I always thought that having a glorious death came together with a glorious life. I lived big. I did it all, I bought it all. I had it all.

         My father was South Korea's most powerful man, but that didn't stop me from dying pathetically. Well, not pathetically, per say, just not... beautifully. No one was going to miss me after that day, and nobody was going to say a word about me either. I was going to die along with people's memories of me, and I would leave no memento for anyone; I would just disappear.

         I must have been crazy. I have always hated water, really. I despised it; loathed it. When I was seven, my father wanted me to try swimming and it didn't work out well, since I almost died the exact moment I submerged my head in the water. I was ignorant, and I tried to breathe underwater. I was ignorant; I was just so, so ignorant.

         Maybe I still was. Actually, that's probably why I died. The world didn't need any more stupid people- and the world clearly didn’t need more people trying to be seen as ‘someone’, when they were clearly nothing special. ‘Special’ people were the ones who suffered, they never saw the satisfaction material possessions brought to people’s lives, and they never experienced a day of an easy life.’

         However, they live happier than us. They have it all, while having nothing. They are satisfied by the smallest happenings in life, and they never need more than what they already have. On the other hand, greedy people like myself just don't ever feel full. We never have enough. We are walking black holes who liveliness and happiness out of every person we see. Every. Single. Person.

         And so, I just liveliness and happiness out of him, but I couldn't life out of him for myself that night. I couldn't be saved.

        While I was the darkness, he was the light; while I was night, he was day. I wore fake, practiced smiles, while he wore the brightest and most sincere smiles he could ever muster.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

         Our meeting could have been a product of ‘fate’ or ‘destiny’, but I will never know for sure– no one will. We shared just a few opinions and stories, but we also shared the most intimate moment two beings could ever share as well: we saw each other at our worst, and we just embraced it. 

         “You know, you should just run away. If it will bring you ease, and you think you will be happier that way, then do it. Be reckless. I am sorry to sound so stupid, but ‘you only live once’,” he said, and I smiled as I thought about the misconceptions of life’s ephemerality. “So, I don't know. I would run away without a second thought if it were me.” For the first time that night, I saw him smile. He smiled wide and bright, and I just stared at his face. It was truly amazing.

         The way he just let himself be him and the way he just didn't care about other people when it came to his viewpoints amazed me to the highest extent. Being on a boat over the deepest oceans, and looking over at the brightest moon and stars, his face glowed with content. To him, it didn't matter that he was only here to work, he just enjoyed the view as his shift was over for the night. He was enjoying the little things in life.

         For a second I felt envious. For a second, I just thought about how much I hated him because he was able to wear such genuine smiles. I would give it all in order to be able to smile as genuinely as him, even if it was just for once.

         “I can't. I have to be in charge of everything,” I said as I looked over to the side, where some seawater drops hit my face. I enjoyed my cup of wine for a moment, and he just looked at me while I looked at the horizon– or rather to where it was supposed to be; it was pitch black wherever the boat’s light couldn’t reach. “Ever since my father died, my stepmother has wanted to take over my father’s company. Good thing I'm a bookworm, right?” I drank the rest of my cup in one go and extended my cup to the smiling male, yet I wore my practiced smile again.

         “Just leave and start anew somewhere far. It can't be that hard,” he said as he refilled my cup and put the wine bottle away again to where I could see at least five more bottles of the same brand. He reached for a coke and drank straight from the can; I just glanced at him.

         “It is hard, believe me,” I looked down, suddenly feeling embarrassed over the question I would ask next. “How do you do it?” I looked at him in the eye. His smile died down slowly as he gave me a look of confusion. I realized he didn't know what I had meant. “How do you– I mean, how can you smile so... genuinely?”

         He looked at the horizon, where I had been looking before asking him the ‘million dollar question’. He answered, “Well that's simple. It’s just because I do what makes me happy.”

         “Sorry to say this, and sound mean, but if being a waiter is what you want to do–” I was cut off by laughter. Loud, hearty laughter.

         “I am not a waiter. I just worked here today as a favor for my older brother. I’m an artist, actually.” He said as he drank from his coke. He had said ‘I don't drink’ earlier when I offered some wine to him, but something told me there was quite more to all of that.

         “Really now? What do you do exactly?” I asked and drank some more wine. I had swallowed half of a wine bottle by myself as we talked under the stars.

         “Well, I just do whatever I am inspired to do at the moment,” he looked at me with bright eyes and a wide smile as he spoke about something so dear to him as his dream. Something so precious. “Sometimes I paint, sometimes I sculpt- and I have written one or two songs, maybe? But I just do whatever I feel like doing. I just do whatever flows,” he finished and then took a final sip of his drink. He tossed the can to the back, and took a snack from a food trail behind us that I had missed to see before.

         “Oh, I see...” And what else could I possibly say to that? I didn't know. At the moment I just wanted to see him do some of his art in order to see how satisfaction would look on his face. To see how he could make beautiful things just because he felt like it; just because he felt it was right. I wanted to see him in his ‘natural habitat’.

         “What about you?” He asked, staring at me. When I looked at him, he spoke again. “What are your dreams?”

