YEAR 2011: THE SCALE

HE spoke all high and might with sarcasm, acted big and tough by flapping that passport of mine to the point of teasing my face in it. Who would have a nice formal picture on ID card or even passport? I bet his is the same as mine, hideous.

With all those insults albeit playful, a name to behold and image to maintain, capability which often linked with high earnings, and recent schedule in which majority of them spent abroad, one would think that Kim Jae Joong’s idea of holiday is somewhere relaxing and out of the city bustle, sandy beach, cottages and heavenly food which can be acquired through private flight tickets and hours of travel time.

Copacabana, Brazil. Waikiki, Hawaii. Cancun, Mexico. South Beach, Florida.

Ah, too far?

Agnes Water, Australia. Bali, Indonesia. Phi Phi, Thailand. Boracay, Philippines. Hey, we still have Maldives!

No, too commercial?

Jeju, then. Jeju. Or Busan.

Instead I found myself, wearing one of his grey jumpers with its length ended at my thighs, queuing to buy two adult tickets to the amusement park downtown Seoul and him somewhere behind perfecting his camouflage.

*******

Somewhere along the hours spent queuing, observing, playing, riding, shouting, running, and eating, I found myself relaxing. Who would’ve thought that one of Kim Jae Joong’s wishes is to visit the amusement park leisurely? Now that he ticked it, he just couldn’t hide his grin as we strode out of the gate along with other visitors.

“I can’t believe we survived the amusement park.” I mumbled as we sat down on the bus.

He chuckled as he faced me. “Told you, I’m good at camouflage.”

I shook my head. He told me that he was going incognito for the day and convinced me to use public transportation to complete the theme; a very risky move to make but we did it nevertheless. At first I didn’t trust his decision, but spending almost the whole day with him really shocked me, moreover nobody seemed to identify him as the idol although we did avoid a very crowded area for safety purpose. I’ve never experienced such a day filled with lots of adrenaline pump before to the point of becoming paranoia too when we were in crowded place, it felt like people seemed to be looking at us when in fact not.

Sure, he wore normal clothes like black ripped jeans and grey hoodie, another outer white jacket and grey backpack that you can find from common sports shop. His shoes too, weren’t really that eye-catching. He put on his snapback and wore a mask, as if he was infected with flu. He said it’s his camouflage, I said it’s stupid since his height betrayed his incognito mode. Besides, no matter how he tried to make himself looked like a commoner; he simply couldn’t shrug his idol aura. Not to mention how he couldn’t leave his habit of checking himself on every mirror that we strode through, I had to yank him away forcefully to not stop at one place long enough to give the chance for people to absorb everything.

“Next time, make your face make-up free.” I grumbled. “And die your hair black, please.”

He grabbed my face suddenly and forced me to look at him, his eyes beamed. “Next time, you said it. Next time. It’s a promise!”

Of all the things that I nagged, he only caught the word ‘next time’. He is really something, isn’t he? I rolled my eyes at him and pushed his hands away, he laughed as I turned my face to ignore him but my lips managed to quirk up a little unknowingly.

*******

“He kidnapped me, insulted me and gave false hope. He confiscated my hand phone, and forced me to cater for his needs. I paid for his tickets and bus fares. I even paid for his lunch and desserts. Tell me, is that how you treat your supposedly younger bro?”

I found myself reporting everything that Kim Jae Joong did to me when we arrived at the agency building to meet up with his manager and team. He wasn’t supposed to wander around apparently, his manager and his team was in a frenzy state when we arrived. He nonchalantly pointed me out as his scapegoat. Of course, I retorted.

“Ah…sorry,” he said as he eyed me with resolution, and the others cracked into laughter. He took a wide stride to my direction, stopping a meter in front of me. I saw the edge of his lips quirked up a little before he bowed 90 degrees and say, “Thank you, hyung-nim!”

He skipped here and there right away; his airy laughs filled the room. I found myself giving up as I stood there speechless.

*******

Mimi, the only big sister I have inside C-Jes Entertainment, practically yanked me to join her on food binge. The last time I met her was like four months ago, I guess when I was helping here and there during JYJ’s interview for that American cable. Most of the time spent as Kim’s private messenger or even as the studio and atelier’s representative toward the agency, I seldom met the friendly and chubby coordinator.

