{8th May: one week before the incident}

"Hyung, the fans don't like my new hairstyle..." Tao mopes dejectedly as he scrolls through his Instagram comments, "they say longer hair suits me better."

"Don't listen to them," Suho frowns cutely at his computer while peering suspiciously at his screen, "Tao how do I enlarge the screen on our Skype chat box?"

Tao sighs to himself, completely ignoring his elder on the screen display, "They don't like my hair...they don't like my new concept...they don't like me."

"Yah, panda, I'm asking you a question."

"What do I do? Should I go talk to the stylists?"

"Huang Zita--"

"I don't want something uglier though! What if they turn me into a parrot like Sehun?"

"HUANG ZITAO YOU LITTLE--"

But before Junmyeon could launch into a full lecture about respecting elders and not interrupting when other people talk, a tall shadow enters to loom behind Tao, face obscured by the limited circumference of the camera.

"Are you talking to your AB style 'mum'?" an unmistakably deep voice drawls in his Chinese-Canadian accent, chuckling lowly as Junmyeon watches Tao pout at him sulkily.

"Gege! The fans don't like my hair short! Do you think I should just shave it all and wear a wig?"

"Don't be ridiculous." Kris' face finally appears in Junmyeon's vision after gently nudging an unhappy Tao aside, "How are you, Junmyeon?"

​"Same old, same old," the Korean leader smiles fondly at the handsome eyes filled with concern, "how about you? The kids behaving well in Beijing?"

"They never behave 'well'," Kris sighs a little, but maintains a mild expression despite the obvious dark circles under his eyes. "You know that Jongdae is like a mad singing cow every night before an important stage. Tao just paces around the room until he collapses onto his bed mumbling unintelligible grumbles. Minseok and Luhan have recently gotten addicted to this soccer simulation game; and Yixing just strums on his guitar singing random tunes until the level of caffeine in his bloodstream decreases enough for him to fall asleep."

"I'm sorry Kris," Junmyeon giggles - despite internally scolding himself for the unmanly gesture, "the kids with me here aren't much better though, I have to say. But the most well behaved one is always Kyungsoo, so at least I can count on him to make sure Jongin eats and changes his clothes after practicing."

"You know," Kris pulls a chair out to sit on after Tao quietly slinks away due to the lack of attention paid to him, "there are times where I simply wished that I didn't join SM."

"Oh, I know what you mean," Junmyeon takes no notice of Kris' dejected confession, "there are times when I wish that I didn't choose to become a celebrity too."

"No I didn't mean..." Kris trails off uncertainly, looking uncomfortable as Junmyeon tilts his head in confusion. "...Nevermind. Get enough sleep and feed the kids good food! We all need as much energy as possible for this upcoming promotion round."

"...Alright, take care of yourself too," and with that, the screen turns black as both parties log out of their Skype accounts.

"I didn't mean that I don't want to continue my dream of being a star - I just don't want to work for this selfish company anymore...but you'll never understand, EXO's guarding angel.

You'll never understand how the devil feels, right before he plunges into the burning abyss of hell."

Throughout the week, Kris walks around lifelessly with no energy remaining to in his slumped shoulders. 

What should he do?

Who should he talk to?

On one hand, Kris is sick and tired of this lifestyle. The stalkers (more commonly labelled as 'sasaengs') spy into his life almost twenty-four hours a day. Every morning he wakes up to the annoying vibration of his cellphone - only to pick up the incoming call and find that it's another fan who happened to discover his number. The music he dances and raps to isn't his own style - it's manufactured, fake, and full of ty lyrics describing a fictional love.

But on the other hand, Kris knows he's not alone. The forever caring Junmyeon; friendly and responsible Luhan; hard working yet whiney Tao; and all the other Korean and Chinese members of EXO who have acted as his second family for a little over two years now. He knows he shouldn't be selfish; he knows he'll disappoint so many fans and friends and family if he were to give up now. But he also knows that his body and his heart just simply cannot ignore any of this - he cannot simply ignore his own desires and live life being what others want him to be. That's not Kris; that's not the life style Kris wants for himself.

