I’m counting down the time, because it seemed like an eternity. Not having her in my life was like being in the eye of a tornado...there, you don’t know whether it’s you who is spinning or the ones around you... and in that particular moment of pure chaos, you suddenly find a strange moment of clarity...and that’s when it suddenly hits you. You immediately realize that everyone around you has moved on. While you...you are stuck in the middle of that moment...and time passed you by...as if you didn’t exist.

That was what I was feeling now...without her.

I’d never thought a day would come that I’d be angry at her. How can one be angry at Kim Chiu? Nobody in the right frame of mind would do such thing.

I knew that now.

Today, I finally realized how stupid I was. How could I have hurt her? She, of all people? ALL THIS TIME, she had done nothing wrong but be there for me. She had been the perfect complement to my dreary existence. She always had my back. Countless times she had said, “No matter what happens, I’m ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE...” If only I could reciprocate such commitment, but I couldn’t. I was too self centered with my own emotions. I was too concerned for what I was feeling that I forgot hers.

I cringed at the thought of how hurt she must have been. She didn’t treat me like a love team. She treated me as part of her family. And how do I repay her? I broke her heart.

And how easy it was for me to hurt her too! The silliest thing came over to me, and the next thing you know she hated me.

“Kim, do you really love me or not?!” I said in frustration.

“I do...” she answered meekly.

“No, Kim, it feels like you don’t!”

“Why do you say that?”

“Tell me, Kim, why is it when I’m with you, it always feels like we take one step forward then we take two steps back...?”

“I thought we both agreed that we’ll take our relationship slowly?”

“Yes, I know,” I said. “But whatever progress we’ve made in the past, we seem to lose day by day. IT seems like we were never going anywhere...never moving forward!”

“I don’t understand you...” she replied. “You said, you’d be patient with me...”

“I know I said that...but I need to know that you love me too...once in a while!”

“I’m with you almost every day, isn’t that enough?”

“That’s different! Presence alone is different. I needed assurance...”

“Don’t you feel that I love you enough?”

“It’s not that!” I said dejectedly like a ten-year-old trying to explain the theory of relativity to a girl he loves.

“Then, what is it?” she asked.

“Okay, why is it when people ask you who I am, you always cast me aside...why do you have to deny to everyone who I really am in your life?”

“I thought we already talked about that countless of times?!”

“I know we did, but it really hurts...”

“I thought you understood?” Kim said.

“Maybe I didn’t!”

“Ge, I don’t know what more I can do...I told you I love you too...”

“It’s not enough...I need you to show me!”

“But I do!” she said, softly sobbing. “When we are by ourselves, I show you!”

“But why does it have to be that way? Why can’t we just tell the world everything? Here I am so proud of what we have...yet here you are, so...afraid!”

“Like I said before, are you willing to risk what we have taken cared of these last three years ...just so you can have the validation that you need?”

“You don’t understand how I feel!”

“Then, tell me...” she said in quiet desperation.

“It seems like you’re ashamed of me...and I’m hurt by that...”

“Don’t you think I’m not hurt by you not trusting me?”

“Kim...”

“Ge, how could you still doubt what I feel for you?”

“Kim, I need proof...not all the time, but sometimes I do...”

She slowly lifted her head and looked at me with a certain degree of determination.

“So...you don’t really think that I truly love you?” she said as tears streamed down her face.

At that time, I was thinking of the time she indirectly denied in national TV that she ever went to church with me...and the many other countless times she had denied me. The pain was so fresh and that I wasn’t thinking right.

“Ge...I’m asking you...” she said once more. “Do you think that I don’t love you anymore?”

“Sometimes...” I foolishly answered.

“Then tell me one thing, Ge...”

“What is it?”

“IF I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU, why am I hurting like this?”

And then, she ran away...crying.

That was the last time I saw her.

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It seemed like yesterday. The pain, the hurt, the confusion...the feelings were still raw.

That had been the bleakest day of my life. It was the very first time that we had quarrelled as far as I could remember. I must admit that I felt scared. It was unfamiliar territory. We were so used to making each other laugh that times like that had almost been...too foreign.

The last few days had been of utter misery. I never knew how completely she had overtaken my whole being. Her absence made me weak. It seems like a part of me had ceased to function...forever lost in this maze of self-pity and doubt. I hated how I felt. I hated who I turned out to be.

That’s when I realized how important Kim Chiu was to Gerald Anderson. I am nothing without her. I needed her beside me. Her presence alone can heal me. Now, I am more determined than ever to get her back. It was time for me to bare what is really in the very core of my HEART AND SOUL.

