Liah and Chanyeol were childhood friends that met in elementary school and were inseparable since. They did almost everything together. They studied together, played together and even hung out after school. It was easy for them to meet up since they lived in the same apartment complex, allowing them to spend a lot of time together. Liah thought Chanyeol was the person who knew her best.
 
Only when they graduated from middle school did she realize what he really meant to her. She had fallen for him and without realizing, she started thinking of him more than just a friend. But by then, it was too late. Although they were going to the same high school, he had already signed up to be a trainee. That meant his life now belonged to the company he was working for.
 
She didn’t think things could change so quickly. In fact, she didn’t think things could change at all. They were so comfortable with each other that she thought their friendship would stay the same throughout their lives. Suddenly, all the memories that once seemed ordinary, felt special as they spent lesser time with each other. He still attended school as usual but left immediately after the last class.
 
“Hey… Wanna grab a quick bite?” She approached him cautiously after not seeing him for a week.
 
He looked up at her, dark circles around his eyes. “Hey, I would love to but I can’t. I’ve got to head back to the company for training.” He smiled weakly.
 
“If it’s so tiring why are you still doing it?” Training was practically taking over his life now and he could barely stay awake during lessons.
 
He picked up his bag and gave her a light pat on her head. “I have to give it all to achieve my dream…”
 
She barely got to see him now. A strange feeling of emptiness gradually grew as the days passed. She did spend time with her friend, Sooyeon, though. But it wasn’t the same. She couldn’t help think of Chanyeol when she did the things both of them used to do together. Doing it alone… .
 
And what was this dream he was talking about? He never actually told her about it or even bothered to mention it. Something about the way he spoke to her made her heart ache. He was the same person and yet slowly she was unable to recognize him. Was she even important to him?
 
Soon after, they graduated from high school. They still remained friends though they didn’t meet up. They would text occasionally or talk on the phone, giving each other updates on their lives. Liah was happy for her friend that he was able to fulfill his dream. He would tell her about the cool things he did at trainings and she would listen attentively even though she didn’t really understand. They both started talking about different topics; interests that they no longer shared. Slowly, she started to forget what it was like to have him around.
 
One day, when she least expected it, he called and told her that he was going to make his debut. He wanted to meet her before that day came since it would be harder to meet up when people started recognizing him. She was glad that he still thought about her. But something didn’t sit right with her. It finally sunk in that she was going to lose him forever. Although she had gotten use to doing things without him, a part of her still missed him. She wondered if it would have been different if they weren’t just friends. She thought about confessing her feelings a million times before but what good would that be now? It would only threaten their friendship especially now that they don’t communicate often.
 
After anticipating for days, that weekend finally came. Chanyeol came by her place as planned. He brought a few movies and snacks over to her place. When she opened the door, she almost couldn’t recognize the person standing in front of her. He grew much taller and his hair was dyed and styled. Some things were the same though, like his round eyes that were always filled with excitement, his endearing big ears that stuck out and that smile- the smile that showed two rows of brilliant white teeth. He gave her a quick hug before beginning to tell her about his work, just like old times, as if nothing changed. She felt her heart starting to beat for him again.
 
“So what have you been up to?” He smile and it seemed so foreign to her now.
 
She shrugged. “Nothing really. Things haven’t been the same since you left, if that’s what you want to know.” She chuckled awkwardly.
 
“Are you not doing well?” He frowned, tilting his head slightly to look at her.
 
“I’m just glad you didn't forget me…”
 
Being over the moon could not begin to describe how she felt. She wanted to freeze time, to keep this happy moment alive even for a minute more, but she knew reality was not that sweet. She realised the extent of her affections for Chanyeol as his chatter faded into the background. She missed him. So much. She had been in love with him all along.
 
Liah felt overwhelmed with sadness and disappointment. There was no one to blame but herself. She recalled all the times she attempted to confess, the times she tried to tell him that she loved him, but never did. Memories of every opportunity she missed made her heart clench and she shut her eyes tight. She missed the boat, and now it was time to move on.
 
