Heads up: the italicized lines are present day POVs. The rest are all in the past (unless indicated).  I color coded the lyrics I included in some parts of this story, but not the ones I reworded in the middle of the paragraphs. Thanks.

P.S. this is quite a very long read… 

Rockstar. Idol. Hallyu. Kpop. Ever since he was a little boy, that’s all he ever dreamed of. To make a mark in this world and have his name be listed as one of the best in the history of music. Quite ambitious but it’s true.

“I’m going to touch people’s hearts all over the world with my music. I’m going to write a thousand songs and have each one dedicated to you!” he’d proudly tell his childhood sweetheart.

Her eyes would twinkle with amusement and admiration every time he’d make that bold announcement. The sound of her laughter was more than enough to elicit the cheek-bursting grin that would remain on his face for the rest of the day.

“Even sad love songs?” she’d .

“I don’t think it’s possible for me to write about heartache when I’m so in love with this girl who happens to love me back just as much.”

He’d wink and she’d blush. He’d kiss her cheek and run away hoping she’d chase him back. Whenever he’d realized that she didn’t move from where she stood, he’d immediately turn around and that’s when she sprints and then he chases. He would always catch up with her and lock her in the tightest embrace. He’d brush her bangs out of her eyes, fix her hair, smile, and would lean down to give her the sweetest kiss.

It’s always been like this. He’d wait for her early in the morning so they could walk to school together. She’d wait for him after his basketball practice so they could stop by their favorite snack shop for an hour, possibly do homework, and then head back home (their houses were just right across each other’s),  just in time for dinner.

He’s the popular guy in school, and she’s the honor student. Come to think of it, they were the very definition of “opposites attract.” They had nothing in common except for the fact that they were madly in love with each other.

How that happened, one could only guess. Is it because they’ve known each other since he was seven and she was six? Is it because they wanted to try dating for fun (as a consequence of a game that his and her friends trapped them into) and it ended up being something more? Perhaps it’s because others used to pair them up just to tease the shy and awkward girl to the mischievous and charming boy? Or maybe it’s because they knew something about the other and it’s this secret which keeps them together?

Whatever it was, everybody else gave up trying to explain. Their love is just so pure, innocent, and real. If anyone would dare to question or doubt them, the rest would just point out to the said couple, and with one look, all arguments would instantly be rendered null and void. 

If only he isn’t a year older, then they would literally be an inseparable pair. Nobody tried to mess up their relationship because despite their differences, others could genuinely feel the love, sincerity, and trust they have between them. They envied them for having found their other half at such an early age. It seems like nothing could ever separate the two. Nothing but his dreams and ambition.

HIS POV:

It’s her 17^th birthday. After the event I prepared for her, I said I'd grant her 3 wishes. She already used up 2. The first was that, the song I’d release as my debut single would be the same song I wrote and sang to her just now.

The second was that every 29^th of the sixth month of the year, we’d meet up at Ganghwando and just spend the day together. No distractions. No excuses. No one else but the two of us.

 As for the third, she said she’ll think about it.

“There’s no expiry date on this coupon you gave me so I guess I’ll save this up for later. Mehrong!” she outwitted me once more and I just laughed as I agreed.

Little did I know that just a month later, I’ll regret having to give her “3 sowon (wish) coupons.” Maybe I should’ve just stuck with two. 

HER POV:

It was oppa’s graduation day. We finally managed to break free from the endless picture taking sessions. I led him towards the school garden where I intended to give him my gift when he received the call that would change our lives, or perhaps, just his.

I didn’t have to guess who was on the other line or what the conversation was about. Actions speak louder than words. From the way his eyes twinkled with glee, hope, and ambition, up until his gaze landed on mine, we both knew that the inevitable has arrived.

 “I got in.” that’s all he could say as he walked back towards where I stood. The flowers and gift I held in my hands trembled and he had to hold me just to make sure it wouldn’t fall. I tried so hard to keep the tears to myself, but to no avail. I looked up at him with all the courage I had left, and smiled.

“I’m happy for you oppa. Congratulations. You’re just one step closer to achieving your dreams.” I meant it sincerely but we both knew that it doesn’t change the fact that it’s breaking our hearts at the same time.

He didn’t say a word as he reached out to accept the gifts I prepared for him. We stood motionless for a long period of time before he sighed, took a deep breath, and embraced me as if he never wanted to let go.

Maybe I should’ve held on to him tighter. Maybe I never should’ve let him go..if I did so, then all these regret and longings would never have to come to existence..

They only had a month left before his departure to Seoul. No one questioned or discouraged them for spending almost every waking hour with each other. Everyone in their town would just wistfully shake their heads as they see the two walk hand-in-hand, and gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes.

A group of middle-aged men and women who’d often seen the two would always discuss about the possible outcomes.

“Young love…will they survive the harsh reality of what’s to come?” the man with an auburn hair would ask sadly.

“They can if they choose to.” Someone from the ladies would respond.

