot”

“so what? Am 22 and I still ride it in our neighborhood… come on don’t be stubborn… I’ll drive you, you sit in the back.. just circle my waist...” He added that last part with a playful tone..

Shall I worry? Will my shivers pass through him..? how do I explain myself then…?

And he is…. 22….. that was… almost half my age…

You hugged me again… that night…. I froze in place… why…. Did my inside twisted the way it did..

“happy birthday Mr.Zhang… you should know by now that am a broke man, so just accept this as a birthday gift, would you…..’’ and I felt his nose sinking in the crock of my neck….

“you smell like… like home.. your my hometown Mr.Zhang……… will you allow my residence..?’’

He asked… and I felt my sole arm embracing him almost possessively..

I needed a hometown myself.. but I wanted a shelter… while what he called residence was nothing.. but an invasion…

~

I felt the sun caressing your face when you stood up leaning into Kris’s lousy car, waiting…. For me to take you to…

“amusement park… please Mr.Zhang.. just this once… let me show you how amusing that could be….”

And the only thing that grabbed my attention was.. the sunlight touching your flawless skin daringly..

At this moment .. I hated this curious and shameless side of the sun..

I wanted to write about you in the dark... My story with you was more of a video tape I was afraid to be burned by the light and get rescinded, because you're a soul that grew in my veins..

A soul I owned with the legitimacy of secrets..

Yes am that jealous of the sun… therefore, I must not write about you until I get all the curtains down, and closed the windows of my room…

~

“Mr.Zhang … are you in love?’’ he dared to ask and I let a dry laugh..

“don’t laugh.. am serious here.. I saw you with a lady last night, Kris told me to wait for him in the car.. he forgot some paper in you atelier.. while waiting for him I saw you stepping out of there with a lady circling your shoulders…”

I maintained the same smile from earlier.. how can a cruel feeling like jealousy hold so much meanings..

“she is just a friend Suho… its getting late you should go home…”

“a friend whom you lived with…. Kris said she loves you….”

“but I don’t….”

“but you still hang around with her….”

I saw a thin line of that salty, transparent liquid swinging over the edge of your now, oh-so-sad eyes…

“she is just a friend Suho… Tiffany is nothing but a childhood friend of mine who volunteered to help me establish a life and career in London… nothing more, nothing less…”

I walked you home that night fearing that if I let you go alone you may never come back to me… I was a very direct person, I knew I was possessive but you were so ignorant to the root of the feelings you failed or maybe never tried to hide..

“you can’t love anyone before you get my approval Mr.Zhang … you gave me my name, I will give you the love of your life…” he managed to smile at last..

I caressed his cheek.

“sleep well….” I whispered to his ear as I initiated a hug for the very first time since my eyes met his… and for some reason… the memories of our first meeting shoved its way into my dreams that night..

The day we met was… surprising ..

Fate wasn’t the second party of it…. It was the first party… since the beginning..

Even so, I'm not foolish to say that I fell in love with you at first sight,, I can courageously tell you that I fell in love with you… before that first sight..

As if you had something I already knew.. Something attracting me to your lovely features.. as if I fell in love with someone who looked exactly like you.. with the face of yours that keeps chasing me from one painting to another..

~

You roamed around in my atelier, messing around with the-already untidy room I locked myself up in for work..

“Mr.Zhang … can you do me a favor?”

I hmmm-ed you in response…

“can you draw me…? I want to hang your painting of me in my room so that I will remember your face whenever I look at mine…”

I smiled, pretending to focus on the drawing am working on…

“how can your youthful, full of life face remind you of my wrinkled one, aren’t you here to meet Kris, he said he will be late, why don’t you go get some rest for now….”

“you just want to get rid of me… I still want that painting….”

“which one…?”

“the one you will draw for me…”

“when did I agree to your request.. am busy Suho, I have to send this painting by tomorrow, let me work…”

And the brush am holding fell down staining my carpet when you trapped yourself between that drawing… and myself..

“don’t ignore me Mr.Zhang … I know you lose your focus when am around, but I can’t help my greediness.. I want to be your inspiration….”

I felt my heart beats squealing inside my chest…. Can he hear them?

‘’you said you will grant all my wishes Mr.Zhang …did you change your mind already? Shall I use some tricks to persuade you…?”

And it was the first time… I saw a smirk in an angel’s face..

“Ye….sung..” I stuttered as I felt his lips brushing on my neck…

“don’t deny me Mr.Zhang ….” he looked up at me… I felt our breathing mixing..

‘’you love me right? Then prove it…” he said with one of his breath-taking smiles.. eyes averting between my eyes and lips.. every now and then…

“your deceitful…” I said with difficulty…

“means? This is a yes… I love you Mr.Zhang … I love you so much…” he hugged me tightly before winking and leaving me to my thoughts.. my violently thumbing heart… and the traces of his lips on my cold neck…

Until when am I meant to resist…?

