My name is Kim Himchan, I’m 24 and I was born on April 19th. I married a lovely man named Bang Yongguk, and adopted a wonderful son named Junhong.

Everyday I was told by Yongguk and Junhong that they loved me. And I loved them.

-

Countless times, I have seen these two most important people in my life, crying themselves to sleep.

Junhong would cry, and Yongguk would calm him without wanting to cry with him. After our son had fallen asleep with puffy red eyes, he would kiss our son’s forehead with tears in his eyes also. Then, it would be his turn to cry himself to sleep. I’ve tried asking him why, but he wouldn’t answer. He couldn’t.

-

There were times when the two of them had father and son dates together, going from place to place eating their hearts out, laughing like there’s no tomorrow. I watched them with glee, happy to know that they’re capable of being happy. I can only look on. I’d approach them but they act like they don’t even see me.

-

During the holidays, we’d sometimes spend it together, sometimes with other relatives. But we live on the further side of Seoul, so it would take a lot of time to get back. So sometimes, we just like to lay back and watch Christmas movies together like we usually do. Junhong came up with a brilliant idea during the holiday, and that’s to write and send each of his family members a letter. Yongguk and I were always the first he wrote to, and it made my heart fly.

Whenever Yongguk read Junhong’s letter to him in his funky, yet cute, handwriting, there’s always that smile that makes my heart sore a million miles away from Earth. Then, there was my letter. But he never gave it to me, and I could never read it. It didn’t stop him writing every year though.

-

Every new year, the three of us would go and pay our friends a visit. There was Daehyun, Youngjae and their son Jongup who lived the closest to us. Junhong loved Jongup so much, and I’m sure it went the other way around as well. Daehyun and Youngjae married on January 26th, and I remember because I helped plan it when Youngjae came up to me with tears in his eyes, a ring on his finger. That’s the reason why we’re here: we came to congratulate them for not getting tired of each other even after 3 years. Although, every time we visited, they acted like they couldn’t see me either. And whenever I saw them, there were tears in their eyes. I tried to stop them, but I couldn’t.

-

Whenever Yongguk’s birthday came around, Junhong would draw him countless pictures of the three of us. I looked over his shoulder to see whatever he was doodling with his chubby little fingers. Whenever I saw him draw me, he starts to sniffle. I look at his face as I kneel, and there were tears on the brim of his red, puffy eyes. I wanted to stop them, but I couldn’t. But whenever he gave the drawings of us to Yongguk, he would immediately smile, and his father would return the smile at him. I smiled too. As for me, I wanted to give him a kiss, but when I did, he pretended as if nothing happened. And I couldn’t do anything about it.

-

But then one day in April, it was a day of fine dust and lightning storms. Yongguk and Junhong had visited my parents’ home, crying all the same. My mother and father had insisted that they stay for the night since there was light rain when they announced their leave, but Yongguk brushed it off and took it that the rain would stop soon. But it didn’t.

Junhong was in his booster, crying while covering his ears at the same time. Yongguk was driving carefully, his headlights in full bloom. But then, all went wrong when he hit a pothole, which caused a severe bump to happen causing both of them to suddenly lean forward, and losing control of everything. Then, they hit a tree, the side where Yongguk and Junhong were sitting. And I just stood there and watched it happen.

Paramedics came the next morning after other drivers have called 911, carrying out the limp body of the man I love from the driver seat, and my treasure from his booster.

I walked into the hospital room, my family and Yongguk’s family gathered outside, looking longingly at the two bodies laying next to each other.

I saw tears in my mother-in-law’s eyes, and I didn’t understand what was happening, until I witnessed the doctor cover them both with a white duvet. Junhong was right beside his father, and that was the last I saw of them. And for the first time in a while, my vision became blurry, and I felt wetness on my cheek.

-

A few days later, as I’m taking a seat in the front of the door of our old apartment, I hear these ladies murmuring, until something caught my ear.

“Did you hear what happened to the people living here?” accompanying the explanation with a point to our door, standing in front of it and I.

“No, what?”

“The father and his son died,” she started, then continued, “it had something to do with the father’s spouse dying on his birthday.”

I can only watch and listen. I can only regret and bow my head.

“The father’s spouse died on his birthday?” I nodded doubtfully, his lips quivering.

“Yeah, and they died on the same day, 3 years later which was about 3 days ago.”

I cried again.

-

I was sitting on the sofa of the abandoned apartment, as I reminisced the memories the three of us once shared.

When Junhong took his first steps, when his first words were “Umma”, since that’s what he liked calling me when I was still alive.

I had dropped Junhong off for school, and Yongguk for work. They both left the car with a kiss on the cheek from me, and a happy birthday greeting along with it.

I suddenly felt an ache in my head, one so sharp I could barely open his eyes once they shut. My foot was still on the gas, and before I knew it, the pain was gone, though all I saw was black.

The next time I woke up, I was in bed, next to Yongguk. He looked like he’d been crying for a while. Then, Junhong came into the room trying to wake his father up. I smiled and greeted him a good morning, but I don’t think he heard me. Suddenly, I hear something come from Junhong’s lips I didn’t expect to hear.

“Where’s umma?” Junhong whimpered. Yongguk pulled him into a hug.

“I don’t know, Junhong. I’m sorry,” Yongguk’s voice wavered.

-

I’m taking a walk in Junhong’s favorite park, the one with the petting zoo, and I’m sitting on the bench I always used to sit on while watching Junhong play on the playground. I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around, curious as to why I was able to feel that.

There, right before me, were the best things that’ve ever happened to me.

The three of us exchanged smiles, and Junhong, who was being held in Yongguk’s arms, gestures to me so I could hold him next. He kissed me all over my face as he smiled his brightest. I look over at Yongguk and he’s smiling just as vibrantly.

“We missed you,” Yongguk practically cheered.

“We really, really missed you, umma.” Junhong kissed my nose and squished my cheeks.

“I missed you guys too.” I cried again.

“Don’t cry umma!” Junhong panicked and padded my tear-clad cheeks.

Yongguk came around next to me and kissed my cheek. I turned and his lips pecked mine.

“We’re finally together again,” I sighed.

“But umma, remember when you called me your angel? I’m a real angel now!!!” Junhong cheered, hugging me around my neck. I snuggled into him as Yongguk back-hugged me. I was happy again.

My name is Kim Himchan, I’m 24 and I was born on April 19th. I married a lovely man named Bang Yongguk, and adopted a wonderful son named Junhong.