“It’s not that easy.” Another guy, the one with a mustache would retort.

“How is it not easy? Their relationship doesn’t have to end just because he is pursuing his dream and she is soon to go after hers. It’s all just a matter of timing, understanding, trust, and constant communication.” The second lady would chime in confidently as she munched on her snacks.

“Even with all those factors combined, even if you both wanted to hold on to what you have, no matter how hard you try to fight for your love, in the end, a choice must be made. Regardless of the choice, the weight of the sacrifice and consequences that each option bears would forever be a burden upon your shoulders and your heart.” the man with the most angelic and handsome face replied, with a hint of sadness, regret, and longing in his voice. It is very much evident that he was talking about his own experience.

“WHOOOAAA man, that was deep! What made you go philosophical all of a sudden? Smile, bro! Everyone, cheers!” the jokester among the group would try to lighten up the mood.

The gloomy atmosphere would resume to its original happy state and just like that, all events of the past would be left at the back of their minds. Before the group would disperse and retire to his/her own homes, they’d bring up the topic once more.

“We think it’s going to be ok as long as they hold on to each other and believe that their love is the kind that is meant to endure every trial they have to face.” the ladies would respond positively.

 The guys would then look at each other and sadly shake their heads. They have been through this before. They know how it’ll all end. The industry may have changed and evolved, but the core of it all remains the same.

“Not everyone can achieve their happy ending as each of you had. We once hoped for that too, but as far as real life is concerned, our hopes ended up as nothing more than wishful thinking.” The eldest and the least outspoken one shared his thoughts.

“If given the chance to go back to the past, what would you choose? Career or love?” the prettiest lady asked, her gaze refusing to meet that of the guy with the angelic face.

It was the masculine and tall man who answered first. 

“Career. Definitely career. We became the best of the best. We paved way for the Hallyu wave. How can I trade all that success for something like that?” the jokester would agree with the group’s leader. Others would pitch in their approval until one last man had yet to say a word.

The guy with the angelic face glanced towards the prettiest lady in the group, his eyes full of longing and his voice melancholic as he simply answered,

“Love. I would’ve chosen love.”

The two of them quickly brushed off the tear from their eyes even before anyone from the group noticed it.

If only he heard what the conversation was about, if only he took his sunbae’s advice to heart and learned from his mistake, then maybe, just maybe, their love story wouldn’t have met the same fate.

My alarm clock in the morning said you got to go now

The breakfast you were calling and my heart just broke down

Cause tomorrow we will be waking up separately

Wish I never heard that clock ring

See I don't want to win if my hearts got to lose

So how in the world do I choose?

HER POV:

5:45am. I shut my alarm clock off and lied still in my bed as I stared at the ceiling. I don’t want to think of this as our last. I don’t even know if I’m strong enough to say goodbye. Is there a way for me to time travel back to the first day that we met? Because it feels like the time we spent together isn’t enough. It’ll never be enough. I’ll never be prepared for the event that is to come no matter how many times I convince myself that I’ll be ok; that everything about us will be fine.

My phone vibrated, signaling a message has been received. My heart felt heavy and light at the same time. I reluctantly reached over to where my phone was and read the message.

* Do u know the  first person I think of as soon as I open my eyes? She’s  the most adorable, beautiful and greatest girlfriend in the world! And she’s smiling right now. Good morning! I love you.*

I fought the urge to cry. Now is not the right time to think about what lies ahead. Right now is all about the two of us. I hope that thought would help me get through the day.

We spent the entire day doing everything we can think of no matter how silly or senseless it may seem. Once we thought we’ve done all there is to do, we headed back to our secret hangout by the meadows. He sat down on the blanket. I was busy trying to distract my thoughts by plucking out dandelions while I let the gentle breeze scatter it in the air.

“Leo.” He whispered. 

I turned around to the sound of his voice with confusion painted across my face. He gave me that smile that never fails to knock me off my feet as he motioned for me to come closer. I obliged and soon enough, I found myself wrapped in his arms.

With his left arm as my pillow, and his right holding me in an embrace that made me feel safe and secure, I drew myself closer to him. I breathed in his scent and I unconsciously held on to his shirt in a steel grip. We stayed like this for a few more minutes, never wanting to let go.

 He kissed the top of my head, lifted my chin to meet his gaze as he finally broke the silence.

“Leo. That’s the name I want to give our son when we get married in the future.” He smiled.

“Why Leo? I thought you said you wanted a “very manly Korean name.”” I , although it was evident that the tone of my voice was dripping with excitement and curiosity.

“It came from dandeLIOns…”

“Then shouldn’t it be LIO, and not LEO?” I interrupted him.

“Nah. Lio sounds like a girl’s name. Leo it is.” He replied.

“Is that all there is to that name?” I asked further. He pinched my cheeks and kissed my forehead.

“Aigoo, you’re so cute. I knew you’d ask that. Of course not. I would’ve told you the complete explanation if you only allowed me to finish talking.”

