Memories are tricky, with every passing second the contents get blurry, little details are added, others fade away until only the important ones remain: the atmosphere, the time and place and the deep emotions that burned them deeply into the mind.

Suho knew how to change memories, knew how he could ride humans of them forever. The moment he took access to another person’s head, he had learned what screws to spin, what threats to jumble that the memory would get lost inside that mind. Nobody could reveal it again the moment Suho put his hands to work.

The job was easily done, like playing a pc game on a big screen, where he wandered through a labyrinth searching for the exit; only it was a brain he took a stroll into. Some people came to him, sadness weighing them down like it came from sickness and not only past events, and they left him happy again, able to live their lives till the end.

Others were brought to him, nearly insane, kicking, screaming and demanding to be set free. After he had finished they were calm again, leaving him alone without having to be held down. Sometimes they glared at him as if he had hurt them deeply, other times their eyes were empty and only hollow bodies stumbled out from his praxis.

Patients were different every day, and if many were actually changed after the procedure others seemed to be exactly the same. And when heavy steps became light again, others left as broken, tears in their eyes, they couldn't even know why they cried.

Suho loved his job. Society called him doctor and admired him, employers paid him a fortune and he was good at the job he did day after day. Memory doctors had to study for long years and were specialist, who every hospital was proud to have.

Through the years Suho did some of his work on himself cause there was this one sentence inside his mind, that wouldn't fade. It jumped at him every now and then, with the feelings of a rather cold but sunny day in spring, voices echoing in an empty stairwell and a boy stood in front of him, hands behind his back, smiling brightly.

 

 

“In the end we only regret the chances we didn't take”

 

 

On a hot summer day, church bells from down the street were sounding six o'clock, disturbing the cicadas buzzing and a light breeze rustling through the big trees right in front of his windows, Suho's secretary knocked on his office door to announce one last patient for the evening. It was an unexpected visit; Suho had packed his leather case already and sorted the last documents on his desk to go home after. There had been no other appointment scheduled for the day.

With a sigh he fell back on his big armchair, the prospect of having another hour of consulting wasn't something he was very happy about. Normally he wouldn't mind but today the weather was great after a long period of coldness and cloudy sky, and he had hoped to meet some old college friends in the evening. Before he wanted to water his plants on the balcony and open the windows in his single apartment wide to get some fresh summer air in.

A soft knock on the wooden door gave Suho notice that the patient was about to come in, he straightened the collar of his white doctors coat and got up to welcome his guest.

The secretary had told him that it was a black haired man they didn't have any data about cause it was his first time to visit.

Opening the door, Suho faced a surprised young man with his fist up to knock on the wood a second time. He was short, just like Suho himself, had a slim, cute face, long nose bridge, beautiful brown almond eyes and rather bold features, it seemed to be his naturally given look and not some expression he wore on purpose.

His clothes were jeans and shirt in spectacularly bright colouring.

“Welcome. I'm Doctor Kim. Please come in and take a seat,” Suho said with his brightest smile, one he often wore while meeting patients for the first time. It helped to loosen them up for the counselling and made it easier to learn their true intentions. Patients that came to him out of free will and weren't forced to come by the government, had to talk with him before the surgery to find out what would be the right kind of treatment for them. Sometimes it was enough to only alter a tiny bit of a certain memory to make them better, it wasn't very expensive and the after effects weren't severe at all.

“H..hello,” the man answered and entered the office slowly; he peered around with big eyes and finally sat down on one of the two chairs in front of Suho's desk.

Taking a seat opposite of him, after closing the window behind him, Suho opened his laptop and asked his visitor, if he wanted something to drink. Pushing a bowl full of candy in his direction, Suho invited him to suit himself with a welcoming hand gesture. All service to win his trust, a true and open consulting was the first step to a successful therapy.

With a short shaking of his head the patient denied both, he looked down on his hands that he kneaded nervously.

“You don't have to give me your full name, by law of the government you're allowed to keep your privacy for the consulting. Only if you really want to have the surgery I have to get your full data. Do you want to give me your first name only or do you prefer to stay anonymous? You could give me no name also, I will register you under a number then,” Suho explained; he opened the document form on his laptop, which he had to fill in to have proof of the work he did. Otherwise the hospital wouldn't give him payment for the counselling time.

Looking up once again surprise showed on the visitor's face then he frowned and mumbled: “Call me Baekhyun. You should be rather good I assume.”

That surprise vexed Suho, not the statement; many people said those kinds of things when meeting him. He had earned a good reputation over the years and he was very proud about that, it was quite easy to deal with the envy and the scepticism some people threw at him.

