I’m Sorry, My Love…
Pairing: Sihae.

Morning…
6:00 a.m: Wake up, go to the market, make breakfast.
6:45 a.m: He wakes up, has breakfast.
7:00 a.m: He goes to work.
And me, home alone.
…
Afternoon…
11:00 a.m: Prepare lunch.
11:30 a.m: He goes home.
12:50 a.m: He goes back to work
And me, home alone.
…
Evening…
5:00 p.m: Make dinner.
6:00 p.m: He’s home, eats dinner.
7:00 p.m: He watches TV.
9:00 p.m: He goes to bed.
And I am all alone, in the darkness.
…

Sometimes while doing the housework, I wonder who am I to Siwon? He never left his work. To him, maybe there are just thick files, tactics and graphics. Or there might be some other interests that I was not allowed to know.

We got married not because of love. Actually, just me love him. He is Choi Siwon, the chairman of a big financial company. Me, Lee Donghae, youngest son of a family in Mokpo. For your information, we are kind of poor.

Our dads were best friends since elementary. My dad wanted me to be his wife. He thought that this could makes my life better. I was 19 and he was 20 then. His family was the one who offer, though they know that I just finished high school, had no idea about economy and that I’m a GUY. Maybe what they need was a person can take care of the son for the rest of his life.

We lived in a High Class apartment in Kangnam. Our house has 6 rooms, which can be considered a little too much for couple. Living room is the first one you can see upon entering our house. Behind the living room is the kitchen, my most favorite room in the house ‘cause most of my time at home is in here. The smallest room is his study. I am not allowed to go in there whenever Siwon is not home. There are 2 bedrooms, the big one is his, the smaller is mine, actually, it’s the guest’s room. His room has a king-size bed, wardrobe fill with fancy clothes and a lot of things I could only watch on TV. I only go into it to clean up or prepare his clothes. Do not disturb when he’s working, don’t say anything or even stay around. Don’t go over night or meet friends too often. And most of all, don’t demand anything from him.

His mom gave me the paper written all the things I must do right the moment I step into this house. I learnt them by heart and now after 3 years of living together, I still remember them and follow like a machine.

No wedding party, no honey moon, no married certificate, no intimate moments, no love making. The only thing that make me different from a maid is the ring on my finger, but only me wear it. He never speak much to me, only some short sentences like “Yes!”, “OK!” are very often.

Siwon processes an emotionless face. The one and only time he touches me was when I accidentally brush my hand against his while handing him a shirt. Even we live in the same house, I always feel lonely. I was afraid he doesn’t remember my own name. I had no idea how I suffered those years. I thought it’s because I love him a lot.

…

One day, I realized the moment I must leave him has come. That night, his phone was ringing while he was in the bathroom. I wanted to bring it to him, of course I didn’t intend to check who was calling him. But when I touched it, he suddenly appeared and pushed to hard to the side, then grabbed the phone and went out after slamming the door hard, I was dumbfounded. Late that night and the next night, he didn’t come back home.

He has been treating me badly since the beginning. But he has never reacted that harsh. I always presume that he has a relationship with someone else out there. He is handsome, rich, talented, and obviously there must be lots of people want to be by his side. That’s the fact that I have to tolerate. But now his action confirmed it, I feel like my world is not shattered like glass, and I feel my mind went blank. I cried, cried a lot.

All the past years, deep inside my heart, I have thought that, though he never shows his affection for me, he still has some piece of love towards me, because I’m still his family.

But,

That is just my illusion, the one that brought me so much pain. I’m the one who is holding him back. I understand that there’s no reason for me to stay here.

…

I cleaned the house, ironed his clothes, prepared his meal for the last time. Then I left the house of Choi Siwon. He must be at the company now and it takes a long time until he goes home. And maybe he will never read the letter I left him, the letter with all my feelings.

