I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

That don’t bother me

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out…

 

Some knocks were heard, first faintly. Too faint that Yixing didn’t even stir at the sounds any bits, because it was raining outside and the knocking sound was lost to it.

 

And then they became louder and louder. Loud enough that Yixing stirred on the couch, before deliberately cuddled again to sleep. Don’t blame him, it was so cold since it was raining. Sleep was a heavenly thing to do.

 

The last knock, however, was sent like a big bump. Yixing rolled from the couch, eventually fell and hit the floor. “Urgh,” the sleepy man grunted. His eyes flew open and soon widened when he realized that he was on the floor.

 

“How the hell do I end up here?” he asked to himself, trying to get up.

 

Another loud knock was heard and Yixing snapped his head towards the door. “Is that a knock?” he wondered loudly. The sound of the rain wouldn’t be that loud, plus the rain’s drop wouldn’t reach their dorm’s door anyway. So it might really be a knock.

 

Then Yixing remembered why he was sleeping at the couch on the first place. He jolted up. His sleepiness had gone away as one word filled his mind.

 

Duizhang?

 

A knock was heard again, and Yixing rushed towards the door with his mind repeating the word over and over. He reached for the door’s handle and turned it open in a quick movement. His mouth opened,

 

“DU—“

 

The face of his manager came to the view, and Yixing’s word stopped mid air. The manager looked at the sleepy boy sadly as he knew what word Yixing was going to say.

 

“Yixing—“

 

“Where’s Yifan?” Yixing urged, his face for once hardened, “Where’s Duizhang!”

 

The manager placed his hand on the boy’s shoulder. “Listen, I know this is hard for all of you, but you know…”

 

The manager’s eyes widened as his hand was swatted away.

 

“Yixing?”

 

“I will ask you again,” the boy said with a shaking voice, “where’s Yifan.”

 

The manager took a deep breath,

 

“Xing, he has gone.”

 

Gone.

 

What?

 

“I guess I can believe you to deliver that to the rest,” the manager said. “Be strong. See you later, boy.”

 

No!

 

The manager turned around and walked away, without turning back.

 

And Yixing was glad he didn’t turn back, because his knees couldn’t hold any longer.

 

As soon as the manager was far enough, Yixing slammed the door close and leaned against it.

 

He has gone. He. Has. Gone. He has—

 

A lone tear rolled down his cheek as he reached for his chest. Something was hurt. Something in his chest was hurt. It was like a bee inside his chest had stung him, and it was so freaking hurt his tears didn’t want to stop. A sob came after a sob, and without him knowing, he had slumped down and curled there, crying to himself.

 

It was hurt.

 

Being left is hurt.

 

 

…oOoOo…

I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
 

There are days every now and again I pretend I’m OK
 

But that’s not what gets me
 

“STOP!”

 

The six boys froze in their position, and a cameraman near the music player stopped the music from playing. The instructor examined the faces in front of him and shook his head.

 

“You guys are messed up! What are you going to do with that??”

 

Silence.

 

“SEHUN!”

 

The maknae flinched at the roar.

 

“You make so many mistakes! And JONGIN!”

 

The other maknae flinched too.

 

“YOUR FOCUS ISN’T HERE! Just—WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU ALL?!”

 

Holding his breath, Joonmyun raised his hand before the instructor could rant even more, “seonsaengnim, excuse me?”

 

“What?”

 

“We are sorry for today’s lack of spirit—“

 

“OH YOU SURE SHOULD BE SORRY!”

 

“—but we indeed have a problem. Can we end the practice for now, for today? We will cover it tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. We promise. I’ll make sure we do. Just… please?”

 

Joonmyun prepared himself to be scolded, because after all, the request wasn’t common to be asked to an instructor. You’re supposed to follow the practice without complaining ‘till the end.

 

But what he heard was only a frustrated huff.

 

“Fine, practice is dismissed. Make sure to clear your problem soon.”

 

Joonmyun blinked as the instructor exited the room without turning back, followed by the cameramen. He glanced to his teammates and a small smile played on his lips when the boys collapsed to the floor in exhaustion almost simultaneously.

 

“I’m sorry guys,” Chanyeol breathed, “really, I know I messed up the most.”

 

“Are you kidding me?” Baekhyun interfered, “I made mistakes almost every seconds today!”

 

“Oh could you two just shut up please,” Kyungsoo said, eyes closed and opened and closed again in slow motion.

 

Joonmyun smiled wider as he observed the little bicker 92-liners had, before he realized that the two maknaes weren’t saying anything.

 

“Jongin? Sehun?”