Too much surprise though was unusual, since everyone knew what kind of profession a memory doctor had. Maybe this young man had some deeper secret and was frightened it could come out and hinder the surgery. Well he wouldn't stand any change; Suho was trained to sort out frauds from the real patients that really needed help. It wasn’t that other doctors send people to spy on his methods.

He would be very careful talking with Baekhyun.

“You're in good hands, don't worry. I'll help you as best as I can so just speak freely about what you need help with.”

Once again a bright smile was flashed, it was as fake as always, but it did the job.

Suho typed in “Baekhyun” on the top of his form, marked the gender as male and send his attention back to the man sitting on the other side of his desk.

Slowly his visitor seemed to get a bit more comfortable he crossed his legs and leaned back into the chair. His gaze wandered over the walls, where Suho's many degrees were hanging, each one in a plain, black frame.

“Yeah. You seem to be really good. I had hoped otherwise. It is rather tragic news for me.”

A sad grin washed over his vision, it faded in a flash then he reached for the candy bowl and fished a bright green one packed in plastic foil out of it.

Now those reactions irritated Suho. Would a rival give himself away that easily?

Mustering the man, Baekhyun intensely on the candy and smiled back at Suho as he caught his eyes.

Then he grinned and uttered: “I jumped right in, didn't I? Now I left you in confusion, even which is so very sad to watch. I had planned to give you a believable story and play a scheme a bit but facing you I just couldn't.”

Too fast for Suho to take precautions Baekhyun leaned over the desk and clasped Suho's hand with his long fingers, he massaged over his palm. In shock Suho flinched away from him, backing away to the window, the chair hit the floor loudly and he noticed he had forgotten to push the button underneath his desk that would call security.

Even when they came out of free will sick patients sometimes tended to be violent. Only Baekhyun didn't seem that way, he was confusing, almost scary with his choice of words but his grip wasn't hurting at all.

This was the first time Suho faced a situation like this, hearing words he just couldn't understand. Speaking like that this man couldn't be a rival but he couldn't be a patient either.

There was only one question left to ask:

“Who are you?”

Suho's heart beat like a drum after asking, like it wanted to hammer its way out of his chest. Fear came over him, thinking that one of those moments had come, where he wouldn't be able to help himself.

Under his own hands he already had forgotten all of the sad memories.

“How could you? Really how could you? Was it worth it? You destroyed yourself,” this strange man yelled at him with his face bright red. Tears glittered in his eyes as his balled up fists trembled.

Still looking at his vision there was only blankness inside Suho. Not like there was nothing at all but an empty hole where there had been a memory before. Only he wouldn't know which one should be there, he had removed parts from himself to live his life with a lighter heart.

Meeting someone from his past wasn't supposed to happen. Shaking heavily he felt panic arise in him, feelings he wouldn't be able to control.

“Didn't you want to remember what you gave up? Us on the stairwell, sunlight shining from the window over us. I had a letter for you and you didn't take it, even as you smiled at me. Did you regret it so much that you had to erase that memory? Had to erase me from your life?”

Suffocation wanted to take over Suho, he stumbled forward and smashed his hand on the tiny red button that would bring him help a second before Baekhyun was by his side.

Then he was caught in his arms and Baekhyun whined near his ear: “I missed you. I forgave you years ago. Why did you have to hurt us that way? Did you feel that guilty? I'm here as I failed to kill myself then. We're grownups now,” and he giggled a little bit as he stated: “you're even blond now.”

The hug didn't feel too bad, a familiarity that set the turmoil inside him at peace slowly. Seconds were ticking down quietly as Suho caught his breath again. The hurting inside his chest faded away in the tight embrace.

Blackness was in his memory but his body still knew that man.

Remembering his first professor, teaching about the human brain and memories, a grey haired man in a wrinkled brown suit, a genius, walking up and down the lecture hall, his first lesson and the most important one echoed through his mind.

“You can hide the memory, you can it out of the brain but the body and the soul never truly forgets. Don't be too surprise if you see your patient enjoying contact with the person he wanted to delete from his life. The feeling of knowing and loving, even a hatred will still be there in some way.”

Pushing away from Baekhyun, Suho looked at him calmly, taking in his sweet face, how he moved his slender fingers and the insecurity in his eyes.

“So you're the change I didn't take?”

Rummaging through his brain, and deleting useless, hurtful memory Suho had never been able to find the source for this one sentence, like it hide itself from his grasp. Another memory doctor probably would have been able to find it, there were limits what Suho could do to himself with an awake mind. In the end he just didn't trust his rivals enough to let them rummage through his brain. What if they would use the chance to delete more than they were supposed to? His whole career was at risk then.

