a/n: this is my message to all you "young adults" a guide on how to survive growing up, even when it seems impossible at times. At first it seems like it's just ranting (which it is) but it smooths out into a story, somehow. Even if you're stubborn, take everything I say here to heart. Lightly, though. If this story helps you, makes you cry. Good, child. Good. Laugh it off, wipe off you tears and make a plan. Tell yourself 'it'll get better, it always does' and try not to worry. You are young, you still have a light. Do not let that light be jaded because of the nasty things at your feet, walk lightly, feel lightly, cope lightly.

I use a lot of metaphors, because I am quite the poetic-metaphoric writer, and I think I wrote how my thoughts are processed. Because this style of writing is strange for even me.

a farewell to arms;

 for the end of my first love.

"It's dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you're feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days... Lightly, lightly—it's the best advice ever given to me... So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, at your feet, trying to you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That's why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling..."

— Aldous Huxley, Island

It's hard to sometimes, to grow up, it really is difficult.

Nothing can prepare a teenager for the grief, the anguish and the pain they will feel for 6 years. From 12 to 18. Towards the end, it gets better, for god ing sake, it gets better, it has too. But no one quite prepared Chanyeol for everything he had to face, for all the demons he had to fend off with a wooden stick, blood flowing all around him. TV shows are wrong and parents never talk about those feelings, and when they do they just say things like 'It's just a phase' but to someone that's drowning, all they hear is the swish of the water crashing over them.

It isn't high school. High school isn't hard. Sure, their might be mean people and even meaner adults, but that isn't the hard part. The hard part is to wake up early everyday after a night of not sleeping, body thrumming in pain when nothings even happened, and to be expected to smile and socialize and be ing goddamn ing happy. It's impossible. Completely impossible. He'd know, forcing smiles is his ploy, he's a genius at it.

Sometimes it's too hard, sometimes it's just impossible to wake up and say 'I'm okay I'm okay'. And there's no reason, no facts or anything. Just a bunch of grief shoved into some chest that's supposed to be growing up into a fine socially acceptable adult.

All he's managed to understand since he was 12 is that his limbs are awkward, he hits things even when he doesn't mean too, and that sometimes he can breath if he inhales really, really hard. Adult, who claims that a bunch of two-digit children are adults? Growing into adulthood? Chanyeol's spent 4 years in a school with 80% of a student body he hates, only to learn math and the composition of English—what's taxes? How do you handle the stress? What can he do when he can't live at home and there's no jobs that'll take him?—school never taught him the important things, the things he needs.

But maybe it's just the bitterness of suddenly being told 'You're graduating, congratulations and welcome to taking care of your own !' A month away and all he's managed to do is to shove his head further up his and hope that he manages to graduate with high enough grades so he can still get into that university that accepted him.

Maybe it's the bitterness of going to a far away school from all his friends, the friends he built real attachments too—not those fake friends, the type of friends that he feels at home with—and no one but him seems to realize that soon, so very soon, all his friendships will be like grasping needles the wrong way. Things change, they always ing change. He's moved enough to understand that. Once you leave home, it's never the same.

But above all, he realizes, the prickliest of the needles is Baekhyun.

His life is a string of bad events attached to even worse events.

That's just the way it works, he guesses. That things happen. He doesn't let it drag him down too much, if his mother wants to hit him and cry that she loves him at the same time; fine then, be it. That's fine. If his father wants to drink till he's collapsed and screaming in rage, cursing the world that's abandoned him, that's fine. Nothing to do with Chanyeol. He can plug in his earphones and chase away the noise. Denial is a fine attribute to have, even though therapist say it ain't, it really is. It helps the struggling ones keep afloat.

If he has to move houses every 2 months because his dad does something stupid, or his mom forces him to do something stupid. That's fine, cope with it lightly and smooth things over. Never worry too much, it'll work out eventually, some how. Deal with things lightly, never too much, and never all at the same time. Make a list, check off the important parts and put stars around the ones that need to get done first.

He always got his priorities wrong in the beginning. When he first started high school his life revolved around grades and certain family members, but that isn't what the path paved before him decided. His life was dragged around, he was pulled around by the ear and forced to stare into big bright eyes that made him trip.

Byun Baekhyun came into his life like a hurricane, not a good one either. He washed Chanyeol over with emotions he's never felt, and things he never thought. He forced him to open his mouth, and cry when he was in pain. Baekhyun was his light, something he was absolutely ready to sacrifice anything for. And that's the way it should be with love, but only love that's returned.

He's spent too much time writing letters to nobody because of Baekhyun.

When Chanyeol falls in love, he falls in love deeply. He suffocates himself in it. Suddenly Baekhyun became his favourite person, the person he'd text every morning—against Baekhyun's will—and the first person he'd ask opinions about things on. He'd shower Baekhyun in love and affection, buy him things even when he didn't ask and shield him from the bad things around him. He always made sure to keep a close eye on Baekhyun, to be the out-most sensitive of Baekhyun.

Which, is all nice said and done, but it was the most exhausting thing Chanyeol's ever done.

To fall in love is beautiful. It truly is. Ever since he fell in love with Baekhyun he can smile easier, his gaze always searching for him, and every time Baekhyun speaks a smile just crawls onto his lips. Baekhyun likes hugs, likes to make jokes, Baekhyun likes to be around Chanyeol because Chanyeol loves to feed Baekhyun's ego.