During times of trouble, Kris always finds himself dialing that one phone number his fingers are currently searching for in his phonebook; that one number he can always trust to offer good advice and comforting encouragements.

Byun Baekhyun's number.

Although Baekhyun and Kris haven't known each other for very long (compared to the other members who had trained alongside Kris anyway), when they first met there was just a certain attraction between them. Subtle, but definitely an attraction.

Now, neither Kris nor Baekhyun are homoual - hell, Kris doesn't even consider himself biual; unlike Baekhyun, who's open to more possibilities as long as the other party is nice to him. Kris isn't interested in boys nor kissing boys. Kris is straight.

Yet sometimes, just sometimes; he finds himself looking at the younger and thinking about his lips on his own.

That improper thought he would never share with Baekhyun, mind you, but he does entertain the idea of simply spending more time with Baekhyun - even just hearing his voice over the phone would be enough to quench his Baekhyun-thirst for a while. And despite being two years younger than Kris; the older finds that the baby-faced vocalist actually holds a lot of wisdom beneath his dark bistre coloured irises.

"Hello? Kris is that you?"

"Hey, what's up," Kris smiles despite himself at the sound of a groggy Baekhyun still half asleep, "sorry did I wake you?"

"No, not at all," he yawns audibly into the phone, causing the corners of Kris' lips to curl up once more.

"Do you think we could talk for a bit? I know it's like four in the morning in Korea, but EXO-M have got a schedule this morning."

Kris can almost hear Baekhyun rolling his eyes, "Well since you've already called, might as well just get to the point so we don't waste time with 'sorry to wake you but I already did's. Come on now, chop chop! Life waits for no one."

And just like that - just that one grumpy line tagged on at the end of a sentence of complaint, caused Kris to seriously question himself and what he really wants. Life waits for no one, his eyes widen in epiphany, life waits for no one...

"Hello? What the hell, are you still there?" Baekhyun's voice grows increasingly vexed by the minute, "galaxy to Wu Yifan! Helllooooo..."

"Thanks Baek," Kris suddenly says, causing the boy on the other side of the line to shut up in surprise, "I know what to do now."

"Wait what? Wu Yifan don't you dare hang up on me after spouting that makes no sense like this! I mean it! Expla--"

Kris ends the call with an faint shrug of his broad shoulders, Sorry Baekhyun, the time has not arrived for me to tell you everything just yet.

{15th May, day of the incident}

"Yifan you ready yet?!" Luhan yells groggily from the front door, "we're leaving without you if you don't come out of the bathroom in 30 seconds!"

"Coming, coming!" Kris calls back while trying to wash off his morning face mask, "has Tao woken up yet?"

"He's unconscious but we got him into the car!" the elder shouts back, "so we're just waiting for you now!"

Kris dries off his face with a towel, blinking into the mirror while a sleep-deprived face gazes back at him. Am I really doing the right thing? Is this really worth it? 

"I'm going to count to 10! If you don't come out--"

Believe in yourself, Kris. Stick to your plan. "I'll take a taxi. You guys go first!"

"Don't be ridiculous," Luhan sighs impatiently, "the manager would never leave without you."

"Tell him not to worry, how many times have I driven myself and you guys to the airport in the past two years?"

Luhan falls silent momentarily; then, after some murmured conversation with what Kris presumes is their manager, he calls out: "We're leaving first then! The manager hyung said he'll call you as soon as we get to the airport. See you there!"

"Wait, Luhan!" Kris rushes to pull the door slightly ajar to see Luhan turn back to the half-closed front door after hearing his own name. "G...Goodbye."

"What the hell man?" Luhan laughs at Kris' half-hidden face poking out from behind the bathroom door, "we'll be seeing each other again in like 40 minutes. Stop being a sissy."

A pained smile hides itself behind the bathroom door, as Kris laughs humorlessly, "Yeah, I guess I'm being too dramatic." Stay healthy, my friend. I'll quietly cheer you and the others on even if you come to hate me later.

