Story title:  My Handsome Neighbour

Author: hanhyunah1117

Reviewer: suzyelf

Title:  1.5/5 points

My Handsome Neighbour is a very straightforward title. However, there are pros and cons regarding this kind of title. In your case, your title does not reveal much at the first glance, but the readers still have an idea as of what kind of story it is. Though the title suggests a romcom involving an attractive male protagonist living next door, it was not an unique title. There is a variety of titles on AFF evolve around the noun “neighbour”. Moreover, let’s not forget that there are plenty of titles use the similar structure, such as “My Hot Bodyguard” or  “My Boss”, etc. You can change it once you thought of a title that is unique and related to your story. You can start by thinking about the story’s or a special thing that your story owns.

Description/Foreword :  8/10 points

I do not have many problems from reading the description and the foreword. It is short and sweet without revealing too much nor being too vague. The only problem is the grammar.

Original:

My parents are very busy persons. I've just stayed in Seoul for 1 year and they want to move again? Because of their work? NO WAY!

I'm staying here. Eventhough i have to live alone. i can totally live alone, as long as it is in Seoul.

The apartment is good. and the neighbour is.....

Corrections:

My parents are very busy. I've just been staying in Seoul for one year and they want to move again? Because of their work? No way!

I'm staying here, even though I have to live alone. I can totally live alone, as long as it is in Seoul.

The apartment is good and the neighbour is.....

One last friendly reminder, have you thought of requesting a poster for you story? You can go find a graphic shop by searching on AFF instead of waiting for a graphic designer to approach you. An appropriate and attractive poster can draw in more readers.

Presentation:  2.5/5 points

While you did a good job breaking up the paragraphs, the overall presentation of the story is unimpressive. Besides the fact that coloured texts are irking for a lot of the readers, colour coding is also a lazy way for the authors to skip out descriptions. It makes the story less rich and more bland. The usage of emoticons poses the same issue. You should describe your character's’ emotions with words.

Furthermore, the chapter titles summarize the whole story, which is not good at all. The readers would not be motivated if they can predict what is going to happen next.

Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation:  10.5/15 points

The violations of basic grammar rules are distracting. First of all, you need to capitalize the “I”’s. Secondly, you need to figure out when to use “on” and “at”. Furthermore, never use asterisks (*) to indicate inner thoughts. Italics would look more professional. As for  your vocabulary, it is quite limited. Many emotions could not be demonstrated at a meaningful level. I will talk about other common errors using examples.

Ch. 1:

Original: I woke up earlier this morning eventhough it is Sunday.

Correction: I woke up earlier this morning even though it is Sunday.

Notes: “Even” and “though” are two separate words.

Ch. 4:

Original: "Your wish!" She answered.

Correction: "You wish!" She answered.

Ch. 5:

Original: I was never expected it anyway.

Correction: I never expected it anyway.

Ch. 6:

Original: “... You better start study again too…”

Correction: “... You better start studying again too…”

Notes: The verb that is after the first verb usually ends with “-ing”.

Ch. 8:

Original: “Hahahaaa.”

Correction: “Haha.”

Notes: “Hahahaaa” simply does not exist and makes your writing looks like an amateur’s.

Ch. 25:

Original: After L. Joe gone

Correction: After L. Joe was gone, it was only Sooyun and me left.

Notes: Instead of using a fragmental sentence to make a transition, try to describe what is happening using full sentences.

Writing Style: 2/5 points

Your writing style is too simple, especially your vocabulary and descriptions. If the readers cannot feel what your characters feel, the story would not be entertaining. Moreover, you always use explicit method to narrate your story. For example, “After 20 minutes journey, i finally arrived at school. I went to my locker and took some books from it. Then, i went straight to my class.” There’s one more problem with this sentence: it is incredibly dull. If your readers are annoyed by their own daily routine, then they are most likely annoyed by the characters’ routines. You should use a mix of implicit and explicit methods to tell your story. It will liven up your story and makes it entertaining. For example, to show that the character is scared, try “I shiver upon hearing his footsteps.”

