the impulse to jump |

12.00pm; rush hour at the tube. 

it's a miracle how he could escape the madness - the screaming, the crying, the chanting. it feels like a breath of fresh air to be in the crowd, not facing it. it's weird how a self-diagnosed person like himself could stand still amongst shoving bodies as they hurry to catch their ride. rough material of suits and slacks rub against his hoodie and jeans. it's comforting to be different for once. the smell of metal against metal burns up his nose. 

amazing, he whispers to himself as the tube whizzes by. he scans the difference between england and seoul. there's the same areas that are full of people wherever he goes but the variation is that there isn't any screaming, yelling, fan chants, signboards, or people climbing over each other to reach him. a breath of fresh air, he repeats. a breath of culturally different air.

something buzzes in his pocket. a slight scoff exits his lips as his face tugs into a frown; s know he's missing. missing like kris years ago, and like now. he runs a hand through his hair and gulps down the sigh that inches up his throat. isn't it odd that the only ones running away are the leaders? the blonde frowns at the lit screen of his samsung, so different from the blackberries and the iphones that these people hold. the boy rolls his eyes at the kakao message his bandmate sends, sliding the phone back into the pocket of his jeans. he cranes his neck to the side, an attempt to catch the signboard for any sort of information concerning the next departure time. it's at times like these where he misses kris for the immediate translation of english to korean. 

kris, he muses, was always meant to be a leader. perhaps the stress just got to him; the company wasn't all that gentle. it's been nearly a year since the lawsuit and the ten boys he leads has already given up. he swears to never throw away the hope that kris might just come back. come running back into their dorm with a sheepish smile on his face as he mutters a 'sorry' and rubs the nape of his neck. come running into the arms of the abandoned with tears flowing down everyone's cheeks. come running back home.

(but deep down, he knows kris is never coming back to them... to him)

something brushes against his shoulder once more and the leader huffs in exasperation. a teenage boy around the age of fifteen scowls at the foreigner, hands disappearing into the deep pockets of his navy blue hoodie. grudgingly, the boy apologizes through gritted teeth and molds back into the crowd that pushes and shoves the conflicting leader. the korean boy glares at his disappearing back and stumbles through the crowd to get closer to the tracks. he had always been fascinated with trains. subway stations and the tube were no different. 

it takes him a while but he reaches the front of the line with a sigh. the people around him treat him as if he were a mere atom - too small to see. as he waits for his ride, a few more minutes before it skids to a halt in front of him, he begins to think about s. were they worrying about him? do they know where he is? god forbid minseok or luhan actually find out where he is. they'd take him back to the dorms and grill him, lecture him, yell at him, until they figure that they've knocked some sense into his head. but he knows it's too late for sensibility, his mind is too messed up to rearrange itself back into the perfect puzzle it had been. his phone vibrates in his back pocket five more times; there are two long buzzes that are probably calls from a very frantic yixing. 

he nearly feels pity for the boys. they had probably waited for him to enter the practice room, all ten of them stretching and joking around. he knew that the jokes aren't as many as when kris was here - when they were still one. the boys might think that he's leaving... like kris. god, he knows he wants to. he wants to run away while leaving everything behind without a care in the world. he had always been the responsible leader that no one listens to. today is going to change all of that. 

his watch beeps as three more minutes fly by. why did kris leave? until now, he still doesn't know. even with kris' many attempts to try and talk to the boys, none of them actually lent the ex-leader an ear. it hurt to know that kris didn't contact him. he's supposed to be the confidant, the fellow leader to take charge alongside the dorky giant. a shortie and a giant, kris says once. we'll go together like hot chocolate and marshmallows. he can't help but think where the giant was now, and why he left the shortie alone. what is to become of 'hot chocolate and marshmallows' now? 

the pounding of his head returns full-fledged because of his sleepless nights. sehun didn't notice his hyung leaving the room at odd hours at night, nor did kyungsoo notice that he hadn't been eating his food as often anymore. the stress of handling eleven people alone is scary. he wants to curse kris for leaving him alone. but he can't. because he knows what kris feels like. 

finally, after such a long time of thinking, of dreaming, he understands the feeling of helplessness. the feeling rises in him for the thousandth time today. it's a hollow wound in his chest, a large gaping hole that leaves his heart open for torture. he's always been obedient, kind, caring and responsible. what did he get in return? lectures, reprimands and kids who don't listen. it's a never ending cycle of thinking when it would end. when the emptiness would go away. 