But like all one-sided sob stories, it ends.

He realized that the person he felt closes too didn't feel close to him at all, and that if he let go of that person, they wouldn't come trying to reach out to him anymore.

Baekhyun is a lovely person. He really is. He loves Chanyeol in one of the most platonic ways possible, he is attentive to Chanyeol—not as deeply, but it's still there—but Baekhyun never reaches. Maybe it's because Baekhyun's mother left when he was young, and despite what Baekhyun says, it did leave scars. The scars of being unable to trust people fully except for his father.

And the worst part of it all, Chanyeol can't even blame Baekhyun for being so far away from him when all he's been doing is reaching, reaching and reaching for him, because Chanyeol is a balloon. His strings aren't tied into the ground, and any moment he can fly away. Baekhyun's scared of people like him, and so, his feelings for Chanyeol never run as deep, to protect himself, really.

The last year of high school actually does fly by.

Teachers told him that in the beginning, but he never believed them. How could the most tedious year fly by? But it does. By the time May comes rolling around, everyone is running around in circles headless because they're unsure, so lost and left wandering. Everyone's stress levels are on high and that's when true friends begin to stay and bad friends begin to go.

The ones that can't live in high school are slowly weaved out, and as bad as that sounds, it's true. The friend that's too obsessed with the internet and never really hung out with friends all too much before, will disappear. The extremely stressed and suicidal kids, will disappear. Those that couldn't survive, float away. The friends that you don't expect to slip through your fingers, do. And then it's too late too save them. It'll always be too ing late, but it ain't anyone's fault. Things happen.

Some friends will start up bad habits in the last year. Some will begin to smoke, some will begin to become vicious in personality, some will take up drugs and some will try to numb the pain with smokes, and jokes, and lies.

By now, relationships will have ended and some new ones may begin. Many will be gathering dates, and the high school sweet hearts that were thought to last forever, will end. There'll be rumours, and there'll be someone that everyone will hate. There'll be someone that oppresses others and someone that makes everyone laugh. People will begin to play favourites and people's nasty sides will show like sharp teeth, now. Because the year is ending, they're all graduating. The ones that aren't needed will be thrown aside.

Lots of people will try to be losing weight, all the guys pretending to love salad and going to the gym. Some will starve themselves and develope eating disorders they will always deny. Don't comment, tell them they're beautiful every way they are. Don't encourage or discourage them. Make a friend that'll keep all secrets they are fed, because this year, something bad will happen to you.

Someone may die, a friend may die—drunk driving, overdose, suicide—and it may even be your fault. It might not, but you'll still blame yourself. A friend may spiral into depression and there'll be no way to help them. Family may become like poison, or maybe even friends. That's why you need a safe haven, someone that'll keep everything they are fed and comfort you in your worst hours. Because you'll need it, you'll ing need it.

This year, or maybe for the next 6 years, when the mirror is there, there'll be a feeling of bitterness that settles in the stomach. A hard coil that snakes within veins and whispers nasty things such as 'fatass, when do you plan on losing those 15 pounds of fat?' It's in everybody. Don't be fooled.

Skinny people hate themselves, fat people hate themselves, as long as you let the snake whisper to you, you'll hate yourself. Start each day and say 'I lost weight' or 'I'm a goddess' if you say it enough, you'll eventually begin to believe it. Repetition.

Try to sleep. Try to sleep, oh dear lord, please sleep. It is 2am that takes the children into the realm of monsters, it'll lure you with sweet whispers of self-pity and self-hatred, but that's an act. It's a play waiting for you to star as the main actor. Do not take up the role. Self-pity will be something that always threatens to surface, but push it back down. Be optimistic, even when you can't.

You'll fall in love with somebody you can't have. Everyone does, and if you don't, good for you. You'll fall in love with somebody that's toxic, you'll fall in love with somebody that you're toxic too, you'll fall in love with the happy kind and get bored, you'll fall in love with somebody that makes you cry.

It all passes with time.

Graduation comes too soon, faces that he hates lined up in rows but he can't help but cry.

Baekhyun pulls him over by his elbow, and he flashes a smile for a camera despite the fat tears rolling down his face. His curly hair bounces, and Baekhyun leans into his side, fighting back tears, but failing.

"We'll always be great friends, right?" Baekhyun whispers, drunk with sleepiness and eyes wide with nervousness. Chanyeol is a fantastic liar, high school kind of teaches those helpful skills: how to be deceitful. He leans back into Baekhyun, allowing himself to indulge, one last time, his arm curling around Baekhyun's waist.

"Forever."

Baekhyun's warmth leaves too soon, his father calling him over for more pictures with different friends. Everyone has mixed emotions, some people are just bawling and others are laughing despite the pain. Chanyeol is the latter, leaned against the wall with his grandmother chatting his ear off. The warmth of Baekhyun coils around his body protectively, reminds him how much he loves Baekhyun. How deeply he feels and how it'll all end. It'll end, it'll end.

It'll end without a single confession and 'I love you's left unsaid.

Baekhyun turns around, flashing him a teary smile, and Chanyeol collapses to his knees, arms wrapping around himself as he cries.

Chanyeol misses the warmth, but he does not call it back.