I pouted and pretended to sulk and he just laughed and hugged me tighter.

“Leo comes from the word “dandeLIOn,” in honor of The Dandelion Promise we made during our homecoming dance…” he started off. 

I could feel the tears sting my eyes. I blinked several times as I willed myself not to give in to the emotions. The Dandelion Promise was a cheesy term we coined when we started dating for real. He said he wanted to confess with a pretty bouquet of red roses during a beautiful candlelit romantic dinner setup; but because our classmates tricked him into believing that I’ll be studying abroad (when in fact, I was just going to attend a cousin’s wedding in Seoul) and might never come back, he rushed towards the classroom, asked my History teacher to pause his lecture midway, bearing a handful of dandelions (since that was the first flower he could find within such a short notice) in the messiest bouquet, as he knelt before me and confessed.

I remembered how I blushed madly hearing that and how everyone else witnessed this event. I remembered how our teachers, my classmates, sunbaes, and hoobaes teased us a lot until I shyly gave my answer to his confession. I remembered how he ran and danced along the hallways like a kid as he told every other person he met how he is the luckiest guy on earth because I accepted his heart and said I love him too.

I remembered that on that same day, we had our Homecoming dance. I remembered how we promised to keep our love as innocent, pure, and unconditional, and that we’d fight for it no matter what came our way. I remembered it all too clearly, and right now, I’m afraid I can’t hold back the tears any longer.

I did my best to let these memories fade into oblivion as I tried to focus all my attention on what he was saying.

“Aside from that, Leo also means lion; a lion is dubbed as the king of the jungle, one who protects the pride and keeps everyone out of harm’s way. That’s who I am to you. I’ll be your king because you’re my queen. I’ll protect and guard your heart no matter what it takes. I’ll love you fiercely and I’ll do anything I can just to make sure you’re never going to get hurt. Our future son’s name is not just a reminder of that promise, but the proof that a love as beautiful as ours exists.”

He finished off by looking into my eyes lovingly and taking my hand to his heart as I could feel the rhythm in sync with mine.

Take a deep breath. Relax. Be still, my heart. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. FOR THE LOVE OF GOGUMAS AND DANDELIONS, PLEASE DON’T CRY!!! It was at this moment that oppa chose to readjust our position so we can now see each other face-to-face…just then, he flashed me that smile. I’m a lost case. In the end, I still cried.

He chuckled as he pulled me towards him.

“Aigoo. Why are you crying? I knew it. You’re falling for my poetic charms! Hahaha!”

I punched his chest lightly and he continued to laugh. Sometimes I ask myself how did I fall in love with a choding, but regardless of that, the conclusion would always be the same: I don’t regret anything about him, my feelings, and our love.

“What about our future daughter, oppa?” I . He scratched the back of his head and tried to think about it. After a few minutes, he gave up.

“Hmm…I don’t know yet.” He sighed but his expression turned a 180 and I recognized that look of mischief in his eyes.

“Yah, are you that excited to start a family with me? First a son, and now you’re asking about our daughter? Ey..i never knew you had it in you to crave for my DNA that much! And here I thought you are all about responsible parenthood and family planning! Hahahaha!”

“OPPA!”

He laughed as he stood up and said,

“MEHRONG!”

He started running away, and this time, I didn’t think twice as I chased him. When I finally caught him in a back hug, I whirled him around to face me. I brushed the bangs out of his eyes as I felt him lock his hands on my waist, our bodies inching closer.

We gazed lovingly into each other, letting the silence fill in the words left unsaid.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

We smiled and just as the sunset painted a beautiful prism of colors across the sky, he leaned down to give me the sweetest kiss. 

It was almost midnight when he brought me back home. Normally, my parents would scold us for being home this late, but tonight, they decided to just let me be. I couldn’t be any more thankful for their support, care, and understanding. Just before I closed my eyes and drift off to sleep, I saw that third coupon he gave me on my birthday. I felt the tears fall once more because this time, I knew what my third wish would be.

I just need one more kiss, one more touch

I just can't get enough of you

But I'm in a rush I got to fly away 

Planes waiting up for me right at gate twenty-three

There's a doorway to my dreams

I could go or I could stay

Should I change my life or miss my flight?

HIS POV:

Today is the day that I have to leave for Seoul. My emotions are in a mess right now but I chose not to dwell on the negative ones. I’m one step closer to achieving my dreams. I heard my mother call me downstairs saying I should hurry up, otherwise, I’d miss my ride.

She had other commitments that day and so we only had half an hour left before my flight. My eyes lit up as I saw her running towards me.

“I thought I couldn’t make it on time! I was so scared that I wouldn’t even get the chance to see you.” I could hear her voice start to crack so I held her closer and whispered reassuring words.

There are so many things we both wanted to say, but every time we tried to speak, no word came out of our mouth. Instead, we just stood there, locked in an embrace, and not caring about the rest of the crowd.