Two years went by and they remained close friends. EXO’s popularity rose rapidly. They communicated even lesser than before though he still texted her on her birthday and on special occasions like Thanksgiving and Christmas. She thought of him occasionally but she could only watch from afar. She closely monitored his performances and appearances on various programs. She thought of herself as his number one fan, except that she knew him in real life. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, her friend was transforming into another person right before her eyes.
 
She knew he wasn’t really how he appeared to be. He wasn’t always cheerful and happy. Sure, he was optimistic but that didn’t mean he had to be smiling and being cheerful all the time. It led to fans thinking he was two faced and fake. She sighed. He was human too. She wanted to defend him and put in a good word for him though it was something impossible. Who would believe that she was Chanyeol’s friend anyway?
 
She read through the comments and something caught her eye, making her feel uneasy. It was a photo of Chanyeol and he had his hand on the back of a female stylist. Curiosity took over and she clicked on the link, only to find more photos of Chanyeol and this female stylist. They seemed close and they almost always had some kind of physical contact in each photo. Anger and disappointment came over her.
 
She didn’t know why but she started ignoring him. She wouldn’t reply his texts and she stopped keeping up with his news. She didn’t want to have anything to do with him. “Not all friendships last forever,” she thought to herself. So, it wouldn’t be a big deal if she and Chanyeol were no longer friends. He was busy with his own life and was barely a part of hers. So, he wouldn’t even notice if they stopped talking. Besides, with his current fame, who was she compared to his other famous friends?
 
“What’s up with you these days?” Sooyeon asked her over lunch. “You’ve been totally out of it lately. Is it because of Chanyeol again?” She pointed her spoon accusingly at her friend.
 
“What?” Liah’s head shot up. “Why does everything have to be related to him?”
 
Sooyeon shrugged and chuckled. “Well, back in middle school, he seemed to affect your mood all the time. And now we’re in university…” She said in a singsong manner to annoy her friend. “I still think you’re in love with him.”
 
“And I still think you’re crazy.” Liah laughed awkwardly. “Chanyeol is like super famous now. I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole female population in Korea is in love with him.”
 
Sooyeon smirked. “But the whole female population isn’t you.” She winked at Liah. “Speaking of Chanyeol, are you going to his comeback showcase? He invited us and it wouldn’t be fun to go alone.”
 
“What comeback showcase?”
 
“Are you serious? You’re asking me that? You’re the one that’s always updated with his schedule.” Sooyeon leaned forward, staring closely at her friend’s face. “Did something happen between the two of you?”
 
“I… I’ve just been busy. Haven’t been checking my text messages lately.” Liah lied. She saw the text message but chose to ignore it.
 
“Aww come on, it’ll be fun!” Sooyeon whined. “We’ve never been to such things together! Normal Korean girls go for concerts often. But we’ve never gone for one. Plus the tickets are free! If you really don’t like it, we just won’t go again.”
 
Liah was reluctant but here was no harm in going just for the feel of things and for the sake of Sooyeon. She didn’t need to meet him at all. She didn't have to be his friend but she could still attend as a fan.
 
The tickets arrived in the mail the week of the showcase. Liah put the envelope aside and didn't think much about it until Sooyeon called. "I can't believe he gave us backstage passes! I'm going to meet EXO! It finally feels like we’re doing something with our lives." Her friend shouted into the phone. It was then she realized there was no running away from meeting Chanyeol. She sighed, regretting the decision she made.
 
Finally, April 15th 2014 came. Liah met Sooyeon after her classes and they headed to the location together. Sooyeon was unable to contain her excitement. She kept squealing and giggling. “Do you know how unbelievably lucky we are to be friends with Chanyeol?” Liah rolled her eyes. She lost count of the number of times Sooyeon asked that question that day.
 
It didn’t take them long to find comfortable standing positions once they were in the venue. Sooyeon was still excited and was taking pictures of everything in sight. Liah, on the other hand, was shocked by the amount of fans EXO had. She knew they were popular but she never knew they were this popular. She heard some fans that were standing next to her discuss their favorite members. Her heart dropped when most of them picked Chanyeol. Was she actually feeling jealous over something as insignificant as that?
 
