SHADOW

BaekHyun sat on the edge of his bed while facing the window. He always there, just like the other nights. He looked outside. He doesn’t feel like sat together with other EXO members. He wanted to be alone but living with 11 other people, he can’t really be alone. His ears catch some noise from the living room. Chanyeol`s laughter to be exact.

He wishes he was the reason behind that laughter.

He wishes.

But he is not. 

He`s not the reason.

Never be the reason.

The reason was always him. Someone that is special to the Park ChanYeol. He is someone who was everything he wasn’t. 

He was tall, the tallest ones among everyone. He was naturally handsome and natural-born model. He had that thick lip that makes his fans fantasying of it with all their might. He had that deep voice that makes everyone instantly recognized him. He was nice to everyone. Care about others more than himself. He took care of their fans as they are his most precious treasure. He had the most weird taste in fashion but it turns out to be ok if it`s on him. He had the cool image during their debut but he let others to see his foolishness just to makes everyone laugh. He was full of innocence and trusted people so easily. The one and only guy he called as duizhang. 

He always watching, like a shadow.

Yet, BaekHyun couldn’t bring himself to hate him. Even he keeps on hurting everyone, hurting Chanyeol. He can’t. Because everything about him was loving, admirable,beautiful, radiant, weak and he was so special.

He can’t lie. He was comparing his own self with him. Something he shouldn’t have. He thought he wasn’t perfect, at least not to ChanYeol. He felt throbbing like a knife drove inside, cut deeper into his heart and ripped it out every time he caught his best friend stares at the so called duizhang. Refused to let himself hurt more, he looked away or acted like he was doing something else.

What hurt him the most, when fans keep chanting about both of them. They called them. They adored them. They put up a banner for them. 

KrisYeol! KrisYeol! KrisYeol!

 And they will smile widely at each other, eyes on each other. 

Or when Kris talked, ChanYeol can’t take his eyes off him. 

Or when their hands intertwines with each other.

Or when ChanYeol was always stand next to him because of their height. 

He had everything he ever wanted. He did everything he ever dreamed off, with ChanYeol.

Often, he lay on his back, curled into a ball, trying to restrain his tears. He did not cry. He would not let himself. As long ChanYeol was happy.

--

Now, he looked into the same wide eyes. It was dull. There is no longer light in that eyes, like it used to be. And he`s in his room, just like before, still listening to the same laughter. But it was…fake.

11.

He never wanted to think about 11 no matter how hurt he or they are right now. He never wanted to be hypocrite. He had never intent to be one. So does ChanYeol. Telling everybody that everything going to just fine and to never give up when he already had. Telling everyone to keep smiling when his was fake. Curling himself on bed, groaning in his sleep every night because he was hurt and he`s getting a nightmares.

BaekHyun sees all that, he did. Yet he can’t do anything. No he can’t, even he really wanted to do it. It won’t be the same. He wasn’t Kris. There`s nothing he could do.

Just be there. Without being asked or noticed by him, he was there, like a shadow. To be by his side, getting ready to comfort him whenever he jolted awake from his deep slumber because of nightmares, he was there, countless times.

ChanYeol called out for Kris name, once in a while, in his sleep. Crying sometimes, like a lost child he was. While he sat next to him, brushed his hair, gently calmed him back to sleep. Next morning, he will sit in front of him, with a traces of guilt drew all over his face. He knew it, maybe or it just his feeling.

How BaekHyun wish he was Kris. Only he can bring back the warmth in that eyes. He clenched his fist. He wonder what would Kris do now.

--

Like usual, he watched both K`s maknaes with their dancing ritual after practicing. With Tao , who leaned on his left shoulder, taking selfie to post on his instagram. He smiled. His eyes caught ChanYeol who too, looking at his phone. Probably strolling on his ig, or secretly searching for news of Wu Yi Fan. He gets up and sat behind ChanYeol. The latter, quickly closed the tab. 

“Hey.” He said, quickly dragging him to not asking about his search.

BaekHyun smiled. His eyes saw the wallpaper on his phone. 

It was ot12. He frowned.

“Hyung!” Tao called for them.

He returned his view back to Tao, who now taking pictures of the two of them. They smiled and make the “V” sign. Others start leaving. The practice room were empty now,only two of them there.

After that, he glanced down, watching ChanYeol was staring at his wallpaper, at Kris to be exact. His heart was twitching again. He moves to his side, hugging his knees.

“He is handsome,right?.” He said, trying to start the conversation. He paused and continued, “I always wonder what it is like to be handsome like him.”

He looked at ChanYeol who was slightly frowning at his statement but he ignored it. He probably never thought it could slipped his mouth. He`s letting his emotion takes control of himself. Blamed it on the pain of his heart and soul.

ChanYeol put down his phone. “Baekkie…” He doesn't like this.

“Maybe if I could speak more than two languages, rather than knowing only Korean. Maybe if I can act more manly, rather than act cute and whines all the times. Maybe if I have a long legs to stand next to you, rather than being short and not be able to stand next to you. Maybe if I could be more courageous and have guts to fight for my own rights, rather than being shy and not be able to express my feeling. Maybe if I had what he had, maybe I could be happier. Maybe I could make you happier.”

ChanYeol`s face changed. He was worried about BaekHyun. Before he could say anything, BaekHyun chipped in.

“However, I don’t think it would suit me. Don’t you think so?” He asked. “We`ve faced lots of struggles together, we`ve been broken. Maybe he was in pain. But we`re even or I suppose that is the same. I don’t know about you though. But I couldn’t bring myself to hate him. Angry, yes but I don’t hate him. He was someone I wish I was, but I couldn’t envy him no matter how much I want to. He`s inspiring. He`s not afraid. And a wonderful person. Nothing like me. I`m bad, Yeol. I can’t even help you to ease your pain.”

“BaekHyun, stop.”

ChanYeol was frowning. “You`re not. You`re not everything you said.” He knew why BaekHyun felt this way. He knew. He was the reason. He knew BaekHyun was trying hard to keep his emotion because he doesn’t want to be broken, not wanting to be seen as a weak person. All because of him. 

“You`re amazing. And full of strength. Yeah, you whines a lot, it`s annoying. But that’s make you special. If you are what you said, then it won’t make you as you. It will make you as someone else. As…” He paused. “him. And it will hurt me more. You are you. Byun BaekHyun, my best friend. Just stay as who you really are, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

best friend.

BaekHyun chuckled. He knew it all along. He loved Kris. He only looked at him as a friend, nothing more. Why does it hurt so much even though he knew it all along? 

Such an unrequited love.

“He might choose a different path than we are. He might have hurt me, us. But it doesn’t make him bad. I admit, I`m hurt, too much. He was my…”he paused again. Sad agony flashed through his eyes. “I wish things could be different. There is a part of me, wishes for all of this was just a nightmare. You never know how important someone to you until he`s gone, right? We`ve been through hell together, but I came to my understanding now.”

BaekHyun looked at him, waiting.

“Each of us have our own purposes in life and we have to accept, whether we liked it or not, that these purposes may not be parallel with everyone else. Therefore, I will pray for his success. I will be here, waiting. No matter how long it will take me, I will be waiting.” 

BaekHyun was hurt again, yet he can’t hate him. He hugged him and let his best friend calmed his heart this time. He needed it. He need a shoulder to leaned in and cry himself out like a lost child. He can’t have the one he loves and the one that got away. He is just a shadow to those he caresses the most.