chanyeol has always been one that likes to think of what-ifs. will he have more fans if he stop smiling so widely? will he be a good dancer like jongin if he picks up ballet? will sehun like him more if he is more dependable? will his life be any different if "wings" doesn't exist?

the day the government announces the mandatory use of "wings", the world went into a frenzy. "wings" is a drug that the government has been testing on for the past decade, citing that it will be the world's solution to peace . it works similarly to dissociative anesthesia, effectively removing human's ability to feel without hallucinations as a side-effect. society is supposed to be more efficient, seeing how everyone will cease to act on impulse, instead making calculated decisions which will ensure the stability of the nation. that is all chanyeol knows about the new drug, and the fact that he is slotted to take it one week later at 12pm.



the fact that there will be no more need for artists, idols, or entertainers of any sort come as an afterthought. after he sees the maknae line breaking down, curling themselves in a corner refusing to respond to any calls of their names. after he sees the chinese members call their parents in a frantic manner, doing their best to keep a calm voice despite the obvious trembling. after he paces around the room forcing a smile on his face in an attempt to ignore the fear growing within him.

sm decided to give them a break, as a reward for their contributions for the past few years (even though they know that they company is shutting down for good) and no one can find it in them to celebrate even when it was their wish less than one week ago. junmyeon stopped trying to make everyone feel better with his incessant nagging after two hours, choosing to go home and meet them straight in the company on the day of their scheduled shot of "wings". one by one, the initially boisterous dorm empties, leaving the echoes of fear, bitterness, sehun and him.

"hey," he approaches sehun who is permanently stuck to the corner of the living room after seeing kyungsoo out. the everything will be okay withers in his throat, and he opts for dragging the non-responsive maknae into his arms.

sehun doesn't reply, but he knows how much the younger boy needs this hug with the way he leans in a little closer, and tilts his head so that their bodies will be better aligned. chanyeol wishes that he had done it sooner.

"how can you still smile?" sehun asks after a few hours, when the sun has set and he has lost all the feelings in his arms.

chanyeol takes a moment to think, before bringing up the smile that he always uses for the stage. "i'll always smile no matter how difficult it is," and because this might be my last time to experience itreverberate loudly in the room.

the younger boy doesn't reply, raising his hands to tug at the upturned corners of chanyeol's mouth till it becomes a frown. "i like this better," he whispers before leaning on the shoulders once more eliciting a small laugh from chanyeol. he had been smiling non-stop for the past few hours, but this is the first time he genuinely feels it.



they choose to stay at home, eating the leftovers from the previous week rather than brave the dangerous streets that are full of people rioting. sehun picks at his pizza, throwing all the vegetables onto chanyeol's piece as they watch fifty first dates that is replaying on television for the umpteenth time.

"how nice will be it if i can forget everything too." sehun sighs, draping himself over the arms of the sofa.

chanyeol knows that sehun means no harm, and that everything is a reaction to having to take "wings" in less than a week, but it still hurts to know that sehun doesn't want to remember him, when all he wants to do is imprint sehun's entire being into his conscious for an eternity.



sehun slips into his bed that night, curling into his sides as they sought comfort from each other wordlessly.

"i wanted to do this for your birthday, something like a surprise after acting tsundere for so long. but i guess, i should do it before we forget how to feel." there is a small smile on sehun's face, something that chanyeol used to love, but abhors at this moment. "i actually like it when you tries to hug me to sleep," he confesses, "even though i threaten to kick you out." chanyeol's grip tighten as his heart clenches in response.



he is flipping the bacon when arms circle around his waist, making him jump.  sehun croaks out "good morning" in a sleepy voice before turning him around and pressing a firm kiss on his lips. "something that i had always wanted to do too," he says before slinking off to the bathroom.

throughout the day, sehun did things that are highly uncharacteristic of him. he fed chanyeol ice-cream, willingly helped to wash the plate while having a mini soap-fight, and made chanyeol backhug him and walk around the house in that manner.

he was never an overly affectionate maknae, leaving the job of whining and acting cute to tao when they are away from the camera. "i've been wanting to do all those." he explains. chanyeol sends him a judging stare, after which he quickly defends himself. "you have to admit that they are cute, even though it is too cheesy and disgusting. so i thought that i can wait for you to initiate it since you are helplessly romantic and weird, but i just wanted to do it now in case i'll never get the chance again."

chanyeol holds him closer, and pulls the blanket over the both of them.