The announcement came that it was time for me to board. I could feel her tighten her grip on my waist and it broke my heart to step away from her. I smiled one last time, kissed her, and turned my back to walk away. Before I reached Gate 23, she caught up with me. She took something out from her pocket and I immediately recognized it as the third coupon she has yet to use.

“I know what I’m going to wish for this time.” She said calmly. I didn’t think much of it as the choding in me .

“Hmm..let me guess. You want an autograph? A picture? Or…a kiss from oppa?” I winked at her. This was the part wherein she’d roll her eyes and stuck her tongue out in response; except, she didn’t do any of that. She bowed her head and refused to meet me at an eye level. I felt fear and panic take control of my being.

“I wish…I wish..I wish..” she struggled to say the words out loud and I knew that her voice faltered with each attempt. Before I could say anything else, she managed to speak once more.

“I wish that you would break up with me.” 

I felt like I was thrown into a burning furnace, taken out abruptly, then splashed into ice cold water. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, and my lungs deprived of the air it deserved. I felt like a part of me died the minute I heard that tone of finality in her voice. Why?

I tried to say something, anything, but once again, words failed me. I wanted to get on my knees and beg. I wanted to pull my hair out in frustration, scream at her and demand to ask her why she’s doing this to me, to us. Instead, I couldn’t do anything but to cry.

And I'm standing with you in this terminal

Crying my eyes out in tears

 I never once shed tears in front of her, but right now, I couldn’t care less about my pride. I reached out to her, but it killed me once more when she distanced herself from me.

“Please…it doesn’t have to be this way..” I begged her. She shook her head and hastily wiped her own tears.

“How can it not be this way, oppa? You and I both know it’s not going to work. You’re there, and I’m here. You’re going to be an idol, and I will forever be the ordinary girl. If your work schedule isn’t enough to tear us apart, I am certain that your fans will. They’ll never understand. They’ll never accept me no matter how much I want to prove myself worthy of your love.

I love you, oppa. I love you so much that even if it hurts so bad, I’ll let you go. I can’t ask you to give up your dreams and I don’t doubt that you can do that for me. I won’t burden you with making a choice, and that is why, I’ll decide for us.

We’ve known each other since we were kids, and we’ve been together for 2 years. Whenever I’ll miss you, I’ll just type your name in the search engine, and then follow your activities online. When the pain is too much, I’ll take that old box filled with letters you wrote for me and read them until the ache subsides. 

Maybe you’ll meet new girls, and possibly fall out of love with me and in love with one of them. Maybe what’s between us right now is more than love, but the timing and circumstances aren’t in our favor. I’m not certain it ever will.

No matter what, I will always treasure you and everything you did. I’ll put all the songs you wrote for me in my iPod and listen to them, as each line would be engraved in my memory. I know that even as a tear would fall while listening to this, a smile wouldn’t leave my face knowing that once upon a time, you were just MY oppa, and not every other girl’s; that in this lifetime, you were once MINE and I was once yours.

I don’t want to be a burden to you as you take on the path towards reaching your dreams. I don’t want you to resent me by asking you to stay. I don’t want to hold on to the hope that everything will the stay the same because reality doesn’t work that way. You remember that silly joke I’d always tell you? About breaking up before you make your debut? I hope that you do..because, someday..someday, you will thank me for leaving you. I love you oppa, and I wish you all the best in the world.”

She didn’t give me a chance to respond as she kissed me quickly and ran away. I wanted to run after her, but my feet were glued to the ground.  

I should’ve ran after her. There’s no excuse as to why I didn’t, because deep inside, I was selfish. I couldn’t admit then that she was right. That my dreams weighed more to me than that promise I made to her. I should’ve been brave and strong enough to tell her that the decision she made for the two of us, was the wrong one. Instead, I just let her walk out of my life for good. For that, I deserve this lifetime of regret. 

The eight years that followed after that event was nothing short of a chaotic rollercoaster ride, the last five of which, had them trying to keep their relationship a secret. They have rekindled their love and commitment during that high school reunion, and since then, they have mastered the skill of hiding, sneaking around, and lying to the public.

Some of his crazy, obsessive stalker fans figured out that he was in a relationship. It didn’t take long before they uncovered her identity. He did everything in his power to protect her from the public, but a minority of his fans and pesky journalists wouldn’t give him a break.

For years, she has been cursed at, harassed, and she had to deal with immature young girls spreading malicious rumors about her. It didn’t help at all that he got paired up with some actress in 3 projects – two dramas and a variety show.

He argued his case against his agency executives but he resigned to their conditions believing that this move was the only plausible way to hide his relationship and possibly protect the woman he loved. Only, this tactic backfired. His fans, her fans, and the press fell in love with their pairing. There was so much pressure for them to date in real life no matter how many times he politely and subtly reject the idea. 

Once, when he tried to drop hints about his relationship, the public response was a complete and utter uproar. It was a miracle that her identity was still kept under wraps but that didn’t shield her from the life-threatening situations she’s been put through, as well as the harsh accusations about her “seducing” and attempting to “break the nation’s couple” apart because of her selfishness.

