I have been thinking about him the entire week through.

 

How would I tell him this? i had been exercising how I would stand in front of him, what to say, how to look and so on and now was the moment, it was finally time. I had promised myself to tell it by today, thursday. I had sports classes the first two hours so I didn't see him yet. I followed him and his friends to the lockerroom. I waited for him to take his books out of his locker and to return, following his friends. Right when he wanted to walk past me and through the doorgate, i pulled him back at his sleeve. He looked at me questioning, we hadn't really talked before. I was caught in his gaze and all my well exercised sentences had left my head without leaving any trail. I didn't have any words left and my stomach hurt from those annoying butterflies. I felt my face heathing up. He's right in front of me. "tension is rising..." He said jokingly. I found my breath back and along with that, words came. Not the ones I had been practicing, they just came. My mouth formed sounds and words I never thought of before.

"um, you know... I kind of love you. You can do whatever you want.... Laugh at me, tell everyone and maybe even hate me... I don't care at all but I thought you had to know about my feelings so that they're not only in my head anymore." Then I averted my eyes. I didn't let go of his black sleeve yet and expected a harsh answer telling me to let go. However I only caught a slight chuckling. I looked up and saw him smirking down on me. "Am I that y?"

"I really don't get why I love you." I told him.

I actually do, and I know damn good that he's ing y, but I didn't say so, blushed even harder and ran away. The next 6 hours of school rushed by and I couldn't look at him even once. Friday, I felt my heart beating in my throat, head and legs everytime I saw or heard him. In my math classes I sat next to my best friend, Chaerin, who is also Soohyuk's best friend. She warned me multiple times not to fall in love with him. He loved her before. I was afraid that felling remained seeing the way he acted when he was in her precence. In our sculpting classes and religion classes, I kept extremely quiet. Religion classes are my personal hell. I don't get why we have to follow a religion in the first place? But yeah, that's what I think... I had really bad grades last exams and my teacher gave me and Soohyuk a weekly extra task. The two last hours of the week were a torture as well. The heath walmed out of the class once I opened the door. The whole room was so warm it felt like a sauna. I couldn't manage to breathe proper and my head started hurting so i asked whether I could go outside for a little time. I went outside and sat down right next to the door. I heard someone shout "It's because of Soohyuk!" And lots of laughing. I could vanish now. I ran off the stairs and sat down for a twenty minutes in the cold outside when Chaerin followed me out of the classroom and we had a talk. She felt my heartbeat and realised this was not normal, so she tought I needéd to lie down, which I didn't do. I went back to the class. Red like a tomato and dying out of shame. All eyes where on me. Thanks to Chaerin, I discovered that Soohyuk is very alike to me. We both have an unhealable (does that word even exist?) illness. He has problems with his heart, I have problems with pretty much everything. We both have insomnia and problems with our cruel parents. We both like to wear black clothes and are about as tall. We both drank way too much alcohol... Those are only like... The obvious things.

the biggest difference is that he's strong and I am weak.

a month passed by and we didn't talk to each other even once. Not even a 'hi' or anything from greetings. Until one moment when I got his phonenumber from Chaerin and I started texting him, asking him wheder he already made his religion task. he'd forget we even had such a task so I made it for him, kind of happy I could do something for the handsome, tall and very skinny boy in black. I wanted to start working on the task when he asked me to talk a little more. I couldn't say no.

since that moment we've been texting alot, but like really really alot. He asked me alot of things about me. He learned that I am a girl that doesn't want to live no more. He learned that I have been by my only five years older uncle before. He learned that I hate doctors and I am afraid of being alone. That I need alot of affection, that I love and drinking and that I work all night in restaurants and bars not to feel any pain and not to be able to think, but...

 

 

He's not always very nice.

He doesn't look my way in real life.

Neither do I.

He doesn't talk to me.

He's got serious  moodswings.

He gets heartattacks in classes.

He runs out of the classroom.

He doesn't want me to worry.

He doesn't want me to help out.

He's helped me out with my uncle who wanted to take me to New York and who wanted to me.

He made me promise not to have during 6 months.

If i do have in the upcoming left 131 days, he will act as if I do not exist for 6 months.

Yet, he asked me for .

He says he hates me when I am drunk (we happened to be together while I was drunk twice)

We went to some bar togheter once.

He kissed me, for about half an hour.

He blames me alot.

He got a fight with Chaerin because of that night.

He had with Chaerin, twice, drunk.

He asked her out last month.

He's had lots of fights with her from then of on, she has her ex, Daesung, whom I and Soohyuk  do not like and who still likes her a lot.

He doesn't trust Chaerin, because she told all of his secrets to Daesung.

They have lots of fights right now (about three times a week)

He found himself another girl as best friend, Dara.

They both like plays and Dara acts herself, so he wants to take her out to a play.

He promises things to Dara.

He promised Dara not to drink anymore.

He doesn't understand why I am jaleous of Dara.

He is a bad person, he even kidnapped people before.

He has been sent away from school for a year, that is why he is one year older than the rest of our classmates and me.

Yet he is the nicest and sweetest and most concerning man I know.

His illness got worse and he stays at the hospital every night right now.

He only has five to ten years left to live right now.

He wanted kids.

He can't have them, he wouldn't have time to get to know them.

He wanted to go to the army.

He can't go there, his body is too weak.

He gave up on his dreams.

He doesn't like me being Chaerin's best friend.

He doesn't want me to be close to Chaerin.

He would be happy if I got a boyfriend.

Lately he looks away from the moment our eyes meet.

Lately his texts make me think that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, even though he tells me he has time to text.

He doesn't want me to die.

He doesn't want me to be ill.

He doesn't want me to drink.

He doesn't want me to have .

He doesn't want me to talk to Chaerin.

He wants me to live my own life and to be my own master.

He doesn't want me to be hurt.

He hurts me.