"everything will be okay. nothing has to change." he says soothingly. it doesn't sound remotely convincing.



time has a knack for escaping whenever it is sought after, herding the weekend in rapidly before chanyeol realizes how each of the remaining moments will amount to more than what they had for all their lives.

junmyeon calls a couple of times, asking simple questions such as 'have you eaten', 'is everything okay', reminding them to take care of themselves before ending the phone call with a junmyeon-style joke. it is still as lame as ever, but chanyeol manages a small laugh when he hangs up, knowing that the other 10 members will appreciate the leader's call as much as he did. the nagging is something that they used to hate, but when the world is crashing, any ounce of familiarity serves as an anchor that holds them together instead.



they spend the day away from the dorm, bundled in their thick winter coats. the first hint of summer is apparent in the surroundings, but the wind is relentless, sending chills down the bones of anyone who has contact with it.

most of the stores are closed, and the aftermath of the riots a few days ago can be seen from the amount of broken glasses and debris littering the floor. there is still a sizeable amount of people outdoors, creating memories of the very last moments when they can still feel, or simply live life as per normal. sehun manages to find an open bubble tea shop, and drags him inside, ordering him buy all the different flavors on the menu. this is something he is used to, sehun willingly sharing the drink with him wasn't.

is this why people always say that when you lose something you will treasure it more? in the past five days, the two of them has acted more like a couple as compared to the past four months they had been dating. the change is welcome, chanyeol just wishes that it didn't happen because of "wings".



if chanyeol has to choose one thing he likes most about "wings", it will be the disappearance of sasaeng fans. ever since the news broke out, there is a lack of fans camping below their house, threatening to swarm them if they step out of the glass doors. maybe this is what the government mean, when people are not clouded with emotions, rationality will prevail, and there will be peace.



this will be the first and last time he gets to visit the rooftop of this apartment complex, chanyeol realizes when he sets the beer on the cemented floor. the group is heading for disbandment despite the company pretending that it is just an extended break, and none of them will want to live in this cramped area together, not when they don't share the same bonds anymore.

"chanyeol," sehun slurs when he is opening his fourth can of beer. they are both shivering in the cold night air, wrapping themselves tightly with the blankets they stole from the other members’ room, but it seems to be a waste not to see seoul’s pretty night view with their newfound freedom.

"yeah?" chanyeol asks, feeling the light buzz unfurling in his stomach as he downs the drink.

"i love you." sehun says, a small hiccup messing up his flow. "i love you even though you're stupid, clumsy, and not as good looking as me." he tries to play it off as a drunken confession, but chanyeol knows that he is sober. there is despair deeply rooted in his eyes, and sadness is radiating off his entire being.

"come here you idiot." chanyeol pulls him closer, and despite the little scowl on his face, sehun hugs back with matching intensity. "i love you too."

sehun doesn't say anything for so long that chanyeol will have thought he was asleep if not for his irregular breathing.

"let's break up." the three simple words set chanyeol's heart racing in a different way as compared to the i love yous. "i don't think i can do this. i don't think i can stay with you not knowing how is it going to feel like when we announce our relationship, how is it going to feel like when we get old, how is it going to feel like to be in love every day." sehun's voice is calm, making him sound detached as he speaks of his fears, but his occasional lisp gives him away, and chanyeol knows that he must have practiced a million times before he can sound this collected.

"it is selfish of me isn't it," sehun continues, speaking more to himself instead of chanyeol. "i don't want all the emotions to be taken away from me because of a ing drug, so i'll let go first. i'll remember the feelings of losing you, the despair, and when i don't feel the love anymore on monday, it'll be okay, because i'm not supposed to love you anymore."

it is infuriating how much chanyeol understands sehun, which makes him unable to blame him for any of the decisions that he makes. sehun seems like someone who is uninterested in the world and his only joy lies in insulting all the older members without getting flak for it. however, chanyeol knows how much he thinks about everything, always wanting to be the best person for the members, and repeatedly ponders over his decision till he is sure of it.

he wants to repeat everything is okay, nothing have to change till it becomes a reality, but instead he holds sehun closer and attempts to crush him in the hug. everything will change, and nothing will be okay anymore.



watching sehun pack the next morning is exceptionally difficult, knowing that they may as well be nothing more than strangers the next time they meet. he leaves almost everything behind, only taking the first bracelet that he bought after getting paid and his favorite sweater (chanyeol doesn't remind him that he is the owner of that clothing).