“I don’t understand oppa. Why is it ok for you to date her, and not me? Why do your fans think that they have the right to dictate who you should be with just because they buy your albums and concert tickets? Why am I not good enough in their eyes? Why do they see me this way? Oppa, tell me, please. Help me understand, because I’m afraid that any second right now, the last string holding my sanity would give up on me too.”

“I love you.” that’s all he could ever say in response. She’d cry harder and he had to hold her to keep her from falling apart.

“I love you too, oppa, but clearly, the public and your fans will never accept that. Sometimes I just want to lash out at them and just say, you’re mine. You were mine even before they knew about you. You were my oppa, and mine alone. They’re just posers who don’t even know what the sentence, “OPPA SARANGHAE!!!” really meant. They don’t know and never will know the weight of that until they get to experience what I’m going through right now.”

She cried herself to sleep every night and even if his family and friends wanted her for him, they were the ones who told her that maybe it’s time they say goodbye and put an end to this. They didn’t listen of course. They were too stubborn and in love. They defended themselves against the people dearest to them saying that this time, they were strong and mature enough to handle the mudsling.

The cycle went on until such time a fatal accident nearly claimed her life. At this point, her father knew it was time to intervene.

HIS POV:

I held her hand as I watched her sleep. She’s been in this state for a week and every day, I’d beg for her to wake up. I heard the door open and saw her parents come in. It was her mother’s turn to watch over her and I knew by the look on her father’s face that he had something to say to me in private.

We reached the secluded part of this suite room and I sat down across from him, nervously. I was prepared for the physical pain and I knew I deserved it after everything that has happened. Instead, I got the shock of my life when her father stood up, and knelt before me as he cried.

“Please..please let my daughter go. I can’t bear to see her suffer like this any longer. I know that you love you her and that she loves you too, but I don’t think this love you have is enough to protect her from harm and danger. She deserves more than what you can give her. She deserves more than your empty promises.

It breaks my heart to see her treated like this by the public. What father would want to see his daughter’s pride and image be ruined by malicious and unfounded rumors? No one has a right to call her names, wreck her car and personal belongings, hack into her accounts, get her blacklisted, and so on. She will forever be my little girl, my princess. I love her and I’ll do everything I can to shield her, even if that meant asking you to let her go.

I know it’s selfish of me to do this, and I know that she will hate me when she finds out, but please..please understand that I’m doing what any father would do for his child.”

The two of us were sobbing and couldn’t care less about what we look like right now if any of the reporters would barge in unexpectedly. This is it. I had to make a choice once more.

“Please.”

I looked at her father who shed off his pride and dignity just to kneel before me and plead that I let his daughter go. It was at this moment that I realized, I can never really have everything. I didn’t say a word as I nodded my head and cried harder. He stood up and embraced me as I heard him whisper a heartfelt,

“Thank you.”

I was given the second chance to undo my mistake in the past, but I let that opportunity slip from my grasp. When life confronted me with the question of “love or career?” I should’ve chosen the first. I should’ve chosen her. The reward for being a coward, for my selfishness, greed, and stupidity, is nothing more than a lifetime of saudade. 

I’m eternally lost (I’m feeling like I lost my mind)

Without your love (I know that I’ll get left behind)

And all I do is waste my time

I’m stuck between your world and mine

I’m eternally lost, lost and all alone

And it’s your love that leads me on

9 years later…

HIS POV:

Of all the promises I made to her, I managed to break each and every one of it. I failed to even fulfill the 3 wishes I said I’d grant her so many years ago. I said I’d grant her first wish by debuting with the sweet love song I wrote for her 17^th birthday; instead, I exploded in the music scene with the song called, Don’t Say Goodbye. It was the one I wrote during that plane ride to Seoul when she first broke up with me.

Second, I purposely filled my schedule with every event or activity there is during the 29^th day of the sixth month of the year – the time we promised to meet and spend the day together at all costs. Lastly, she asked me to break up with her, but in my heart and mind, I never agreed. 

I asked her to give me a second chance, and she did. As always, it was my dreams and ambitions that ruined us. In the end, it was still my selfishness and foolishness which got in the way. I didn’t even get to say goodbye after that conversation between her father and I. I kissed her one last time and cut off all communication. Later on, I found out that she left the country and got married.

It’s been 9 years and yet the hollow feeling, this emptiness, still consumes me. I am eternally lost in this Saudade – that deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves who may never return.

Our memories have become a recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes me feel alive again. It brings sad and happy feelings all together, sadness for missing and happiness for having experienced the feeling.

Saudade: the love that remains..the love that will forever be in my heart as well as the longings, regret, and sadness it brings. The love that I should’ve fought for. The woman I never should’ve let go of. Had I known that the price I’d pay for all the fame and fortune I achieved would be losing the one girl who’d eternally own my heart, I never should’ve chased after this dream.

I re-read the last letter she sent me, even if I knew the words by heart. I received this right before I enlisted in the army along with the invitation to her wedding.