Before Baekhyun could answer, the door to the office was ripped open and two buff men in dark uniforms stormed in to seize the intruder. Without mercy they dragged him out, Suho stood and watched them as Baekhyun screamed to him he should stop them and tried to kick and bite his captors. Relief came over Suho when he saw him be taken away; it brought him to much emotional stress dealing with old memories. There had been good reasons he got rid of them, a life couldn't be spend successfully when there was too much guilt and sadness to think straight.

“It is better that way, believe me. I long lost all memory of you. You should get rid of it, too. But don't look for me; I can't help you with that problem.”

Wise words Suho thought, it felt like his last present to that man.

However Baekhyun screamed back, that it was even heard from the corridor outside the secretary’s office:

“Bull! I will remind you again. I find and remind you. Don't you even dare to forget me again. I didn't kill myself after you rejected me. I failed. You can't kill me inside your head. I will be in your mind, I promise, if you kick me out, I'll crawl in again.”

The screams faded while they dragged Baekhyun out until silence fell over the hospital again, somewhere a bird chirped and always the cicada buzzed in the summer heat.

Through Suho's open office door his secretary looked in, she bit her lips and tugged nervously on her grey short locks.

“Are you alright doctor? You need something to calm you down, or other medical attention? I could brew you some herb tea,” her high voice trembled as she spoke to him, usually she didn't cope that well with violent visitors.

In his nicest tone, to pour her some calming energy, he answered her: “No need. Thank you. You can go home if you want, I’ll only tidy up my documents and will head home also,” then he turned to walk back to his desk.

The secretary hadn't even been able to close the door before Suho called her again; she peaked through the ajar door with a confused expression.

There was something left to do for the evening and it hadn't anything to do with meeting old friends or let some fresh air into his home.

“Is the operating room free for the next hour, or has someone of the other memory doctors booked it already?”

Uneasiness tugged at his heart, it left him anxious and nervous and Suho just couldn't leave it that way. Those emotions could steal him precious sleeping hours.

And even if some sadness wanted to crawl out of deeper regions of his brain, some doubt if pushing all unwanted memories out was the right way to lead a happy life, he couldn't deal with it now. Maybe a few years down the road he wouldn't be as busy and the time was right to face different parts of him.

The Suho that wanted to love and have relationships, not Suho the memory doctor.

Taking a look at her phone, his secretary pushed her fingers on the screen a few times then she adjusted her glasses and told him in her best business voice, “It's booked by doctor Oh but he had it for the whole day already so maybe he has finished already.

Should I call and ask for you?”

“No, no. I will phone him myself. Just go home and enjoy the warm weather.”

Hastily Suho waved her goodbye; he didn't want to tell her that he wanted to perform surgery on himself so it was best to take care of the matter alone.

Doctor Oh Sehun was saved under the nickname “cocky bastard” on his phone. He wouldn't ask too many questions, it was an open secret that memory doctors liked to get rid of any garbage in their brains fast.

Falling down on his armchair Suho sighed loud. This wasn't what he had planned for the evening. A perfect summer day wasted.

Snapping his leather case open, he had his mobile at hand in not even a second. The faster he could deal with this issue the better he would feel the next day so he wasted no further time to scroll to his college’s number in his saved contacts.

His finger hovered over the sign for dialling out when he caught something strange on his desk in the verge of his eye.

A flat, tiny thing peaked out of the candy bowl.

A business card. Suho didn't ask himself from who it could be, he knew it without pondering over it.

Only when could Baekhyun have shoved it in there? In his panicked state of mind Suho didn't notice it.

Fetching it out of the bowl, he mustered the card intensely. Plain white on the back, it showed brightly coloured dots at the front. Baekhyun's name in capital letters, his profession as web designer and a phone number was given as information in neon green writing.

Surely it was made out of normal paper; nonetheless it felt really warm in Suho's hands like sun, on a spring day shining in through a big window. Baekhyun's face was in his mind, smiling nervously he hide something behind his back. Dressed in a blue navy school uniform, the stairs were painted in dirty grey but the light was soft, it blurred the picture on the edges.

Suddenly Suho's heart skipped a beat when some feeling washed over him, powerful, it swept him away and he stood in the scene himself. Nothing he watched from afar anymore but he was the boy further down the stairs, smiling up at the other.

A failed love confession it had been and almost jokingly he broke a heart that day. Now he knew he had been afraid, a coward he had been, that couldn't face Baekhyun's braveness.

And a coward he was still.

Laying down the card on his desk, Suho closed his eyes for a second, let darkness calm his mind.

Then he took a deep breath of fresh summer air and dialled a number.