Title: 5/5

Straight on the point, short and precise which is good.

Forewords: 3/5

The blurb is clear but simple so it doesn’t give as much away. There’s not as much posters and other clutter making it easier to view. The cast list is simple but it does give away who likes who etc. Maybe put this in a separate section or even make it less obvious as to how things will happen. Like in manga’s the character profiles are brief and mentioned later on in the story line. Put the prologue in an actual chapter because technically a foreword just has a small sample of the story to give a teaser as to what they are actually reading.

Examples of parts I would put in a foreword for this story are:

I watched Oppa as he chained Kwangmin in the dungeon. I tried not to care because if I would, Oppa would be mad. Oppa was already mad, and he was disappointed with me.

I tried to tell him that he misinterpreted us, that I was just helping him. But his anger even got worst.

"He is your SLAVE!" he yelled. "Why would you help your SLAVE?!" he quoted the wordSlave. I know in some point, he is right. Unless, I am still not fully-evil like what he is teaching me.

I still have compassion. But I decided not to show that to him right now. His eyes were already red and I don’t want his anger to rose or else he could kill Kwangmin.

"I am very disappointed, Eun Bi." he continued. "I thought I could trust you when you brought that human here. He should be suffering under you. But what are you doing?"

"Oppa, nothing really happened. I was just---" I decided not to continue. I'd only say -help- and again, he will be mad.

"I will be punishing him tonight. Don’t even try to stop me." He half smiled. "And after my turn. It will be your turn."

"What? Why???" I demanded. "I can't do that!" and protested.

"You will. If you don’t, then I will kill you if I have to." He rolled his eyes and left. I watched him as he disappeared from the dark hallway.

Or:

"Mom --" I went on, "Ji Yeon - what are you two doing here?"

My mom stood up and hugged me tightly, "I was so worried about you. Me and your father were looking for you in the woods and Ji Yeon came with us after hearing you went looking for Eun Bi..." she lets go of me and her palms on my shoulder. I was speechless and her voice was also brittle. She cried softly. "But what is this place? Did they hurt you, huh? I saw their fangs - I saw them, it's impossible. Vampires, they are vampires!" she exclaimed. "We have to get out of here!" she held my hand, the one where my wrist was cut by myself and she noticed it. Her eyes widen again, "What happened to this?"

"It's..." I pulled back my hand. "Nothing, mom. Don’t worry."

"It's not anything! Who did this to you?!!" she yelled.

But then our conversation was cut off when Ji Yeon yelled Eun Bi's name.

"Eun Bi!" she called Eun Bi's name and stood up.

I turned back and there she was. She saw us. She was now face to face to her old best friend too.

Mom and Ji Yeon were both shocked. I could see Eun Bi was stunned and speechless especially when Ji Yeon ran to Eun Bi and hugged her. After that she cried and faced her. "What happened to you?" Ji Yeon was crying now, she was holding the cold hands of Eun Bi. 

But anything that’s a paragraph or less that has a small event happening will get the readers hooked.

Plot: 10 /15

 Usually I keep away from Vampire romance because of the overuse of it thanks to popular novels like Twilight, Vampire academy it seems almost every author believes that writing in this genre will make them a hit when this isn’t always the case depending on their target audience. While they hit it for young adolescent teenage girls for older women and guys they tend to stray. This plot has the typical clichés of a vampire novel as well as those romances established between a master and his maid. These are also reversed as for once it’s a male servant not a maid and the male master though the hierarchy of the vampires is similar to that of Twilight. But the story arc does take a different path later on in the story which is a great delight to an author who was expecting it to just have vampires and a slave living together.

The plot was alright but the mention of Dracula made me groan. If you needed a legendary vampire it might have suited the story better to come up with a Korean alternative of the name or even use a vampire from a Korean drama or movie. Dracula belonged to Transylvania for the sake of the believability I would suggest getting rid of him. 

There are scenes that are stereotypical to the actual romance genre but I would be doing a great disfavor by revealing all of them. Take the snippet where Kwangmin seems to be brainwashed. How many times have we seen a protagonist in the control of someone else and have the other cry and wail as they try and get them to remember?

Flow: 8/10

The flow is steady but it’s also rushed at parts. Particular story arcs are mentioned early in the story and if they had been mentioned later then it would have helped the reach the ultimate point with more tension.

There is the typical roller coaster romance. One of the characters realizes they are in love with their friend and it takes a while before the other protagonist realizes that they feel the same way and so goes a game of table tennis with this story but it enables the flow to be maintained throughout the story.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15

The grammar is rather good as well as the spelling and the actual vocabulary used.

She turned to the 4 guys , giving them the sign to leave us and they did after bowing at her. They left the room and closed the door.

Once again you’re using numerals when they aren’t necessarily needed and can be written as:

Four- Keep being consistent with writing them like this or like this: 4

“I know.” I said and sit up. “I know this is not my room. But can I sleep for a while?” I asked her.

The section: ‘I know’ is too short to be a proper sentence so instead of putting a full stop there make sure you put a (,) instead and leave the full stop after: ‘sit up.’

“I know,” I said and sit up.

Be careful about writing in past tense as well as active tense. It’s better to be active then passive so change ‘sit’ to:

‘Sitting’

If you did this then it would have to appear as:

“I know,” I said sitting up.

Also another fragmentation issue with the second part:

“I know this is not my room. But can I sleep for a while?”

It looks awkward when reading it but there is a pause there between the “But” and “room” so instead put a semi colon so it looks like:

“I know this is not my room; but can I sleep for a while?”

The “B” becomes a “b” because it’s no longer at the start of a sentence.

Taemin: Stop crying... please.

The dramatic pause makes it awkward so place the ‘please’ at the beginning of the phrase and the ellipsis can go at the end so it appears as:

Please stop crying…

"And I can't turn him into a wolf like me. I'm not that kind of wolf. When I bit a human, they don't turn into a wolf like me instead they just die. Except if I it was just a slight injury."

Get rid of the ‘I’ at the end:

“Except if it was just a slight injury."

Characterization: 9/10            

The characters are not so goody two shoes like the ones in the previous fanfic I reviewed for the author. The main character Kwangmin is sneaky when he wants to know about Eun Bi’s particular interests in other characters and Eun Bi has an ultimate vendetta as well. Taemin is the typical head vampire, greedy, over protective and moody at times.

I decided to do something different so I went and looked up the ‘celebrities’ blood types.

Sulli – O
Onew- O
Taemin – B

The only character I couldn’t get a blood type for was Eun Bi as well as for the Boyfriend twins. But these are the personality traits for the types:

Type O’s are outgoing, motivating, kind but also can be stubborn as well as being flexible and can be careless. They have a calm approach to doing tasks

Type B’s are curious, interested in a lot but can be antisocial and struggle to multitask.

The reason I did this was because I thought it would help me analyze the characters and how you portray them. Onew in the short time he was featured was indeed seen as a confident stubborn vampire who wanted the girl he loved. Sulli is the same; she is portrayed as a determined, hard headed with a strong personality which is fitting for the typical evil jealous antagonist.

Now blood types aren’t 100% reliable as you may know but I like to refer to them so I have an idea of how my characters should respond to particular situations etc and that’s just my preference in writing but sometimes as a fan fiction author you can create a different persona that you prefer. It depends entirely on you so I will leave you with this thought.

Originality: 9/10

You used different cast and personas which is good and the plot had me surprised at several points. The only disappointment was the supernatural reference because of how common it appears in today’s fiction.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

Overall Score: 56 /80