Everyone knew Taeyang. He was YG Entertainments singing, dancing, y member of popular boy band BIGBANG.

Not so many people knew Youngbae, the shy and innocent person he became once off stage. 

He tried to change his reputation, wanting to permanently become the Taeyang that everyone loved. He improved his dance skills even more by dancing for hours on end in the studio. He practised singing every.Single. Night.

When none of that seemed to help he started to frequent the gym and naturally, this is where he met her.

The love of his life.

She entered the gym and his body reacted as if someone had thrown a bucket of icy water over him. Goosebumps rose across his skin, a shiver travelled through his whole body and he took in an involuntary breath of air.

Back then she was nothing special. Her hair was naturally brown, her eyes simple yet kind and her face still holding onto its childish roundness. She was YG’s newest trainee to debut.

Lee Chaerin. Now known by everyone as CL, the queen of k pop.

Youngbae watched as she grew and as she improved. She dyed her hair blonde, applied layers of black around those kind eyes and her face became angular.  Of course he found her attractive still, but it made him sad. She was so beautiful anyway he didn’t want her to change a thing.

They rarely spoke around the YG building, but he saw her backstage when BIGBANG performed, clapping along with their performances.  This only encouraged him more to become Taeyang permanently.

Who would want to date Youngbae when compared to someone like Taeyang?  He started to only express his true feelings through song lyrics which he wrote late at night.

His first ever song was ‘Ma Girl’

Baby girl since the first time I saw you, you know, my heart felt it was destiny oh. You’re the only one that comes to mind every day, I close my eyes again today to picture you.

The song was what got him through for a while. It made him feel as if he had confessed somehow.

Yet his efforts were in vain when he heard Chaerin talking to her other band members in the practise room as he passed by.

“Don’t you think Teddy Oppa is handsome?”

“He’s okay… Omo~ does chaerinnie have a crush?” He heard Bom answer back.

He could have fallen to his knees at that moment as he weakly listened in for Chaerin’s answer.

“Oh look eonni has turned pink!” He heard Minzy say. He dared to peak through the gap of the door into the practise room and sure enough Chaerin was starting to cover up her red cheeks.

Youngbae’s mind exploded with images of Chaerin and Teddy together. Sharing ice-cream, walking hand in hand, kissing… getting married.

He sprinted to the gym and ran as hard as he could on the treadmill. But no matter how hard he ran he could not escape from reality. The girl he loves likes someone else.

He hadn’t realised that he had slowed his pace and he stumbled as the treadmill now moved too quickly, throwing him off.  

“Hyung! Are you okay?” Daesung asked, running over.

Tears had formed without consent in Youngbae’s eyes and he looked pitifully up at Daesung.

Daesung was the only one that he ever told his true feelings to. He was the only one that Youngbae could trust.

That night he couldn’t stop himself from writing a new song, this one titled Wedding Dress.

I can see you in your wedding dress…

Ballad after Ballad Youngbae wrote his feelings, hoping that they would reach the one he truly loved. Of course, how would she know that they were written about her? She only had eyes for someone else.

But maybe that was the problem. They were ballads. They were innocent, just like Youngbae. Maybe he needed to show more of the Taeyang side of him.

He wrote next Ringa Linga, hoping to gain attention. And he must admit it almost worked.

“Your new song is amazing!” Chaerin personally complimented him after he finished his first performance.

“Thank you. I wrote it hoping to show that there are more sides to me than what you first see.” He said, trying to stop the blush he wanted so badly to let flush his face.

“Well I think you did that tonight! It stood out a mile from your usual ballads, well done taeyangie!” She said chuckling before leaving him to re-join her band members.

Youngbae should have felt happy but he didn’t. What he had just peformed… It was all Taeyang. She had even called him Taeyang and not Youngbae. The lyrics just sounded good, but they didn’t contain the feelings he had originally meant to convey.

For weeks onwards Youngbae locked himself in his room at the dorm, writing more lyrics. They needed the style of Taeyang that would grab everyone’s attention, but they needed the feelings of Youngbae.

He had to make her see!

He started to invite Chaerin to spend time with him. They would work together in the gym training and they would star in each other’s music videos. All he wanted was to get closer to her.

He wanted her to see him.

All she saw was Taeyang. Could she really not see?