“It’s nice to see that man up and about,” she said nonchalantly.

I gave her an once-over before continuing munching over fried chicken.

“He was a bit tense lately. Well, everyone was, considering how the pressure keeps on coming,” she huffed. “You’re aware of their situation, right?”

Despite my cold façade, I did know bits of it, considering how my past experience rotated. Rio followed each of Kim Jae Joong’s news; he was and still is Rio’s rock.

“He did an interview before, I think it’s before Taiwan concert… and he kind of spilled everything out which made most of us felt a bit…” she scratched her chin. “Burdened? Mmm… down? No… concerned. Yes, concerned.”

My left eyebrow rose. Something happened, it seemed.

“That man’s words became more genuine and not just light-hearted as usual. The interview session gotten really deep that he expressed his inner thoughts clearly on the situation with his former agency, colleagues, and juniors that kept on changing. He also talked about the wall that he formed slowly due to the sufferings and pain that left lots of scars within him.”

“How many interview he got that day?” I asked.

“So many,” she replied. “At some point, the interview involved soju too.”

I sipped my cokes and hummed. It must be a very casual interview then, or he must have known the interviewer. Rio did that too in Jakarta when his friend that works at a magazine company interviewed him. “No wonder,” I mumbled.

“Everyone thought that he might went into hiding, you know…that perhaps the walls that he builds is finally too big and that he got trapped?” she tilted her head and stared at me with that big eyes of hers.

I shook my head and said, “Impossible. He isn’t someone that will leave people he cherished just like that. He might wants alone time, but he surely wouldn’t just throw his responsibility away like that. He is a professional, and professional won’t do that.”

I guessed Mimi got surprised with my long answer, I too for a second there regretted for not be cautious enough with my impulsiveness.

“You’re not just the sister’s private assistant, right?” she looked at me with a glint on her eyes. “You’re more than that,” she continued.

“Professor Kim is the only guardian representative of mine here,” I replied solemnly, dismissing any peculiar thoughts that I was sure creeping into her mind. It happened with Rio before; people speculated my existence beside him when in fact he clearly didn’t see me that way.

Mimi nodded and mumbled to herself, “Well that explains the close ties between you and his family.”

I pulled the beef pepperoni pizza and bite it nonchalantly; do I have a very close tie with the Kim’s? Not really, our tie was restricted to the law of give and take. The ability to read through Kim Jae Joong’s mind, though, is acquired through my past experience of getting involved with Rio, a man with the same caliber of realms with Kim Jae Joong.

*******

The parquet floor exuded more than warm mood, I found it quite comfortable despite the stiffness probably due to my newly gained fat. How much food have I stuffed in? My body was sprawled all over the floor, the leftovers were all scattered at my side. Mimi has been going to and fro the toilet; I probably would join her soon. Perhaps, I shouldn’t indulge myself into food binge with Mimi.

But then again, if I didn’t join Mimi on her food binge then I wouldn’t get the chance to be piggybacked by Kim Jae Joong. He came earlier, grew amazed by the amount of leftovers that were practically foods container, and indulged himself within the most happening issue at South Korea revolving around the visual standard of having an ideal body.

As far as my stay at South Korea, almost everything was sold in small size and that petite women were seen everywhere. I managed to blend in nicely seeing how my height naturally came in handy as well as my pale skin gene that runs well in the blood of my family, the only problem was how I don’t have that milky skin as theirs although it’s really not a problem.

But when they reduce the standard into numbers, I couldn’t stop myself from stating my opinion out loud. Well, I might be petite alright but I’m not that thin. Kim Jae Joong brushed the issue away, probably sensing the heated up atmosphere, by joking how a woman’s weight could be consider ideal if he is still able to carry her around which resulting into him trying hard to carry Mimi around in order to boost up her confidence. He succeeded through his kind heart and strong will.

But of course, there will always be that one planted in each places. Lee Eun Hi, or best known as Hillary Lee –the newly appointed creative director whose beauty and body shape not in the least inferior to those top female idol’s– chose to not let it go easily as she directed her curiosity toward my overall visual. I highly doubt her to be irked over my mere existence, she has that golden ratio perfectly on spot while I have it scattered all around.

