…

Yoongi held the door open for his friend and unrequited love.”By the way, what did he mean by “telling him how you feel”? Whom are we talking about here?” Jimin asked.

 Yoongi took a deep breath. “Jiminnie?” he called out as the younger walked in and climbed back up on the bed. “I have something to tell you,” he said and made the baby faced boy, whom he adored so much, look up at him earnestly. And right at that moment, Yoongi remembers ten things.

One. Min Yoongi remembers the day he met Park Jimin.

Yoongi was in elementary school. His classes had just gotten over and his mother had come to pick him up. Being an outgoing kid, he showed his marks on the test that they had given that day. He had gotten a ten out of ten in writing Apple, Banana and Cat even though his P’s were often facing the opposite direction, His B’s were crooked and his ‘Cat’ looked like ‘Cot’.

Eitherway, his mother cooed and praised her son’s smartness. And they decided to go out for an ice cream treat.

away the sprinkles on the chocolate ice cream, little Yoongi held his mother’s hand using his left hand and walked up to their gate when his mom suddenly stopped. He looked up and saw a man on their porch, talking to his dad.

The stranger had extreme fatherly looks, Yoongi categorized. He had a gruff beard on his chin but he didn’t seem old. The man’s eyes disappeared into crescents whenever he laughed and he had a loud laugh. Yoongi liked him already.

Then his father saw him and his mom from the door.

“Oh there they are,” he said, “Honey, Yoongi-ah. Come over and say hi to our new neighbors.”

Both Yoongi and his mom walked up to them briskly to introduce themselves. And that was when Yoongi say the chubby kid in between the stranger’s legs.

One word to define the kid was, well, cute. Yoongi found himself staring at the chubby, baby faced kid who looked nothing like the stranger he was clinging onto. Unlike the man, the kid looked delicate and innocent. He had ‘Mama’s boy’ written all over his face.

“This is my son, Yoongi. Yoongi, say hi,” his dad urged. Yoongi bowed. Then the chubby kid smiled. Oh, he does look like his dad.

“Hello,” the boy said shyly. “My name is Jimin.” The words seemed memorized and stiff but Yoongi didn’t realize it. Jimin. That was the small voiced boy’s name. And he thought it was cute.

Two. Yoongi remembers the day Jimin’s father died.

The fair skinned boy gritted his teeth in anger. Why? Because the world was cruel.

Why was the world cruel? Because it made Jimin suffer.

And why was Jimin suffering? Because his father was taken from him.

Yoongi sat down on the fluffy mattress and caressed the curled up ball of blanket on the bed. “Jiminnie,” he called softly, “let’s go eat something, hmm?”

Saying that Jimin was talkative would be an understatement. It wasn’t that Jimin was loud and noisy but he never stopped talking. He could talk about anything and just everything. But Yoongi never found it annoying. He found the younger’s stories and voice insightful and sweet. He was always of the opinion that Jimin had a marvelous way with words.

So now, when Yoongi didn’t hear Jimin’s voice for the past three days, he felt uneasy and angry. He couldn’t compare how the quietness affected him but it was close to the anger and irritation you felt when you drink tea without cookies. Or even worse, it was as bad as eating a pizza without the cheese oozing out from all sides.

“Jiminnie,” Yoongi called out again. The ball of blanket wriggled a little. “It’s been three days since you had anything to eat. You must be starving. Do you want me to get something for you?” he asked and stood up, only to be stopped by a small hand belonging to the eight year old boy.

“Don’t go,” a small voice came out from under the blanket. Yoongi sat back down again and peeled the blanket off of the face of the speaker. He was angry that the boy was suffering. He was angry that the boy would never get to see his father again. He was angry that the boy didn’t have any parents left. But at the same time, he felt a small tinge of happiness deep within his heart because he managed to get him to talk.

Yoongi saw that the boy’s eyes were swollen. His nose was red and if he looked carefully, his face was sore from wiping it too often with his rough shirt sleeves.

“Okay,” Yoongi said and hugged the small boy. “I won’t leave you. But you have to do something for me, okay? You have to eat food tomorrow.” And Jimin nodded as he cried even more.