Late at night, unable to sleep, he devised a plan. The next morning he instantly set out to make it happen, not wanting to bail out by thinking about it for longer.

“Chaerin…” He said slowly when they worked together in the gym.

“What is it?” She asked smiling at him, sweat glistened at her hair line and he involuntarily gulped.

“Well, I’m writing a solo-album at the moment…” He started.

“Really? Awesome!” She said cheerfully.

“Yeah well, there’s a few things I wanted to ask.” He said nervously. She gave him a look that pressed for him to continue. “Would you mind doing a little something for one of the songs? Only I need a female rapper and you’re the best around.” Okay so that was one of the things he had wanted to ask but he didn’t have the confidence to ask the next question. He would save that until another time.

“I’d love to!” She said excitedly. “Starring on Taeyang’s solo album! Sound’s good.”

They arranged a time to meet in the recording studio and Youngbae quickly gathered his lyric sheets, and planning in his head.

He really hoped this worked.

They met later that night and Youngbae sat down with Chaerin, showing her the sheets of lyrics he had prepared.

“All I need you to do is just this line. But I want to know what you think of the rest of the song. Actually, would it be okay if I warm my voice up by singing some of the other songs I’ve written?”

She nodded her agreement and he stood up, heading through into the recording booth. He stared through the glass to where she was looking expectantly at him and he gave it his all. All of the years of practise, all of the training, all of the love he had built up.  He sang his heart out.

Firstly he sang 1am.

I get drunk in the music, dance holding on to the end of the night, and when I think of you it’s 1am. After laughing it off like I have forgotten about you, I stay up all night with strange faces. I dance holding on to the end of the night, and when I think of you it’s 1am.

He finished and gave himself a short breather, returning to the same room as Chaerin so he could drink some water.

“That was amazing. Those lyrics seemed so genuine. How do you write that?”

He looked into her eyes for a moment, trying to pass on what he was too scared to say in real life.

“A close friend told me how he feels about a girl he knows.” Taeyang said. “He said he’s too scared to ask her out and so he wanted to convey his love through art.  It motivated me to write these.” He said, gesturing to the sheets in front of him.

He entered the booth once again to sing his next song. Chaerin leant forward eagerly; his music seemed to pull her in.

I get everything I’ve wanted, but I can’t get what I need…

It’s meaningless without you, there’s no me without you. Though I let go of the world, it’s okay if there’s only you left inside me. Baby I will never let you go, much greed that was covering my eyes. Selfishness filling my hands, I let go of everything on my way to you. Let go of the past days, the scar that was hurting my heart, the memory that suffocated me. Let go of everything on my way to you.

Chaerin gave Youngbae an odd look when he re-entered the room.

“What is it?” He asked, sitting down and sipping on a bottle of water.

“The lyrics… You’re either a really good actor or… Have you experienced this yourself?”

Youngbae looked down and played nervously with the bottom of his shirt.

“Well, there is one girl I have loved since the first time I ever saw her.” Youngbae cautiously started.

“Why don’t you confess? Or did she turn you away?” Chaerin asked.

“I once over heard her saying that she liked someone else.”  Youngbae said indifferently.

Chaerin looked upon him with pity.

“Hey until you ask you’ll never know if you stand a chance. Even if you get turned away then your true feelings are known, are they not? At least that rules it all out one way or another.”

Youngbae nodded slightly.

“Anyway, we’re here to record this song here.” Youngbae said, pointing at the music sheets in front of Chaerin. “It’s a song called body.”

He returned to the booth for a third time and waited for the music he had prepared to start.

I’m still surprised though I see you so often; your perfection makes me dance.
Your prim body seems like your personality, when I see you my body goes like aaah~

Your long straight legs, thin and pretty waist, fragrant brown hair. It makes me alive and breathing.

Your body’s so beautiful, Your body’s so beautiful, Your body’s so beautiful, Your body’s so beautiful, Your body’s so beautiful.

When he had finished singing his parts to perfection almost two hours had passed. For him, time was going too quickly though.

“It’s your turn to do your part now.” He said kindly, handing her the lyric sheet. “It’s just these two lines here.”

She stepped into the booth and prepared to sing the few lines.

“My head, shoulders, knees and toes.  It’s better than yours!” She looked through the glass. “How was that?”

“Could you sing it a little more like this:” He said, demonstrating to her on how to she should sing it.

