Fingertips slowly traced down bare skin, feeling the tiny ridges of toned and lean muscles before stopping their track right at the lower back, light pressure added on before the fingers were gone with a fleeting kiss on the shoulder.

Himchan couldn't count how many times he had woken up like that, to feel the affectionate touch and to hear the door open and close only seconds after, leaving behind a cold gush of air and hollow silence that seemed so much heavier each time.

With the sheet protecting his pale, now bruised body, the younger man moved up from the bed, his steps light and soundless as he approached the window. 
It was so familiar. The sight of the trees swaying outside and the glowing of the tail light from Yongguk's motorcycle in the early morning. It could barely even be considered morning, thought Himchan. Yongguk always left before the sun came up. Always.
Himchan would stay though. He'd wait for the sun to rise above the buildings, brightness overtaking the night but it never seemed to change the brunette's mood. It felt like inside his head, it was always raining.

Except for when he was with Yongguk. Then he was on fire, a raging storm of passion and lust tearing him apart, touch by touch, breath by breath. 
His gaze turned lazily to the bed that was still toussled up after last night, images of the way Yongguk had been flashing through his mind.  

Why won't he just end this?

How long has it been now?

The sun was already burning hot once Himchan made his way outside, hair still toussled up but he couldn't care that much. With his eyes covered by shades, the only gift Yongguk had ever given him, he started his long treck to work. He could have taken the bus, but breathing outside felt better. It was easier to think.
Though he seemed to think of the wrong things. 
Like how they met.

How Yongguk had been like a god in the eyes of young student Himchan, the shy new guy who had ended up at the shady jazz bar because of heavy rain. 
He had sat down at one of the tables at the side, clutching a warm beverage in his hands which contained alcohol; How much, he hadn't known. All he could remember was that the drink smelled sweet and burned his throat.

It had been then that through the blue smoke, the spotlight landed on a smile unlike Himchan had ever seen before. The rest of the bar seemed to go on with their own businesses, even as the music started to flow out from the rather beaten up guitar. 
Few others may have been staring at well, or so Himchan had always guessed, but he didn't know for himself.
All he knew was that he had sat there quietly for almost two hours, eyes never leaving the attractive man who sang a song after another, each of them so sorrowful and heartclenching that Himchan had started to think he had imagined the smile before.

He could still remember the way his heart had jolted each time Yongguk's gaze locked with his. Despite all the saddness in his voice, there was some spark in his eyes that made Himchan unable to look away, something made him sink in deeper and deeper.

Too deep. 

Before long, he had found himself reoccuringly in Yongguk's bed, giving his all to the older. 
But that had been all there was to it. 

Yongguk would make him feel needed, desired and wanted. He would treat Himchan like the most delicate treasure in the whole world.
Only to get up early in the morning without even bidding goodbye. 
Himchan had just accepted that.

He never had any other choice really.

Yongguk, his Yongguk, had already been engaged to someone else.
Himchan was the one digging around in the wrong sandbox. 
He had received her full resentment. 

Himchan just wanted Yongguk to be happy.

Didn't she want the same for him as well?

There had been so many times where he wanted to end it all,
where he had decided to not open the door for the older anymore, that he would cut out all ties he had ever had with the other. 
But as they say, history tends to repeat itself.
And on this matter, history repeated a lot. 
Sometimes Himchan felt like his whole life was just a broken record machine, the stop button far too broken to be repaired.

Now don't get it wrong.
Yongguk wasn't an towards Himchan.
Not at all. Infact, there had been a long while where they had been something more than just friends with benefits. An era in which Himchan had been the one to stand by Yongguk, the one who stood as his support and helping hand while Yongguk tried to soar for his goals.

Until she came in.

The whirlwind that messed up both Himchan and Yongguk.

Her scent, her smile. Her soft skin.

Oh, how Himchan had resented her.

He still did, in a way. 

Yet, Yongguk was still his. 

At least once or twice a week, when they would hide in the apartment at the far end of town.
Their own space.

Where no one could see them, where the whole world was theirs for taking.
Except everything they needed was right there, in their arms.
Yet it had never been said aloud. 

Another morning came, but this time Himchan had woken alone.
He had brushed his teeth and combed his hair with painstakingly precise effort.
Everything had to be perfect.

Everything was perfect.

The smiles, the music. The way happy chit-chatter filled the room, glasses clinking and laughter erupting every now and then.

Yongguk looked perfect.

Himchan adored the tux on his well-framed shoulders.
He had been there to help Yongguk pick out his outfit, making sure it hugged his body  perfectly, and the colour matched his skintone.
Himchan had really seen more effort with Yongguk than he had with himself.

His gaze moved from Yongguk to the woman dressed in white. Her smile so bright and radient that it stung Himchan. 

Why was she so happy?

Why didn't Himchan feel the same?

Forced smile grazed his lips as she waved at him and Himchan lifted his glass in a greeting before her attention was turned back to the people that stood around her, and she showed off her ring to them with a neverending laughter to her voice.

How could a heavenly sound like that only bring pain to him. 