         I laughed heartily and genuinely for the first time in a long while. I can honestly say that it was a bittersweet moment for me. “I have no dreams, I can't afford to have any. I can only do what I am expected to do, and that is to ‘take care of father’s empire and get married to the other most powerful heir in South Korea in order to keep the power in the elite group at the top of the food chain’ or some hogwash along that line, I really just,” I looked away and curled a strand of loose hair on my finger, my hair was soft and healthy. “I just want to drink, get wasted, and do nothing,” I whispered the last part, I didn't think that those words would have some relativity to our conversation, and I definitely didn't see coming what came next.

         The bright male got up from where we sat comfortably, and threw wine bottle after wine bottle over the railing, to the open sea, until there was no more alcohol at our immediate reach. I stared at him with wide, confused eyes, but he just sat back down beside me while breathing heavily. I just waited until he spoke first.

         “Don't ever think that drinking and getting wasted are the key to a break in life,” he said. He ran his fingers through his hair and continued talking, “I lost a friend that way. My best friend. He couldn't handle that his parents couldn't accept the fact that he wanted to be an artist as well, so he drank every night for years straight.” He looked over to his feet and then back to my eyes. “Eventually, drinking wasn't enough, and he started to experiment with the usage of drugs. His name was Baekhyun, and he had the best singing voice I have ever heard in my entire life.” He looked away to the horizon again, as if reminiscing about the past and creating an imagined future. “He would have reached so high in life, but he didn’t. He wasn’t given a chance to do so. Why? He died from an overdose before something could happen with his career… and it all started because of alcohol.” He looked over at his hands, and his fingers played with one another anxiously, “Please don't think that alcohol is the key, it just brings more unnecessary problems to your life, as well as it makes you close your eyes to reality.”

         His words of wisdom made me feel like all of my problems were nothing; it made me feel like an over-dramatic, high school girl. Yet, at the same time, it made me feel strong; I was still standing. It made me see that I still had a choice if I ever made any. I looked at my cup, then I looked at the ocean.

         “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you think about something so tragic.” I stood up and made him stand up with me. He gave me a questioning look, but I took his hand and guided him to the rail, where I spilled the remaining wine from my cup into the sea.

         I didn’t just spill wine in the water, I spilled all of my heartache and all of the things in life that I could fix, but I just was too stupid to do so. I made a promise too, and I promised to have a better life once I got off this boat.

         And I definitely wanted to go out on a date with this guy, if I ever could.

         He squeezed my hand, and I knew he went through this rollercoaster of feelings I had been riding until that moment with me. We just looked at our tangled fingers and pressed palms, and it all just fit to perfection. I didn’t know his name and he didn't know mine, however, it seemed like those useless set of characters couldn't define nor name ourselves anymore. It seemed like my name wasn’t part of me, and I needed a new one because from there onwards, it didn’t match my identity.

         “What is your name?” I asked to the man that held my hand. He looked at me; I knew he knew what I had meant.

         “Chen,” he answered. “My name is Chen. What is yours?”

         That night, he walked me over to my suite and hugged me in front of the door. He whispered in my ear about how we should see each other in the morning, and how he would love to take me out on a date when we reached land. I accepted, but I didn't know if it could truly happen.

         After all, I was starting a new life, and would he follow a mere stranger if I desired to leave it all to start anew?

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

         As I was taking my clothes off for a shower, I realized how I had failed to enjoy myself while growing up. I missed to do all the regular things that others did, and I never really knew how it felt to be normal. At least I never considered myself to be normal, and I had always seen money as a curse, rather than a blessing. Now that I had something to drive my life upwards for, why had my day come?

         I entered the shower, and as water ran over my body, I felt how it washed away any remaining from the girl who last took a shower there that morning, and cleanly left the woman who had crossed the door some minutes back.

         Suddenly, the boat jerked forward and I fell backwards while hitting my head real hard with the wall behind me. I felt how my body was immobilized by the hit, and as I was sprawled all over the shower floors, I felt how the heel of my foot blocked the drain. I felt how water rose up to cover my body, and I had never felt more useless, more hopeless. I knew for sure that I wasn't going to die there, but I was still scared. I just wanted for the person that would come save me to hurry up.

         But that person never came, and as I felt how water entered my nostrils and filled my lungs, I thought about how much I hated water. I loathed it.

         When I was seven, my father wanted me to try swimming and it didn't work out well, since I almost died the exact moment I submerged my head in the water. I was ignorant, and I tried to breathe underwater. I was ignorant; I was so, so ignorant because I had done it again.

         And this time, daddy was not here to save me. Not even Chen could save me today.

         At least I could change something about my life that night. At least there would be someone to think of me in the morning. At least there was someone who gave me a real opportunity to smile genuinely.

         For a moment we both were darkness and light; for a moment we both were night and day simultaneously; and while I always wore fake, practiced smiles before, we both wore the brightest and most sincere smiles we could ever muster under the night sky.

         In the end, I did give it all for a real smile.

Thank you for reading. Please, leave me your feedback (or whatever you may think useful), and comment to tell me what you thought of this one-shot! You may up-vote if you want to.

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