He made her repeat the same line several times before he said he was happy.

He slowly packed his sheets up and they chatted for a little while longer.

He decided to put his plan B into action.

“Actually, I’m planning on doing something in one of my music videos that I’m really nervous about.” He said, looking down anxiously.

“What is it?” She asked.

“To carry across the longing in the music video, I want to do a kiss scene with a female actress.” He said. She seemed shocked, but smiled after a moment.

“Wow that would be amazing. I’m sure you’ll pull it off fine.”

“The thing is, I don’t know how I’m going to kiss another girl when the song is about someone else. And it’s kind of embarrassing being filmed while kissing. I have no idea how I’m going to do it.”

“Well you kissed a girl in one of your other music videos.” Chaerin pointed out. Youngbae thought back to that kiss. It had actually been his first ever kiss, taken by an actress in a completely false situation. It had taken him a long while to get over that.

“Well, I plan this kiss to be much more passionate…” He said.

“Then just imagine it’s the girl you want to be kissing. Close your eyes and imagine that it’s her, then you’re feelings will really come through.”

“I suppose that will have to do.” He said sadly. Chaerin started to realised Youngbae’s feelings for the girl and how much it must hurt him that he couldn’t have her. The expression on his face made her own heart hurt.

“I’m sorry that you’re hurting so much because of this girl. She’s a fool for not realising your potential.”

Youngbae’s heart hurt even more at this comment. He looked Chaerin in the eyes, searching for a sign that she might realise that the girl is her.  

Not a single sign.

Later that night Youngbae lay awake as normal. He felt worse than usual though. She really didn’t realise that it was her. That meant she wasn’t looking for signs that it could be her. That meant she didn’t like him. She probably really did like Teddy.

The thoughts made Youngbae fall into a spiral of depression.

 

He prayed to god again and again, asking to be forgiven for all of his sins he had ever committed in both this life and any past life he had ever lived. For the only reason he could see that he would fall in love with a girl who couldn’t love him back was to punish him.

He met Chaerin again in the gym the next morning. 

“I had one of your songs stuck in my head all night! You better make that up to me.” She joked the moment she saw him.

 His heart fluttered.

“They must have really struck a chord within you.” He teased.  “Does that mean there’s someone you like that you can’t tell?” He put a smile on his face but his insides felt as if they were turning to stone, waiting for a blow to smash him to pieces.

“There might be one guy that I like…” She said, a cute smile on her face.

“Hey you can’t leave it at that!” He said, lightly punching her shoulder as she ran on the running machine beside him.

“Well you didn’t tell me about the girl that you like last night.”

That silenced Youngbae.

They continued exercising for a while longer before Youngbae left to shower. On his way back to his dorm he saw Chaerin and Teddy talking in a hallway.

Jealousy filled him and he snuck closer, trying to listen to the conversation.

“Oppa, talking to someone last night I realised something.” She had never called Youngbae Oppa.

“What is it?” Teddy asked, looking concerned.

“The only way I can feel better is if I confess to the person I like. Because even if they don’t like me back at least I will have my answer and can move on.”  This can’t be happening. It really was Teddy all along.

“So then tell him.” Teddy said, patting her shoulder.

“I’m still too scared.” She admit, biting her lip. There was quiet for a moment until she said. “Okay… Oppa would you come here a moment.” Teddy moved forwards and Chaerin whispered into his ear. He looked shocked and then happy.

“Really?” He asked. “I honestly didn’t expect that…  my answer is yes of course! Pabo you should have just said so all along.”

Youngbae couldn’t listen anymore.

He walked away with his soul snapped in two.

Returning to his room with two bottles of soju he wrote yet another song.

 

You think my heart will be okay, you think I don’t bleed when I’m pricked. But what gives me illness is the medicine which makes me breathe. How can I stop you?

Yes Whatever you do, it’s okay that I can endure. Even my everything dies, it’s okay if only you can breathe.
Girl I’m gonna love you, because of you everything is breaking apart.

It can’t be not you. Wanting you, who don’t want me. If that’s my guilt, I’m willing to be punished
I’m gonna love you to death, I’m gonna love you to death!

Everyone tells me that I can breathe if I stay away, away from you
My heart says at the moment I stay away, away from you; I die.  I’ll swallow poison for you, I’ll never wake up drunken in you, I can’t be stay away, away from you.