 

Joonmyun looked over the two, and his smile quickly turned upside-down at the sight. Jongin was blankly staring to the ceiling, his face wasn’t a happy face at all, while Sehun curled up into a ball in the floor and Joonmyun swore he heard some sobs.

 

EXO-K’s leader scooted closer to the youngest and placed his hand in his shoulder,

 

“Sehun, what’s wrong?”

 

Despite of an answer, the sobs were heard louder and louder. Joonmyun glanced to the boy beside the maknae, and he frowned deeper. Of those days where Jongin liked to tease his dance-mate for crying too much, today wouldn’t be one of them.

 

Because he had tears on his own.

 

Sehun was still curled up though now his body was also shaking from crying hard. Joonmyun retreated his hand, sadness all over his face. “I... I will be waiting in the van,” he said loud enough for the members to hear, “go back quickly guys so that we can go home.”

 

He got up and walked rather quickly towards the door, leaving the five boys behind. After the door was closed and footsteps weren’t heard anymore, Chanyeol couldn’t help but shout in disbelief.

 

“What the hell, he doesn’t even comfort Sehun!”

 

“Shut up Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo hissed, his arms already wrapped around Jongin as he rubbed circles on the boy’s back for comfort. The tall giant furrowed his brows,

 

“What are you, a woman in their PMS period? You tell me to shut up while comforting Jongin like that? Pfft.”

 

Ignoring the glare from a blushing Kyungsoo, Chanyeol scooted to Sehun quietly. The rapper still didn’t say anything as he s his arm around Sehun’s waist, and his other hand reached for the younger’s boy head, his hair gently.

 

“Sehun-ah,” he whispered softly, “are you okay?”

 

“…Kris hyung,” Chanyeol heard Sehun whimpered. Chanyeol heaved a deep sigh.

 

“Sehun, turn around.”

 

The maknae obeyed, he turned around so that he was now facing the older boy. As soon as Chanyeol engulfed the boy in a tight hug, all he had inside him crumbled down; Sehun cried harder. Among those little affections Kris ever shared with him was a hug, a hug when EXO-K was in China for a concert and Sehun felt homesick but no one noticed. “Oh my God, Sehun, don’t cry. Sehun stans are going to think that I treat you badly,” he would jokingly said. A hug where Kris would let the youngest to wet his costume with his tears, and when the upset stylist asked why his costume was wet he would lie that he spilled water on it.

 

Chanyeol the boy’s hair once again, and something stung Sehun’s heart. His heart clutched in pain as he remembered one thing; Kris never his hair like that. It only made him realized that Chanyeol wasn’t Kris. That Kris wasn’t there. That Kris would never be there to comfort him anymore. That he couldn’t even make sekris or krishun ship sail before all of this happened. That…

 

That Kris hyung has gone.

 

Sehun buried his face on Chanyeol’s chest, didn’t even give any damn about how long he had been crying. With pain like this, he couldn’t afford to fake a smile. He couldn’t afford not to whisper faintly through his sobs…

 

Hyung… come back to us.

 

 

…oOoOo…

What hurts the most
 

Was being so close
 

And having so much to say
 

And watching you walk away

 

Tao walked towards a certain bed with two dog plushies on his embrace. He gazed over the neatly arranged bed. Of course it’s neat. Duizhang didn’t even come home yesterday. The image of a tired Yixing sleep-sitting against the door with a strain of tears on his cheeks explained it all. Luhan just had to state the obvious by pointed out that Yifan wasn’t home.

 

EXO-M’s maknae jumped onto the bed, almost trying to get to it. It contained Yifan’s smell and Tao missed it so much. So so so much. Our dogs miss you too, he mentally said as he snuggled to the bed. He blinked once, and twice, but no tears came down his cheeks. Of course. He had cried himself out when Yixing delivered the news. Of course he would ran out of tears.

 

“I’m messing your bed up,” Tao whispered to no one, “and I’m not sorry. Are you going to punish me?”

 

The question left unanswered, but Tao couldn’t cry anymore even though he felt like his heart was being squeezed. His tears had been wasted. Instead, he felt his eyes getting heavy and the urge to sleep came over him. He hugged his plushies tighter as his eyes became gradually closed…

 

“Tao...”

 

The said boy’s eyes flew open, and Tao gasped as a tall figure with bold eyebrows came to the view. Opening his mouth, M’s maknae weakly muttered…

 

“D—du… duizhang?”

 

The figure smiled his cool smile and slowly nodded, making the younger boy hitched his breath.

 

“Why… why are you here?”

 

The figure’s smile turned into a frown.