Three. Yoongi remembers the day he realized he was in love with Jimin.

“Hey Yoongi,” a boy from his class called out. “Aren’t you excited to meet the freshmen?”

Being a mysterious kid with amazing talents and dashingly good looks, everyone in the school wanted to be friends with Min Yoongi. And even though he was just a kid in middle school, he had already gotten hundreds of confessions from girls and even boys, be it seniors or juniors. But no one understood why he always turned them down. Not even Yoongi himself.

“I’m not interested,” he simply replied and walked down the hallway, ignoring his classmate’s calls. Why should he be? It wasn’t like he wanted to make new friends. Besides, he was fine being alone.

Ever since Jimin went to live with his aunt in the other side of the city, Yoongi had found less and less reasons to feel happy about. He wasn’t a depressed child; it was just a little depressing to stay with him. But he didn’t give about it.

Yoongi cringed when some of his classmates suddenly pounced on him, joking about how cute the new students were. “The girls are super cute, Yoongi. Maybe you’ll finally find a girlfriend this year,” they teased. Yoongi pried off their hands from his shoulders stealthily. Even though he wasn’t a fan of socializing, he wasn’t totally mean to shut them out.

They continued to walk along the hallway, with the two boys beside him talking about unnecessary things and him, staying quiet, not paying attention to them and staying focused on the road. Suddenly, his legs stopped moving and his body became numb.

Because, in the distance, he saw Park Jimin. He was in their school uniform, trousers, neck tie, blazer and all that. And he noticed that the black haired male was struggling to find his way amongst the sea of students.

Jimin had lost weight. He was no longer the chubby kid whom Yoongi remembered even though he still had baby fat around those adorably round cheeks. He grew a little taller but he was still short, compared to the other students around him. He still had that dark hair that Yoongi would ruffle every time they met. And as if they were in an overly clichéd movie, Yoongi felt time slow down though his heart beat sped up.

Yoongi then understood everything. The reason for his gloomy expressions ever since Jimin left, the reasons for him missing Jimin a little more than others, the reason for him rejecting all those proposals and confessions the reasons for him always wanting Jimin to rely on him. Min Yoongi understood why his heart sped up when he saw the boy in the distance.

Four. Yoongi remembers the day he asked Jimin to move in with him.

“I’m gonna get an apartment,” Yoongi said. Jimin, who was lying on Yoongi’s bed, reading a comic book abruptly sat up.

“Hyung, you’re still a high school student,” he said. “I meant after I graduate, idiot,” Yoongi quickly added. “Oh.”

“Will your parents be okay with it?” Jimin said, his tone mellowing down a little. Yoongi shrugged his shoulders. “They’re praying for me to leave, I’m sure.” “Hyung!” Jimin laughed, “That’s not true.”

“Seriously though, I want to go out. I’ve already talked to them about it. And they said it depends on my results. If it’s satisfying, I get to go,” he said, his hand fiddling with the page of a book. “But hyung,” Jimin pouted a little, “You’re smart. Of course you’ll get good grades.”

“Exactly.”

Jimin took some time to say anything else. “Will you be far away? Because I think I’ll miss you.” Yoongi was prone to sudden change in surroundings. In fact, he could go through a sudden apocalypse with a composed smile. But at this one sentence, he felt something break down in his chest. Yup, it was the wall he built around his heart to prevent him from falling further for the boy before him.

Trying to distract himself with some newspaper clippings, he fumbled through his table for the scissors.

“Why don’t you move in with me then?” he asked, trying to sound casual. But deep inside, he was more nervous than a child going to the dentist.

“Are you serious?” Jimin asked, wide eyed. “Yeah. I mean you’ll be in high school by then. And besides, it’s like we already live together. I’ll get a part time job. Even you will, you know, to cover your food expenses. So,” Yoongi’s voice became smaller in anticipation for Jimin’s answer.

“Hyung,” Jimin said slowly. “Are you…” he began, looking so serious. “Are you suggesting that I eat a lot?” Yoongi controlled his urge to slap his forehead. “I’m not suggesting, idiot,” he said coolly. “It’s fact.”