(it hadn't) 

the stress weighing down on him disappears once he thinks of a certain something. a reminder of the reason why he's waiting for the tube emerges from the back of his mind - that's right, he's here on impulse. he left his best friends, his family, at practice only to run away to wait for the tube. what exactly is he waiting for though? exactly what it is - the tube. it's then that the notion to jump appears in his mind. he wonders if anyone has waited for the train, subway or tube, thinking that it takes a mere ten seconds to jump. because if they jump now, they could end the pain... end it all. all the suffering, the crying in the bathroom, the purging, the nightmares, the lethargy, the near-faint encounters after performances, and the anger. so much anger bottling up in one single person. 

a rubber band is bound to snap. 

the light flashes at a signboard not to far from where he's standing. his feet inch closer to the edge, the euphoric feeling of freedom surging through his veins. an overhead voice announces that the ride he's waiting for will arrive in, at most, two minutes. excitement courses through his body as blood pounds at his ears. adrenalin is a fierce force to reckon with. will the people notice if he sneaks off the safety of the concrete and lies down onto the tracks? he whips his head around him; everyone is either talking on the phone or rushing to get somewhere. he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. 

this is it - the moment of liberation. 

he takes a step forward, foot extending outward with a relieved smile stretching across his face. 

only to have a hand ensnaring his arm to pull back his body. 

"what the hell are you thinking?" it isn't a question. 

the shock that roots him to the ground is scary. the person standing in front of him, chestnut brown tousled locks hanging over a pair of angrily worried eyes, is too good to be true. the man snarls and yanks him away from the tracks and the edge. his eyes take a moment to sadly glance backward at the loss of comfort, of freedom. immediately, sense hones in and rage fills his face. 

"what the hell was i thinking? what the hell were you thinking?" he screams, spit flying and eyes wide. 

the man ignores the exclamation but his eyes betray the stinging pain he feels. good, he smirks. at least he still has feelings. "i didn't try to jump onto the tracks," he grits out. this is hardly how he wants to meet his old friend, confidant, and leader. aren't they supposed to hug now? kiss each other on the cheek and fall into a huddle of sobs? instead, here they are - arguing like it isn't something new. 

"you have no idea what i've been through since you've left." the buzzing in his pocket sends another surge of anger through him. "you have no idea what all of us have been through, you selfish bastard!" the exclamation catches the attention of several people but none of them stop to prevent a fight. digging out his phone, he shoves the screen at the ex-leader with a glare. how dare he come here and lecture him about logical thinking. 

tao: hyung, where are you?

tao: hyung, please come back to the dorms. i'm so worried, please be okay.

tao: hyung, if i've done something wrong, let me know. i promise i'll change, i'll be a better person. please don't leave me, hyung.

tao: hyung... come home. 

"i-" 

"this isn't even the worst of it." the rage bubbling through his body is unbearable. he needs to get it out before he hurts someone. the stress returns in full force. images of disappointed members, sunbaes and managers flash through his mind. no, he can't go through that again. you've been practicing for this, he chastises himself. don't let someone stop you from your freedom. "i can't believe you have the nerve to come here, stop me from doing whatever the hell i want, and yell at me!" 

the man remains silent. his brooding posture stiffens slightly but he's otherwise unchanged. his eyes glass over with regret, guilt and sorrow. with a hand ready to reach out and grab his arm, his tone turns pleading. "please listen to me, i-" 

he tugs his arm out of the gentle grip as if it were a kettle and he had been burnt. "you don't have the right to make me listen to you. you made me, made us suffer through so much hell, so much torture, that tao didn't speak to anyone for two days. baekhyun, jongdae and chanyeol tried to cheer everyone up but everyone was so down that nothing worked. we were mourning. we lost a member, he's dead to us now." 

"you don't get to stop me from making my decisions," he says with a tone of authority that takes the other by surprise. "you don't get to make me listen to you because it'll make me feel even guiltier for hating you. we all hate you. you're dead to us. you're not part of exo - never have and never will be again. you're a betrayer." 

