Early Spring 2015

Getting too engrossed in recounting the past, my gaze drifts away from Junghwan’s attentive eyes. It is only when I finish the story and focus back on him that I realize he is tearing up. I squat down to meet him at the eye-level and firmly hold his shoulders. “Why are you crying?” I ask anxiously, “Do you remember now?”

He sniffs and then clumsily sweeps his tears away with the back of his right hand. “No, it’s just that – I’ve been looking at you the whole time, and hearing you speak.” His eyes are beginning to well up again and on the brink of overflowing.

“Hyung,” he says, “you must have really loved that noona.”

Startled, I gape and then stare back at him blankly. A stutter falls from my mouth. “W-what?”

“It’s clear from the way you talk about her,” he replies with an endearing smile. “And I know… I must have loved her too.” He turns to look up at her memorial tablet, straining his neck and squinting his eyes to get a clearer view. It’s nearly identical to how he looked back then when I found him outside the burning orphanage. A pang of sourness strikes through my body, but I simply swallow a gulp and then ruffle his hair.

“Silly boy, you can always ask hyung for help, you know?” I say, feeling a tug at either end of my lips. I give an airy chuckle and then squat down with my back facing him. I swerve my head around to look at him. He pauses, blinks with a clueless expression for a second, and finally breaks out into a wide grin. He climbs onto my back and after ensuring he's secured, I stand up in front of the tablet again, and this time, he can also see Eunji’s beautiful face.

“Pretty,” he says softly, but his voice resounds with a clear ring right beside my ear. He continues slowly, almost in a whisper, his words b with untainted sincerity. “Eunji noona… is a really pretty person.”

I close my eyes quietly, emotions washing over me like a tidal wave upon hearing the sensible little boy’s words. I feel my eyelids and lips begin to quiver vigorously as I try to fight back the outpour of immense longing.

Junghwan moves just slightly and speaks up once more. “I wish I could meet her again. I want to know her all over again. And I want to thank her for loving me and taking care of me.”

I shut my eyes even tighter in a last attempt to lock my tears within but it is all futile. It’s just a matter of time before these shaky walls crumble. I let go and exhale, releasing all my pent up emotions, deciding to face everything once and for all. I let go and cry, without a care for how the world would see me in this instant. (Are ruins always a bad sign? I don’t think so.)

All of a sudden, I feel moisture on my right shoulder. I struggle in turning my head and only barely manage a view of Junghwan’s profile, so excessively close up that I can’t see his face properly. He notices my movement and let slip a giggle.

“Hyung, you’re finally crying,” he points out. I can almost see the wide smile gracing his lips.

“Hey,” I meekly call. "Don’t laugh at me. I know men aren’t supposed to cry but –”

“No, what are you talking about?” he cuts in with a defensive retort, “A real man shouldn’t hide his tears. You have to be really strong to face your weaknesses. That’s really powerful.”

I can’t help but laugh in amusement (and maybe a bit of embarrassment). I’m a twenty five year old learning from a nine year old. It’s surprising how much sensibility can come from children.

“You’re right,” I muse in response to his words. “That must be why you’re crying too. You’re really strong, Junghwan.”

At this moment, I hear a familiar voice piping up from the near distance. “This is already a great improvement. You should’ve seen how much he cried the first few years.” A surfacing smirk plays on my lips and I turn around to see none other than Jung Soojung. An effervescence of warmth rises up within me upon locking eyes with her. I have this unexplainable feeling – from mentally skimming everything we’ve been through, and then knowing that we’re here now. Like flipping through a book you’ve read, seeing glimpses of different pieces from progressive time (but recalling every detail of it), and finally arriving at the end. It’s a little sad, but strangely liberating.

“Junghwan and I have established that crying is something strong people do,” I say matter-of-factly, not hiding the mild upward curve of my lips.

She returns with the same affectionate smile, but has a somewhat enigmatic gaze. “I’ve missed you, Howon."

