I will never forget that winter night when I first saw you.

A cold wintry evening, I was waiting inside the bus terminal trying to stay warm, and when I looked up, I saw your reflection in front of me. I froze because at that moment I didn’t know what to do. Do I turn around and say hi and ask you if you remember me? Or do I ignore you and pretend I never saw you? I don’t know how I remember what you look like, since we’ve never met before, but I did—almost as if your profile picture was forever etched in the back of my mind. The countless hours, days, and months of talking to you online made you unforgettable, and when my heart skipped a beat upon seeing you for the very first time, I just knew it was you.

In the end, even if I wanted to introduce myself to you in person, I couldn’t because your bus came at that moment, and you quickly ran out to it to avoid the cold winter chill. I could have taken that bus with you because you once told me that your bus can take me home as well. However, I was too shy, and whether it was the cold or not, I seemed to have frozen on the spot.

That was how I first met you online—we were matched.

Ding! Luhan sent you a message.

That was how we started talking.

Hi, I’m Luhan. Nice to meet you!

Hello! I’m Hannah. Nice to meet you too!

So… is that your dog in your picture? How much for it?

Sorry, she’s priceless.

Ah, well then, my loss isn’t it? In that case, how are you?

I will never forget that winter night when we were brought together for a second time.

It was yet again another cold wintry evening. I had just finished up my studying on campus when I realized that night had fallen, and time had sped past me. I was going to miss my bus—which coincidentally happened to be the last bus of the evening for my route—if I didn’t pace a little faster. Unfortunately, being the unlucky person I always was, the bus never even showed up. I had no choice but to take your bus to go home, and I wondered about the possibilities of seeing you again. Although I still never told you about that winter night I saw you at the bus stop; it was my little secret. I looked around the terminal hoping to catch a glimpse of your reflection, but seconds ticked by and not a shadow. Even when the bus pulled up, you didn’t show up. I guess you had already gone home for the day.

I plugged in my earphones and rested my head tiredly on the frosty window. Within seconds, the rocking of the bus and the lullaby of my music lulled me to slumber; I guess I was just that exhausted. Even when the bus stopped at the next station, I didn’t open my eyes. Until someone tapped me on my shoulder.

It was you.

I recognized your goofy smile, the one you had in all your pictures; and the mischievous twinkle in your deer like eyes.

Hannah, right? I’m Luhan! Do you remember me?

Of course I remember you. How could I ever forget?

I was too scared to open my mouth. What if my voice cracked? What if I sounded like a frog? What if my breath smelled? All these thoughts ran through my head, the only thing I could do without embarrassing myself was to smile and nod.

The moment I smiled and nodded, your face lit up like lights on a Christmas tree. It warmed my heart because I knew my face was shining just as much—you remembered me.

It’s so great to finally meet you! After all the times you turned down my offer for ice cream, this is how we meet? What a crazy world we live in.

Indeed it was a crazy world. Maybe I wasn’t so unlucky after all.

It was 1:30AM when you messaged me that night. At that time I was already sleeping, but that familiar ding woke me up like an alarm and instinctively I woke up to respond.

Do you want to come out tonight?

That was probably the hundredth time you asked me out.

It’s so late! I’m already in bed, so no.

That was what I responded with. My heart yearned to go out to see you, even for just a minute, but my head knew that would be irresponsible of me.

Just come out—I’m at my friend’s party. I just want to see you, that’s all. Is that wrong?

No, it wasn’t wrong, because I wanted to see you too.

Are you intoxicated?

I knew he always drank whenever he was with his friends.

Yep, just a little.

My heart sank. How could I know what was true, and what was the alcohol speaking? For someone who had never drank before in her entire life, this was a new territory for me.

You better be careful and not hit your head on the table like last time. And if you do, please promise me you won’t try to stitch yourself up.

Okay, I promise you.

How long are you partying over there?

And then there was no response. Sleep was slowly taking over me again, and as much as I would have loved to stay awake to wait for his message, my eyes just got heavier and heavier. Until I was consumed by darkness.

Ding! Luhan sent you a message.

That was what usually happened. You would stop responding for half an hour to an hour and then strike up a conversation again. Sometimes I wondered if you did that on purpose to keep me awake or something.

I like you.

My heart stopped, and I felt my breath get caught in my throat. You liked me. You just said you liked me. No one had ever liked me before, much less confess to me. But that was exactly what you said. Then I remembered… you were intoxicated.