I tried many times to call her... to pursue her once more. Many times, she rejected me. She said she wasn’t ready to face me yet. I told her I wanted my chance...and that I was willing to wait for it.

I knew the way back into her heart wasn’t going to be easy. The road will be filled with mishaps and disappointments. I learned the hard way that she was entertaining other suitors too. I read from countless tabloids how her life was beginning to be more peachy with this actor and that model. I was jealous as hell. It didn’t help that I was cast as the villain. But I did not resent that, because I felt that way too. I broke her heart and probably deserved all the blame. But, I wasn’t going to give up. To me, it wasn’t like GOODBYE and HELLO! I treasured our broken relationship, enough to mourn its very death until the day it will be resurrected.

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Two months, sixteen days, five hours, eight minutes, ten seconds...

That was when I got my chance...my lifeline back to her heart.

My cellphone vibrated in my pocket ONE DAY. IT was a voice message from her.

She said, “HEY, IT’S ME! I need to talk to you. There are things needed to be said, questions needing answers...meet me at my house tomorrow at eight a.m. sharp. Don’t be late...”

And that is where I am standing now...in front of her house...seizing my one moment of redemption. I buzzed three times. IT wasn’t Kim though that opened the door...it was her brother John Paul. From the look on his face, I knew he wasn’t happy at all to see me. I didn’t mind. If I were him, I’d hate myself too.

“Is Kimmy there?” I asked.

John Paul didn’t answer back. He maintained his silent contempt of me. Instead, he handed me a sealed letter and a photograph. Then, he coldly shut the door.

Frankly, as I stood there in the cold balmy morning, a sense of curiosity entered me. I suddenly became aware of what was in the photograph. It was a picture of a house that I truly knew. At the back of the photograph, a note was written. It said, “Please don’t read the letter until you get to the place in this picture. Trust me...I’ll be there ---Kim.”

I smiled briefly. It was so Kim --- full of surprises. I hurriedly jumped into my car. I tried calling her but she wouldn’t pick up my call. I threw my phone away. That’ll be it. I’ll succumb to her plans now...whatever they were.

I couldn’t deny that she has awakened once again that adventurous spirit within me. From her apartment in Cubao, I drove with determination to that familiar home in Quezon City. I arrived there in record time. I looked at the picture fondly and the sprawling residence that the picture matched. Following her instructions, I opened the white envelope. I read the letter inside it. It said:

“Our journey together started here, in Big Brother house. I was then a shy girl from Cebu. You were the impressionable guy from Gen San. How simple were the times then. Our world was composed of four walls and each other. We didn’t think of people outside the house. We only thought of getting to know each other. And that, we did. We shared secrets...we shared our pains. I can truly say, it was where I first met my real self and most importantly, it was when I first met the real you.”

I folded the letter. What next? I stepped out of the car. I looked around and smelled the familiar scent of the big brother house. Yes , it has a scent to it. If you lived there for forty something days, you’ll get to know it too.

All of a sudden, a man approached me. I knew him.

“Gerald?”

It was Lauren Diyogi.

“Kapitan, musta na?” I greeted him.

“Okay naman, how about you?” he answered, shaking my hand.

“Heto...same-same...”

“What brings you here?”

“I don’t know, Direk. I felt like I needed to clear my mind...”

“And that brings you here?”

“I guess...” I said with a laugh.

“Maybe this will clear your mind better...” Direk Lauren said with a meaningful smile. He then pulled out another set of photograph and envelope.

“Did Kim give you this, Kap?” I asked.

“Sorry, I can’t tell you that!” he answered with a smile.

It was a picture of another place I knew. I flipped over the card, almost the same message appeared at the back of the photograph.

Only this time it said, “New beginnings...I was there. You were there too. I’ll be waiting...Kim.”

I scratched my head. I knew she wanted to tell me something. Something important enough to plan a quest as intricate as this.

“Thank you, Kap!” I shook Direk Lauren’s hand and hurriedly got into my car. I waved at him, as I stepped on my gas pedal.

I still had a long journey ahead, I knew that...but perhaps, my heart believed, this will be the biggest adventure of my lifetime.