With that, the front door clicks shut as Luhan yawns while returning to EXO-M's van.

"What on earth is going on?" the manager shouts angrily at Luhan, who was busy waving at a few fans who had followed them into the airport terminal, "why isn't Kris picking up my calls?"

"He's probably on his way," Luhan replies calmly, "I told him you'd call him when we get here, so he probably thought it was unnecessary to pick up the phone."

"This kid better not be pulling another one of his disappearance acts," flustered fingers press the redial key, "we had to reschedule so many things and postpone performances because of him last year."

"He won't," Yixing smiles reassuringly, patting the manager on his shoulder, "he's the leader of EXO-M; he wouldn't disappoint us all like that."

»«

And so they waited.

Five minutes...

Lucky fans receive a few signatures.

Twenty minutes...

The manager buys a coffee for everyone and checks the boarding passes with quivering hands.

Half an hour...

Two Korean boys and three Chinese ones board the plane with confusion and a nagging sense of betrayal swimming in their eyes.

"He cancelled his ticket."

Wet eyelashes glance up at the manager who had announced the news with a monotonous voice. "Are you sure? Maybe there are two people named Wu Yifan on this flight? Maybe he got into a car accident? Maybe..." Tao clutches at the hem of his shirt, tears dripping down his cheeks despite how desperately he wished to believe all this wasn't happening.

"Don't kid yourself," the manager sighs impatiently, "do you think I haven't thought of those possibilities? There is only one Wu Yifan who had booked a ticket for this flight. There have been no registered male emergency patients by the name of Wu Yifan or Kris Wu in any of the major hospitals in Beijing during the past hour." A frustrated hand tugs its way through hair, "he's done it again. He's run away again - one week before the Lost Planet concert."

{16th May, chaos ensues}

Back in South Korea at last, the five members of EXO-M drag their feet heavily through crowds of fans, ears ringing with high pitched screams but minds preoccupied with more important matters. Eventually, they are seated inside SM entertainment's black van; and, after a short moment of silence, simultaneously start talking all at the same time.

"So what happens now?"

"Do the EXO-K members know yet?"

"Did manager hyung tell Suho?"

"Will he...be coming back?"

A midst the chaos, Tao's barely whispered question is the one that had everyone stopping mid-sentence; because his question is the real question - will Kris be coming back? 

The situation stresses everyone far more than they would like to be; immediate reactions were obviously bound to be anger, despair, sadness, and loss. But Tao's soft words reminded everyone of the real issue - will Kris be coming back?

"We can't say for sure yet," Minseok speculates calmly, patting at Tao's tears with a tissue from the van's backseat, "this isn't the first time Kris has pulled the disappearance act apparently; you heard the manager complain."

"I'll take an educated guess and say that the last time he said his visa expired in Canada was also a lie," Luhan agrees with his friend, "remember when we shot the music video for Wolf and the Beauty? He was absent the whole time until promotions started."

"Guys, I think we should give him some time," Yixing looks around at the sadness and frustration wafting off of every one, "it's too early to be pessimistic."

"The situation might not be as bad as we think!" Jongdae's musical laughter brightens up the heavy atmosphere by a miniscule fraction, "for all we know, Kris could just be pulling a prank on us! Maybe he wants to hide until Junmyeon's birthday and then surprise him or something? I don't know - but I do know that Yifan has been a great band mate, friend, and leader. We should believe in him at least for the time being."

"Too optimistic," Luhan and Minseok shake their heads sadly while eyeing Tao's tears with a frown, "but I guess that's all we can do for now - hope and hope and hope..."

"Still no call?" Chanyeol paces around the room while both K and M members stare glumly at the floor of Jongin and Kyungsoo's dorm. "No text? No email? Nothing at all?"

"Nothing," Baekhyun confirms with a soft sigh, "nothing at all. And he's not answering his phone either."

"Well one thing's for sure - he's still in Beijing," Junmyeon frowns.

"No , Sherlock," Luhan glares with frustration at the phone in his hand, "of course he's still in Beijing! If he booked another flight, SM staff would immediately track him down.