When the showcase started and she saw Chanyeol on the stage, it seemed like she lost all her senses. From the moment she laid her eyes on his handsome face, everything was a blur. It felt like there was only two of them there – just him and here. She noticed way he smiled, the way his body moved when he dance and how low his voice was when he spoke.
 
The showcase ended leaving Liah is a daze. It was only when Sooyeon tugged her arm, did she snap out of it. “Hurry, we’ve to head to the backstage entrance. Someone will pick us up there.”
 
Sooyeon held onto their backstage passes tightly as EXO’s manager came to get them. Liah felt like her head was going to explode just thinking about seeing Chanyeol again. The manager led them into a noisy dressing room. As soon as they entered, the twelve members stood up and greeted them as if on cue. “Hello, we are one! We are EXO!”
 
Sooyeon bowed, clapping excitedly and Liah just bowed politely. Liah looked up and her eyes came into contact with Chanyeol’s. He smiled and she instantly felt her legs go weak. Her heart thundered against her chest as he walked towards her. He came to stand behind her before quickly introducing them to the other EXO members. Being the outgoing one, Sooyeon went forward to shake each of the members’ hand and chatting with them, not wanting to waste any of the time they were allowed to be backstage.
 
Once he noticed the members were distracted, he grabbed Liah’s arm gently. “We need to talk.” Without giving her time to react, he led her out across the corridor and into a smaller dressing room, closing the door behind him. He turned to face her and he had on a frown replacing the wide smile he had on minutes ago. “What’s wrong?”
 
She blinked a few times, trying to register the situation. “What… What do you mean what’s wrong?”
 
“You know exactly what I’m talking about! You’ve been ignoring me!” He continued to stare at her intently.
 
“Oh please. Why would I do that?” She folded her arms stubbornly across her chest.
 
He sighed in frustration. “I can help you if you tell me why.”
 
She shook her head and turned away from him. “It’s not something you can help me with, Chanyeol…”
 
He wanted to know what was bothering her. He was her friend and he would do anything in his power to help her. He grabbed her by the shoulders and made her face him. “If you aren’t telling me the problem, of course I can’t help you with it! So just tell me what’s the problem, Liah?” He raised his voice a little.
 
She shrugged his arms off her. “I’m in love with you Park Chanyeol! That’s the problem! Do you get it now! It’s not something you can help me with.” She flung her arms in frustration and turned to face the corner. She regretted saying it once the words came out from but it was already too late. She couldn’t take those words back.
 
“What…” He couldn’t believe his ears. He felt his legs go weak and he fell onto the sofa behind him. “Liah…”
 
“You… You don’t have to say anything…” She sighed.
 
This wasn’t how she had imagined it to be. But this was how it ended up and she thought it would be easier for them to go separate ways. Tears were already flowing down her cheeks…
 
“Liah… Why didn’t you say anything before?” His voice was soft, close to a whisper.
 
She spun around to face him. “How could I have said it?”
 
Chanyeol remained silent but his eyes were still on her. He didn’t know what to think. It was too much information to process all at once. Did he not love her? Sure, he did. Only that, he never thought of her or felt for her more than just an important friend. Back then, if they were given time to work on their feelings and relationship, things might possibly have been different. But now…
 
Liah observed his expression as she let herself cry. She could tell what he was thinking and she knew how this was going to end.
 
Without uttering another word, he got up and wrapped his arms gently around her. She responded by hugging him back. He sighed as he her hair. “You know that I love you right?” She nodded into his chest. He sighed again. “But you also know that now, I’m… I’m EXO’s Chanyeol… I can’t…”
 
“I know…” She whispered, trying her best to hold back her sobs.
 
She didn’t expect for things to turn out this way. She thought she would have to keep her feelings for Chanyeol a secret forever. Though he now knew her feelings, and they’ve discussed their relationship, it didn’t change anything; it couldn’t change anything. He didn’t say it but he knew he didn’t feel the same and there was simply too much to lose if he even tried to work things out.
 
Days and weeks went by. Liah was living her life, a life without Chanyeol. They never spoke again after that day - they didn’t have any reason to. She felt that leaving him alone and him leaving her alone would make their lives a whole lot easier to live. Sure, they loved each other before but now, only the memories of their friendship remain. 

♥

Posted 19th May 2014