*End of Flashback*

I stopped in the middle of the busy city… right in its center… staring at the dancing fountain before my eyes… I wiped my sweaty, wrinkled forehead.. Memories of our last meeting, the last meeting where you were still mine, in my very fantasies..  that meeting that brought out all my hurting memories and threw them off of the way that kept taking me from you…. To  you….

*Flashback*

“he asked me out….” You said, a shy smile adding to your charms… some charm…

“he said he is worried that you may be uncomfortable about this Mr.Zhang.. Kris thinks your fatherly feelings will surely surface once you know that someone is interested in me.. that doesn’t apply to Kris right? I need to hear your approving words Mr.Zhang … am waiting….”

I fell on my bed, trying to keep my self-composure as he was few steps away from me… he invaded my everything… even my personal space…

“Mr.Zhang …” he called me once again, seating himself right next to me, his hands resting on my thighs…

“do you like him…?” I asked, swallowing my self-humiliation..

“I don’t…!

 am in love with him…”

~

~

~

It was your engagement day..

I stood in a corner, witnessing you being entitled as someone else’s man.. I looked at you, and you looked right back… we kept staring at each other and I felt my world crashing when your attention that was always mine… was stolen away…

I looked at you… this one man… who painted with his sinless lips my destiny.. who wrote it and erased it without a single kiss..

Just how.. am I supposed to forget all what did… and didn’t happen.. between the two of us…?

~

“thank you Mr.Zhang ….”

“for what…?”

“for everything… “ he said before invading my personal space once again… locking his eyes with mine..

I looked at you… begging for a touch…

I saw your gazes passing by my lips, without kissing them… slipping into my neck… without touching them… climbing up fearlessly… slowly… mercilessly… pecking my lips with your warm breathing… is all what I got as a reward for restraining myself from kidnapping you to a world that includes only you… that existed because of you…my own world… that revolves around nothing…. But you…

*End of Flashback*

“we've broke up….”

“you've what…?”

“Suho dumped me hyung… he said…. He said I wasn’t the destined one… he said… I couldn’t draw his fantasies… ride the madness and invade his soul… he blurt out with all kind of nonsense about waking up his childhood and crawling up the barrier of and reviving his dreams of meeting a man who loved him before meeting him… a man whose a father.. a shelter… and a lover….”

~

I asked Kris to take his car as I knew I couldn’t focus on that road at all.. the only thing that was haunting my thoughts… was nothing but the usual questions of, why did you do that? And what took you so long?

I froze in place when I saw your… very familiar figure, sitting in my apartment’s entrance, hugging your legs and shivering in tiresome..

“Suho…..” I called, feeling a rush of emotions showering my whole body.. I wanted to cry.. like a kid.. just… like you…

You looked up at me and I saw your eyes tearing… wearing a pale smile..

“what took you so long? I thought you will never come….”

My fake hatred and anger were pushed away as my longing attacked me harshly once again, pulling down the curtains of despair…

I didn’t ask you about your forced landing into my territory once again.. and whether you made up your mind or followed your reckless impulses that told you how this old man you dared to call ‘’father’’ -when every cell of him breathed your existence- will always have his arms open to embrace you.. because no matter how selfish you are… taking me for granted.. I still have some self-respect still.. and I will send you away to someone whom I will chose for you this time… because after all.. autumn and spring can never meet… do you think I can bear leaving you behind half-way or endure witnessing your youth wither somewhere down the line… because of a love that was never meant to be…

I kissed your tears away when those depressing thoughts crossed my mind..

Why…

Just why did your smile wore this coat of silence just now..? today… after two months of estrangement..?

I found myself laughing a bit when you rubbed your eyes cutely, still being the same Suho…my Suho.. who cry in my arms then pretend to be strong..

Did love ends when we laugh over the thing that made us cry, one day?

Grief.. does not need an anti-rain coat.. its our secretive falling.. Nevertheless, here you are.. Resisting your usual habit of talking… experiencing the silence with me…just as I experienced all types of lonely, silent death when your soul was proven not mine… not Kris’s either..

I looked at your eyes that were piercing my well-being at the moment… and I saw your father in them… I saw him… and I remembered  what he told me one day..

“In wars, those who die aren’t always the unfortunate, unhappy ones… the unfortunates are those who leave behind.. bereaved.. orphans… and loved-ones with broken-dreams…”

You were that orphan… and I witnessed my dreams shattering.. will we ever… be healed…?

THE END

A/N: if this is decent enough, could you please help me get more karma points so that i can change my user name? 

lol xD what a the thick-skinned person i am.........

i hope this wasn't the lamest thing you'd ever read 3