After a lingering moment of stark silence, she adds enthusiastically, “And you too, Junghwan!” She tilts her head slightly while looking at him and taps his nose lightly with a finger. He scrunches his nose and then laughs heartily. “Soojung noona!” He attempts to give her a hug, forgetting that he’s still on my back like a koala. His outstretched arms push my head forward a little by accident, so I find my face a little too close to Soojung’s. We freeze for just a second before I turn to Junghwan with narrowed eyes and a wry smile. He giggles embarrassedly while apologizing. I squat down to place him down and the two exchange their long awaited hug.

While Soojung gives Eunji her own personal message, I retrieve the worn-out purple card from my duffel bag. I keep it in a clear folder, which I place in a drawer at home on normal days, so it’s better preserved than it would otherwise be. I contemplated on whether to laminate it, but I don’t want to lose the ability to caress its crumpled surface and burnt edges, and to run my fingers across Eunji’s quaint handwritten letters. For years I've had a great obsession with it, looking at it everyday, and then every other day. It is now a monthly thing, but I want to take a leap from here.

“To be brutally honest, Lee Howon, if you still look at the card regularly, how can you ever let her go? It’s like walking in a circle just to return to the same point again. There’s just no way.” Soojung had told me that just earlier this month. I knew she was dead serious because she doesn’t ever call me by surname otherwise. “You think you’re getting better when you walk away, but then you find yourself back there. It tears you apart even more. I know because I’ve been there before.” And she was spot-on.

Junghwan’s voice breaks my cloud of thoughts. “Oh!” he exclaims and drops his volume as the words fall like scattered raindrops. “It’s – this… card.” Instinctively, I turn to face him. The gleam in his eyes shows that he’s finally meeting Eunji again after four years, in the invisible dimension where past is transposed on present, and nothing is too quixotic. I hand him the card and he looks at it from all angles possible, as if not wanting to overlook any inch. He runs his fingers across the styrofoam cut-outs like I’ve done so many times that I lost count. He lays his touch on Eunji’s message next (it’s surprising how alike we actually are), and I can vividly remember the little bumps and engravings of every alphabet. I hold my breath for a moment to stifle the increasingly pulsing ache. I didn’t even realize when Soojung was done with greeting Eunji, but she’s already beside me and she picks up my hand. The ache disperses a little upon her touch and in what seems like a reflex move, my hovering gaze sweeps across to meet hers. She simply gives me a tender, reassuring smile. What is exchanged in this moment cannot be expressed with all my language fluency. A small bud of warmth sprouts and slowly grows.

Junghwan soon returns the card to me. I take a final long, good look at everything, and feel every bit of the card, down to its fragile edges, one last time. I put it back into the folder, and then place it vertically against the inner wall of the enclosed space where memories of Eunji will never fade away.

Just as we’re about to leave, we hear footsteps approaching the very lane we are in. I raise my head and come face-to-face with Kim Shinyoung. It isn’t alarming at all, considering the fact that she made it a point to come down every year even when she stayed in another city. She’s now in the process of moving back to Seoul, and these days, she’s taken to volunteering at the very orphanage which she grew up in. I guess that’s the reason why she has a longer message today.

I glance at everyone – Junghwan, Soojung, Shinyoung… Eunji. Our story began nine years ago, and it has brought us to where we are now. We’ve gained, we’ve lost, and we’ve grown. Nothing will ever stay the same, but that’s okay. My life is a lake that's coming to a still after a strong ripple. Where will it go from now? I don’t know, and I will never be sure until I meet the future. But for now, I’m okay. I’m more than satisfied with my stash of precious times – in particular, the days we spent stumbling, and daydreaming together. And I’m crossing my fingers that in the future, the springs in which we were together – and the springs which so relentlessly remind me of her – will no longer be accompanied by a drizzle of tears, but only be my warmth when life is a howling blizzard.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good in one's lifetime."

-- Ecclesiastes 3:11-12 (NIV/ NASB)

A/N: Thank you everyone who finished reading this story, especially those who had to deal with the looong waiting times in between chapters (I'm so sorry orz) In any case, I just realized this is the longest story I've ever written in the recent years, so it definitely has some sort of sentimental value for me ;_; To be honest, I feel that the story got a bit disorganized as I lost momentum in between but I really hope it has still been an enjoyable read for you! (":