Reason Why I Live

Kim Hyun Joong, SS501, his girl (Sunny Hyo)
This story is written in Hyun Joong's POV.

'Click!' The door knob was turned forcefully.

"What do you think you are doing?!" Someone rushed into the room and kicked the knife away from my reach. A quick series of footsteps hurried in after him.

I didn't have to look up to see who that was, it was Young Saeng, the second oldest of the group. I continued to stare at the blood gushing out from the wound on my wrist. Blood, it makes me happy.

"Hyung! Jebal, stop all these foolish acts. Please pull yourself together." Kyu Jong begged, kneeling down and grabbing me as gently as possible by my arms.

"Saengie, Kyu, Mal, Jun..." I tried hard to stop myself from breaking down, but nevertheless, that word still escaped from my mouth, soft and almost unheard, "Bogoshipo." I wasn't referring to them, I was referring to... her.

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With my hands inserted deep in my pocket, I wore shades and lowered my head while walking through the crowd in Seoul's streets. I hate the feeling of loneliness, the more I couldn't stay at home or at an isolated place, so I insisted that I should come out for a walk.

I strolled at my own slow pace, my heart was empty and lost, and I didn't know my directions.

Shops and shops went past my sight - clothes, fashion accessories, furniture, DVD shops, and eateries - and then one finally caught my sight and I stopped dead in my tracks.

'Sushi Hyo'

I gazed through the huge glass windows of the Sushi restaurant, waiters and waitresses were hurrying busily around the tables to serve the customers. It was a normal-looking restaurant and it wasn't the designs and interior which attracted me, but it was the memories of that place.

The place we once enjoyed going to.

-Flashback-
"Hyun Joong oppa!" She always rushes to give me a hug the moment she saw me waiting for her at the lobby area of her work place, "Why didn't you tell me earlier that you'll be here?"

"I want to give uri Sunny a surprise." I smiled and gently tucked a lock of hair behind her ears, leading her to my car so I can drive her for dinner before we go home.

"Where are we eating at today?"

"At your favourite sushi stall." I answered and continue to focus on driving, while listening to her squeal in delight.

"Why do you like 'Sushi Hyo' so much? I feel that there is nothing special about their sushi." I passed a casual remark as I reversed to park the car into the lot.

Because I'm Sunny HYO. That would always be her reply.

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Winter, and it's snowing.

I pulled on my coat to keep myself warm, stepping into the yard and stared at the falling white flakes. It looks like a scene in the fairytale, but I didn't like it. I used to love winter, now I don't.

I felt cold, and lonely.

Slowly, I reached out my hand and let the snowflakes fall onto my palm, and see them melt away in my warmth. I stared at them, and then turned to the sky.

It was evening, and the sun is hidden behind the thick dark clouds, slowly setting. The sun is hiding from me.

*Where is the sun? I missed the sun, its gentle glow and the generous amount of warmth it gave.

-Flashback-
"Aish, why are we here in the park at noon? It's so hot and I'm sweating so much." I complained as soon as I sat down on the picnic mat, half blaming Sunny for choosing an unsuitable location for our date.

"Ani, I think it's just right and it feels warm and comfortable." She exclaimed with a smile and shoved a piece of meat into my mouth, "We were so busy and it has been months since I last came outdoors for a good sunbath."

I munched on the meat and groaned silently at the "torture", but didn't make any more further comments. I loved the outdoors, but I really hated the sun. I prefer the rain, the wind, the clouds, the moon, the stars, never the sun.

It burns my skin. It makes me tan and sweaty. It shines so bright I can barely open my eyes. Never a chance would I ever imagine myself to miss the sun.

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I flipped the old and dirtied cover of the diary. It was hers. I kept all her belongings with me after she left. I stopped at a page that caught my attention.

"The last month." It read. The page was filled with her handwriting, but what captures my attention most is the words after the header. "Hyun Joong oppa, mianhamnida."

"After I told you about my real identity, I realized that I was too cruel to you, but what was said could not be undone, and I beg for your forgiveness..."

-Flashback-
"Let's go to Jeju for our 2nd year anniversary." I beamed as I sat face to face with her on the couch, holding up the advertisement brochures happily in her face.

"Hyun Joong oppa, I can't." Her face fell.

"Wae? Were you needed at work that your boss do not allow you to go on a vacation leave? Well, we can celebrate it few days in advance or later, I don't mind." I continued smiling.

"Since we have came to this, I guess I should tell you, Hyun Joong oppa," She sighed, and she looked unhappy. I wondered what makes my angel upset and watched her curiously.