Jimin pouted. “Fine then! I’ll pay for my own food. Don’t ever expect me to share my food with you, Min Yoongi!”

Yoongi laughed at his dongsaeng’s cuteness. At least he agreed to move in with him (in his own weird way).

Five. Yoongi remembers the day his heart shattered into a million pieces.

“Are you sure you’re alright to go to school?” Yoongi asked, placing his palm on the younger’s forehead. Jimin rolled his head. “I don’t have a temperature, hyung. Stop babying me.”

“But you said your head hurt,” Yoongi said, his expression oozing with worry and concern. Jimin brushed his hand off. “It doesn’t hurt anymore, hyung. I’m fine now.” Yoongi stood straight and looked down at the neatly dressed high school student. Oh how he wanted to peel off those stuffy clothes off of the younger and… Woah, woah, Min Yoongi, stop right there!

“Alright then,” he gave in. “If it hurts again, tell me. Maybe you’re coming down with something,” he said, reminding himself that Jimin was a kid and his dirty mind should be prosecuted for even thinking such a thing. “Okay, hyung,” Jimin smiled and kissed his cheek. “I’m off now. Love you, bye!” With that, the younger raced out of the apartment. Yoongi’s fingers lingered on the place where Jimin kissed him. “Stupid idiot,” he simply commented with a dumb smile and went to get ready himself.

A few days passed and Yoongi prowled through the medicine cabinets for an aspirin. Damn it, damn it, damn it, where the hell did I keep it? His pace quickened when he heard Jimin call his name. “Just wait one second, Jiminnie,” he assured when he heard Jimin’s “it hurts.”

“Don’t go to school today, got it?” Yoongi advised and allowed Jimin to down the pill. The younger nodded and forced him to leave. “Now go, hyung. You’ll be late for college.”

Yoongi almost gave Jimin his irresistible puppy dog eyes. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay and look after you?” he asked. Jimin managed to spare a laugh. “No way, you’ll probably only make it worse. Besides, it’s only a small headache. It’ll be go down by evening and will probably vanish by tomorrow,” Jimin replied and lopped back down on the bed.

But Yoongi had a feeling it wouldn’t because the headaches always came back the next day. Nevertheless, he kissed the boy’s forehead and left for college, his mind unable to concentrate on any other thing besides the boy back home who was probably asleep by then.

“Jiminnie?” Yoongi called out as he placed his keys in the bowl on the table besides the door. But there was no answer. He’s probably asleep, Yoongi assured himself and walked to Jimin’s room. To his surprise, the room was empty. The bed was unmade which meant that Jimin was still in the house.

“Jimin?” Yoongi called out again, this time sounding more worried than before. Then he saw the bathroom door ajar from Jimin’s room.

To his utter shock, Yoongi saw Jimin lying on the floor when he reached the bathroom. He quickly picked up the unconscious boy and checked his breath. He was still breathing.

Yoongi slapped the younger’s cheeks softly and called him several times but he didn’t wake up. “Damn it! We’ve got to get you to a hospital,” Yoongi said, trying to keep calm. And with that, Yoongi picked up the boy in his small but strong arms. Later that night, Yoongi’s heart broke into a million pieces because the doctors had announced that what Jimin was suffering from wasn’t just a headache.

Six. Yoongi remembers his first fight with Jimin.

“Oh, so what? You just give up on life now because you find out you’re sick?” Yoongi snapped at the younger. In reality, Min Yoongi wasn’t the type of person who got angry easily. Annoyed, yes, but never actually angry. But the last few days had been hard on him. Ever since he had found out that his best friend was suffering from brain tumor, he just couldn’t help but be angry at anything and everything. And so, when the younger revealed that he wasn’t intending on taking the treatment, he basically snapped.

“It isn’t like that, hyung,” Jimin tried to reason out but Yoongi was on a roll now.

“Then what? You suddenly decide that you’re too good for the world? Is that it? Or maybe you decide to be an and die like your old man?” Yoongi knew he wasn’t making sense at all. But he couldn’t stop himself from sprouting out the nonsense he was saying.

“What the hell are you saying? Just listen to me, hyung!” Jimin said, his voice becoming louder.

