It all started in kindergarten. We had first met in class and I was a little naughty rascal and he was a chubby meatball. Let’s just name him LuHan. I don’t doubt he was cute. He was actually really cute. Back then when we used to believe there were such things as cooties. My friends and I would take hula-hoops and capture the boys. I was the mastermind to this whole mess. I was evil. Even when I was so evil to these boys, he started to like me.

It was Valentine’s Day and we were now first graders. He was someone who no one liked because he was fat. I could care less, but I was also very aggressive. I used to beat him up. He was that nice guy that was easy to push around. Even so, he asked me to be his Valentine. Sadly, he was not romantic what so ever, but what I could say? He was 6. He asked me behind the garbage can in view of everyone because it was right next to the playground. In shock, I kicked him in the shin and ran away. I feel guilty to this day.

We had almost every class together in elementary school. Even when we were in different classes, we still hung out at recess. We were close, I guess, in terms of a little kid. He liked me every year. He said he liked one girl, but in the end, he always liked me. Until fifth grade, he asked my best friend to be his girlfriend. She said yes. I didn’t think much of it, but . The meatball finally got a girlfriend.

They broke up in sixth grade. We all went to the same middle school. We were inseparable as a group of twenty that slowly came down to ten. We were still friends of course. My best friend/his ex was also in the group, but it was never awkward.

In seventh grade, our group broke up into guys and girls. Even so, each group was broken up even more because of the two different lunch times. Girls were also boy crazy and dramatic, so they gossiped. I was much calmer and would prefer to eat lunch than to talk about boys all period. I left my group of friends since they didn’t pay much attention to me anyways. I was alone at lunch until I was reunited with him. We talked and talked. We hung out at every lunch. Many students began to think we were a couple, but I was not interested and I thought he was over me because of his past girlfriends. One friend came up to us and asked if we were dating. I laughed and I was surprised LuHan didn’t. Then I looked at him and then noticed his sad eyes. I was so guilty for making him feel that way. I should’ve noticed, but I was too dense. He liked me this whole time and I didn’t even notice. I thought he only saw me as a friend like I saw him.

Eighth grade happened. He was thin and built. He was 6 feet tall and he was catching eyes from the girls. I didn’t care. He was still LuHan. As time went by, he went through girlfriend after girlfriend. Amongst the eighth graders, he was a player. He had girls and he knew which girl he could get next. Girls were confessing to him endlessly. I again was just a friend. My friend who was also his first girlfriend of the school year told him he was a player. She lectured him. He definitely didn’t want to be made out to be a player when he was just looking for love in all the wrong places. I get it. Well not really, but from what I observed and read, kids who had divorced parents turn out to be just like him. I couldn’t help but to comfort the poor guy who was on the verge of tears not trying to be a “player”. I sat beside him and hugged him as he cried into my shoulder. I wiped his tears with my sleeve as he kept telling he wasn’t a player. I kept agreeing with him until I cracked a joke to just see him smile. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him smile genuinely. We became even closer that he was like my best friend. People then thought we were dating, but that wasn’t it. As time passed, he confessed to me that he liked me. I was crushing on someone else though at the time. I was guilty again, but he said he would wait for me. He was dedicated. He waited and waited. When I started to feel something for him, I was in denial. I didn’t like him. Definitely not. That’s just how I thought. When he asked me out twice in just a few months, I rejected him both times. I was still in denial when all I could think about was LuHan.

As we approached the end of the school year, I found out he was now dating some innocent girl. He had kissed her before they even went out. I was heartbroken and I denied it. I denied anything to do with my feelings. I even tore them apart when I finally accepted my feelings after a week of denial and agony. I wasn’t trying to tear them apart, but I had written a note telling him that I liked him and I was also gave him a slight silent treatment. I felt like if I talked to him, I would start to cry. Out of the blue, he broke up with her. He stilled liked me in that way.

It was freshman year of high school or should I say IS? He liked me the whole time. Most of the year was nothing, but PDA. Not from us both, but it seemed like it was. He always hugged me or put his arm around my shoulder or we were just really close all the time. Even though I knew he liked me, he also knew I was crushing on the same guy I was crushing on before. He was still waiting for me. He was still popular with girls even with the noonas. He was very outgoing and everyone liked him. In other words, he was like a floater. I was an introvert. I made friends and only stayed in that circle. I slowly let go of whoever I liked before, but was too embarrassed to tell anyone.

He liked me until prom happened. He was asked to prom by a senior girl when he’s a freshman. She was really pretty. She seemed interested in him. He seemed interested in her too. I was going to tell him that I liked him, but I just ignored him because of my embarrassment. I had no idea of why I was being embarrassed. I was absent for a week of school because I was sick, but on Monday I received a call from my best friend, not his ex, but another best friend. I had like 3. I picked up the phone and answered with a tired voice. I thought it was her, but it turned out to be LuHan. She called me, but forced him to talk. I would like to thank her so much because I felt a little better that day. I came back on Tuesday the following week after Memorial Day. I was told by his ex, who is also my best friend, that he was rumored to have dated the senior girl, but broke up to get to know each other more. I felt heart broken. I had a meeting that day. Inside was the senior girl and I was a little upset. Yet I still smiled. I put on this façade like I didn’t care and that I didn’t like him. He came into the meeting and sat beside me. Even though he was next to me, he couldn’t keep his eyes off her. That’s when I knew I no longer had a chance.

Today or more specifically, at 10:30PM, I texted him. I asked him if he was over me and he said yes, but asked why I asked. I felt the pang, but replied. I told him that I liked him now, but my timing was just horrible. I was always bad at timing. When I liked him, he was with someone else. When he liked me, I didn’t bother to care. In the end, we just told each other that we would support each other a hundred percent with whoever we were with and what mattered was that we were happy. I am still heartbroken, but I know that he’s a good guy. He’s a great friend. I just wished I told him sooner, so that he wasn’t just a friend. I meant to tell him on the Tuesday I came back, but with the sudden news I was insecure with such a pretty girl as competition. I don’t know what’s going to happen now, but I feel like we’ll be awkward. Well I will. And when he reads this, he’ll know what I really felt and how I feel now.