 

“I don’t mean like that!” Tao quickly said, “I just… Yixing ge waited for you all night long yesterday, you know…”

 

Long exhales and deep breathes.

 

“Lu ge too… couldn’t sleep on his bed… and woke up with panda eyes like me…”

 

Another deep inhale and here he was, just as Tao thought that he had done crying, his tears betrayed him all over again. He tried to stop it but fail miserably as he hoarsely said,

 

“And I…”

 

I need you.

 

“Tao?”

 

Tao looked up only to find that Yifan was standing beside the bed. A sad smile plastered on the older guy’s face. He sat on the edge of the bed, one hand reached towards Tao’s head and patted it lightly.

 

“I’m here to take Eurongie,” Yifan whispered in a low voice, gently tugging on one of the plushies in Tao’s embrace. The younger shook his head as his grip on the plushies became tighter,

 

“No… Duizhang please. Baby will be alone.”

 

I will be alone.

 

But Eurongie was slipping away from his hold, and he could feel the tears coming from his eyes harder than ever. Yifan bent down and pressed a light kiss on his forehead, but it certainly didn’t help Tao at all. The older boy gave him a sad smile as he stood up, it didn’t help Tao either. With Yifan turning around and walking away from him, the thing Tao could feel only that hopeless feeling, and it didn’t help him, not at all…

 

“Forgive ge, Zitao,” the duizhang whispered before exited the room, and Tao broke into tears with a plushie in his embrace.

 

You aren’t helping…

 

No…

 

I don’t need sorry… I need you…

 

I need you…

 

Duizhang…

 

“DUIZHANG!!”

 

…………

 

…………

 

…………

 

“Tao, Tao, wake up. Hey, buddy! What happened? Kid, wake up!”

 

The panda-eyed boy jolted up from the bed to find a pair of deer eyes staring at him.

 

“Lu—Lu ge?” he panted in confusion. The older boy nodded and rubbed circles on the younger’s back.

 

“Was… was I sleeping just now?”

 

Again, Luhan nodded.

 

“Does it mean… it was a dream?”

 

Luhan furrowed his brows, what was a dream?

 

But even before he could ask anything, Tao was sobbing again, so he saved the question as he pulled the younger boy to his embrace. This boy needed a hug. Luhan threw his gaze to the opened door where he had been barging to the room.

 

At time like this, Yifan, I wonder where you are.

 

 

…oOoOo...

 

And never knowing
 

What could have been
 

And not seeing that loving you
 

Is what I was tryin’ to do

 

“Wo xiang yao ba ni guan man wo de h—what?” Chanyeol groaned. He threw the paper on his hand to the ground and pounced onto the bed. He was frustrated, so frustrated. Rapping in China was always hard for him. What could he do now?

 

“Wait I know,” Chanyeol muttered as he got up, eyes searching for something. He then spotted his cellular phone on the table and he whistled happily. Yes! Manager hyung has turned it back. He jumped to reach it with a bright smile,

 

“Now I will just send a message to duizhang and ask him to help me with—“

 

Chanyeol froze.

 

“No. I can’t do that,” he heaved a deep sigh and soullessly walked towards his bed, “I can’t do that.”

 

Chanyeol lied down and closed his eyes. A memory from several days ago rushed to his head. There was a reason on why he was learning about Overdose’s rap part in Chinese version. Because their manager mentioned about going to China to promote the song together, soon, as twelve.

 

Kris hyung wouldn’t be there, Chanyeol thought gloomily. We aren’t going to be twelve and I need to cover his part.

 

Chanyeol rolled to the other side of his bed and sighed. Now what? For Chinese rap, he could only prefer Xiumin or Tao to teach him. Considering the fact that Xiumin is originally Korean, it left him with Tao.

 

But Tao wouldn’t be in a good mood to teach me anything these days, with Kris hyung leaving like this.

 

It wasn’t only Tao who missed the Galaxy hyung. Chanyeol did, too. Even though Kris would occasionally use Chinese he didn’t understand, Chanyeol treasured every moments he had with the older boy. Although he embraced it quietly when he was alone, it didn’t feel better in any way; missing someone was never easy.

 

Chanyeol blinked his eyes. Something in his chest pounded painfully at the thought of his rapper buddy leaving, and a lone tear rolled down his cheek. He rolled to the initial side of his bed, his face buried to the crumpled sheets.

 

Hyung, I’m missing you here…

 

 

…oOoOo…

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go

But I’m doin’ It

It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone

Still Harder

Luhan looked up and read the name of the building in front of him quietly. SM Entertainment. The deer boy closed his eyes and exhaled loudly. He walked towards the entrance.