…

I was staying with a friend. I would have to find a job, and a place to stay in the future. And most important, I had to go back to Mokpo and visit my parents. Since my marriage, I’ve never visited them. Just short phone calls, and they’ve always thought I was living a good life. But they’ll never know that I’m not.

…

My mind’s weird, really weird. When I was still living in the apartment with Siwon, I thought I was living in a cage. But now, when I was totally free from such cage, my heart is full of regret, sadness. Three years with lots of sad memories with the one I love. The first day of my freedom is just so depressed. I feel my eye-sight is getting blur.

Sometimes I miss him like crazy. I want to scream his name, want to break everything. But I can’t.

It’s simply ‘miss’ him.

…

I love fish. I love seeing them swimming peacefully inside the tank. I love taking care of them, feed them, change the water for them. When I see a couple of fish swimming together, I feel truly sad. God is so unfair. Even the fish has a partner, why can’t I? Why can’t I be with the one I love? Siwon-ah, why don’t realize how much I miss you, how much I need you by my side, how much I love you? And, I’m crying hard again.

…

I guess I’m crazy now. Whenever I see a tall figure, I would chase after it as if it was my Siwon. But my heart clenched when I know it’s not him. I smirked to myself, how could I be so stupid. I was the one who left him, and he would never want me back, never.

…

One day, while I was watching my fish, I heard the door bell rang. I was startle and got a scar on my face as I bump into the corner of the tank.”!” I cursed under my breath. This hurt like hell.

The door bell kept ringing annoyingly. Who could this be? Definitely not my friend. He had to work and wouldn’t be back until midnight. “Please wait for a while.”

Then the door slammed open loudly. Even in my dreams, I could never believe that Siwon would go find me. He could have asked someone come to my parents to inform them that I have run away or some thing like that.

But, Siwon was standing here in front of me, so close that I couldn’t even breath.

He was wearing a pair of jeans, striped shirt with a jacket, totally different from what he wears everyday.

He’s surprised by my poor outlook. His facial appearance is so complicated. This is the first time when I see him like this. Eyes with circle under them, his mouth opened then closed, looks like he wants to speak something. His shoulder shakes a little.

“Donghae-ah.” He spoke softly. He knows my name. He still remember my name. He has just called it. That’s right. He’s looking for me.

I feel my legs shaking. I don’t think I can stand properly anymore. I’m always touched by anything that is sweet.

Too much illusion.

“What are you doing here?” I took a step back, try best to be cold.

“I’m looking for you” He whispered.

My heart skipped a beat the moment I heard that sentence. That was the first time when he say something sweet to me. But I can’t let myself be weak, I must be stronger.

“What for?” I asked with a smirk

“I want to take you home” It took him a few second to reply. I could see sadness mixing with hurt and regret by looking into his dark orbs. When did he become so nice? Or he was just acting. Or is he pitying me? My heart clenched at that. All the feeling inside of me exploded.

“WHY DO I HAVE TO COME BACK??” I yelled at him. He seemed a bit startle by my reaction. Come back? Come back to those lonely days, being alone all the time, being hurt silently, living without hope? No way.

I must not cry, at least in front of this man.

“WHY DO I HAVE TO WASTE MY LIFE JUST TO LIVE IN THAT HOUSE WITH YOU? WHAT AM I TO YOU, CHOI SIWON? A MAID, A THING, OR A SLAVE?"

“No, Donghae, no. That’s-”

“Stop it. Who am I to you? The past 3 years I have to sleep in guest’s room, I am not allowed to stand close to you, mustn’t ask you anything, not receiving your love. SO TELL ME, WHO AM I?”

The feelings I’ve keeping inside my heart poured out like the rain. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not his wife anymore.

“I’ve tried my best to take care of you, silently suffering all the pain you gave me. In my heart there’s only you… But have you ever spoken a complete sentence to me? Have you ever smiled at me? Those 3 years was like hell to me. You only concerned about your company, your family, not me, Siwon, not me.”