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.
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An hour later, I was standing in front of Aliw Theater. I smiled broadly as the scenes from three years ago entered my mind. I hurriedly opened the letter as instructed. There, I read what she wrote:

“PRETEND that we are there in that holding room during the Dream Night. As we held hands, we both felt scared and nervous of what fate had in store for us. We didn’t know if people will approve of the relationship we had nurtured inside Kuya’s house. Thankfully, they did and I was happiest because of that. As I stepped out into the world where people screamed my name, all I heard was your voice. When you said how proud you were of me, I never felt more loved in my whole life. And now, as I think back, when they placed that crown unto my head, I may have been the grand winner, but my biggest prize was you.”

I felt the sudden rush of blood into my head. I felt tears stinging my eyes. Kim was never the person to wear her emotions on her sleeve. She always have this wall up...guarding her innermost feelings. As I read the letter, I sensed that her walls were finally crumbling down...and what she was revealing to me...was her pure heart.

As I wallowed in silent reverie, a gentle hand poked my back.

To my surprise, it was a little boy selling balloons on the streets.

“Are you Gerald?”

I nodded.

He smiled at me. “How do you know Tita Kim?”

“She’s a FRIEND OF MINE...” I answered.

“That’s what she said you’ll say. She said to give this to you...”

The little boy handed me the balloons. With that is a note and another photograph. This time I didn’t recognize where it was. It was merely a photo of hamburger and fries.

ON the back it said, “Endings are inevitable. Find me there...Kim.”

Suddenly, it grew clear to me where she wanted me to go. In my hurry, I released the balloons to the air. They slowly climbed the stratosphere, lost in the beauty of the skies. I then ran back to my car and drove with a carefree spirit. I never minded the traffic or the blazing heat of the sun. I was excited, confused, anxious...it was wonderful. I never felt more determined in my whole life though. Only now!

An hour later I found myself entering Jollibee. It was the branch where we taped the last scene from Sana Maulit Muli.
I sat on the table and ordered a burger and some fries.

But I wasn’t hungry, I was more excited to read what’s on the letter.

I hurriedly tore away the envelope and read what she wrote. She said...

“How fast came the days and the opportunities for us. Soon enough we found ourselves the bearers of our peers’ admiration. Countless endorsements, pictorials, shows came our way. It was one achievement after another. How far we’ve come from our PBB days! Then, came our biggest project, our baby...Sana Maulit Muli, our first major soap. We had the time of our lives doing it. As we finished taping SMM, I began to wonder if we were still the same persons we once were back in the day. I suddenly realized that we are not. We had grown tremendously, both mentally and emotionally. You grew up to be the strong, dependable person I always thought you’d be. With your help, I grew stronger too. I slowly began to shed the memories of my past. Slowly, I began to trust people again. But more importantly, I began to trust myself for my feelings for you. You made me believe I could love again. Soon enough, our love grew too. But as I think back, I began to wonder. Have we grown too far, too fast? ”

I slowly folded the letter. Guilt entered my mind. Maybe she was right. We might have grown too fast. I was the one to blame for that. I kept pushing our boundaries, testing our limits. But I can see now that we are two different people moving at two different paces. She wasn’t ready for it at all.

Suddenly, a waitress showed up beside me. ON her tray was another photograph and another letter. I smiled back at her. This time I didn’t ask her why. I just thanked her and hurriedly made my way out of the restaurant.

As I drove away, I read the note on the back of the card. It said, “Kisses...we’ve had many. But this was where I was swept off my feet. Find me there...Kim.”

I smiled at the memory of that kiss. I drove back to Manila. This time, to that storied fountain by Manila Bay.

I watched in wonder the countless people that came passing by. I sat by the fountain and sought refuge on my thoughts. It was the night we were filming My Girl --- the night that we did the kiss. Only a few people were there to witness it... a couple extras, the crew and me and her. Despite the impersonality of that location shoot, she and I found it intimate enough to put every passion into that kiss.

I opened the letter once again.

In it she said, “Our kisses were always sweet. My heart knew that, even before we ever did. I loved the way your lips perfectly fit mine. IT was as if my lips were made for you and yours were made for me. Remember this place? We were shooting My Girl and you caught me when I was falling down. With that one swift motion, you dipped me and kissed me tenderly. I told my friends, it was the day you had swept me off my feet. Choreographed or not, the effect was still the same. Our love radiates through our very pores. I say to them, we are no actors when it comes to the two of us. We act naturally...little did they know...we were not acting at all. When people say our chemistry is strong on screen, I would say to myself, it is not chemistry that they are seeing, but our genuine love for each other...”

I sat there for a few stirring moments, smiling and crying like a moron. But, I never felt so peaceful in my life. Why shouldn’t I be? I knew now she genuinely loved me.