 

Bear it, Luhan. It will be quick.

 

EXO-M had been back from China and rejoined with K yesterday, but he was there without any members accompanied him as he had an individual schedule for a photo shoot. Luhan had refused at first, saying he was too tired. But of course, refusal wasn’t in their manager’s dictionary.
 

Luhan looked over the receptionist table and remembered the first time he caught a glimpse of Wu Yifan. It was when the latter passed in front of the receptionist’s table. The deer boy smiled at his own when he reminisced the way the receptionist discreetly eyed the still-trainee-Yifan. He was a cool dude back then, he thought, but actually, he’s silly.

 

Luhan entered an unoccupied lift and pressed a button. Again, he remembered the moments when he, Yixing, and Yifan, would leave the class together and hunt for some street foods. The one who shall pay would be decided by rock-paper-scissors and I usually lost, Luhan thought, laughing quietly.

 

A sound was heard and the lift was opened. Luhan stepped out from the lift and looked around. Now where should I go…

 

“Xiao Lu!”

 

Luhan turned around and he raised his brows when a familiar face came to view.

 

“Xing Hua-Lin?”

 

The said guy nodded. “You remember me!” he beamed gratefully. Luhan chuckled and shook hands with the guy. Of course he wouldn’t forget him, as Xing Hua was one of his friend back then when he was still a trainee.

 

“What are you now?” Luhan asked.

 

“A main photographer,” the guy said cheerily. “I’m the one who’ll handle your photo shoot today! I’m so excited. I will introduce you to my parter, Kim Inkyul.”

 

Both walked and chatted along the way, and Luhan felt re-energized by the flashbacks this guy brought to him. That was until he blurted a question,

 

“Anyway where’s Yifan? I thought you would bring him along, or Yixing. But Yixing prefer dozing off rather than attending a photo shoot he wouldn’t be involved in.”

 

Luhan forced a smile as something bad happened to his heart. It was hurt. But why was it hurt? He had known that the M’s leader left the group. He handled it well in front of Yixing and Tao. Now that he was alone, why couldn’t he?

 

“Something happened,” Luhan mumbled quietly, but his heart was pierced because his ears could hear his voice clearly.

 

And at time like this, Yifan, I wonder where you are.

 

 

…oOoOo…

 

Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret

But I know if I could do it over

I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart

That I left unspoken

 

On his room, somewhere under a roof, Wu Yifan was quietly watching a video. A smile curved on his lips as he watched s stood together. Were they always jammed in one place like that? There was still a space behind or beside them. Yifan chuckled, seems like they love squishing each other.

 

The video was slowly reaching the end, and now Yifan felt he understood, quite, about how a fan that lived far away from them would feel like. It was so close yet so far, your fingers couldn’t even get inside the screen.

 

“We are one!” the members shouted, and Yifan pressed the pause button at the very moment.

 

He stared at the screen intently, checking every one of his brothers. Yes, brothers. Is it too much for me to call them my brothers? He smiled sadly at the screen, his hand reached out to touch it. But of course, it was just that. His hand wouldn’t really reach them. His hand wouldn’t really reach Tao, Yixing, Luhan, Joonmyun, Chanyeol, or any of them.

 

“You guys are mad at me right now, aren’t you?” he whispered quietly to the screen.

 

Normally, Yifan would feel okay when there was him on the video. He would feel okay to see the virtual him interacted with the members. He would feel okay just reminiscing and imagining that it was him who laughed and fooled around with them.

 

But there was no Yifan in this video.

 

He heaved a deep sigh, his hand his laptop’s screen once again. He pressed the play button, and the members on the screen had stopped thumbs upping towards the camera.

 

Yifan smiled along with them as they retreated from the stage.

 

“We are one,” he faintly whispered, “…forever.”

 

 

...oOoOo….

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say (much to say)

And watching you walk away

 

Baekhyun slipped into the triple J—Joonmyun Jongin Jongdae—room only to find that Joonmyun was nowhere to be seen and the room was warm. The boy raised his brows. Where is—

 

“Looking for me?”

 

Baekhyun turned to a bed in the corner, almost unseen from the position he was standing right now. The person laid there flashed him a grin and motioned him to get near.

 

“Are you in the Arctic?” Baekhyun commented, eyeing the thick sweater Jongdae was wearing.

 

“Judging from your clothes, no, I’m in Hawaii,” Jongdae replied jokingly, resulting Baekhyun to flush in embarrassment.

 

“There’s nothing wrong with t-shirt and boxer inside the dorm!”

