Some nights Tao can't sleep, and instead spends his time on the roof with a mug of tea, reminiscing about what it was like before everything unraveled. It was one of those nights, Tao thought to himself, looking down at the barren alleyway beneath the SM building. The alley was sparse, decorated with a few trees that used to hide sasaengs, but now held nothing. 

 Tao leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes and warming his hands with the large mug of tea. He let the events of six years ago run through his head again, as if those thoughts had never haunted him before. 

 It started with Kris leaving. Chanyeol followed months after. Jongdae fled the group a week after Chanyeol did, and then Kyungsoo as well. Lay faded out of the group a year after the rest, with Sehun almost following him, but Baekhyun left instead.  There were only six left, a mere ghost of what they used to be. 

 Tao had never been particularly close with Jongdae until the week before his departure. Suddenly Jongdae was there, a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, someone to be with. Zitao still wasn't over Kris's departure, and Jongdae was there to console him.  Tao remembered perfectly, Jongdae asking him, pleading the magnae to leave with him, and when he refused, Jongdae had made him promise to tell no one, not a single soul, that he was leaving because he knew aJoonmyun would have forced him to stay. 

Zitao  was snapped out of his thoughts by someone's voice drifting up. It sounded familiar, like an old friend. Jongdae. A note tied to a rock followed after, landing squarely next to Tao, a punctuation mark. Tao picked up the rock and took he note off, unfolding it. 

Meet me in the alley, the note had read in childishly scribbled mandarin and Tao jolted up, dropping his mug, ignoring the sound of shattering ceramic and the warm tea pooling on the ground like blood. Jongdae. He was here. Tao raced down flights of stairs to get to the alley, nearly tripping over his feet in he process. He dashed in the alley to see a smiling figure. 

"I missed you." Jongdae's warm voice welcomed Tao. Jongdae looked the same as when he left, thin, pale and with dark circles under his eyes, but  not a day over twenty. The snowy breeze blew through Jongdae's shaggy black hair, which stood up at an odd angle, messy as usual. Tao smiled back, pulling the shorter into a hug. They stood there for a moment, enjoying each other's presence. 

"I missed you too. Things are still the same." Tao whispered, keeping Jongdae in his tight embrace. Both could feel each other's ribs through their thin jackets, but they were past the point of caring. It was nice to be together again. 

"You should come with me. Exo is falling apart anyways." Jongdae sighed, shivering in his thin grey cardigan. Jongdae had always been one to underdress. 

"I can't. I'm wanted here. I'm sorry, I just-- I can't. They need me." Tao breathed softly, turning his back to Jongdae. He hated this. He wanted to blame Kris, to blame Kim Youngmin, he wanted to have someone to be angry at, someone to demonize. Six years and still nothing was resolved, nobody talked, not at music shows, not through text messages. Tao choked back an unexpected sob and started to walk away, but was stopped by Jongdae's sudden hug.  

"I'm sorry, peach." Jongdae sighed in mandarin and walked away, leaving Tao to go back to the SM building. It was better to not ruin everything for the kid he called panda. 

 Tao quickly mounted the stairs walking up to the roof and  crouched down, taking the rock and putting it in a pile with all the other stones and notes from the alley. Maybe next time, he thought, maybe next time it will be different. 

•••••••••••••••

 Author's Note

 This is my third TaoChen fic, and the most depressing by far. I think I wrote this when the news about Kris started popping up, so this has been lurking in my computer for a week or two. Your comments, ideas, thoughts, questions and suggestions are greatly appreciated. Commenting makes my day and makes me want to write more fics. Thank you.