“Today is the anniversary of your debut.

I just finished my work, so I decided to write some words for you.

Few hours ago your parents called me to inform that you were about to conduct your world tour soon, and that you were very busy at the moment, they also told me not to worry. But neither of them knew we rarely kept in touch. After receiving their call, I felt so relieved, so I went to visit them.

They cooked lots of delicious food for me, they said no matter how our relationship went, they still treated me as their daughter. Deep inside my heart, I don’t want to talk about you, I just want to take care of them  for you, do all the work you should be doing. I understand, very clearly, that when you chose to be a singer, you can’t stay by their side. I will do everything I could, and try my best to take care of them and make them happy. If not, I’ll ask our friends to look after them  for you.

I know I’m neither a beautiful girl nor an amazing person, but when we were together, I can feel your love for me. Up till now, I’ve been always thankful that I had the chance to meet you, to know you – a lovely and caring person. Despite the sad things in the past, all the memories between us were so beautiful, thinking about that time again, I have no regret. I remember when we were together, you pretended to be angry at me because I didn’t call you “yeobo”. Even though you acted like a  choding, you still adored, respected  and cared for me…

I don’t know why I’m writing this, just wanna bring up something to talk with you. I always tell myself to forget you so I can move on, slowly, starting a new life without you. But no matter how busy I am, or how I try hard to fill up my mind with work, I still miss you, wondering if you take care of yourself, if your stomach still hurts …

Did you remember that long time ago I showed you my future table plan? Now I’m trying my best to do it. I’ll give myself 5 years to experience things, grow up and enhance my knowledge. My appa doesn’t want me to face difficulty, but my work is not that hard. I know I have lots of things to do, I have to stay strong.

Whenever I miss you, I’ll log on to any SNS you’re active in, stream your videos in the internet, and just go through that box which kept every piece of memory of the time we were together. I once had this random thought of going to your concert, but I’m afraid the minute I’d hear your voice and see your face, I’d throw all doubts away and jump into your arms once more. I don’t want to be the reason for your career’s downfall, and so I had to be strong enough to move on and let go.

 I always knew that the possibility of this ending for us would occur, but please forgive me, oppa, for being a burden during the times I hoped for a different outcome.

You remember that silly joke I’d always tell you? I hope that you do..because, someday..someday, you will thank me for leaving you. I will always love you oppa and there’s nothing more I’d want but to wish you all the happiness in the world.”

P.S. I know that it’s cruel of me to send you my wedding invitation, but I hope you take this in a positive way and be assured that I found someone who’d take care of me. I hope you find your own someone too, oppa, because you are an amazing person who doesn’t deserve to be alone.

I folded up the piece of paper neatly and kept it safely. I laughed bitterly as the tears came falling down once more. I looked at the picture of the two of us (the one taken during my graduation) and I felt that ache in my heart.

“You said that someday, I'll thank you for leaving me, but when will that day come? Ever since you’re gone, I’m stuck. I’m eternally lost. I’m an open wound that’s never going to heal.”

I clenched my fists and closed my eyes as I let the memories consume me.

“Appa, are you crying? Why are you sad? Please don’t be sad.”

I broke from my reverie and wiped off my tears. It took me 10 seconds to calm down, before I turned around to face my daughter with a smile plastered across my face.

“I’m not sad. These are tears of joy!” I exclaimed cheerily.

She didn’t seem convinced, so I had to carry her and tell her all about my ‘excitement’ of bringing her to my hometown. In just 5 minutes, all was forgotten and she was busy jumping out and down from happiness. If the pain of my lost love is the other half that keeps me going, then my six year old daughter is the other half that makes me want to go on living.

After meeting up with relatives and reconnecting with friends, I decided to bring my daughter to the place which meant a lot to me – that secret hangout by the meadow. My daughter was elated as soon as we reached the place.

“Appa! This is like paradise! I love it here! Can I go ahead and play?”

I chuckled and gave her permission. She didn’t waste time running around, picking out flowers, and trying to make necklaces out of it. My eyes were fixated on my little princess when something else caught my attention. No. It couldn’t be. 

A woman and a little boy came from the opposite direction and were headed towards this place. I felt my heart race and as soon as I got a clearer view of her face, I heard it..our long lost and broken melody. My saudade. 

She’s just as beautiful as I remembered. She’s almost the same, except she isn’t. I wanted to reach out to her, take her in my arms, and shamelessly beg for another chance; but just one look at the ring on her fourth finger, and the little boy who kissed her cheek, went along to make friends and play with my daughter, I backed out. I lost the chance to be a part of her life when I chose to hold on to my dreams and let her go. I gave her the right to be with someone else and there’s no one else to blame but me.

She nodded and smiled politely as she reached the place where I sat. The surge of emotions and memories consumed me once more. Our close proximity was suffocating me but at the same time, just sitting beside her felt like I’ve come home.

