april 22, 2014

Tonight, I write about you and this time, I won’t be saying that this would be the last of it, because I know that there will be more to it that me talking about you wouldn’t end. Why? It’s because even within that short amount of time, you meant a lot to me. The only difference now is that what happened is a memory, an experience, something that I had pushed to the side, allowing me to be more open to possibilities that are yet to come in my life. Yes, this means one thing and one thing only.

There is a possibility that I have learned the art of letting go.

Letting go. It has been a long and gruelling process of forcing yourself to dislike someone that you have grown to care for over time. It means to let those feelings go and accept the fact that it was the one time that it could happen and that I did my mistake of letting that chance go. For now, I truly do not know if it were right or not, but somehow I feel good about it, because what was to come was something that I personally was not ready for and only know I am. I did not want to rush and it’s possible that you being the first person to ever express such emotions of liking to me gave me that reason to like you. I could like you because it seems that you do too. I could learn to like you over time, despite the flaws that I despise oh so much. I have done all that over time, even after you broke my heart. I’ve learned to embrace you wholly, despite how annoying it may be. I was able to accept it, but the feelings were detached. It had been accepting you as a friend, someone who could stand by your side still. 

I did not want to be some girl you went after, just because you had your heart broken. I didn’t want to be someone who was just another girl. I wanted to be the girl that you’d care for, someone whom you’d hold deeply. It was a possibility if I showed my true feelings, though I was never great at that, but for what had happened between us, I’ve learned that I shouldn’t be too secretive about them and allow myself to fall, sometimes. I learned things out of what had happened. How weak I can be over those things, how friends are when your heart gets crushed, how painful it is to have your heart torn apart, how to cry your eyes out. They were all things I experience. It was a hard time getting over you, but I’m proud to say that I have done just that. I have let you go, but despite it, a small part of me would always hold what you have given me. 

I won’t ever forget what you did to me, but that doesn’t mean I’ll hold a grudge for you. Instead, I thank you for letting me experience it. Call it first love, if you must, but it was what it was. It was almost there, if I could say it. It was memorable and it is a story I would tell later on. From it, I was able to learn valuable lessons. I learned more about myself and just how I handled these things. I grew stronger because of you and I saw just how strong I was.

Think of it, I was able to hold back at least a part of my emotions when I found out the truth, of how easily you moved on and looked for another when doubt came to you. I was able to hide that. You couldn’t even sense the slightest bit of pain in me or the change when it had happened, not like the rest of our friends. They easily caught it, noticing that my bright image was replaced with one who sulked a lot. I grew quieter than usual and smiled less, but you saw nothing. You didn’t know the pain that came to me, not until one day it had to be revealed to you. I blame no one for telling you the truth. It was bound to come out and I had to let you know somehow, how hurt I was. At first, I had been worried. I was scared of what you would say. It already felt so awkward around you, but we talked. You said to be open to possibilities of what could happen between us, to start as friends and that’s what I had given you. It had given me time to actually think about things and if I really wanted to be with you.

The answer to that? I don’t know. I still have my options open, but this time…you aren’t the first one on the list. You’re one of the people who might head out and let me know of their feelings for me, if you still have them. You are my what if. I can let you know that. I don’t know if you think the same for me or if the one that followed me impacted you more than I did. I won’t compete. Knowing that, at least, one point, you had your eyes on me. You were the one that got away, maybe. I don’t know. I’m happy with the outcome, glad that it didn’t happen, at least now it didn’t. Maybe in the future, a second chance would come up, but if it would turn out differently, I still question that. Something happen for a reason and maybe this had happened for a certain reason that we don’t know just yet.

You are to leave. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why it didn’t work and why I was too scared to let you in. The idea of you gone is something I didn’t want, but it’s the reality I have to face. I try to get used to it, to the fact that you will leave and I won’t see you as much as I do now. It still saddens me sometimes, but I know that it will be for the good and it won’t be the final goodbye. I will see you again for the world is small and we are bound to see each other soon. 

For now, this is a simple end to what I have been torturing myself over for the past eight month or seven? I never really counted, but for now, this is goodbye. A goodbye to the past that we shared. Those few months where we had each other. It’s about time that I forgot the wrong that you did, that we both did and just enjoy the good memories that we have together. It’s better than moping around, throwing myself a self-pity party. It’s time to move on from that period of liking you. For a new leaf, a new start, for the both of us. 

We need to push the awkwardness aside and think of what we truly are now. You did say you wanted to be friends, right? That’s exactly what I’ll do. I’ll be your friend. One who would stand by you and support you through everything. Besides, it’s better than being an ex who’d you avoid. Right?

---

And just like that, Soojung had felt a smile tugging up the corners of her rosy pink lips that had been tinted with the lipstick she had slipped on earlier. Her slender fingers were still curled up on the pen that she had used to write on her journal and her gaze on the filled pages of it. She was pleased with herself. This was who she was now and how this certain experience changed their friendship, it had been for the better. Now, she never had to be plucked out of her life because this time, she could stay with him. Friends stuck with each other and for now, that was what she had to do with Jongin. To be the friend that he was looking for, one who could give him the comfort that he needed. Like what her mother always told her, it was better to be just the friend, rather than the girlfriend who ends up being forgotten. 

a/n: and with that, i present my first ever fanfic here! i hope you enjoyed it. leave a comment below on what you thought of it, thank you!