There it is again, that sickening gut-feeling that tells him that he’s going to end up with no friends. He pushes people away involuntarily, as if on instinct; other human beings never understood him and he had the hardest time figuring them out, although it was painfully easy for him to read other peoples’ souls. He did it quietly and quickly, peering inside them and taking a look at their deepest, darkest feelings; souls are always visible to him, and sometimes he wished that he could make them go away.

He’s just a person, after all- a small, quiet and surprisingly strong person, and he often forgets that, or rather, knowing that he’s just a person acts as a constant reminder in his life, a reminder that the universe is huge and that life is short and people, no matter how smart or how talented or how bad they are, are always insignificant when you look at the big picture. People are insignificant in this astonishingly huge universe and it often baffles him how most people are unaware of this fact.

Kyungsoo’s small, yes. He’s small and thin compared to the gigantic Chanyeol and tall, awkward Wufan, and he’s small and quiet compared to Baekhyun and Zitao, that’s for sure. He’s not as nice as Junmyeon or as pretty as Luhan or as amazingly brilliant as Jongdae, and most of all, he’s just painfully aware of himself at all times. He’s aware of the awkward way he speaks or the stiffness that settles into the deepest parts of his bones when someone touches him, because honestly, no matter how close some people consider themselves to be with Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo has never really been close to anyone, not even his mother.

He’s fine.

He never understood the need human beings had to be with other human beings and he never really understood the need in friends; he sees his bandmates chat and bicker and he thinks that it’s okay, being friends with someone, but he’s never really seen the appeal of it.

Until now, that is. Kyungsoo stands on stage not as the simple Do Kyungsoo who just wanted to sing, but as charming, handsome, talented D.O, and honestly, sometimes he despises himself for having an alter ego. When he first started this whole idol business he thought that he should remain as human and natural as possible, but the industry left its mark on him, or rather, human beings left their mark on him- they’ve seen who he is naturally, and his true self isn’t good enough.

The truth is, Kyungsoo’s a painfully simple human being; always was, always will be. He prefers to stay away from other people because people tend to be awfully exhausting, and Kyungsoo doesn’t want to be exhausted- he just wants to live and be aware of the universe, and that’s it. And the truth is that if he’d die tomorrow, he’d die without anyone knowing him, the real him, and that bothers him a little.

An ocean of grey and Kyungsoo smiles a tiny, tired smile; the fans cheer and Sehun actually talks for once, his smile wide and his eyes looking dangerously wet, and Kyungsoo needs someone to know him and it hurts. Something breaks inside of him.

He hates physical contact and he hates it when Chanyeol carries him around like a ing toy poodle and he hates being at the center of attention and the irony nearly rips him in half; the man who hates being noticed is standing on a central stage with thousands of cameras pointed at his direction and even more fans staring at him eagerly. He hates physical contact and he hates being noticed more than anything, but he doesn’t really care right now; he just needs someone to know him.

Tears prick at his eyes and he turns around and breathes, fanning his face with a shaky hand. Layers of makeup hide the flush caused by a rush of emotions as Jongin notices him and smiles, walking over to place a hand on his shoulder and squeeze it tentatively, his eyes warm and slightly tired. And Kyungsoo does something he’s never done in his entire life- he steps forward and wraps his arms around Jongin’s torso, holding him tight and burying his face in his shoulder. He feels the younger freeze, but only for a second; Jongin’s arms envelope him and he rests his chin on Kyungsoo’s head, holding him safely.

Kyungsoo knows that Jongin loves him, and maybe he loves Jongin back, he doesn’t really know; but what he does know is that most of all, inexplicably and most importantly, Jongin’s as close as it gets to understanding Kyungsoo, and that realization has Kyungsoo sagging and sobbing into the younger’s shoulder, his body feeling weak with relief and completely high on adrenaline all at once.

Someone will know the real him if he dies tomorrow, and all is well in the universe.