Dear Himchan,

You know I’m not good with words, but I Just have got to say it.

I loved you.

From the bottom of my heart, from the darkest place of my soul… I loved you.

I don’t think it’s anything new since I told you so many times. You just didn’t believe me or thought it was just as friends but really, I loved you like I never loved someone before you, and I think I never will.

I regret a lot of things in my life, Himchan, but letting you go without a proper confession is my biggest. I wasn’t brave enough, not even when you asked me to sleep in that bed with you that night because you were too scared to sleep alone in that hospital. That ing hospital.

I felt terrible when I saw you there. I stoped myself before I could cry in front of you, I would never do that. I couldn’t do that. You needed strength and you needed me to be strong for you, for the members. I told myself that, but I couldn’t help the tears from falling when I was alone. It hurt so much. It still hurts, actually.

I never got myself to tell you how much I loved you, how much I wanted you to live. God, I would rip off my healthy lungs and give it to you if that was possible. I would just trade health with you, I would just die if that meant you could live. You had so much to give to the world.

I wasn’t that hurt because you left me here, Himchan. I’m ing hurt because you are not here anymore to be you. You had so much life, so much energy. You wanted everyone around you to be happy, you would do anything to see people smiling.

I watched you take care of me and the others with your whole heart. Everytime you nagged Zelo to go take a shower, asked Daehyun to eat his vegetables and even made a meal to Jongup eat while he was taking his SAT’s when you could just be sleeping.

Of course I’m not the only one that misses you, Channie, but I sure am the only one full of regrets. When you were sad thinking everyone just hated you because you weren’t beautiful and skinny enough, I said I loved you and that you were the most beautiful man I ever saw, I told you that your weight didn’t matter, because I would love you even if you were so fat you couldn’t move.

You laughed, said that I was the best friend you could have ever found, that you didn’t deserve me.

No, Himchan. I didn’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve you because I wasn’t brave enough to confess I loved you more than a friend, I wasn’t strong to tell you I wanted to spend my life by your side.

In my defense, I thought I had a lifetime to do that. We were working together, living together. I just thought that one day I would confess, I would kiss you and things would just fall into place.

But your lifetime wasn’t long enough.

And I’m here now, looking at you grave, writing a letter you will never read.

I saw you fight for your life with all your heart, but that just wasn’t enough. That disease that took you from me, from the world, that ing cancer that shouldn’t be inside you because you didn’t even smoke! It was just your ing stupid mother and father that did, but life is so unfair that it decided you should die before they did.

Maybe it was a life lesson? Maybe life was taken from you to teach your mother and father that they shouldn’t have treated you so ing poorly during your entire life, even though you did everything to be the perfect son.

They didn’t deserve you, Himchan.

You were special, precious. You were my treasure, my love.

I’ll just leave it here, Himchan. This letter is the last confession I will ever make, because you will never know. There’s no way you will know.

I don’t know about heaven, I never actually believed in it. But if there is one, you should be there. You deserve heaven, you deserve the best an after-life could give you because you were the life itself when you were here.

I’m trying to move on.

It’s been 2 years, and Youngjae said it’s time for me to let you go. It’s time for me to stop crying, to stop talking to your grave.

It’s not about forgetting. No, never. It’s about moving on. It’s about being able to look at the past without getting hurt, without crying all over again for something I can’t change.

Maybe the empty space you left in my heart when you passed will be filled with the best memories of you someday. With your smile, with your nagging, with the pink fluffy pillows and the smell of coffee.

I miss you, I’ll miss you forever. In my heart, you will always be the one.

I will heal this wound, I will heal for you. I know you would like me to move on, you always wanted me to be happy.

And I will, Himchan.

With you on my heart forever, I will.

                                       With love for the last time,

                                                                      Your Bbang.