"we're family, you don't mean that-" 

"family?" he yells over the bustling crowd. his vocal chords tighten and crack his tone; god, he was letting something like this affect him once more. weak, the voice whispers. "we stopped being family the moment you left without a word, without a trace. we stopped being brothers when i took all your work, all the stress, that you left behind. you don't get to decide if we're still family anymore - i do. i'm the one who stayed up late nursing tao back to health after he screamed so loud that he lost his voice. he ran out in the rain to look for you and kept screaming for you to come home. i'm the one who tries to learn how to make ramen because the m members miss it so much that i have to make cheese ramen for them everyday now. i'm the one who took care of luhan and minseok when they were under the heat for not knowing where you were. i did everything!" 

"i'm sorry," 

those two words sent tingles up his spine, the saline liquid spilling over his cheeks and falling onto the ground with a soundless splat. "you have no idea how much i suffered because of you. how much i've cried and cried and cried because the stress was too much. because faking a smile in front of your family was too much. i taught myself, each and everyday, to hide the pain and scars." he pulls up his shirt to reveal horizontal scars across his stomach. the fire in his eyes shoot daggers into the other's heart. "i binge eat and starve myself to make me feel powerful. everything has been spiraling out of control. i needed something to control. but i can't do it anymore." 

helpless eyes stared back into equally pained ones. "we can run away together - we could go to china." he whispers, eyes slowly filling with hope as his fingers twiddle together. "i'm filming a movie there, maybe you could record a soundtrack or-" 

"i don't care what you do!" eyes blazing, red-faced and crying, he screams. "i can't stand it anymore. entertaining and singing has always been my dream. but now, i'm not so sure. i can't do it anymore. i'm not strong enough." 

he didn't even notice that he was getting closer to the edge until his sneakers nearly sunk at the absence of ground. he stares at his old friend once more, tears blurring his vision, and turns around. "leave me alone." the finality is there, wrapped around each statement like a bomb. 

"but i-" 

"All passengers please step away from the edge and behind the yellow line, your ride will be arriving in fifteen seconds." 

all it takes is that brief eye contact - one filling up with tears, relief, hope and finality, the other filling with despair, realization, hopelessness and guilt. the rushing of the tube gets louder and louder until the sound of metal against metal screeches against his ears. the elder looks at his old member with fear. "no, no don't you dare do it!" 

a single tear slips down his smiling face. "i've trained for this my whole life - go big or go home." 

thirteen

"dammit, don't do it!" 

tweleve

"i'm sorry, you are still like a brother to me." 

eleven

there isn't enough time. the crowd gathering between them is blocking his way. "don't you dare do it!" he screams as he shoves through the bustling and whining crowd. 

ten

"we are one, right?" 

nine

"don't do it!" he launches himself over people, pushing past them with furious desperation in his eyes. no, he can't lose the only person he could relate to. 

eight 

"promise me you'll visit them and tell them that i love them." three tears turn into four as his feet inch closer to the edge once more. freedom ebbs throughout him like a fire. 

seven 

"you'll tell them yourself," he cries out. "you're going to go back to the dorms and tell them that yourself! you're not going to do this!" 

six

"i can't do this anymore. i'm too weak." comes the strained reply. 

five 

why isn't anyone helping? did they not notice two crying foreigners with one dangling closely at the edge?

four 

the sounds of the tube whistle past him. the wind tousles his air and he smiles in satisfaction. freedom is so close. he takes a moment to apologize to s and wish them a good life without their nagging leader anymore. jongdae had always called him annoying anyways. 

three

"i'm so sorry, kris." 

two

"joonmyeon!" 

one

bang!

and everything goes black for the final time. 

an: woo! this story is done! i'm sorry it took such an awful long time to upload but i was busy, and still am busy actually lol. i'm quite disappointed in this because it didn't really turn out like how i expected it to but it was good all the same. i think this is the longest one shot i've ever written in the history of my story writing. 

i do not hate kris for leaving exo. i'm a kris and kyungsoo stan so i think i speak for some of us when i say that kris is doing really well outside of sm and exo, and i'm proud of the dork. i do miss him, yes, but i don't hate him. 

i hope i didn't disappoint with this update! those of you who have read my other stories or oneshots know that this isn't up to my usual standards. but i promise better oneshots soon! love you <3