"Well sorry for stating the obvious," Junmyeon spits back in an equally anguished tone, "but that's pretty much the only fact we have right now. All the other stuff we've been coming up with are simply theories and predictions."

"...I don't care about you guys - but I'm unfollowing him on those stupid social networking sites," announces Chanyeol to no one in particular.

"Guys..." Baekhyun trails off quietly, unsure of his own voice and opinion for the first time since he was born, "does anyone think...he might have secretly suffered this entire time, hiding the pain from us so that we wouldn't know about how he's treated?"

"Baek, you've been watching way too many dramas," Jongdae cracks a small but sad smile.

Junmyeon, on the other hand, laughs humorlessly while running a hand through his yet-to-be-styled hair. "Real life isn't like a scripted film - Kris is no saint; even though we've treated him like a brother all these years, maybe what he wanted all along was fame and money." He pauses, watching as Baekhyun diverts his eyes to the wall in denial. 

"I'll call him again," Yixing sighs as he calmly steps in to stop the members' collective anger from spiralling out of control, "he needs to know what kind of chaos he's caused."

Three hours later, all the group members with an Instagram or Weibo account have unfollowed Kris on their respective social networking sites after the news of Kris' lawsuit against SM entertainment was leaked to the media. Angry accusations like 'betrayer', 'irresponsible', 'greedy' and 'selfish' are thrown left and right by members and staff and fans and managers alike.

Only Baekhyun and a handful of fans remains completely faithful, stubbornly believing in Kris despite all the evidence suggesting otherwise. Because who else will support him now? Who else will stand by the side of a betrayer, when he has chosen to take the initiative and leave others' sides first?

Baekhyun has (although unwilling to admit it) thought of the more negative possibilities: Maybe Kris doesn't deserve Baekhyun's loyalty after all; maybe he really is quitting from the company because he wants to become a solo artist and chase after his ambitious dreams of becoming an actor. Maybe the SM staff had been right in assigning him the power of flight; maybe Kris is simply someone who cannot be tied down by the concept of responsibility and loyalty.

"The fans are lashing out at each other now," Yixing looks intently at his laptop screen with a frown, "some believe Kris is filing the same lawsuit that Hangeng sunbae-nim did a few years ago. Others believe he's found a better company with a better contract in China, and refuses to continue working for SM..." The usually gentle boy balls his fists in frustration, "I don't know what to believe anymore! Why hasn't Kris contacted us yet?!"

"Give him some time," Baekhyun whispers weakly, earning a disapproving look from Luhan.

"We've given him plenty of time," the usually well-mannered Luhan hisses, "he's doing this for himself, can't you see?!"

"Calm down, hyung," Sehun pats his shoulder timidly, "why are you getting so angry anyway?"

"He was our friend!" the older almost shouts, "I trusted him! I respected him!...But I can't forgive anyone who abandons their sense of loyalty to friends."

"Not everyone regards loyalty as strongly as you do though, Lu-ge," Minseok reasons, "everyone has different values and morals they follow. Maybe friendship is just a little lower on Yifan's list."

"Baekhyun," Chanyeol speaks up in a broken sort of way, croaking his way through the words as he forces his vocal chord to obey, "I want you to unfollow Kris on Instagram."

It's just an SNS account...why does he care? Baekhyun thinks to himself, looking over at Chanyeol with hints of wariness colouring his pupils.

"Do you hear me, Byun Baekhyun?" the taller walks up to him, towering over him with his height, "it was stupid enough that you followed Heechul sunbae-nim in a show of defiance; but now you need to give up on hoping. He's not coming back, and he's not going to tell us what happened either."

Is it that important to him? Baekhyun looks down at his own phone, refreshing his newsfeed for the millionth time that day in hopes of seeing any posts made by Kris.

"Are you deaf?!" the deep voice much alike Kris' tone range booms with anger. "I said unfollow him!"

Silence falls upon the dorm room, as everyone waits with bated breath for Baekhyun's reaction.

"And if I don't?"