You’re drunk. Maybe talk to me again when you’re sober.

Oh. I am though. I know what I’m talking about. Hannah, I like you, and I feel like it’s dangerous.

That was the first time you confessed to me that you liked me. I didn’t care if you were or weren’t intoxicated, because all I knew at that moment was that you felt the same way I did. My friends all laughed at me when I told them about my little crush on someone I’d been only talking to online. Not only did they laugh, they told me to forget about it. I ignored them of course, because they wouldn’t understand what it was like talking to you every night about everything from one spectrum to the next. They wouldn’t understand the feelings that built up from the first time I talked to you. They just wouldn’t understand. To be honest, I didn’t understand what love was like either. But seeing you on the bus that night, I think I was finally able to fathom what love was all about.

Luhan… I…I like you, too.

I will never forget that winter night you and I spent the evening together.

It was the coldest day thus far, and even being bundled up in my parka, ear muffs, mittens, and snow boots, it still felt like the chill was seeping through my body. Ever since that night we sat together on the bus, I would always take your bus home hoping to catch another ride with you. Turned out my luck ran out that very same day because it had been a couple of weeks since I last saw you.

I was sitting quietly on the bus with an empty seat next to me. I always made sure to have an empty seat in case you ever popped out of nowhere like the first time. Nobody had ever tried to take that seat, but for some reason tonight, someone did.

O—oh, sorry, this seat is taken.

I looked up and saw your grinning, mischievous face, and I immediately laughed out loud.

It’s you!

I had exclaimed in happiness. The night didn’t seem so dreary anymore, and the cold looked to have disappeared when your body brushed up against mine when you sat down.

Yes, it’s me. Surprise!

You had smiled widely and for special effects, you had even thrown your arms up in surprise. That smile… it was the smile that I missed seeing every day. It was the same smile you gave me the very first time we rode on the bus together.

Almost as if we had known each other for years, our conversation flowed like a cascading waterfall. There were the occasional silences, but those silences were comfortable—enough for us to just stare mindlessly in front of us with no words exchanged. The few times we were quiet, you had a very thoughtful look on your face, and I wanted so badly to know what you were thinking. But I hadn’t dared to ask.

We got off at the same stop. Surprised, I had turned to you asking why because though we lived close to each other, your bus stop wasn’t for another few streets. You simply smiled and said that you wanted to walk me home, especially since it was late at night it was dangerous for a pretty girl to walk home alone. Smiling back, we continued our conversations and walked home together. For the first time. And hopefully more to come. 

Being the gentleman you were, you walked me straight to my door. The side lamp flickered and dimmed, casting a soft glow on the both of us. We locked eyes for a second, and you looked like you were about to say something, but you subtly shook your head and decided against it. Instead, you had simply said goodnight and that was all; we parted ways for the night. I remember watching your retreating figure slowly getting smaller, and smaller until you turned the corner. I enjoyed that short moment we shared; although it was brief, it was also filled with unspoken emotions.

Ever since you walked me home that one night, it slowly became a habit of yours to do it as much as you could. I felt like I had my own personal body guard with you next to me every night. I felt safe, safer than I had ever been.

Can I walk you home again tonight?

Silly, you do it any way so what’s the point of asking?

I know, sorry. Just had to make sure it was okay.

Every time we stopped at my doorstep, you would look at me with what I assumed were longing eyes. Like the first time you walked me home, you always looked like you had something you wanted to say to me. And every night I would beg that you would just come out and say it, and then curse when you’d just shake your head and say goodnight. I was fine with that, as long as you were still by my side. I wasn’t going to force you if you weren’t comfortable with it yet. Yet… you had already confessed to me once before, so why not now? I get it. I get that saying things behind a screen was much easier than said in person. I do, I do get it. That was why I couldn’t bring myself to say what had been bothering me for the past few months, the thought hidden behind all my words and actions towards you. The very thought that could potentially drive you away from me.

I like you, Luhan.

That was what I could never say. Not yet, anyway.

Yet this night felt different. I couldn’t place my finger on it, but something felt… almost wrong. It perturbed me very much, yes, but without understanding why it felt that way, I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

I had saved you a seat like usual, and you sat next to me like usual—our routine, I had called it. But our conversations were short, and for the first time ever, you answered my questions with one word answers… something you said you hated in conversations. So why did you do it? You didn’t look at me, and the few times you did, your smile wasn’t genuine. I was concerned.