She rolled up her sleeve and showed me the back of the wrist, "Do you know what this is?"

There was nothing there, but a weak beam of light emerging out of nowhere. That... I was shocked.

"I am left with one month on Earth. There is no way I could be celebrating our 2nd year anniversary with you." She began, "I am... not a human."

"What... What do you mean." I stuttered, not seeing it as a funny joke.

"You'd always believed the existence of aliens, don't you?" I nodded slowly. "Well then to be honest, I am, indeed, a half alien half human. I didn't choose to be here, but my mother, who is an alien, fell in love with my dad, a human, and gave birth to me. So I had the blood of both in me."

"Sunny, my obsession with aliens have nothing to do with..." I was about to reprimand her overboard joke but she cut me off.

"You think I'm lying, but it's true. I swear. I didn't plan to tell you, all I have ever wanted to, is to live happily with you until that day, and I will disappear quietly without a trace. But now that you ask, I didn't want to lie to you."

"So, you have lived here for 20 years, why do you have to leave right now? When I am falling for you."

"I don't want to, I-"

"Then don't. Will still be my girlfriend? No one will know of your true identity. We will be the happiest couple on earth, we can do whatever you want just like normal couples, I promise that I won't have the media give you any pressure, we can go to Las Vegas for our marriage and we can have kids. I know you love kids. Well, even if you can't because of your identity, I don't mind going up for adoption..." I held my head high in order to hide my tears, and I continued rattling on as if I am talking to myself.

Those words, can only serve as a comfort to me.

"But my time is up, I have no choice."

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"I think this was the last time?" she laughed foolishly as we stood in front of her house gates, "Gomawo, for walking me home."

"Sunny ah," I really wanted to beg her to stay. If she could stay, I could give up my everything for that. "This is the first time I felt that this road to your house is so short. The journey, is not enough. How I wished we can walk down this road and there wasn't any end."

"This is enough." She smiled weakly, her face turning paler each moment.

"Can I stay? I want to see you off."

"Hyun Joong oppa, you knew me well enough to know that I hate farewells. I am sorry I can't promise you anything. Please live well, eat well, sleep well. Take care of yourself and continue your activities with SS501. Don't think of me, however, if you really miss me, look at our pictures, take a stroll at the places we went, tell me what you want to tell me in your heart. I will look for you in your dreams, and I will try with my best ability to return to Earth. However, if I don't by 3 years, you should move on."

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Hyunjoong. Hyunjoong.

Someone is calling me, a familiar voice is calling for me. I turned and looked around frantically to find the owner of the voice.

And my eyes met hers.

"Sunny. My Sunny! Where have you been?" I lunged forward and pulled her into an embrace, fearing that she would be gone if I don't grab onto her tightly. "I miss you. I miss you." I sobbed uncontrollably.

"Hyun Joong oppa, do you remember my promise to you? I promised that I would come back, remember? Please, don't do foolish stuff and wait for me, I will be back soon."

I sat up on my bed and opened my eyes wide, I jumped in pain when I accidentally touched the bandaged wound on my wrist. It was there to remind me of my rashness, and it also helped me differentiate between dream and the reality.

That was the 998th time I dreamt of her.

I really didn't know how much I had loved her, until I start doing foolish stuff like self-inflicting pain. I didn't know how much I loved her, until I had let her go.

I can see her in my dreams, but I couldn't touch her. I look forward to night time, to my sleep, but the good times just passes to quickly, and I couldn't get a hold of it.

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"Sun.. sunny ah-" My mouth was wide open in shock.

"I am back." She smiled, her eyes glimmering as ever when I ran forth to hug her.

She is not going to disappear again, would she? This isn't a dream, is it?

"Wae? You didn't believe me when I say that I'm going to be back soon, right?"

"Sunny, you are back." A tear escaped my eye, there were so much I wanted to tell her, "You know how much I missed you when you were gone? I almost died, if it wasn't for the boys, and for you. I said I will wait because you promised you will be back, right? Sunny, gomawo. You're the reason why I live."

-The End-
*Hyunjoong misses the sun, this has two meanings: 1. He misses the days with Sunny; 2. He needs warmth in his cold and empty heart.

[Author's Note: Inspired by 'My Love From Another Star', was really in love with that show and I was reminded that Hyun Joong was in love with aliens, hence I portrayed his girl as a half-alien-half-human in this story. Besides that, I thank Erin for giving me inspiration by recommending me the song 'Let Her Go' by Passenger. Hope you guys enjoyed it and wish him a happy birthday before he enlists into military months later.]

written on 07.03.2014
published on 06.06.2014