Suddenly, I wondered who it was going to show me the next clue. I waited and waited, but nobody came.

I was almost going to give up when I heard my cellphone beep. IT was a picture message from her. I laughed at the picture. It was her monkey picture from one of our shows. I missed that picture. I smiled at the corresponding text message too.

“Your monkey next awaits you at this restaurant in Makati. Today is Friday and on FRIDAYS we often go out on a date! Order me my ice cream with M&M’s. See you there – Kim.”

I shook my head in a mixture of disbelief and admiration. How proud was I to be her boyfriend...once before. I gathered my things and sped up towards Makati. There I found the restaurant where she wanted me to be.

It was Italianis. I wondered why she asked me to be there. I entered the restaurant and sat down on one of the solitary tables. It was past lunchtime and not a lot of people were there.

A cheerful waiter approached me.

“Can I get your order sir?” he said.

“I just want Vanilla Ice Cream with M&M’s...do you guys have that?”

“I think we can manage that...” he said with a wink.

Then, he was gone.

When the jolly waiter came back, he had a heaping order of white ice cream peppered with the candy chocolate. On his tray, was another letter. I almost blurt out laughing much to the wonderment of the waiter. I immediately apologized for my candour.

It’s just that I was almost expecting him to bring me the letter...and that he did.

When he was gone, I opened the envelope.

“I chose this place because it reminded me of our first trip to Italy. It was the first time I really got to see the world...and I am glad I was with you. In the last three years, we had lived in a microscopic life, a life which is very limiting and very unforgiving. UNTIL THEN, I never realized that such places exist beyond my imagination. It really opened my eyes to a world much bigger than our own. That day, I realized too that I was even more happy because you were with me in all of those journeys. By the way, the ice cream...it reminded me of our first snow in Canada. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my life like a snow falling down from the skies. Thank you for being my travel partner and my tour guide.”

I enthusiastically ate my ice cream after that. Nothing tasted much sweeter.

As I finished my dessert, I began to wonder what was next. I was expecting somebody to come and bring me a letter but nobody did. Even the friendly waiter seemed to have no clue. With my spirits down, I headed out back into my car. I waited for further instructions from her. I was like a mad man waiting and willing my cellphone to ring. I really wanted to speak to her, to hear her voice again.

After an hour, I went almost crazy. I didn’t want it to end this way. Any other clue that will possibly lead me to her, I will take, be it at the ends of the earth.

Many things entered my mind --- Her and the many facets of her personality, occupying most of it. She was one person you ordinarily HATE TO LOVE. She was complicated and opinionated. But then, you find yourself loving her because of that. Loving her more than you ever thought you could.

Suddenly, my phone rang. My heart jumped. My sweaty hands nervously grappled my useless cellphone. I was almost half-mad when I found out it was actually my mom calling me.

“Mom, what is it?” I said rather impatiently.

“Wala naman, RJ. I’m just calling to remind you to go to church,” she said.

“Why, mom?”

“I just thought that you might be undergoing a difficult time...if you needed clarity, go to church.”

“Mom, it’s Friday!”

“Basta, if you have the time, go to church. You’ll find all the answers there.”

“Mom, wait...”

She hung up.

I began to wonder whatever came up to my mom to call me at this odd moment. There was something in the way she said ...”you’ll find the answers there...” I began to think deeply...psychoanalyzing every word she said.

Then, a thought entered my mind. Church. I suddenly realized that is where I needed to be...where Kim needed me to be.

I blasted my steering wheel in glee. I felt it in my heart. She will be there! I believed it. I knew she will be there! Waiting with the biggest embrace...she just had to be!

I drove with more intensity than ever. I gracefully s my way out of the Makati traffic. Even the massive build up in Pasay City could not dampen my spirits. I needed to get to Baclaran --- fast!

At long last, I found myself entering the solemn sanctuary which was Baclaran church. The first thought that came to mind, was to look for her inside the church. But then again, as I entered the doors, there I found a mass about to start. The church was jam packed. I sat on one of the few empty seats left, beside a lady and her child.

She smiled at me. I smiled back. The little kid beside her was grinning giddily. The little boy must have recognized me.

Then the lady spoke, “You’re Gerald Anderson, right?”

“Yes, maam...”

“What did you come to church for?” she asked.

“Are you asking for more shows?” said the kid beside her. “What more could you ask for, you have everything!”

The old lady immediately shushed him.

“I am looking for answers, really...” I answered truthfully.

“But...” muttered the kid.