Why don’t you know? Even I go mad being like this. If it’s because of you, it’s alright
I hope my heaven and hell are all you, Girl I’m gonna love you.

You think my heart will be okay, You think I don’t bleed when I’m pricked but what gives me illness is the medicine which makes me breathe. How can I stop you?

Yes Whatever you do, it’s okay that I can endure, even my everything dies, it’s okay if only you can breathe

Girl I’m gonna love you, because of you everything is breaking apart. It can’t be not you! Wanting you, who don’t want me. If that’s my guilt, I’m willing to be punished. I’m gonna love you to death, I’m gonna love you to death!

Everyone tells me that I can breathe if I stay away, away from you. My heart says at the moment I stay away, away from you; I die.

I’ll swallow poison for you! I’ll never wake up drunken in you! I can’t be stay away, away from you!

Why don’t you know? Even I go mad being like this. If it’s because of you, it’s alright

I hope my heaven and hell are all you. Girl I’m gonna love you, Because of you everything is breaking apart. It can’t be not you! Wanting you, who don’t want me. If that’s my guilt, I’m willing to be punished I’m gonna love you to death, I’m gonna love you to death

Even if I can’t open my eyes swallowed by darkness! Even if I’m branded which cannot be erased!

Can you breathe with the love itself? Can you endure me even if it hurts like death?

Girl I’m gonna love you; It’s more than death If there is no you

It must be you! Wanting you who don’t want me, If that’s my fate, I’ll accept everything.

I’m gonna love you to death, I’m gonna love you to death!

Because of you everything is breaking apart, It can’t be not you. Wanting you, who don’t want me, If that’s my guilt, I’m willing to be punished! I’m gonna love you to death. I’m gonna love you to death.

Even if I can’t open my eyes swallowed by darkness. Even if I’m branded which cannot be erased
Can you breathe with the love itself? Can you endure me even it hurts like death?

Girl I’m gonna love you, It’s more than death if there is no you.
It must be you! Wanting you who don’t want me. If that’s my fate, I’ll accept everything.

I’m gonna love you to death, I’m gonna love you to death…

 

He finished writing and noticed that somehow he had drunk both bottles of soju. Staggering out of his room he made his way out of the dorm. Daesung had looked at him worriedly as he left but Youngbae paid him no attention. The only thing on Youngbae’s mind was that Chaerin had confessed to Teddy. And most ridiculously of all it was his failed attempts at confessing that had led her to do so.

He angrily threw open the doors to the building and started to walk swiftly away, however realising too late that fans waited outside of the building he made a run for it, not having any disguise to stop them from recognising him the fans soon took chase.

After stumbling for as far as he could he became desperate. He pushed a man off of his bike and jumped on, riding off as fast as he could.

When he started to lose the fans a wild laugh left his mouth. He laughed hysterically until it turned into sobs. Gut-wrenching sobs of pain that he had built up.

Buying more bottles of soju he rode off into the night, drinking with one hand and steering the bike with the other, now past caring for his safety.

The alcohol in his system meant that he rode haphazardly regardless, but the tears obscured his vision and the pain took over his common sense.

He rode for miles and miles, never wanting to come back. He cycled up the middle of roads, not stopping at red lights and certainly not stopping for cars. God had already decided his punishment.

 

Chaerin wept her heart out, as did thousands of people around the world. Clutching the letter she had been given by Daesung she stepped forward and placed the first rose on the coffin. Unable to watch the others do the same, she reread the letter.  The paper had been found in Youngbae’s room after a search by police, after finding no use for them they had given them back, and Daesung had decided to give them to their rightful owner.

Daesung had explained what Youngbae had told him before handing over the letter. It contained a compilation of all of the songs Youngbae had ever written. The last of which was titled, ‘My Chaerin, I love you to death’.

Her legs giving out as her world shattered, she could only repeat the same thing over and over and she furiously beat the ground at her feet. “I was about to confess to you, you idiot. All along it was you. Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot…”

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This is the first part of the two shot 'Your Body, My Body'. I have always shipped Taeyang and CL, and since I've been in a pretty angsty mood today I decided to write this while listening to the new album. 

Tell me what you think in the comments! It will only take you a moment and I always read every comment. Each one helps me to improve and understand what my readers do and don't want to read.

Thank you all for reading!

-1990stalker-