Chanyeol does a double take - he had almost forgotten how stubborn his friend could be, when it came to issues he personally felt important. "If you don't," the rapper dares not breathe in fear of what Baekhyun will do next, "then we're not friends anymore."

...He'd really go that far?

The clock attached to the wall ticks away loudly into the uncomfortable silence, as Baekhyun tries to decide what do to. Give up on love? Or give up on friendship? Give up on someone who will disappoint me? Or give up on someone I will disappoint?

And Baekhyun knows he is not mistaking anything here - Chanyeol purposefully posed this question, asking Baekhyun to choose between himself plus EXO, and Kris.

Seeing Chanyeol's ears turn pink with the suffocation of nervousness and his silent pleading for anything but abandonment has Baekhyun making up his mind with a sharp stab of pain straight to his heart: 

"I'll unfollow him."

|Baekhyun|

Life went on; performances were not delayed, and practice sessions continued despite that one gap Kris left behind in the choreography - which Tony Testa has not yet rechoreographed.

Endless rumors began to circulate; some very plausible, and others simply outrageous.

Speculations involving Kris with an illness or problems with his physical health became widely popular very quickly. People were more than willing to embrace an angelic Kris - too kind to tell the members about his inevitable death, and choosing to keep the heartbreak to himself.

Other claims include SM entertainment locking the EXO members up in underground prisons, being fed very little and forced to give up all form of communication with our families. Tao's heartfelt blog post on Weibo and Instagram were disregarded and labelled as SM staffs' manipulation, while my following of Kim Heechul became a sensational topic - leading to forced comparisons between Kris and Hangeng.

At this point, the remaining members of EXO were too stressed and tired to even blame Kris any further. Most have simply chosen to move on, burying the pain of a lost collegue and friend deep inside their hearts.

Me too: I don't blame Kris. I never did, and I never will. Yes, the additional workload adds unexpected weight onto our already heavy shoulders and the news of Kris' lawsuit has definitely affected EXO's career and image - but I never blamed Kris.

Through my own careful analysis, the most sensible explanation for Kris' actions I have been able to formulate is simply condensed into two words: Culture Difference.

Kris Wu was not born Korean like most of EXO's members. He was raised in the free and individualistic country of Canada. He was educated in a way that encouraged him to be more self-centered and conscious of his rights as a human being. That being said, however; Korea's strong sense of community did not fit well with the Chinese-Canadian since the very beginning. I had always noticed his restricted attitude, movements and words in the uptight society; sometimes even picking up on the longing in his voice when he spoke to his mother on the phone occasionally.

Last night, I had finally received a text message from Kris; despite being sworn to secrecy over its contents.

He told me he was sorry; that he needed to leave for various reasons. He said that he really did have an illness which required long term treatment and refrainment from over exertion. He relayed that SM entertainment had not been agreeable in terminating his contract half way in consideration for his physical condition, and thus he chose to end matters his own way. He told me that he is fine - that he will be signing with a new company more focused upon his career path as an actor soon.  He told me that being an actor was what his real dream was all along anyway.

He said he was sorry. He said he hopes the best for me and our group. He said he misses me.

Inside, I had an entire paragraph of profanities and angry words lined up to rant at him. You may be two years older than me, but you know nothing about responsibility. You didn't have to leave. You didn't have to abandon us at the most stressful of times. You didn't have to keep everything to yourself and let others guess and confuse and run around in circles.

But in the end, 'I miss you too' was all I managed to text back, before burying my tear-stained face into the nearest pillow.

Diary Entry 104: 2 years apart.

Today is the 104th week since I started this diary.

Two whole years since Kris Wu left South Korea and EXO.

Two whole years since I last saw the pretentious smirk of the owner of my heart.

Perhaps time goes by too fast, or perhaps it goes by too slowly. Either way, I was never able to tell him 'I loved you'.

And perhaps he would have replied back 'I loved you too. I still do, actually'.

And perhaps he would have surprised me with a visit at the recording studio.

And perhaps he would have...

Perhaps.

Perhaps he would have.