“No! You’re undergoing the treatment and that’s final,” Yoongi tried to conclude the conversation but it was far from over. “Oh so now you’re my mom? God! Do you even think before you speak? Have you ever given a thought about how much the treatment would cost?” Jimin tried to say but Yoongi quickly cut him.

“You’re worried about money?” Yoongi said. “Seriously?” He wasn’t amused anymore.

“Just shut up for one second and listen to me!” Jimin shouted. “No you listen! You’re not going to worry about the money because I’m going to provide everything, do you understand? Or is your ing tumor making you a ing retard?” Jimin’s eyes were watery now. But he decided to have one final say.

“ you, Min Yoongi!” With that, he walked out the kitchen and slammed the door to his room.

Yoongi balled up his fist and hit the table with his knuckles hard. But the damage didn’t end there. He picked up the blue bowl on the table and flung it across the room, spilling the milk and cereal all over the floor. He didn’t mean what he was about to say but he said it anyway. “Go die in a hole, Jimin!” And he slammed the door to their apartment and walked down the stairs.

The cold bit every part of his face but Yoongi continued to sit on the children’s swing. His anger faded relatively quickly and was replaced by guilt.

Why did he have to be so stupid? Why did he lose control of his mouth and say those stupid things? He should’ve tried to listen to Jimin at least before lashing out. He thought about it and realized that Jimin was never rash in his decisions although he could be a child at times.

He probably doesn’t want to trouble anyone, Yoongi thought, running his fingers through his perfectly cut brown locks. He isn’t selfish like me. He knows he doesn’t have the money for the treatment. He knows how long the treatment will take. He knows that he’ll be bound to the hospital if he takes the treatment. He knows he won’t be able to have a normal life if he takes the treatment.

Yoongi cursed under his breath. Everything was making too much sense. And he hated it.

The struggling male suddenly felt a jacket over his shoulders. He turned to see his much loved dongsaeng with red eyes and a runny nose. “Hyung,” he started but Yoongi stood up and let him sit on the swing. “Wait,” he said softly, “Me first.”

He crouched down to the boy’s level and put his hands on the boy’s cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he began. “I’m sorry for being an before. I’m sorry for saying all those mean things to you. I’m sorry for not listening to you and lashing out before you could even say anything.” Yoongi felt his eyes tearing up.

“I just didn’t… I just didn’t want to admit that you were sick, Jiminnie. I just didn’t want to imagine my life without you. I know it sounds cheesy but I always imagined that you and I would stay with each other always. And I know I sound like I’m confessing to you right now. In fact, maybe I am. But I don’t…” His voice was over overwhelmed in sobs and sorrow.

Jimin just stared at his crying hyung because it did really sound like his hyung was confessing to him. His felt his chest about to explode with excitement and joy but he couldn’t let that happen. Because at the same time, he felt pain and regret. He knew that if he replied his hyung, he would become even more selfish and greedy. And he just couldn’t afford that. So, controlling his tears of both joy and hurt, he let out a small chuckle.

“You know,” he said, ignoring the last part of Yoongi’s emotional speech, “You look like a girl when you cry.” Yoongi felt like punching the younger right then and there because he knew that his confession went totally ignored. But he didn’t. Instead, he smiled and promised himself that he would listen to Jimin’s reasoning without any sort of interruptions. He also promises to never cry in front of his ‘stupid’ dongsaeng again.

Seven. Yoongi remembers the day that he broke his promise about never crying in front of Jimin.

Jimin looked up to Dr. Park after he signed the paper which said that he would donate his heart to a boy named Jeon Jungkook after his death. Both him and Yoongi just spent the last ten minutes listening to Dr. Park’s story about a boy named Jeon Jungkook who was in need of a heart donor and how the patient’s boyfriend, Kim Taehyung, would not stop searching until he found one.

Jimin sympathized Jungkook after listening to the story. He didn’t think that a person so young as Jungkook should die so early (even though he wasn’t one to speak). So he decided to donate his heart to the patient after his death.