“Everyone have their own problems, son. Each person has their own questions needing answers...” said the lady to boy. Then she looked at me, “You’ve come to the right place, Gerald.”

There was something in the way she had said it, that I felt very comforting. It felt like a wise angel was speaking to me, giving me directions.

The whole church then stood up for the opening procession. I felt myself lost into the meaning of it all. I never felt more calm and serene in my whole life. I suddenly feel the weight of my burden suddenly lifted from within me. It was the most powerful thing I have ever experienced in my life.

After the mass, I strode out of the church a renewed man. I smiled as I looked back at the very first time Kim and I went to church.

“Ge, promise me, that we will go to church together every Sundays...” she said.

“Why not?” I happily answered. Frankly, I was merely thinking of the time we will be together.

“We need to thank God for all of our blessings...” she said.

I did began to pray that day. I thanked God for all the shows, commercials, endorsements we were given. But I forgot the biggest blessing He had given me...Kim. I forgot to tell him, to not take her away from me. I forgot to ask for trust, guidance and more love into our relationship.

How could have I done that? The very person that holds my existence, I forgot to ask God for!

As we walked out of the church that Sunday morning, she held my hand.

“I am happy...” she whispered to me.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because I am with you...”

I answered her by squeezing her hand and giving her a smile.

“I wish this would go on forever...” she said with a sigh.

“Don’t worry, Kim, I’M SAVING FOREVER FOR YOU...” I answered.

She smiled back at me. "You're so corny!"

That smile. It was forever in my mind...imprinted in my soul for all eternity.

I shuffled my keys going back to my car. I understood now what Kim was trying to say. All this time, I have been blind. She loved me. She really loved me!

I knew right then and there why she wanted me to go through this experience. It was her way to make me look back into the things that made us happy...and to look back to the things that made us who we are now. She wanted to remind me of how long a journey we’ve been through together and how special it was for both us. I understood that now.

As I looked out to where my car was, a momentary sense of panic entered me. My car wasn’t there anymore. The first thought that entered my mind was my car had been carnapped. But when I saw the Ford Lynx parked where my car was...my heart skipped a beat.

At that moment, I just ran with reckless abandon. I didn’t care about my car and what people will say. I just ran towards the pink car parked where my car used to be.
And there she was. Standing beside it. She was as beautiful as ever. I ran even more....towards my KIM. She was my Kim... and she was mine all along.

“Kim...I have been looking all over for you!” I said out of breath.

“I know...” she said with a warm smile.

“I was beginning to worry why in each picture you said you’ll be there but you never showed up...”

“I didn’t say I’ll be there physically...” she explained. “You see, Ge. Our spirits reside on those places...”

“I thought I lost you forever!”

“Oh yes, I was lost...” Kim said. “for a while...but thank God you’ve found me...”

I hugged her with all of my love and strength.

“I love you Kim...”

“Ge, remember you asked me once, if I truly love you?”

“I’m sorry that I doubted that, baby...I know now...I really, really know now that you do...”

“I’m sorry if you had to go through all of that. I wanted you to know how in our happy times we were together...and now that we are in this difficult stage in our lives...how we needed to be together even more.”

“I’m sorry too, Kim. I wasn’t there for you...” I said, bowing my head down in shame. “But I know now not to do that again. I love you and that I want to spend more journeys with you.”

“Thank you...” Kim said.

“For what?”

“For looking for me...” she said. “You could have easily ran away but you stayed...”

“Didn’t I say that I will be there with you...and that even if you have gone away, I’ll try and find you...”

“And it comforts me knowing that you’ll do that each time...every time I’ll miss my step...you’ll be there to catch me...” Kim added.

“You’re wrong, Kim!” I said.

“About what?” she answered with trepidation.

“It was I that was lost...and it was you who found me...”

Her face lightened up. She flashed me that loving smile again.

“I love you, Gerald, ” she said, embracing me.

“And I believe you, Kim...” I said.

That's when I kissed her...again.

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As we looked back to that time we had our first quarrel Kim would always say to me...

"You're lucky I took you back!" she would say, playfully taking a jab at me.

"That's because you can't resist me..." I said.

"You really want to know why I took you back?"

She had always asked me that question and I would always give her the same answer.

"Because you loved me?" I answered.

"Not only that, but because you were with me when I needed you most..."

That, she would say each time.

And I believed that too. For statements of love is not enough sometimes...it's deciding to love a person beyond the I love you's...having that commitment ...is really what makes it all...extraordinary.

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THE END

jan30/09rc