Hey, you don’t seem okay. Did something happen?

I had asked.

You quickly shook your head, and forced a smile out.

No, everything’s fine. Just worried about school, that’s all.

School. Was that an excuse?

Alright, if you say so. If you need anything, I’m always here.

Even in a million years, I will never forget that winter night.

It started off like any other night. A cold winter night, the wind was breezing, the air was chilly, and warm smoke formed every time I exhaled in the bitter cold. I was walking towards my usual bus stop when I heard your loud booming laughter echo in the vast outlook. I couldn’t see you, but I knew that was your laugh because I had heard it so many times before it was practically registered in my brain. It was also the laugh that could take my breath away. For a whole month I had been longing for this very moment—to see you again, and to see your smile on your handsome face. You had always complained you looked too feminine, but what you didn’t see was beneath that femininity was a charm that only you could exude, a charm that locked hard onto my heart when I first met you.   

I had thought to myself that that night could be the night. The night I could tell him my little secret that I had been keeping to myself for so long. Keeping a secret was hard, especially if the person I was keeping it from made it so difficult with every word he spoke, every smile he radiated, and every tingling touch he jolted me with. I remember so clearly how I tried to psych my confidence up for that moment, and as I got closer and closer to seeing him, my heartbeat rose with every step I took.

Then it shattered. Crushed, broken, fragmented… it shattered. Like fragile glass.

Because there you were, hand in hand with another girl; she was pretty, had long black hair like you always liked. I even tried to grow my hair out for you, but I guess it couldn’t grow fast enough. The smile I thought was so exclusive to me wasn’t actually for me. It was for her. I knew you were popular with girls, but I honestly thought we held something special.

I was wrong.

Was that why you said you felt it was dangerous the first time you confessed to me? Because you had a girlfriend already?

I was wrong.

All those nights I spent sleepless because of you. All those nights I spent waiting for you at the bus stop. All those nights I spent talking to you until early the next morning. All those nights I smiled myself to sleep because of you. Did none of that mattered to you?

I was wrong.

I now understand why my friends told me to forget about you. It wasn’t because they thought it was dumb, but actually because they cared about me and wanted the best for me. They knew this wouldn’t turn out into anything more than friends. How come they knew, yet I—the one who spent every waking day talking to you—could not even begin to guess? I even told them I knew what was going on, and that I had my heart protected.

I was wrong.

It had hurt—a lot—seeing you with another girl that wasn’t me. It felt like you reached into my ribcage and grabbed my heart, threw it to the ground and stomped on it a few times until you were satisfied. How did I let myself get played like this? So much for protecting my heart. On that winter night you walked me home, and every one after that, I really thought we shared something more. Something that somehow… somehow could change the way things were between us. Oh, how I wished for that.

But I was so wrong.

The pain was so hard to bear. The longer I stood there staring, the harder it became. I knew I had to get away. I turned around and walked away—away from the chaos, away from the image. I needed to walk away from everything. I had kept my head down the entire time, not because I was embarrassed, but more so because I could sense my tears falling down my face. The wind was so bitter I could feel sharp pain hitting my face every time I lifted my head to take a deep breath. That sharp pain mimicked exactly what my heart was feeling that very moment.

You played me and stabbed me after. And now there was no way I could heal from it.

That winter night I knew our relationship was over. I should have known it was over a month ago when you acted so differently that one time. I wish I had the guts to ask you why you were acting that way, but it was too late now. What had happened, happened, and there was nothing I could do to change the way things turned out. I blamed myself for being so naïve, so juvenile. As much as you had hurt me, I couldn’t bring myself to hate you, or blame you. Because that was how much I liked you.

I remember going to sleep that night with dried tear stains on my face, and my pillow completely covered with wetness. I don’t remember how long I cried because I had cried myself to sleep. I remember how much my heart had ached over and over again every time you sprung into my memories. I remember how much I hated myself for falling in love you.

As it turned out, that winter night a month ago was the last night we created memories.

It was that night that you walked me home for the last time.

It was that night that we talked for the very last time.

It was that night that I would ever see your goofy smile, your mischievous eyes, and hear your hearty laughter.

It was that night,

That winter night.