We didn’t say a word as we watched our children get along as if they didn’t just met. I remembered how we used to be like that, and from the corner of my eye, I saw the look on her face which meant she was reminiscing the same moment too.

She didn’t look up to me as I finally put an end to this agonizing silence.

“What’s his name?” I asked.

She smiled, and I felt my heart come back to life. If only that smile was directed towards me. She still refused to meet my gaze as she replied,

“Leo. His name is Leo.”

Memories of that conversation we had which felt like a lifetime ago, hung in the air:

“Leo also means lion; a lion is dubbed as the king of the jungle, one who protects the pride and keeps everyone out of harm’s way. That’s who I am to you. I’ll be your king because you’re my queen. I’ll protect and guard your heart no matter what it takes. I’ll love you fiercely and I’ll do anything I can just to make sure you’re never going to get hurt. Our future son’s name is not just a reminder of that promise, but the proof that a love as beautiful as ours exists.”

I bit the inside of my cheek just to prevent myself from sobbing uncharacteristically. I knew I wasn’t the only one remembering that as I could see her try to stop her hands from shaking.

I waited for a long while until she finally had the guts to ask me that question back.

“What’s her name?”

It was my turn to smile.

“Same as yours.” 

This time, she turned around to face me, too many emotions flashed in her eyes –shock, regret, longing, sadness, pain, and..love? I looked at her and tried to convey through my eyes everything I wanted to say for the past 9 years; that naming my daughter after her is a feeble attempt of trying to hold on to our past; that in a funny and rather twisted way, I did manage to give her my last name, except, it’s not really her but my daughter. Whenever I call out that name, the love in my heart intensifies – it’s the love I have for my little princess, coupled with the love I have and always will, dedicate to the woman sitting beside me right now.

If there’s one thing that our friends would point out when we were a couple, that is, we can have an entire conversation by mere eye contact. The time, distance, and all that has happened between us can attest that our connection through that simple gesture, remains intact. A tear fell from my left eye, the moment hers did on the right.

It was during this moment that her son and my daughter came rushing towards us, as they laughed and blew dandelions. Her son wrapped his arms around her neck to give her a kiss on the cheek at the same time my daughter did the same to me. In that fleeting moment wherein only the sound of laughter could be heard, I knew that somehow, I got a slice of the future I’ve always dreamed to have with her.

As our children’s laughter died down, our gazes locked. I felt my heart burst with joy, longing, and regret when I recognized the look and the smile she was giving me. Our eyes glistened with unshed tears once more as I mustered up the strength and courage I have within me to smile back at her. 

In that moment, it almost feels like we were together again.

~THE END~

HER POV:

“ANDDDDD….CUT!!! THAT WAS GREAT, YONGHWA-SSHI, SEOHYUN-SSHI! You guys are awesome!” Khun oppa said as he stood up from the director’s chair and started clapping.

He turned to the entire cast and crew, gave a 90 degree bow, and thanked them for all the hard work. He called us over to huddle up and we all shared a group hug. That is, until, a certain unnie of mine wailed loudly from the background.

“WAAAAHHH!!! OMG I can’t take this! It’s so sad! Waaah! Babe, can we rewrite the ending and give them a happy one? Why does it have to be this way?! Waaaaaah!!!”

Khun oppa scratched his head as a staff handed him a tissue box. He walked towards where Tiffany unnie sat.

“Babe, you were the one who wrote this ending. Besides, didn’t we all agree on it? How can this movie be labeled as a melo if in the end, they’d be together? You said so yourself that this kind of finale is the one which would leave a bigger impact in the audience’s mind. The title of this film, Saudade: Eternally Lost, wouldn’t make any sense if we alter the ending.” Khun oppa explained as he tried to pacify Fany unnie’s sobs.

“But..but I didn’t know it’d be this sad! Waaah! My heart can’t take it. It hurts so much! Can you reconsider changing the end? Please? Pretty please? Babe! This is just so sad! I applaud your directing skills of course for all those heart-wrenching emotions you captured with that scene, but please. It’s so sad. Waaah!”

Khun oppa sighed and the rest of us just shook our heads and chuckled. Yong oppa and I headed to the corner where we plopped down on the plush sofa and munched on some snacks.

“I bet it’ll take more than 24 hours before hyung talks your unnie out of changing the ending.”

“Aigoo. Why do you think it took us more than a year to finish this project?” I replied amusingly. This project was Khun oppa’s directorial debut as well as Fany unnie’s first foray into the field of scriptwriting. SNSD, CNBLUE, and 2PM members pitched in to produce this film.

“Finish? With the scene going on there, I don’t think we can really call this a done deal.”

He reached out to take a sip of his Americano and this time, I let him. He deserves a break from my nagging once in a while. I leaned closer to oppa and as if by instinct, he wrapped his arms around me possessively. Jung Yonghwa. Forever the Greedy Man. Not that I’m complaining.

“Hmm..oppa?”

“Just ask the question, Joohyuy.”

I smiled. He really does know me, inside and out.