 

“Of course.” The younger boy shifted a bit to give Baekhyun a space. “Lay down beside me?” he asked with his kitty smile on his lips, and Baekhyun obeyed almost immediately.

 

“What brings you here?” Jongdae asked, naturally snaking his arms around Baekhyun’s waist as soon as the older boy settled comfortably.

 

“I want to thank you,” Baekhyun said, pushing away the thought of him blushing because of the touches. “I mean, you know, for giving me an idea to secretly change my passwords.”

 

Jongdae hummed in response. “Manager hyung has returned my phone, how about yours?”

 

“Not yet,” Baekhyun sadly answered, “but at least no one can do anything to my account.”

 

“Then hug me back, I feel like being one-sided here.”

 

Baekhyun glanced over Jongdae and laughed lightly at the other’s pout. He turned to face the younger boy and hugged him back, cuddling him in the process.

 

“Baek.”

 

“Hmn?”

 

Jongdae sighed, “Nothing.”

 

“What is it?” Baekhyun asked, leaning his forehead to Jongdae’s. Then his eyes widened, “Omo Jongdae, you are hot!”

 

“Why, thanks.”

 

“Not hot like that!” Baekhyun got up from the bed, ignoring Jongdae’s groan. “Dae, you are sick. Where does Joonmyun hyung put those medicines at?”

 

“I don’t know,” the other boy answered lazily as he supported himself to sit and lean against the wall. Baekhyun glared at him and huffed,

 

“Fine. Stay here, I will search it.”

 

“No need, Baek, just, don’t go, please? I—wait,” Jongdae paused as he felt something vibrated on his pocket. Baekhyun stood there with arms crossed in front of his chest, waiting Jongdae to complete his words but when the latter’s eyes bulged out at his phone’s screen Baekhyun moved to his side again.

 

When Baekhyun had sat beside him, Jongdae pressed a button and brought the phone to his ears,

 

“Kris hyung.”

 

Baekhyun’s eyes widened. He tugged on Jongdae’s sweater and mouthed, ‘for real?’, in which the younger nodded in response.

 

From the phone, a laugh was heard on the other end. “It’s Yifan ge, Chenchen.”

 

Jongdae swallowed the lump on his throat. “Yeah,” he faintly said, “Yifan… ge.”

 

He imagined Yifan’s smile when a reply came,

 

“Is Baekhyun with you right now?”

 

Jongdae glanced to the person beside him. “Yeah,” he answered, “how do you know?”

 

“Just some lucky guesses.” Another light laugh was heard, and Jongdae smiled a weak smile too at the voice.

 

…………

 

…………

 

…………

 

“Yifan ge,” he called out, “…are you happy?”

 

The question didn’t come off offending, not at all, as Jongdae muttered it in a shaky tone. Baekhyun entwined their fingers, squeezing it lightly. Silence greeted him and he imagined his hyung’s scrunched eyebrows, debating whether the answer is yes or no.

 

“I am,” the voice answered after nearly a minute. It was however quickly followed by a question, “Are you guys okay? I heard issues about Baekhyun getting slapped and Joonmyun getting kicked. That’s—“

 

“Not true,” Jongdae interfered weakly, “…but even then, we aren’t okay, ge.”

 

A sigh was heard from the other end, but both knew it was true. No one was okay. No one will be okay soon, no one. Jongdae’s head was started to spin around, from his overheated body and from his screwed mind, from his aching heart as he thought of Galaxy hyung and the leader leaving.

 

He needed to lie down for a while.

 

Jongdae pushed his phone towards Baekhyun and literally slumped his head to a pillow nearby, giving out a rather loud thump in the process.

 

“Chenchen? You alright?” asked the voice with a worrying tone. Baekhyun glanced to the boy beside him worriedly. After checking that Jongdae didn’t pass out and just had to roll in the bed for the sake of his headache, Baekhyun sighed in relief.

 

“He’s just burning, hyung,” he answered quietly. “Do you happen to know where Joonmyun hyung put our medicine box?”

 

“No,” the voice answered with regret, “but he will be okay, right?”

 

Baekhyun Jongdae’s black hair gently as the younger boy’s face contorted in pain. Something mixed with headache, physical hurt, and numb. But Baekhyun knew there was something else. There was sadness in Jongdae’s face, sadness and pain.

 

I feel that too.

 

“I don’t know, hyung,” he softly spoke to the phone.

 

It was a confused voice that replied him, “but you’ll hold him and make sure he’ll feel better, right?”