“Then what do you guys think of her while we all know of course Mimi unnie isn’t one to be on point,” she said with her American accent of Korean and pointed her slender finger adorned with expensive nail art to me. The perks of having born and raised in the land of Uncle Sam seems to be shaping her frontal personality, though I pretty sure she garnered a handful of haters for her intimidating demeanor –especially from the same gender– but due to her amazing skill on her field of expertise and ‘innocence’ vibe oozing out in contrast with her way of dressing herself, people couldn’t really confront her harshly.

I never like having all the attention to myself at once because if by chance I slipped up, all eyes will be witnessing how my impulsiveness reigned over me. I chose to focus my eyes on Mimi whose face has gone red partly because of the alcohol and partly because of trying hard to control her peeved state.

“We’re both considered foreigner, let’s be cool to each other.” She said as she raised her chin upward.

I wanted to sigh over her stupid statement; I am the official foreigner there while she still owns her original Korean surname. For someone as brilliant as her, she can be so obtuse sometimes. I’ve almost reach my one year stay at South Korea already, I know stuffs that isn’t being uttered honestly as what the world depicted through K-dramas.

“Karin-ah, you don’t have to tell people your weight. It’s private!” Mimi whispered into my ear and my lips hitched up a bit. Actually, what’s with all the fuss?

“155cm,” I replied nonchalantly. “43kg,” I shrugged. “It’s basically considered ideal from where I came from, and internationally accepted as that. I bet you’re aware of it too, yes?” I used English for it.

She smiled. “Strange, you don’t look 43 kg at all.”

I had the urge to roll my eyes; from the very first time I was introduced to her I knew that we would never click.

“Are you saying that Karin-ie is fat?” Mimi seethed. “Yah! Who are you to ju-“

Kim Jae Joong came to the rescue as he once again carried Mimi out of the room saying, “To the car we go!”

I gathered all my things and followed after shaking my head while others either chuckled or laughed as people one by one dispersed. A hand reached over my shoulder and spun me around. I was face to face with Hillary Lee.

“I’m not saying that you’re fat,” she said. “You just have to lose some excessive meat around your arm, stomach and thigh. Learn to paint yourself too while you’re at it. After all, you seem to be someone who will not leave our talent alone. Having one Mimi unnie is enough, don’t you think? There’s a kind of image the agency wants to uphold, you know, just saying...”

She might be carrying that American citizenship but blood is thicker than water, for sure. Just what the hell is wrong with this country and its possessiveness over one’s visual? And don’t get me to decipher her underlying statements. I refused to mind it though my mind did the opposite as always.

I stayed silent all the way back while Mimi couldn’t even stop for a second in expressing her hatred toward that Hillary. I didn’t even nag for being returned to the talent’s apartment, I made up my mind to just enjoy the night breeze and cool off my head on my way back later on to either one of my idiots’ cozy flat.

“Is it because of earlier?” I blinked when that question was directed to me from the talent, himself. He sighed and squatted down.

“What are you doing?”

He looked back and patted his shoulder. “Hop on, I’m more than sure that I’m able to carry you up to my apartment,” he said with a grin.

“Is it because of earlier?”

He narrowed his eyes at me. “Hop on while I’m still being nice. I won’t present you the chance of being piggybacked by me from here to my apartment for another time.”

“Who says I’m going up?” I asked. “I’m going that way,” I jabbed my thumb to the right.

“Where?”

“That way,” I jabbed again. “I’ve somewhere in mind,” I continued.

He sighed and slowly straightened up, towering me. “Hyung-nim, with all due respect, I know that you’re independent and manly enough to walk down the road off to somewhere, but it’s past midnight already and you won’t find any bus to take you-“

“I’ll hail a cab,” I cut in, did he just say that I’m manly?

“-and cab is too risky for you to take all the way back to your dorm at Ansan whose gate has been closed by the way-“

“I don’t plan to go back to the dorm,” I cut in again.

“-and you’ll not get a proper sleep at the studio or even at the atelier. Which mean-“

“No, not the studio or atelier either,” I cut in again and again, quite amused to see him babbling away ignoring me perfectly.

“-you’re left with the only two option, and that is either Min Kyeong noona’s apartment to which I doubt you’ll be getting a bed to sleep on since Ah Young noona has recently occupied the guest room-“

“I wouldn’t dare to interrupt professor’s sleeping time,” I butted in.