No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t hold back my tears. I dropped to my knees in front of him, hid my face into my palms. My power has gone.

“I know I’ll never deserve you… I was wrong… wrong to love you… Don’t care about me… Don’t let someone like me to burden you…” I said while sniffing.

“No, Donghae, that’s not true.” I was startle when Siwon interrupted me.

Suddenly, he bended down, pulled me into his embrace “We misunderstood each other.”

“L-Let go of me. Please. I’m dirty. Let go.” I was panicked. I’m afraid that I’ll make his clothes dirty.

Until I felt the grip on my shoulder tighten that I calmed myself down. This could be considered the first time we touch each other. Gathering all my power, I pushed him away.

“Can you hear me? I said I’m dirty, don’t touch something dirty like me. Let go. I TOLD YOU TO LET GO.”

“It’s Ok”

“Siwon… Let-”

“It’s Ok, Baby” He replied then pulled me toward him and pressed his lips against mine. It was really sweet though it was too short.

“I love you” He spoke up.

“…”

“I love you with all my heart”

“…” I kept making non-sense sounds as I tried to stop crying. There’re still sad memories and feelings. I closed my eyes. Feeling so weak, I rested my head on his shoulder.

“You love me? Why did you do that to me?”

“I was wrong”

“Wrong?” I asked but don’t need an answer. He said he love me and that’s all I need. My heart is now filled with happiness.

“I thought you don’t love me. Our marriage is an arrangement and you were forced to marry me. I always reminded me not to love you. I became a work-aholic, paid no attention to you. I wanted you to leave me and find your own happiness.”

He whispered to my ears. His voice was low, it sounded like he was struggling not to cry out loud. I realized the hug is not only to keep me close, but also to keep him from collapsing.

“Why did you come here? I left you. Isn’t it what you want?”

“The letter you left me… You said you love me… That’s why I decided to look for you.”

“I left the letter only to let you know how I truly feel about you.”

“I understand.”

Pulled me a little closer, he started to tell me how he felt when I left him, how regretful about his action. We talked, but no looking in each other eyes. His head rested on my shoulder, warm breath on my neck. I snuggled to him, the feeling of his body against me felt so good. The view in front of me got blurred again. I couldn’t believe that was real until he kiss me gently on the lips. He mumbled after breaking the kiss,

“I love you, Lee Donghae and I’ll always do. Please come back and stay by my side.”

“I will, Siwon, I will. But you have to promise me something.”

“Ok.” Was he smiling? I could feel his lips curved a bit.

“You must speak full sentences to me. When you get home, you have to ring the bell and wait until I open the door for you like in movies.”

“Ok”

“You must buy me presents on holidays. Of course I’ll buy you something too. We have to take couple picture. And… Ah! You mustn’t sleep in the big room alone, must sleep with me in my room.”

“Baby ah, why don’t you come to my room instead. The guest’s room is kinda small, you know”

“Uhm. Whatever! When we sleep, you have to hug me, pat my back, and…”

“And what?” After that he bursted into laughter. At first I didn’t understand, but then my face was red all over as I tried to explain.

He lean closer and whispered into my ears “My wife really wants to make love with me. Uhmmm. Like it!!” Then he grinned devilishly.

“That’s not true” I said to defend myself. But the idea of making love with him is kind of interesting. Aish. Stop that Hae. Why I am so erted. God forgive me!

“Let’s go home baby” Siwon said while pulling me out of the house.

“My luggage? I’ll go pack quick and leave, alright?”

“Be quick! I can’t wait any longer” He smirked.

“Wait for what?” I asked innocently.

“To have you under my skin. If you’re slow, I’m gonna take it here then. Got it?”

“What a erted husband I have” I mumbled to myself.

“You said what?”

“Nothing”

“Ugh. Can’t wait anymore. I’m taking you now”

Then loud moans were heard from the apartment.