 

Baekhyun blinked and a lone tear strolled down from his eyes. As soon as he opened his mouth, it wasn’t about answering the question anymore, it wasn’t about holding Jongdae and making sure the boy feeling better anymore.

 

It was about him, holding Yifan, without even knowing if the latter wanted to be held or not.

 

“Hyung,” he shakily said, “I’m holding you now. We are all holding onto you now, tightly, even when it becomes painful to continue doing so. I, Chenchen, Joonmyun hyung, Tao, Umin hyung, Luhan hyung, Yixing hyung, Chanyeol, Kyungsoo, Jongin, and Sehun…”

 

…………

 

…………

 

…………

 

“…we are holding onto you, now, hyung… are you going to let go?”

 

 

…oOoOo…

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do...
 

Kyungsoo took some steps backwards. He had just eavesdropped Baekhyun and Jongdae, thinking that maybe the two had some news about M’s leader since every members’ phone in M had been returned.

 

But what he got was more than that.

 

“Yifan ge… are you happy?”

 

Is he? He didn’t get to hear the answer, obviously, but he didn’t know what to expect either. Will I be glad to hear a yes? Something stung his chest, and Kyungsoo heaved a deep sigh at that. But really… what if he was better without them? What if he was happier with this? What if, what if…

 

Kyungsoo didn’t know how hard he fisted his hand until a hoarse voice entered his eardrums,

 

“Kyungsoo hyung, I’m hungry…”

 

He turned around to see Sehun walked towards him with a tired face. Jongin was trailing right behind him. The two looked awfully restless, with red eyes and messy hairs.

 

“Okay. I’ll cook you something.”

 

He walked to the kitchen with the dancers followed him quietly. Or maybe not really that quiet, it was just Kyungsoo who was too preoccupied with his own mind. He couldn’t help but had Jongdae’s voice replayed on his mind over again.

 

“But even then, we aren’t okay… ge.”

 

Kyungsoo absentmindedly started cooking ramen for three people as soon as he arrived in the kitchen, while the maknaes had already conquered the dining table and dropped their heads on it.

 

“Hyung, I’m holding onto you now. We are all holding onto you now, tightly, even when it becomes painful to continue doing so…”

 

As the water boiled, Kyungsoo felt his face heated up. Kyungsoo took a step backwards, thinking that it was because he faced the boiled water directly. But even then, his face still heated up.

 

Maybe it wasn’t because of the boiled water.

 

Maybe it wasn’t because of the steam.

 

His hand reached for a spot on his chest that was pounding painfully against his ribs.

 

“We are holding onto you, now, hyung… are you going to let go?”

 

It was when Sehun shouted his name that he realized that he had already slumped onto the floor, and that his face heated up because his tears were urging to speak, painfully, on behalf of his pained heart.

 

Jongin took the utensils from his hand.

 

Sehun knelt down beside him and engulfed him with a hug.

 

And it was when he felt Sehun’s body shaking along with his own, Kyungsoo knew that he had c… cr… cried.

 

 

…oOoOo…

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say (to say)

And watching you walk away

 

PandaTao to KrisWu

Ge, I’m sorry, it wasn’t me unfollowing you.

Someone played with my phone.

Sorry…

 

PandaTao to KrisWu

Ge, I dreamt of you.

I realized Eurongie’s gone.

Baby is now alone, ge…

 

PandaTao to KrisWu

Ge, are you okay?

I’m not okay.

Yixing ge cried.

And just now, Lu ge came out from his room.

His eyes were red puffy.

I feel like crying.

 

PandaTao to KrisWu

Ok, I admit, I don’t just feel like crying.

I cry.

I don’t care how long.

Do you?

 

PandaTao to KrisWu

Ge.

No one is happy enough to accompany me taking bath…

What should I do?

 

PandaTao to KrisWu

Jongdae hyung agreed to wait outside the bathroom.

But he looked sick.

He used to sing ‘Super Mario Bros’, but he didn’t.

He hummed ‘Breath’ instead.

 

PandaTao to KrisWu

Ge, please reply to me.

Or to Xing ge. Or Lu ge.

Just reply to us… please.

 

PandaTao to KrisWu

Ge, can't human just hibernate instead of going away?

I mean...

Nevermind.

 

PandaTao to KrisWu

Ge, if you’re going to go, at least bring my fear with you too.

My biggest fear?

Waking up without you.

 

PandaTao to KrisWu

Ge, if I ask you to stay… are you going to be hurt?

 

PandaTao to KrisWu

Ge…

 

The sad smile he initially had was now replaced with flattened lips. Yifan released a shaky breath, refusing to lose against his already glistened eyes. He opened the next conversation and took a deep breath before began reading.