“-or my apartment,” he finally finished as he inhaled loudly and stared at me smugly.

“No, not your apartment,” I said, my right lips quirked up.

He blinked. “Then where do you plan to spend the night at? You skipped Mimi’s place already.”

I tilted my head and said, “I still have friends.”

“It’s impolite to intrude their place past midnight,” he countered quickly.

“I’ll bet my whole fortune that both my friends are still wide awake at this hour,” I smiled sweetly.

He closed his eyes and bit his lower lip before he sighed and took a step forward. In a swift motion he caught my left hand, pulled me in as he crouched down and suddenly I was being piggybacked by him.

“Hyung-nim, just let me take care of you in favor of what you did for me today, okay?” He said as we got in the lobby. “Oh by the way, you have a cute shriek there, hyung-nim.”

“You kidnapped me, insulted me and-”

“Hey, I didn’t! The ahjumma called me to pick you up!” He argued.

Oh, so that’s why I ended up at his place. Of all the people on my phone address list, why would the ahjumma called him? Nevertheless, he did insult my face pasted on my passport so…

“-you forced me to wear your worn-out sweater.”

“Hey it’s not worn out! Just so you know, it’s my favorite cashmere sweater. Besides, would you rather wear your own clothes reeked with soju?!” He countered.

He could’ve waited for my clothes to be sent back up from the laundry before we went to the amusement park but he chose to drag me out ignoring my complain perfectly so…

“You have your make-up on even though you’re the male while I, the female, showed my bare face to the world.”

“Eyh… You know how we’re expected to present our best anytime and anywhere, hyung-nim. This is a harsh world,” he said as we stopped in front of the elevator. “Punch the up button, please,” he said.

I was planning to kick the up button when I heard a hurried step from behind. The security person helped punched the button for us, and he offered a thank you to the security person while I got scanned in awe by the one who helped us punched in the up button. I know, I was ugly with no paint on my face. Paint. To think about it, I got scolded by that Hillary Lee whose beauty beyond my league due to a certain talent that she looks after. It’s not a harsh world, it’s him who was harsh at me so…

“You confiscated my hand phone-“

“So that you won’t be bothered with your jobs while we’re having fun…,” he sing-sang as the elevator door opened.

The security person helped us punched the right floor button and was gifted with another smiley Kim Jae Joong again before the door closed in. I remained indifferent as my mind recalled the whole experience at the amusement park. I didn’t feel like having fun, more like experiencing a mild heart attack every time I heard people shrieking around so…

 “And you left me to queue by myself under the scorching sun while you’re cooling off by yourself,” I waited for him to do some counter attack but he kept silent. “I even paid for everything today!”

His lip thinned out as he stared at me through the reflection on the door.

“What?” I asked as I sensed his piercing gaze on me.

“I…,” he stuttered. “Sorry,” he looked down and bit his lip.

I wanted to chuckle, really. He looked like a hopeless kid with that pouting mouth of his. Grilling people guilty was fun; it’s the one thing that I enjoyed doing for people like Rio. “What’s the reason?” I asked.

He looked up to stare straight at my eyes through the reflection. He bit his lower lip and blinked repeatedly. “I…,” he hesitated. “Forgot to bring my wallet with me…?”

There was a pause before he muttered under his breath, curses as he shyly looked at me. “Just laugh if you want! Aish! It’s embarrassing, really… Aish…”

And laugh I did. He shushed me when I couldn’t control my volume as we strode through the hall and arrived in front of his apartment door. He squatted down a bit for me to punch in the password, the door beeped and opened for us. When I told him to let me down, he refused adamantly stating how I might bolt out of the door once I got my foot connected to the floor. So he carried me all the way, stopping at the kitchen to have me taken out a bottle of water and helped him to it before we reached the guest bedroom. He plopped down on the bed and let me free.

“Do you know,” he said as he turned his body to face me. “That you’re as light as a feather?”

My left eyebrow rose.

“I’m being serious,” he said with serious face. “You are as light as a feather that I could carry you all the time and I wouldn’t mind it.”

“Does that mean I’m not fat?” Funny how I got irked by Hillary’s preaching all of a sudden.