Overall Plot: 5.5/15 points

My Handsome Neighbour has a skeleton of a Korean drama. While the scenes where Sooyun and L. Joe talking through the windows are adorable, but the story lacks drama. There was nothing going on, if there was, the readers cannot see them! Sooyun got close to Chunji and eventually became his girlfriend through texting. Most of the time, the readers do not know what they typically talk about. Dialogues can tell so much about a person from their hobbies to their past and to their dreams. I am extremely disappointed that you skipped the necessary details. They would explain why and how Sooyun and Chunji fell in love and it would make the story much more believeable and affective.

As the story draws to the end, Chunji suddenly had to go abroad so that the main pairing (Sooyun and L. Joe) could be together. It was too convenient for an ending. There was no effort considered as of how the story would end. It was unpredictable in a horrible way. There should be at least hints throughout the story before Chunji was leaving. It was too abrupt for an ending.

Overall, the love story is immature. It was clearly inspired by real life high school’s relationships, but then again, real life is not always adventurous enough to make a good story. You need some imagination to spice things up.

Conflicts: 3.5/5 points

As soon as the readers read the title, they understood that the main conflict would be Sooyun VS. the Handsome Neighbour. As the story progresses, L. Joe’s struggle was visible. He is torn between his own feeling for Sooyun and his best friend Chunji’s feeling. Although the tension amongst the love triangle was visible, it was not as emotionally impactful as it could be. The ways the characters chose to deal with their problems were immature. The potential achievement of the conflicts were not fully met.

Originality/Creativity: 1.5/5 points

The story is cliche, but it is not as bad as the plotline where the OC moves in with the idol or the worker or the classmate. I am also disappointed with the lack of plot twists. Without plot twists, the story is predictable and boring.  The readers have one more reason not to read the story.

Flow/Pacing:  2.5/5 points

The pace of the story is alright, though Sooyun fell in love with the boys too fast. In fact, I cannot even see the process as of how she came to like them. The worst of all is that the story was a humongous list of her daily routines. Again, the readers have no interest in knowing “she did this” or “she did that”. The narration dragged down the quality of the flow and the story in general.

Characterization: 15/30 points

Throughout the story, it was irritating how little credit you gave to your characters. Sooyun fell for L. Joe and Chunji because they were “nice.” However, the two males are much more than just being a nice guy. The problem lied within Sooyun. It was as if she did not explore their personalities deeper. In addition, the three characters were flat.

Sooyun: While she was relatable at times with her down-to-earth image, she is a flat character. She only possesses one or two traits and by the end of the story, I still don’t know her as a person. All I understood is that she was very clueless to L. Joe’s feeling. Also, she was easily persuaded to accept both confessions. There was no back story whatsoever to support her decisions. Main characters in a story should be round. They have many relatable characteristics. They can also be dynamic. The readers love to see characters learning a valuable lesson by the end of a story and become a better person. Next time, you can base your OC after someone interesting or combine traits you find from other people. Moreover, you can try to give her some habits or trademarks that would distinguish her apart from all the other OCs.

L. Joe: He was the best developed character in the story. He had a reputation of a bad boy but he was actually considerate and open-minded. He was willing to study under Sooyun’s influence. He was sweet to both Sooyun and Chunji. L. Joe was too level-headed, yet, he displayed his passionate side when he hit Chunji out of jealousy. Though L. Joe was interesting, his character could be labelled as stereotypical. If you had given him a nice twist or an out-of-place characteristic, L. Joe would be extra engaging. He has the potential to become more than a nice guy.

Chunji: It is great that L. Joe and Chunji are distinguishable. Chunji is evidently different from L. Joe. Chunji is outgoing and aggressive comparing to L. Joe. He also expresses his true feeling well most of the time. However, it was disappointing that an expressive guy like Chunji would deal with Sooyun in a childish manner. Not only did he initially disappeared and made Sooyun worried, he had little remorse when he broke up with her. It was questionable whether or not he had loved her for the past six months. Despite of the illogical decision, Chunji was a thoughtful friend to L. Joe. He encouraged L. Joe to confess to Sooyun before he left for England. He understood that it was the best ending for all of them.

On a positive note, your characters’ voices are different from each other. I could tell who’s speaking without the colour codes.

Personal enjoyment: n/a

The highlight of this story was L. Joe. He was such a sweetheart. Please don’t be discouraged by this critical review. There are ways for you to improve, such as read more published books. You can also read more writing tips from this website:  http://www.writersdigest.com/. If you want inspirations, you should go out more and experience different things. New environments would give you wonderful ideas. Please don’t give up on writing!