Friendship is like a blank canvas. And Minho is a bad painter.

*

Minho realizes he’s not really best at putting up with people’s feelings.

He just sits there, watching them spit and mumble and say words that don’t go together and honestly he is not sure if he’s supposed to mind.

He smiles, but his smiles don’t quite reach his eyes.

He gives out laughter, but his laugh doesn’t reach his heart.

But he thinks it’s fine, it’s fine as long as his partner is happy and laughing and giving emotions that have been pooling up in their hearts and tugging at their nervous system. Because if he doesn’t let them talk, doesn’t that mean he’s being selfish? So he sits there. And lets them do all the talking.

But he guesses, it’s not fine.

It’s not fine because one day, as they talk, Minho realizes what they are saying. They say he’s being selfish and cooping up hidden feelings in his chest so he could tell them to someone else, to another where he does the same exact thing and just continue the cycle but Minho doesn’t understand because he doesn’t say anything to anyone in particular at all.

His first friendship breaks because they say he’s selfish, and he doesn’t quite understand.

But he doesn’t say anything.

*

His second friendship happens when he was busy crying over the first. This time, there are more people. They are three of them. And there is more talking.

Minho figures that since there are four people huddled up together instead of two, that he doesn’t need to talk. He sits there, and watches them smile and laugh and he’s not sure if he should do the same because he feels awkward and out of place.

He feels like a broken puzzle piece placed in the wrong puzzle box by the wrong owner—but he tries to push himself into the empty space, even if other edges are crooking out and hesitating with his own hesitance.

He smiles, but his smiles are lessening.

He laughs, but they are decreasing as the days whisk by as well.

But one day, he realizes what they are talking about. This time, they aren’t talking about him. This time, they are talking about themselves. He doesn’t understand, he doesn’t understand why they are only talking about themselves because wasn’t he included in the themselves word?

But apparently he isn’t, he isn’t because they are running away from him because he is not like them, because he was not included in the friendship in the first place and he was being used, and he realizes he is being used so he runs away, he runs away from them with a heavy heart.

His second friendship breaks because they are being selfish, and Minho doesn’t understand.

But like the first, he doesn’t say anything.

*

As Minho moves schools, he decides he didn’t want to have friends at all. But his third friendship happens when he’s busy crying over himself.

First, there is only one, because Minho forgets to bring his textbook and there is conveniently someone sitting behind him waiting for him to ask, to do the first move. So he does, even by force, and there is friendship.

The first friend has a friend and Minho unconsciously starts being the other as well because they share the same interest, and another comes, and then another because the last is the cousin of the third. Minho realizes he has four friends. There is more talking.

Minho smiles, but he feels like he didn’t.

Minho laughs, but he feels like they’re too hollow.

The friendship doesn’t break, and Minho doesn’t understand.

But he doesn’t say anything.

*

A fourth friendship happens when Minho’s busy with the third.

Minho decides this one is special.

This one is special because they share the same heavy hearts and they both have bad pasts and Minho likes that, he likes that so much because he doesn’t feel alone. He doesn’t feel like he’s the only one suffering.

But this one looks more happy, looks more confident despite the ugly past and Minho starts to feel the need to protect this friendship more because he admires him, he admires him for his strength because he himself is always being dull and sad.

Minho smiles, and he realizes it reaches his eyes.

Minho gives out laughter, and he realizes his laugh reaches his heart.

Slowly, Minho succumbs himself to the world of talking because he’s happy, he’s satisfied with how the things are happening now because he has two friendships and they are still lasting.

Minho finds himself talking more and smiling more and laughing more, and he is happy.

His fourth friendship is starting to collapse.

Minho realizes as he is smiling and laughing, his fourth friendship is not smiling and laughing and everything is breaking and getting out of place.

Minho feels scared. He’s scared because he doesn’t want to feel empty and hollow again and he doesn’t want this friendship falling apart because this one is the most special and he likes this person, he likes this person a little too much.

Minho starts forcing on this friendship and laughing and smiling a little more than usual, and he feels so fake and so stupid because his pushing isn’t helping this fourth friendship at all but instead scurrying away a little more further.

In a while, Minho is unconsciously running away to his third friendship.

Minho runs because this fourth friendship is like him; they both have bad memories and fragile hearts and Minho is scared to face that, too scared to face his own reflection because he feels so torn apart between his own smiles and laughter and this person’s smiles and laughter.

His fourth friendship breaks because he is selfish, and he understands.

But he says it to his third friendship, and he feels more foolish so in a while he stops. He stops and breaks down and lets his whole resolve dissolve and sink down the drain as he cries.

*

Minho’s fifth friendship breaks. The fifth friendship is his relationship with himself.

*

Friendship is like a blank canvas. Minho is painting his own piece of paper, and he doesn’t realize he’s painting a little too much and a little too fast that his tears are falling and there’s too much liquid and he’s unconsciously tearing the paper apart, and smudging the paint along the way.

Minho cries, and he cries so much that he doesn’t care about the paper anymore and is only clutching on the smudged paint around his tears, around his selfish tears and he feels like such a bad painter but he cannot stop, he paints more and more and more and hopes the paint doesn’t get smudged but it does anyway, because he doesn’t stop crying.

He cries over the first, the second, the third, the fourth, but he cries mostly over the fifth.

Minho stops smiling.

Minho stops laughing.

He stops breathing altogether.