7:17pm, 26^th December 2009

 

The snow feels heavy.

I’m finding it hard to breathe.

How I even managed to get here is an absolute wonder to me.

I don’t drink.

Nor do I smoke.

Why am I even here?

 

The smoke entwined in your exhaled breath hits me in the face.

I didn’t mean to cough, but my lungs weren’t exactly built to thrive on toxic chemical gases.

Pretty sure that yours weren’t either.

 

You asked me what was wrong.

And I almost forgot to laugh.

Where would I even start with the answer to that question?

Should I start off with saying I was uncomfortably cold?

Maybe I should mention that the second hand smoke was slowly deteriorating my body, instead.

Or perhaps the sight of you intentionally ruining your body was something I wanted to stop.

Or even the recent habits that you’ve picked up piss the living daylights out of me.

 

Damn it, Yeol.

Why are you so oblivious?

Why can’t you see that after all this time - even after all your other friends have ditched you – even after your family disowned you and kicked you out of the house… that I’m still here?

Is it really that difficult to link?

You’re killing me, Park Chanyeol… mentally and physically too.

And I don’t think I can take it anymore.

So I answered… and this time, it was truthfully.

 

---

 

You didn’t speak to me for a few minutes.

I remember trailing behind you, apologizing repeatedly.

But you weren’t having any of it.

Was it really that bad of a thing to do?

That in a moment where you thought you had no one to rely on, not a friend in a world… I chose to make myself available to you.

I wanted to give you hope.

I wanted to lend you my helping hand.

But with the rate at which you were walking away from me, it was as if I was the last thing you wanted to see on this earth.

 

This isn’t the way things were supposed to go.

You were meant to see me for what I was. Who I was.

You were meant to realise… that I was the one who’d always been there.

I was someone you could trust and rely on… someone who actually cared.

 

Fear threatened immobilized my body, but I couldn’t let it overtake me.

Too many a time before I’d messed it up for myself.

Too many a time I’d let opportunities pass me by.

I couldn’t fail myself again. Not today.

Because I hadn’t come all this way for nothing.

 

It was only when we got to the stoplights that you turned around and looked down at me with piercing eyes.

I’d never seen you so angry before.

My heart raced in an unsettling concoction of anxiety and fear, my knees felt as though they were going to give way.

 

‘You can’t love me.’ You said.

I didn’t believe it for a second.

As much as I wanted to argue back, I let you continue on.

I still don’t know whether that was out of respect or fear.

You said you were a mess – a ed up no brainer who had no future ahead of himself.

A useless member of society who was due to rot and die in alcohol.

 

You calmed down a bit after that.

I contemplated whether I should say something or not.

In the end, I decided to play safe; watching your chest rise and fall.

Your expression slowly drifted away from angry into a mix of guilt and sadness.

 

You said I was too good for you.

That I deserved someone better.

Someone smart, funny, and able to provide me with all of the world had to offer.

But still; my gut told me no.

 

You stared at me for the longest time.

I wasn’t sure what I was hoping for while standing there.

Stupid as it sounds, I could only feed a response through my eyes.

Neither of us are telepathic – it doesn’t take a genius to know we aren’t.

But even though I could feel my heart cracking, and the tears in my eyes welling… I held my ground.

Because something deep inside me told me that it was worth a try.

Did they ever reach you?

I like to think they did.

Because when the stoplight turned green, you didn’t leave.

Instead you wrapped your arm around my neck and hooked me in.

My eyes fluttered shut and before I could process, things were already moving to another place.

You forced my lips open, and in the unforgiving snowy streets of Seoul, ravished all of what I had without mercy.

Was it appropriate?

Far from it.

But it didn’t matter.

Because when you pulled away and looked down at me, I knew there wasn’t really any going back.

 

My heart dropped when you turned to leave.

And in a moment if panic I leapt on to you, taking hold of your waist.

I wasn’t done.

I didn’t want it to end.

Not now.

I could hear the restraint in your voice as you told me ‘Let go, Baek.’

I merely gave a disapproving grunt before holding you tighter and burying my face in your back.

It was a drastic move – one that was completely out of character.

But desperate times call for desperate measures.

And I wasn’t ready to lose you yet.

 

I’m not sure how long we stayed there.

Thinking back on it, it was quite embarrassing.

I was acting like a toddler in Toys R Us.

But at least this tantrum was one that left at least one of us being happy.

 

Maybe one day, when we’re old and wrinkly – you’ll be happy too.

But for now, it’ll be icy pathways, decorated with snow and the silent agony of a one-sided love.

 

 

 

Hope it wasn't that bad... :) Thank you for your time!