"thank you hyung," sehun says when they are outside the apartment complex, ready to go home. "thank you for taking such good care of me since pre-debut. even though jongin is my best friend, but i'll probably not know what to do without you." a shy smile appears on sehun's face, traces of the younger boy chanyeol is well-acquainted with at the practice room resurfacing.

me too, I don’t know how my life will be without you, he doesn’t say, instead he settles for a, "see  you on monday," before pulling sehun in for a hug, their last hug. "don't oversleep and be late, or junmyeon hyung will nag at you again." he ruffles sehun's hair, earning an indignant yelp from him.



it is easy to act like nothing is wrong and smile in a way that characterizes park chanyeol when he is back at home. he lets his mother coddle him, have guitar practice sessions with his dad, and run petty errands such as getting water or changing the channel for his sister for the entire day. forgetting sehun is easy when he distracts himself with the little things happening, or when he puts all his effort into maintaining the happy facade. ignoring the emptiness of his heart is difficult when his hands reach out for his phone automatically to send the younger boy a text, or when he remembers how much sehun likes sushi during dinner time.



monday comes too quickly for park chanyeol who is afraid of what the future might bring, and comes too slowly for park chanyeol who misses oh sehun.

unexpectedly, jongin is the first one in the practice room when chanyeol arrives in the company.

"why are you here so early? shouldn't you be awake only when seoul is having lunch?" chanyeol jokes, trying to erase the nervousness in the room.

jongin shrugs, choosing to pick at his shoelaces instead of answer.

the rest of the team files in gradually, and by the time everyone arrives, there is still 30 minutes before the allotted time.

"should we perform our debut song for the last time?" jongin suggests, his sentimental side showing.

it has been a long time since they've practiced this song, but the moves and expressions are engraved into the deepest corner of chanyeol's being as he executes the footwork, lyrics and expression perfectly. the satisfied smile on everyone's faces are tinged with a hint of regret as they bask in the silence after the song.

"well, glad to know that all of us still remember the dance." junmyeon breaks the silence, putting on his trademark proud leader smile. "let’s do it again ten years later."



knowing about "wings" and getting it injected into his body is two very different things apparently, chanyeol thinks as he stands in line to get his dosage. they will be doing it  in order of age, and seeing the elder members getting the jab scares him more than he thinks it will.

the process is relatively painless. the needle pricks on his arm, and a light blue liquid is inserted in his body. the blood coursing through his veins feels exceptionally chilly as the medicine spreads to every corner of his body sending a shudder down his back, but he can still feel everything.

"it'll be okay," he gives sehun's hand a quick squeeze when he sees the maknae's horrified expression. sehun pulls up a strained smile, and chanyeol feels an urge to envelop him in a hug, but the officials push him into the isolation room before he can act on it.

the mood in the isolation room is suffocating with junmyeon and chen arguing playfully, acting like the old days, but chanyeol sees the dejected slouch of their shoulders and the smile that doesn't reach their eyes. he appreciates their gesture, but for once, he thinks that silence will be better than anything else.

sehun looks so lost when he trudges into the room that chanyeol ignores the pain rippling through his body and struggles to give him a hug. "wings" is slowly taking over his body, and chanyeol can feel shreds of emotions slowly being ripped from every fiber of his being. for some reason, sehun feels distant even when he is closely pressed by his side.

their manager ushers them into the van once everyone is present, being tasked to send them back home safely. chanyeol steals junmyeon's seat, taking the spot beside sehun for himself. the effects seem to kick in slower for sehun, as a stricken expression is permanently etched on his normally expressionless face. chanyeol reaches out for sehun’s hands as a form of comfort, but he realizes that it is out of habit, and he doesn't feel his heartbeat accelerating from the prolonged contact anymore.



as expected, the team rarely keep in contact after they disbanded. junmyeon sends them group messages via kakao on a monthly basis, reminding them about little things such as eating enough and sleeping early, seemingly unable to relinquish his role as a leader; but that is all. he has never initiated any contact with any other members, or sehun.

his days fall into a routine as he helps out in his mother's restaurant after he lost his job. he sets up in the morning, serves customer in the afternoon, and cleans up at night. it is relaxing as compared to his previous career, and he doesn't mind its simplicity.

it is on a friday morning when he sees the news.

"your ex-bandmate committed suicide," his mother pushes that morning's paper in his direction when they are preparing to open the store.
sehun is plastered on the front page of the newspaper, the huge smile on his face out of place with societal norms. the reporter attempts to evoke emotions, stringing a bunch of words that will evoke sadness together, forming a title that does not even make sense.

"is it?" chanyeol briefly scans through the content, picking out words like 'unable to adapt to "wings"', and 'suicide by sleeping pills' out. he stuffs the paper into the pile of read articles, before picking up the broom once again.

it is just another day.