 

XingXing to KrisWu

People said letting go is hurt.

But I think…

Being let go of is hurt too.

 

XingXing to KrisWu

Do you know that some people ship kray?

Krisyeol?

Sukris?

Chenchen told me that.

 

XingXing to KrisWu

I need to see you and tell you I’m sorry.

But then I remember you aren’t here.

 

XingXing to KrisWu

I think something happened to my super power.

A bee stings my heart.

And I don’t know how to heal it.

 

XingXing to KrisWu

Umin hyung ate smelly tofu today.

He said it reminded him of you.

The broth was too salty.

If you know what I mean.

 

XingXing to KrisWu

I think ChenChen is sick.

We have forgotten to take vitamins lately.

Why don’t you remind us?

Please keep being healthy.

 

XingXing to KrisWu

Aren’t we promised to face things together?

I miss you.

We miss you.

Whether you miss us or not, we do.

 

XingXing to KrisWu

Does a bee sting your heart too?

 

Yifan wiped a streak of tears on his cheek. Since when was he crying? Wu Yifan wasn’t the type to cry. He took a deep breath and let out a shaky one. He scrolled down.

 

The last conversation was between him and Luhan.

 

DeerLu to KrisWu

Are you hurting?

Speak to me, please?

 

DeerLu to KrisWu

I met Xing Hua-Lin, he asked how are you.

Please tell me how to answer him.

I want to know the answer too.

 

DeerLu to KrisWu

Hua-Lin told me about the unfollow things.

I’m sorry. I don’t know about it since just now.

Why don’t you tell me?

 

DeerLu to KrisWu

EXO-K looks messy.

We are, too, if not messier.

Maybe a galaxy’s smile will mend us?

 

DeerLu to KrisWu

People said that we feel hurt because we care.

…are you hurt?

 

DeerLu to KrisWu

Is it wrong for a man to shed tears?

Is it?

If it is…

I guess I’m still a boy, then.

 

DeerLu to KrisWu

I don’t care if you’re Kris or Wu Yifan.

Just speak to me. Share with me.

We are brothers for God’s sake…

 

DeerLu to KrisWu

You are a dragon.

You can fly.

Are we holding you back all this time?

 

DeerLu to KrisWu

I feel silly for asking this but…

Are we one?

 

DeerLu to KrisWu

Or maybe we aren’t one but twelve…

 

Yifan blinked another tear. This is torturous. His chest tightened as he put his phone to the table nearby. He looked over a dog plushie beside him and tried to smile, but cried instead.

 

His heart hurt.

 

He wondered if dragons ever feel heartbroken too.

 

 

…oOoOo…

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do
 

The eleven boys had filled the living room for the first time after… after that something happened. Even with the gloominess that clearly still aired, Joonmyun insisted to have a family meeting tonight.

 

So they did.

 

Xiumin was quietly conquering a single couch while on the spacious couch there were Luhan, Sehun, and Yixing sitting together. The rest were sprawled on the floor with blankets and pillows they had bring themselves. Yes, Joonmyun had suggested that they would watch something together instead of sat in circle and talked, saying that it would be good for them to enjoy the time together again.

 

Joonmyun checked their presence on by one, and stopped when it reached number ten. He looked at his fingers that were all spread up open, and unconsciously frowned at it.

 

“What are we going to watch, hyung?”

 

Joonmyun looked up from his hands and forced a smile. “Eh, you’ll figure out eventually.” He approached the television to set up the CD. As he was doing so, it was silence that fell over the living room and Joonmyun felt his heart being squeezed at the little fact.

 

No banters. No noises. Just silent. When was the last time this living room seemed so lively?

 

Done setting everything, Joonmyun walked to a space beside Xiumin and settled on it.

 

“It’s now 9 PM,” he said loud enough to be heard by everyone, “so I choose a 2 hours long thing to watch.” Joonmyun pressed the play button on the remote, and the screen began to change.

 

Gaaaasp.

 

“Argh,” Xiumin groaned beside Joonmyun, though a smile plastered on his face. “Why do you play this episode? It’s embarrassing for me!” There were some quiet comments around, but Joonmyun only smiled at them and directed his attention to the screen. Some ‘We are One!’ shouts were heard one after another, and soon, no one spoke again. All gazed to the screen with a smile unconsciously curved on their lips.

 

On the screen was played, EXO’s Showtime Episode 11.