Air.

Himchan decided he needed air as he saw her fixing the tie on Yongguk's neck.

She shouldn't be doing that.

Stars were out. The night was bright and warm, with a salty smell in the air, carried over to the house by the soft sea breeze.
Himchan's feet carried him through the sand and along the dock while his mind soared up high to the stars.
The sounds of the party had dimmed down and were now replaced by the lulling tune of the waves. 

Was it always this quiet at night?

Himchan smiled as he thought back to the times he had been to the beach with Yongguk.
The way his arms had clutched to Yongguk's torso in fear while the older had just happily laughed and sped up his motorcycle, the engine roaring powerfully. 
Despite the way Himchan had screamed for the other to slow down, Yongguk never did.
Not when he could hear the laughter in Himchan's voice.

Oh, what he would give to have those times back.
But there was no chance for that anymore.

Nothing would ever be the same again.

Yongguk had said so as well. 

That their last time had been the final one.

Dull, faint thuds sounded in the air as Himchan's tears fell heavily.
He wished he could be embraced by the older one.
To just once more fall asleep in to the warm embrace that protected him from the clutches of night.

The silence of the night was suddenly broken with the sound of feet rushing on wood,
someone was screaming.

Someone was calling for his name just as Himchan felt the world tip over and he found himself surrounded by different darkness.

Cold. Suffocating.

Pain shocking through his body as he tried to gasp for breath, it felt like a hundred needles had pierced his lungs.

Then, nothing. 

Himchan had been sure he'd never open his eyes again.
But he did.

He woke up to the piercing sound of sirens, red and blue lights and voices talking too loudly above him.
But most of all, he could feel the hand grasping tightly onto his.
He knew that warmth. 

Hazily, he sought with his gaze to find Yongguk sat beside him, face conforted in pain.
"Himchan?"

The brunette could only nod, fingers weakly squeezing back the hand wrapped around his own.

"Why?... You're a ing idiot, you know that?"

"I know."

He could feel Yongguk's thumb caressing the back of his hand, but the voices seemed to grow more further away.

"Don't you dare close your eyes."
The voice was stern, strong and enough to make Himchan refocus his gaze, the effort more tiring than it should have been.

"I'm sorry."

"You never answered me."

I did. Himchan thought as he felt his eyes sliding closed again but he forced them to snap open.

"You know it already."

"I want to hear it." 

Here we go again.

"Why?"

"I want to know... Why didn't you stop me from going, why didn't you tell me how much pain you were in?"

A moment of silence and Yongguk feared that the younger had lost consciousness again.

"Because... It was already too late."

"It wasn't. You could have still made the choice. We... We could have still been... "

"No. I was in the way of your career."

"I care for you more than I care for my career."

"Shut up..." 

"I won't. And you better not shut up either."

There was a panicked command coming from the paramedic, though Himchan couldn't quite make out what he was saying,
but he could see Yongguk's eyes flashing with pain and panic.

Himchan never wanted to cause that.
"Yongguk..."

Even his own voice sounded distant now.

"I'm... Right here." 

The hold on his hand tightened and Himchan managed a small smile.
He had really messed up.
In that moment, he understood everything, all the little ways Yongguk had tried to win him over.
But Himchan had been the one running away, he had been the insecure one who kept on pushing and pulling.
While Yongguk waited through it all. 
Patiently.

"I'm sorry." Himchan croaked out again, though this time it was even harder to speak.

"Yongguk?"
His voice gained more panic as he couldn't hear the other, but as Yongguk's face returned to his vision the younger one calmed down again.
"You're always so handsome."
He mumbled, earning a shaky breath of laughter from the black haired man.
"And you're still breath-taking."
Himchan highly doubted that, but he didn't have the energy to argue.
Infact, he couldn't feel if he had energy anymore or not.
He could feel that something was extremely wrong from the way the paramedics seemed to hurry their movements around him.

"Yongguk... I'm sorry." 
The older tried to silence Himchan, to make him save his breath but the brunette could feel that he was fighting a losing battle.

"I'm sorry... I'll be the one waiting for you this time." 

"Don't you dare do this..."

"I'm sorry."
Himchan pleaded again, eyes sliding closed only to bulge open again.
"I always... Loved you. I will always love you."
 
A tear slid down his cheek but it was quickly swept up by Yongguk, whose eyes were welling up an ocean.
Himchan was sure his were too, and he could hear Yongguk's voice, the promises of him taking care of Himchan's small family for him.
His yet unborn son and his wife, whom Himchan had betrayed as well. Himchan felt remorse for causing all that pain, but most of all, he couldn't bear to  hear the pain in the older's voice, the way Yongguk's breath shuttered and broke as he whispered the three words back. 

Himchan wished he could have said more,
but he had played his cards wrong.

He had only caused heartbreak. Three lives were ruined, four hearts were broken and one life had been lost.
He had done everything for Yongguk, and he had also caused him everything he never wanted the other to experience. 

The last thing Himchan could register was the brushing of fingers against his cheek and drops falling onto his cheek. 

Then, the silence settled.