“What if Daehyun and Eun Ae ended up together in the movie? What would you name their daughter, then?”

“Lily.” The reply came in quickly. He must’ve thought about this alternate end too.

“Why? Lemme guess. From dandeLIons again?” I asked.

“Yep.” He responded as he took another sip of that americano.

“So, tell me the story.” I urged him.

“If their son was Leo, then their daughter would have to be Lily; lily symbolizes purity, unions, partnerships, and long-lasting relationships. Not only that, but lilies tend to give off this feeling of fragility, of you wanting to protect and shield its innocence; that something as beautiful as that should be handled with utmost care and gentleness.

Their daughter is the proof that they were able to uphold the Dandelion Promise they made and along with their son, they were able to protect this love and family they risked their all for in the first place.”

I felt so touched with his explanation that I just pulled his face closer to mine to give him a kiss. Before the kiss could go any deeper or passionate than I would’ve wanted it to, we heard Fany unnie (who was probably spying/eavesdropping on us for who knows how long) break into squeals, sobs, and squeals again.

“KYAAA! THIS! OMO! This is the kind of ending I want for Daehyun and Eun Ae! Khun oppa! Yongseo’s version is a lot better than the one we just filmed!”

Yong oppa groaned and muttered his complaints under his breath, obviously pissed that our ‘moment’ got interrupted. Khun oppa walked towards where we were as Fany unnie began rambling about the possibility of an alternate end.

 I felt my hand being tugged and we quietly slipped out of the place. When we successfully made it back to the film set (in the meadows), Yong oppa brought me to a spot wherein we could appreciate the view of this beautiful paradise.

How Taeyeon unnie and Jonghyun oppa found this place, I don’t know (and I’m not sure I want to know); but I have to give them props because this looks like a postcard come to life.

“Oppa…if you were Daehyun, would you let me walk away too? Would you give me up without putting up a fight? Will you choose your career over me?” I asked. It’s not that I doubt he’ll ever do that, but what the heck. Sometimes (ok, most of the time), girls still need to be constantly reminded and reassured.

“I may be a choding, but I’m not dumb and selfish enough to let that happen. I’ll never let you walk away from me, and even if you’d ask, I won’t give you my permission. I love you, you love me, why would I let the both of us be miserable by breaking up? Shiro!” he pouted as he back hugged me tightly and bury his face in my hair. How Jung Yonghwa can still be a romantic amidst his choding mode, will forever be a mystery to me. Nevertheless, I love him anyway.

“Good. Because I don’t want either of us to be miserable too. I love you oppa.”

“I know…” I turned my head and pretended to glare at him for that response.

 He laughed, kissed my cheek, and whispered in my ear the words that swept me off my feet.

“I love you too, Joohyun-ah, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that the future we always wanted for the two of us, will come to fruition. A few years from now, we will have our own Leo and Lily. You know what the best part is? Because they’re ½ me, and ½ you. Together, we are going to build this family we’ve always dreamed of.

For now, please do wait a little longer. That venue in Kawagoe you wanted is still fully booked until the end of next year. Aish. It’s either we wait for a cancellation, or you pick a different place for our wedding.”

The two of us laughed. The gentle, cold breeze blew and he embraced me tighter. This is home. This is my paradise. I could not ask for more than what I have right now.

~THE END  (for real). :p~

Author's Note:

21 days ago, I began to write bits and pieces but I never really had the time to complete it until now. I had a difficult time trying to come up with a title and I know that the one I chose may not be very original. I just couldn’t find any other word that has the same meaning and depth as that of, Saudade.

I contemplated a lot on how I should end this. I considered the possibility of an alternate end so I can use up both, but I decided not to. It's not my style, I guess. An open end, probably. But having 2 endings, unlikely. So yeah. I think by now you do know already which type of ending won. Maybe I'll consider the sad one when it's not my OTP I'm writing about. hahaha.

I also did consider rewriting this into a Krysmin shot and if that did push through, I would definitely give them the sad ending than the original happy one. ^_^\/

If you also noticed, I didn’t use any name up until the “twist” (about yongseo shooting scenes for a movie) was revealed. Maybe some of you were able to guess or predict this outcome as I have often used this style in my previous oneshots. :D

The letter I was referring to in the Foreword is the one that EXO’s Lay’s ex-girlfriend wrote for him. I revised it and used it for this story. All credits given to the owner and translator. I don’t know if that’s legit or not but the way it was written just struck a chord within me. I wondered how many other girls had to go through that just to protect an idol’s dream? I did tackle the secret idol relationships there is with YunBoa’s special chapter in RU, but this is my first time to write about an idol’s relationship before he achieved all that success and the price that came along with that dream. Emo feels! Haha

The ending of the “movie” they were filming in this story is inspired from Dear John (the novel, not the movie; still pissed how they altered the ending for that adaptation), including the way it was worded. 

Anyhow, I do hope you enjoyed reading this. Any feedback is always appreciated. Thanks! ^^