Yoongi, on the other hand, had a more respect for the boyfriend rather than the patient. Of course Jungkook’s case was pitiable and sad but Yoongi had a clear understanding of how that Kim Taehyung felt. Loving someone who was about to die, trying their best to save them but knowing deep down that they could do nothing about it; it was a little too familiar.

“I’d like to meet them. Is that possible, Dr. Park?” Jimin asked all of a sudden. Dr. Park gave a confused look. “I guess that is possible considering Taehyung is my nephew. If you want, I can give you his e-mail address,” the friendly doctor replied. Jimin thanked him and looked to Yoongi. “Will you stay with me when we meet them?” he asked.

When will that dumb head of yours get that I would do anything for you, Park Jimin? Yoongi wanted to say desperately. But realizing that it seemed a little inappropriate, he simply nodded.

Yoongi stared at the e-mail address without blinking. He should probably contact this Kim Taehyung by now but he just didn’t have the heart to do it. Because doing so would only confirm his best friend’s condition.

Being in denial was kind of pathetic, Yoongi knew. But he couldn’t help it. He just couldn’t accept the fact that his best friend and his first love was going to die because of a stupid brain tumor.

He blinked for the first time in about three minutes. “Kim Taehyung,” he breathed out. “Doesn’t it hurt? Loving him so much even though you know that he could die any minute?” he asked. “I kinda have this level of respect for you, Kim Taehyung ssi,” he continued to talk to the piece of paper which had Kim Taehyung’s email written on it. “How’d you get him to understand your feelings?”

“Who on earth are you talking to, hyung?” Jimin suddenly interrupted. “Did you send an email to him yet?”

“No,” Yoongi replied lazily, “Not yet.”

Jimin sighed out like a nagging mother. “Gosh, hyung. Are you waiting for me to die to send the mail or something?” Then he realized what he said.

Yoongi’s eyes suddenly stung. Why did Jimin have to be such an idiot and say such careless things? Didn’t he know that he was hurting so much already? Why must Jimin open that ‘stupid’ mouth of his and make Yoongi want to cry every time?

“I didn’t…” Jimin began to say on noticing his hyung’s glistening eyes but Yoongi just smiled, trying hard to prevent the tears from falling. “I… Excuse me,” Yoongi said and walked past Jimin and out the door. He rushed to the stairs of the hospital. A few days back, he discovered that the stairs was a good place to let out all his feelings since no one rarely took the stairs anymore.

And there, he cried and cried till he didn’t have any more tears. He had to accustom his heart to a life without Jimin. It was time to accept it.

“I have something to tell you,” Yoongi said and made the baby faced boy, whom he adored so much, looked up at him earnestly.

Eight. Yoongi remembers that even though Jimin had always been a selfless child, deep down inside, he was a stubborn and greedy pig. So he never wished for things which he couldn’t have.

Nine. Yoongi remembers that all of his most memorable moments were because of Jimin and included Jimin in one way or the other. So even after his death, Yoongi promises to continue loving every part of his best friend and first love.

Ten. Yoongi remembers promising himself that he will not inconvenience Jimin in any way and he will never make Jimin regret his decision of not taking medication and treatment for his brain tumour.

“What is it?” Jimin asked, tensing up. He had no idea why but his body tensed up to hear his hyung say that sentence. Maybe it was because he had a tiny feeling that Yoongi was going to tell him THAT, the thing he dreaded the most. However, even though he dreaded to hear it, THAT was the thing he wanted to hear the most. So, it was vexing how he wanted THAT but didn’t want it at the same time.

Yoongi sighed defeatedly. It was the perfect moment to say it. It was the perfect moment to tell his best friend how much he loved him. It was the perfect moment to tell how much he meant to him and ask him to get together with him.

But he didn’t. Because he knew that Jimin’s heart (and even his) couldn’t take any more pain and regret.

“I actually have no clue on how to cook spaghetti. So could you teach me when we get back home?” Yoongi said, closing his eyes lest any tears fell down again.

Jimin breathed out, grateful and angry at the same time to hear Yoongi’s statement. He decided to overlook Yoongi’s sudden shaking lips and miserable look as his mind tried to come up with an answer. Then he gave his cheery smile and agreed all too brightly. “Fine, hyung.”

It was better this way.