He was taken aback, his forehead creased. “Don’t tell me you actually got Eun Hi’s word to your heart?”

I wasn’t supposed to, I know. I kind of gave away my insecurities, didn’t I?

He sighed. “I didn’t expect that from you. Never in my wildest dream to think that you would be disturbed by her words. You’re supposed to stick with your cool persona.”

What was that supposed to mean?

He flicked my forehead and while I let out an ‘ouch’, I sensed him grinning from ear to ear saying, “Your bare face is cute! So, where are we going for next time?”

My jaw dropped before I gave him my stinky eyes. “There won’t be next time!”

“Ah why?!” he protested. “Hyung-nim!” he called out when I decided to turn my face away from him.

“Hyung-nim…,” he scooted closer and poked my arm.

“Hyung-nim, whatever.” I mumbled out.

“Then…,” he said. “Lil bro?”

I glared at him.

“Next time, everything is on me, I promise!” he declared.

I scoffed.

“Come on, lil bro!” he pulled the hem of his sweater that I was wearing.

“Copacabana, Brazil. Waikiki, Hawaii. Cancun, Mexico. South Beach, Florida.” I spelled it out. “Agnes Water, Australia. Bali, Indonesia. Phi Phi, Thailand. Boracay, Philippines.”

He looked at me incredulously.

“No?” I tilted my head. “Maldives, then?”

He blinked twice.

“Jeju, jeju.” I said. “Or Busan.”

His lips flattened. “Is that what you call the right of a lil bro?”

“I will not go to the amusement park or the likes of it with you ever again!” I declared.

He gasped and faked a hurt expression before his face grew flat. “Fine.”

Perhaps I’ve been long given up to my impulsiveness that night as I beamed and raised both of my fists up high which prompted him to smile wide and joined me to have some fists pump.

“Yay, then it’s settled!” he declared and I nodded vehemently. “Okay, hands!”

I offered him both of mine and we high-fived again and again, all while being generous with our pearls.

“Next, stand up!”

I stood on top of the bed abruptly like being hypnotized, probably due to being eager of his antics. He has that reckless dance he often showed everyone whenever he was idling around while in a good mood.

But then instead of doing that signature silly dance of his, he reached out something from his pocket and hooked it on my ankle. I felt a feathery touch on my left ankle and as I looked down, there I found his gift for me.

“I lied,” he said. “And for that, I’m sorry. For leaving you to deal with ticketing, I’m sorry. For having you paying for all my needs today, I’m sorry.”

I was blank when he tilted my chin up to face him.

“I always enjoy my time with you,” he said. “So we’ll go.”

I was lost.

“Brazil. Hawaii. Mexico. Florida. Australia. Indonesia. Thailand. Philippine.” He continued. “Wherever it is, we’ll go.”

Okay?

“Didn’t you hear me before?” he asked seriously. “You’re as light as a feather,” he squeezed my ankle, the one hooked with the anklet as he continued. “That I wouldn’t mind to carry you with me all the time.”

He pulled it roughly and I lost my balance right away but he helped me sat down gently on the bed before trapping me in between his strong arms. I leaned back but he advanced his way to mine.

“Yeah, I’m not fat. That much, I know.” I blinked couple of times, trying hard to decipher his action and his words combined. “Don’t worry, I’m cool.”

He shook his head. “You don’t get it.”

“What?”

“What I’m saying is that,” he his lips. “Let me carry you, Miss Kim.”

Inside me, there was a giant scale. Its existence was to remind me of my purpose. It had been disrupted by Rio, the fallen angel, before so I didn’t really pay attention to it. But now, my heart chose to point it out. That the scale was actually functioning well and that it finally was balanced again.

“How in the world that I could let myself calling you all those inappropriate boyish nicknames when you’re behaving so cute like this?” he chuckled and he rubbed the anklet. “Always wear it, okay?”

“Okay?” he asked once again with his narrowed eyes when I didn’t reply.

I nodded once and he chuckled again.

“Sweet dream, Miss Kim,” he said and he leaned in to kiss my right cheek. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

He retreated back to his bedroom located beside the guest bedroom. My breath staggered and I realized I was holding my breath all these times.

Oh the scale was working alright; in fact, I could quite grasp the reason behind its balanced form and I was not ready, so not ready to face it all over again.