 

For an hour, they quietly laughed and nudged each other at embarrassing or weird scenes. Like when Baekhyun shamelessly sang ‘I Got A Boy’ (“But Sehun and Tao sang it too! Chanyeol even sang Girls Generation!”), or when the Jong brothers did the tree as the representative action for Wolf …

 

But everyone noticed one thing, that every time the Galaxy hyung appeared on the screen, everyone fell quiet. Though they didn’t know what others felt from the silence, but they unknowingly shared the same look.

 

Longing…

 

It was weird. How the mere absence of one person could make them felt like a hole was made on their chests. But then, maybe it was the curse for them shouting ‘we are one!’, losing one of them was like losing one part of your body. You could still work, but something was missing greatly…

 

As the episode 11 reached to its end, some were busy wiping the tears that silently accompanying their movie night. Joonmyun glanced around and felt his heart aching at the broken look on the boys. But before he could say anything, the next on the waiting list had been playing…

 

EXO’s Showtime Episode 12.

 

“Damn backsound,” Baekhyun grunted as soon as another tear strolled down his cheek. Jongdae wiped it gently and slipped his hand on Baekhyun’s, not because he wanted to cuddle with him until he sleep but because he knew they needed someone to hold…

 

Their chest simultaneously tightened as Yifan on the screen said, “Season two~” along with Chanyeol’s suggestion to make a season two. Now how could we make Showtime Season 2 without you?

 

And they didn’t even check on their surroundings as the scene was playing. They didn’t need to know when Baekhyun shed tears, or when Tao started sobbing, or when Xiumin took a tissue to wrap his own. At the point where they made a Showtime song, everyone had been drenched in feelings. No emotionless look. No poker-face expression.

 

Only pained gazes and shaking movements in silence.

 

It had reached the scene in which Joonmyun was asked what moment he wanted to turn back to, and Joonmyun’s eyes never left the screen.

 

“I wanted to go into the water together with M leader.”

 

And to the showcase. To the award ceremony. To the practice. To the fan-signing event. To China. To our upcoming events overseas.

 

...to the hell even.

 

“EXO, let’s love!”

 

Love. Was it not enough? To ensure you that we can do something—about everything—together? Why should you go? Why should this happen? Was love not enough?

 

And when the screen displayed two leaders shared a hug, Joonmyun had it enough. Everyone had had their own breakdown points, and for him, it was right now. He remembered the moment he was asked to give his opinion in the issue, he had wanted to break down right then, but all that left his mouth was that statement. That statement he wished he had never said. The statement he later realized, would break whatever bridge they had left with Yifan. And it was because of him.

 

He had broken it all.

 

And now it was his heart, broken, wounded, his fellow members` swollen eyes didn't help him to feel better. So he broke down, right then and right there.

 

Joonmyun didn't aware how many liters of tears he had spilled from his eyes.

 

He didn’t even aware that Xiumin had pulled him into his embrace.

 

He didn’t even aware that he had cried himself into Xiumin’s shoulder.

 

But he did aware of one thing,

 

EXO is made to be twelve.

 

 

…oOoOo...

Not seeing that loving you

That’s what I was trying to do

 

“We are here, Kris.”

 

Yifan stepped out from the car and smiled at the driver. “Thank you hyung, but you don’t have to do this. And I’m Wu Yifan, not Kris.”

 

The driver shook his head and smiled back at him. “I have been terrible to you. To them. This is the least I can do, you guys need to talk it out and say see you later to each other. Not,” he stopped for a while, “you know, not goodbye. Say see you later and no goodbye. You will come around in the future. You will. As Kris. We’ll find a way for that.”

 

Yifan, or Kris, pondered over the words and took it carefully to his mind. “I will try to hold onto that, hyung,” he said. “And thank you for not blaming me. Thank you for… everything.”

 

“Don’t thank me,” the man said, “just promise me to comfort them, and let them to comfort you.”

 

"Comfort a traitor?" Kris jokingly asked, but the man shook his head in all seriousness.

 

“Even if the company doesn’t treat its worker as family, but your members do, Kris. Your members do. They think of you as their family. When they said hurtful words, it was either someone forced them to, or it was their heart that was hurt so much.”

 

Kris nodded and smiled.

 

“I know.”

 

The man hesitated for a while, but then added, “Don’t let cyber accounts or cyber actions hurt you. You never know where it actually comes from.”

 

Kris glanced down to his phone in his pocket. “Yeah,” he looked back to the man and nodded, “I know.”

 

The man nodded back and started the engine. After bidding goodbye, the man drove off the car from there. Kris turned around and smiled at the building in front of him—at EXO’s dorm. He took a deep breath and started walking towards it, with every steps became lighter than before.

 

FIN.